27·Feb·2007 · "Midnight Rendezvous" · naamplao

Here is my attempt at an erotic poem. I've had a pretty good reponse to this poem over the years. I don't write many erotics but this was a fun one to create. Comments good and bad are welcome

First, there are some wonderful images here. I especially like the volcano eruption.

Second, the rhymes are a bit forced at times. This is something with which I have a hard time as well, so I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe reading it outloud to make sure it sounds more fluid would help. That's what I do when I can't fix things any other way.

Hope that's helpful...

unapologetic said:

First, there are some wonderful images here. I especially like the volcano eruption.

Second, the rhymes are a bit forced at times. This is something with which I have a hard time as well, so I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe reading it outloud to make sure it sounds more fluid would help. That's what I do when I can't fix things any other way.

Hope that's helpful...

Click to expand...

Well I take this as a positive reaction to my piece.

There are problems with a couple of the rhymes, I agree. You don't point out specific problems but I will admit to these.

Strolling down a sandy beach,
lying on the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
holding you by the hand.

Click to expand...

the last line has bothered me for a while...perhaps this is better

"Strolling down a sandy beach,
lying on the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand."

I think that "the day’s cares just disappear" needs work

You pull me to your bosom;
I suckle at your breast,
the day’s cares just disappear
when I’m thus at rest.

Click to expand...

This sounds better to me

"You pull me to your bosom;
I suckle at your breast,
All my cares disappear
when I’m thus at rest."

This section of the verse "also bothers me a little

Wanting to be held,
but separated by miles,
comfort in loving words,
picturing the other’s smiles.

Click to expand...

perhaps this is better

"Wanting to be held,
but separated by miles,
comforted by sweet words,
picturing loving smiles."

Sound better? I think so......thanks for the feedback

.

naamplao said:

the last line has bothered me for a while...perhaps this is better

"Strolling down a sandy beach,
lying on the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand."

Click to expand...

"resting hand in hand" does sound better.

Wonder if you could use something else besides sandy. We know a beach is sandy, and you do have sand and sandy in one stanza.

WickedEve said:

"resting hand in hand" does sound better.

Wonder if you could use something else besides sandy. We know a beach is sandy, and you do have sand and sandy in one stanza.

Click to expand...

Yes....this does not sound right doesn't it. I think the feeling I want to convey is one of having the whole beach to ourselves.

Strolling on an empty beach,
lying on the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand.

This is better but I would like a better word than "empty"..."secluded" is what I want but it doesn't sound right <sigh>...."empty"??

naamplao said:

Yes....this does not sound right doesn't it. I think the feeling I want to convey is one of having the whole beach to ourselves.

Strolling on an empty beach,
lying on the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand.

This is better but I would like a better word than "empty"..."secluded" is what I want but it doesn't sound right <sigh>...."empty"??

Click to expand...

Lonely?

champagne1982 said:

Lonely?

Click to expand...

I don't really like "lonely" since that is not how I feel but you did give me the clue to find the words I wanted.

I think this sounds better

Strolling on a sheltered beach,
stretched upon the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand.

I changed the "lying on" to "stretched upon" ....this eliminates the two "on"s being so close together and I think it is a bit more descriptive. Thanks for the suggestion that lead me to this

I think I should restate my poem with the corrections that have been made.

Midnight Rendezvous
by Naamplao

Lie down beside me, lover,
upon those silken sheets,
let me listen to your heart,
as it slowly beats.
Though we may be miles apart,
I feel your touch, it’s true,
I close my eyes and you are there
for our midnight rendezvous.

Let me whisper sweet soft words,
for your ears alone,
transporting us to a land
where we are quite unknown.
Strolling on a sheltered beach,
stretched upon the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise,
resting hand in hand.

You’re in my arms, my darling.
I brush your lips with mine
kiss you gently on the neck,
dance fingers cross your spine.
You pull me to your bosom;
I suckle at your breast,
All my cares disappear
when I’m thus at rest..

Calm waters begin to stir
far out into the deep
as passions rise, waves crash
onto the beach where they creep
growing ever larger
pounding at the shore
my hands drift cross your body
finding secrets to explore.

Rising to my knees
I kneel before your mound
our eyes lock upon each other
as I kiss, the pearl that I‘ve found.
Tonguing gently, circling slowly,
tasting nectar...Oh, so sweet!
Your thighs caress beside my head,
I revel in this treat.

Agitating ardour as I
slide up to your breasts,
skin to skin, soul to soul,
with all that this suggests.
Your hands pass over my body
and guide me through your door,
revealing treasures far beyond
what I have sensed before.

I surf along this burning wave
climbing to passion’s top,
plunging to the trough of love,
it never seems to stop.
Other waves loom larger ,
tremors start beneath
low moans fill the air,
sharp gasps with clenched teeth.

A burning sense within me
starts its volcanic rise,
our island fantasy is ravaged
with abandon, as feelings harmonize.
Eruptions burst, the ground heaves,
waves explode upon the shore.
Rockets ascend , exploding on high
leaving us spent ... but wanting more.

The line is stilled with panting,
collapsed, and restful now,
water suddenly calms,
you float to earth somehow.
Wanting to be held,
but separated by miles,
comforted by sweet words,
picturing loving smiles.

So lie beside me lover,
curled in my arms so tight,
your head rests on my shoulder
on another fanciful night.
Soon this line will be broken
another time to renew,
when the phone will announce,
another midnight rendezvous.

Lie down beside me, lover,
upon those silken sheets,
let me listen to your heart,
as it slowly beats.
Though we may be miles apart,
I feel your touch, it’s true,
I close my eyes and you are there
for our midnight rendezvous.
__________________

The primary focus of this stanza is to introduce your poem and the characters in it. You also establish meter and rhyme schemes as an obvious comment. More subtly, there are a few more things you need to set in stone here:

Point Of View; Are you omniscient and are you going to tell this story in the first, second or third person? You may say, "What story? I'm writing a poem here, the prose rules are suspended."
This may be true if you're writing something highly stylized or impressionistic but not, I believe, when you're producing a long narrative poem or an epic. Since these poems are long and convoluted, at times, you should be really attentive to keeping your storytelling voice consistent.

Punctuation; The way you've set commas and periods you've told us to pause at the end of each phrase, possibly even breathing after each end rhyme. The more sophisticated poetry reader doesn't neccessarily want to do that. You should only punctuate, I think, if the rules of grammar require it.
So many regularly spaced commas make me, (and I can only speak for myself as average Jane-reader), feel like I'm reading a list, a lovely iambic and rhyming list but a list nevertheless. The emotion drains from my voice and I find I'm exhausted part way through.
I suppose what I'm recommending is that you should consider using enjambment to have your rhymes become less obtrusive and to invite the reader to simply let it all flow more naturally.

Setting; It's good to establish where you're going in your dream. You do so. It's wonderful, but keep in mind the extended metaphor and exactly how many you should use in your poem. If you jam-pack too many symbols inside a poem where the main focus is erotica, a few may slip by unnoticed, more importantly, a few that don't fit the theme could slip in and ruin the atmosphere. Finally,

Timeline; Verb tense and environmental clues will help the reader feel the progression of the story. Be careful that you don't slip into a definitive tense when the entire poem is elsewise written subjectively. Keep the will happen if steady and try to eliminate what has happened since. It's a difficult thing to pick up but when you read it aloud slowly, the tense shifts become clearer.
__________________

I'm not saying I've found specific violations of my general rules in your poem. You seem to maintain a consistent voice throughout. I wanted to add my thoughts about this subject here, because good storytelling is something I believe some poets are guilty of forgetting.

champagne1982 said:

Point Of View; Are you omniscient and are you going to tell this story in the first, second or third person? You may say, "What story? I'm writing a poem here, the prose rules are suspended."
This may be true if you're writing something highly stylized or impressionistic but not, I believe, when you're producing a long narrative poem or an epic. Since these poems are long and convoluted, at times, you should be really attentive to keeping your storytelling voice consistent.

Click to expand...

I think I am pretty consistant here....I am talking in the first person throughout unless using a metaphor

champagne1982 said:

Punctuation; The way you've set commas and periods you've told us to pause at the end of each phrase, possibly even breathing after each end rhyme. The more sophisticated poetry reader doesn't neccessarily want to do that. You should only punctuate, I think, if the rules of grammar require it. So many regularly spaced commas make me, (and I can only speak for myself as average Jane-reader), feel like I'm reading a list, a lovely iambic and rhyming list but a list nevertheless. The emotion drains from my voice and I find I'm exhausted part way through.
I suppose what I'm recommending is that you should consider using enjambment to have your rhymes become less obtrusive and to invite the reader to simply let it all flow more naturally.

Click to expand...

Hmmmm....I will submit that I should pay some more attention to the punctuation and I will reread and modify it where I see awkward pauses. Yes I see now that I am not consistant with my puncuation....sometimes I use too much .... sometimes not enough...thanks for pointing this out amd I will review it.

champagne1982 said:

Setting; It's good to establish where you're going in your dream. You do so. It's wonderful, but keep in mind the extended metaphor and exactly how many you should use in your poem. If you jam-pack too many symbols inside a poem where the main focus is erotica, a few may slip by unnoticed, more importantly, a few that don't fit the theme could slip in and ruin the atmosphere.

Click to expand...

I think I have done this as you have pointed out, thank you. I purposely held back the information that the relationship in the poem was a long distance, phone sex....that was conscious on my part...if it doesn't work for you <shrug> it works for me.

champagne1982 said:

Timeline; Verb tense and environmental clues will help the reader feel the progression of the story. Be careful that you don't slip into a definitive tense when the entire poem is elsewise written subjectively. Keep the will happen if steady and try to eliminate what has happened since. It's a difficult thing to pick up but when you read it aloud slowly, the tense shifts become clearer.

Click to expand...

Again I have been pretty consistant in my verb tense which is mostly present tense and future when there is a promise of future encounters in the last verse. I think there is one or two references to the immediate past....but if there is a section of this poem that bothers you....point it out and I'll review it.

champagne1982 said:

I'm not saying I've found specific violations of my general rules in your poem. You seem to maintain a consistent voice throughout. I wanted to add my thoughts about this subject here, because good storytelling is something I believe some poets are guilty of forgetting.

Click to expand...

I see...so overall you approve of the write...you are just stating your preferences overall for a poem of this type and length....fine.

You have brought up the issue of punctuation and I do agree that some work is required here....I will review this issue and make appropriate adjustments.

Thank you for your comments

Ok....This is the final revision of Midnight Rendezvous. I have never produced a poem with the criticism of others. This is a great group as I have found the input to be very positive and helpful. I have changed the punctuation...for the better I hope


Midnight Rendezvous
by Naamplao

Lie down beside me, lover
upon those silken sheets,
let me listen to your heart
as it slowly beats.
Though we may be miles apart
I feel your touch, it’s true,
I close my eyes and you are there
for our midnight rendezvous.

Let me whisper sweet soft words
for your ears alone,
transporting us to another land
where we are quite unknown.
Strolling on a sheltered beach
stretched upon the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise
rested hand in hand.

You’re in my arms, my darling
I brush your lips with mine.
Kiss you gently on the neck
dance fingers cross your spine.
You pull me to your bosom
I suckle at your breast,
All my cares disappear
when I’m thus at rest.

Calm waters begin to stir
far out into the deep.
As passions rise, waves crash
to the beach where they creep.
Growing ever larger
pounding at the shore,
my hands drift across your body
finding secrets to explore.

Rising to my knees
I kneel before your mound.
As our eyes lock upon each other
I kiss, the pearl that I‘ve found.
Tonguing gently, circling slowly,
tasting nectar...Oh, so sweet!
Your thighs caress beside my head
I revel in this treat.

Agitating ardour as I
slide up to your breasts,
skin to skin, soul to soul
with all that this suggests.
Your hands pass over my body
and guide me to your door,
revealing treasures far beyond
what I have sensed before.

I surf along this burning wave
climbing to passion’s top,
plunging to the trough of love
it never seems to stop.
Other waves loom larger
tremors start beneath,
low moans fill the air
sharp gasps with clenched teeth.

A burning sense within me
starts its volcanic rise,
our island dream is ravaged
as feelings harmonize.
Eruptions burst, the ground heaves
waves explode upon the shore.
Rockets ascend , exploding on high
leaving us spent ... but wanting more.

The line is stilled with panting
collapsed and restful now,
water suddenly calms
you float to earth somehow.
Wanting to be held
but separated by miles,
comforted by sweet words
picturing loving smiles.

So lie beside me lover
curled in my arms so tight,
your head rests on my shoulder
through another fanciful night.
Soon this line is broken
another time to renew,
when the phone will announce
another midnight rendezvous.


ok...ok....I changed a little more than just the punctuation..... tinker....tinker...tinker

I still have a problem with this section though...suggestions appreciated

Soon this line is broken
another time to renew,
when the phone will announce
another midnight rendezvous.

Thank you

naamplao said:

I still have a problem with this section though...suggestions appreciated

Soon this line is broken
another time to renew,
when the phone will announce
another midnight rendezvous.

Thank you

Click to expand...

How about "In time we will renew"?

Just my thoughts. The poem is beautiful and sensual. I loved it.

das_risiko said:

How about "In time we will renew"?

Just my thoughts. The poem is beautiful and sensual. I loved it.

Click to expand...

I really like that line...thank you das-risko. But now the next line needs work.

Soon this line is broken
in time we will renew,
when the phone will announce
another midnight rendezvous.

I want to keep the last line for the rhyme...and I want to keep the reference to the telephone, but the latter is not cast in concrete.

Thanks for your comments

naamplao said:

I really like that line...thank you das-risko. But now the next line needs work.

Soon this line is broken
in time we will renew,
when the phone will announce
another midnight rendezvous.

I want to keep the last line for the rhyme...and I want to keep the reference to the telephone, but the latter is not cast in concrete.

Thanks for your comments

Click to expand...

You could fix the meter by using the entire word, telephone, in the line in question...

when the telephone announces

The read is far smoother, imho, now naamplao. I enjoyed the poem. Thank you for sharing.

I apologize for the impression my earlier post left on you. I wasn't neccessarily critiquing your entire poem (honestly, I didn't read it all the way through.) so my points were meant to be a lecture on those topics I hold as pet peeves. Your long narrative poem was an opportunity for me to soapbox.

champagne1982 said:

You could fix the meter by using the entire word, telephone, in the line in question...

when the telephone announces

Click to expand...

Yes....telephone does sound a lot better....now I am down to disliking "announce"

After thinking about it I came up with "rings in"...which I think works very well.

Soon this line is broken
in time we will renew,
when the telephone rings in
another midnight rendezvous.

champagne1982 said:

I enjoyed the poem. Thank you for sharing.

I apologize for the impression my earlier post left on you. I wasn't neccessarily critiquing your entire poem (honestly, I didn't read it all the way through.) so my points were meant to be a lecture on those topics I hold as pet peeves. Your long narrative poem was an opportunity for me to soapbox.

Click to expand...

Hahaha....well your lecture caused me to re-evaluate my punctuation in this poem and that was worthwhile.

I would like to thank all of those that helped me by means of their constructive criticism....champagne1982, WickedEve, das_risiko and unapologetic. In addition I'd like to thank all for reading this piece. Afterall that is the major reason we write, isn't it?

Here is the FINAL VERSION

Midnight Rendezvous
by Naamplao

Lie down beside me, lover
upon those silken sheets,
let me listen to your heart
as it slowly beats.
Though we may be miles apart
I feel your touch, it’s true,
I close my eyes and you are there
for our midnight rendezvous.

Let me whisper sweet soft words
for your ears alone,
transporting us to another land
where we are quite unknown.
Strolling on a sheltered beach
stretched upon the sand,
staring at the sun’s rise
rested hand in hand.

You’re in my arms, my darling
I brush your lips with mine.
Kiss you gently on the neck
dance fingers cross your spine.
You pull me to your bosom
I suckle at your breast,
All my cares disappear
when I’m thus at rest.

Calm waters begin to stir
far out into the deep.
As passions rise, waves crash
to the beach where they creep.
Growing ever larger
pounding at the shore,
my hands drift across your body
finding secrets to explore.

Rising to my knees
I kneel before your mound.
As our eyes lock upon each other
I kiss, the pearl that I‘ve found.
Tonguing gently, circling slowly,
tasting nectar...Oh, so sweet!
Your thighs caress beside my head
I revel in this treat.

Agitating ardour as I
slide up to your breasts,
skin to skin, soul to soul
with all that this suggests.
Your hands pass over my body
and guide me to your door,
revealing treasures far beyond
what I have sensed before.

I surf along this burning wave
climbing to passion’s top,
plunging to the trough of love
it never seems to stop.
Other waves loom larger
tremors start beneath,
low moans fill the air
sharp gasps with clenched teeth.

A burning sense within me
starts its volcanic rise,
our island dream is ravaged
as feelings harmonize.
Eruptions burst, the ground heaves
waves explode upon the shore.
Rockets ascend , exploding on high
leaving us spent ... but wanting more.

The line is stilled with panting
collapsed and restful now,
water suddenly calms
you float to earth somehow.
Wanting to be held
but separated by miles,
comforted by sweet words
picturing loving smiles.

So lie beside me lover
curled in my arms so tight,
your head rests on my shoulder
through another fanciful night.
Soon this line is broken
in time we will renew,
when the telephone rings in
another midnight rendezvous.