Laughter is Contagious

[smotherman]

"K-Mart"

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and in doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

 

[smotherman]

"Mother Nature"

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into
the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing
just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"Fred yells, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "don’t swing, Fred; DON'T
SWING!!!!"

 

[smotherman]

"Her Sexual Problem"

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.
"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," she answered.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was outside, looking through the window at us.

 

[smotherman]

"Offer"


A man was walking down the street in Venice, California, when he suddenly sees a beautiful woman walking in his direction wearing a very short skirt. He approaches her and says, "Omigod, you're so beautiful and so hot in that outfit, I just have to have you!!! With this kind of look I've got to have you. No matter what, I've just got to have you now!"
"What!? In the middle of the street!?" the surprised woman asked.
"Yes," the man replied. "You are just too good to resist, but don't say anything until you hear my offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?"
The woman is about to slap his face but she realizes the $500 he offered would come in handy. Unsure whether to slap him or accept his offer, she gets her cell phone out and calls her best friend for advice.
After listening to her describe the offer, the friend said, "It's not a big problem - it will take him a little while to get his willy out and while he's doing that, just pick up the $500 and run like hell."
The woman thinks this is too good to resist and tells the man she accepts his offer.
The next day the same friend sees the woman walking gingerly toward her as if she had lept on a horse and landed on the saddle horn. "My god," she exclaimed, "what happened to you!?"
"That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 on the street in $1 bills," she replied.

 

[ga400us]

Paddy

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone.......

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What on earth you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

----------------------- ------------ ------------------------

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards.

if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on

the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!

 

[ga400us]

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."

 

[limiwa]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."

Giggles...

Thank you!

 

[ga400us]

She had 4 Husbands

(Bad pun alert)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying
again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands
and what they did for a living.


She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short
time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,


explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus
ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's -
a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men
with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."


(Remember, you were forewarned!)

 

[ga400us]

Giggles...

Thank you!

My pleasure!

 

[smotherman]

"Post office job"


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years". The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that!"

 

[smotherman]

"Four Catholic men"

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[ga400us]

A Gentleman

A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't a lady it would lift itself".

 

[ga400us]

Clean and Funny...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

 

[talikat]

^^^^^^ Great stuff!!!


Hahahahaha, Ooops!!

http://www.eonline.com/shows/the_so...tted-content?cmpid=sn-111021-facebook-na-soup

 

[ga400us]

Text from daughter to mom:

"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:

"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:

"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum."

 

[wombat9966]

A woman who has had eight husbands, outlived them all, is finally buried at the ripe old age of seventy six. Three of her friends are having a quiet little chat when one of them pipes up,
"Well at least they are together again."
"Which husband are you talking about dear," asks one?
"Husband, oh deary me no I wasn't talking about them. I was talking about her legs."

 

[smotherman]

"Retirement"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[kayte]

"Retirement"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Great! Thank you

 

[smotherman]

Great! Thank you

You're welcome!


A Cowboy:

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

 

[smotherman]

"Birthday"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[ga400us]

The Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was
absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and
everyone was happy.
*
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
*
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
*
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
*
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
*
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. *If he attempts
it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
*
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
*
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
*
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. *"How did you know we got
the cow from Scotland ?
*
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from
Scotland"

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A man goes to his doctor complaining about having, "silent gas emissions." The doctor asks him to explain.

"Well Doc, it's like this. I get up this morning and eat before going to church with my wife like we always do. I had 2 silent gas emissions then. We get to the church and sit in the front pew, and I had another 3 or 4 silent gas emissions.

Then I drop the wife off and go to my golf game with the buddies. It was real crowded at the first hole, and while I was warming up in the group, I had to have at least another 3 silent gas emissions.

That's when I decided to come see you doc. As a matter of fact, while I was in your waiting room out there, I had another 2 silent gas emissions. To be totally honest, just telling you this story I have had another 3 silent gas emissions.

Can you help me Doc?"

"Why yes, I believe I can help you. But first, we need to check your hearing out."

==================

An older woman has been trying to make herself appear younger by getting a facial treatment, a pedicure and a change of hair style. Now is the moment of truth, as she walks timidly towards her long-time husband and asks THE question: How old do I look right now?

The husband thinks a moment, then says,

"To be honest, when I look at your skin, I am thinking 23 years. When I look at your eyes, 27 years. Your new hair style? 31 years. Your attire?...."

The woman interrupts him by saying, "Flatterer!"

To which the man responds, "Hold on now, I'm not done counting..."

 

[smotherman]

"Viagra"

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa."

$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!

 

[Laurel]

To alleviate server load, we're slowly closing down any threads with over 5,000 posts.

The new thread is here (clickie!).

As annoying as this may be, phasing out all or most of the active super-long/never-ending threads will increase the forum speed substantially. If you see a thread that's active with more than 5,000 posts, please feel free to PM me with the link.

Please note that these threads are not being removed - just closed to new posts.

Thank you for your patience and kind understanding!