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29·Nov·2006 · "There and back.." · naamplao

WickedEve

WickedEve

save an apple, eat eve
Joined
Oct 20, 2001
Posts
11,470
There and back..
by naamplao


Walking in the twilight,
Down a country path.
Walking by myself,
Far from urban wrath.
Walking very slowly,
Dirt scuffed beneath my feet.
Walking heel to toe,
Sensing no retreat.

Listening to the sounds,
Of nature wild and free.
Listening to the birds,
Duck, loon and chickadee,
Listening to the rustle,
Of soft wind blown leaf.
Listening for the answers,
To end my heart felt grief.

Sitting by a river,
Watching life drift by.
Sitting to the west,
Clouds blazing in the sky.
Sitting with eyes cast up,
The stars a cloak above .
Sitting there in the silence,
For an answer to my love.

Wondering if she is there,
Or is she just a dream?
Wondering if a fantasy
Is all I will redeem.
Wondering why love runs
Leaving shadows merely cast
Wondering if I’m not blind
To happenings of the past.

Returning to the present,
Along that worn trail,
Returning ever slowly
Donning cloak and mail,
Returning to my life,
The problems that I weave,
Returning to that mask
Of sunny make-believe.​



Notes by the author:

Well I completed the first task of offering two comments on existing poetry so now it is time for me to bare my emotions with a contribution of my own for cirtical comment.

I wrote this a while ago, in a difficult time of my life....but I am much better now
 
Last edited:
What are you after, naamplao?

naamplao, what is your artistic goal, your artistic ambition?

According to some conventions, that of pop-songs or of hallmark poetry, your text is fine. If you'd like to apply poetic standards, than your text is quite poor. You need to state where you stand to make the conversation reasonably focused.

Regards,

Senna Jawa
 
As far as my "artistic" objectives go, I don't really have any. I am not a professional poet by any means, other than posting my work on the 'net I am not published and frankly don't have that intent.

My background is varied in science and sales but 10 years ago, by accident, I discovered that penning my thoughts to paper helped me resolve circular agruments in my troubled head. In the process of sharing my poems I have found many people who react in a positive way to my writing.

Those that criticize my writing, do so for the sing-song nature of a lot of my writing and lack of sophistication of its structure. On the other hand, people who are positive to it say that they like the vision my words paint and the vioce they hear as they read it.

I have the feeling that you are in the first camp :)
 
naamplao said:
As far as my "artistic" objectives go, I don't really have any. I am not a professional poet by any means, other than posting my work on the 'net I am not published and frankly don't have that intent.

My background is varied in science and sales but 10 years ago, by accident, I discovered that penning my thoughts to paper helped me resolve circular agruments in my troubled head. In the process of sharing my poems I have found many people who react in a positive way to my writing.

Those that criticize my writing, do so for the sing-song nature of a lot of my writing and lack of sophistication of its structure. On the other hand, people who are positive to it say that they like the vision my words paint and the vioce they hear as they read it.

I have the feeling that you are in the first camp :)
Click to expand...


This is the most sane and reasonable response I have read. Maybe ever :) Bravo. See how it can be done? Wonderful.

by accident, I discovered that penning my thoughts to paper helped me resolve circular agruments in my troubled head.
Click to expand...

thank you for reminding me why I write. with this, there is no reason for what or how. it is a good thing.
 
Senna Jawa said:
naamplao, what is your artistic goal, your artistic ambition?

According to some conventions, that of pop-songs or of hallmark poetry, your text is fine. If you'd like to apply poetic standards, than your text is quite poor. You need to state where you stand to make the conversation reasonably focused.

Regards,

Senna Jawa
Click to expand...


Well stated critique, Senna. I like how you divided up the standards without passing judgement on either.

God this thread is so civil. I am going to join in with a real comment and stop commenting on the comments. :heart:
 
annaswirls said:
um this links to something with hand-fucking in a train :devil:
Click to expand...
Oh, that sneaky and WICKED WICKED Eve! She has trapped the innocent Anna!
 
annaswirls said:
um this links to something with hand-fucking in a train :devil:
Click to expand...
Um, no it doesn't. I have no idea what you're talking about... :eek:
 
well I will vouch for her. The link has now been removed. I did not notice it at first as I thought it was an underline
 
There and back..
by naamplao


Walking in the twilight,
Down a country path.
Walking by myself,
Far from urban wrath.
Walking very slowly,
Dirt scuffed beneath my feet.
Walking heel to toe,
Sensing no retreat.
​

Hi. It looks like we are both new here.

You mentioned in one response that you seemed wary of those who don't like meter and rhyme. In my case, l prefer them, as you appear to do.

I don't see anything formally wrong with the first stanza, but the sound of line 6 is hard for me to say. I keep wanting to emphasize "dirt", but it seems the form wants "scuffed" emphasized. Also, although "slowly" and "toe" are not meant to rhyme they sound like they should rhyme.

So the form is not the problem although it seems off in places. I would make sure the form is used exactly. Why? It will give you a reason to make revisions to get better clarity.

The content however is confusing. At no point do I understand why you are taking the walk, or why you seem melancholy. In the first stanza there is the "no retreat" at the end which makes me think that you are in trouble, but then later there is talk of "love". It is not that I'm insensitive. As a reader, I really want to know. So you might as well make some reason up, but likely you can come up with a very realistic reason.

It reminds me of that song about "Sitting on the dock of the bay". Without the music, the lyrics to that song don't make much sense. But in the song at least you know he "left his home" and can understand he's confused in his new surroundings.
 
FifthFlower said:
There and back..
by naamplao


Walking in the twilight,
Down a country path.
Walking by myself,
Far from urban wrath.
Walking very slowly,
Dirt scuffed beneath my feet.
Walking heel to toe,
Sensing no retreat.
​

Hi. It looks like we are both new here.

You mentioned in one response that you seemed wary of those who don't like meter and rhyme. In my case, l prefer them, as you appear to do.
Click to expand...

No I don't think I said that exactly. I am not wary of people who like that, rather I find that my writing seems to polarize people into camps that criticize me for writing like this and those that like this style. I write both ways but must confess that rhyme comes to my mind more often than not.

FifthFlower said:
I don't see anything formally wrong with the first stanza, but the sound of line 6 is hard for me to say. I keep wanting to emphasize "dirt", but it seems the form wants "scuffed" emphasized. Also, although "slowly" and "toe" are not meant to rhyme they sound like they should rhyme.
Click to expand...

Well you are right....I want "scuffed" to be the emphasized word. I don't agree that "slowly" and "toe" should rhyme though. I am pretty consistant with every second line of a stanza rhyming.

FifthFlower said:
So the form is not the problem although it seems off in places. I would make sure the form is used exactly. Why? It will give you a reason to make revisions to get better clarity.

The content however is confusing. At no point do I understand why you are taking the walk, or why you seem melancholy. In the first stanza there is the "no retreat" at the end which makes me think that you are in trouble, but then later there is talk of "love". It is not that I'm insensitive. As a reader, I really want to know. So you might as well make some reason up, but likely you can come up with a very realistic reason.
Click to expand...

I was experimenting with the form of this poem with each stanza keying on a different present participle.

The content being "confusing" makes me smile. Since when is a poem supposed to be clear-cut? :)

The title is a bit off though, I do admit. It appealed to me at the time but then I realized that it really should refer to coming back from something like a drug addiction and this poem is certainly not about drugs.

I have many people comment that they see different things when they read this poem and I am happy with that.

There are many clues in the poem that help set the mood...I suppose whether they work for everyone is moot.

I am not sure that I should describe everything in detail. In general it is a pensive, poem with a touch of resignation, melancholy and sense of loss. The country setting for me is a place where I can unwind/relax and be myself, I have written several poems using nature in this manner. The last stanza describes my return to the real world where no one understands, no one cares, because I don't let them in...hence the "there and back" theme.

FifthFlower said:
It reminds me of that song about "Sitting on the dock of the bay". Without the music, the lyrics to that song don't make much sense. But in the song at least you know he "left his home" and can understand he's confused in his new surroundings.
Click to expand...

Yes it does, doesn't it? It was unintentional though but I can see the comparison.

Thank you for the read and feedback. It is most welcome.
 
Hey there -

hurm-

to my ear, there's a lot in this piece that sounds forced. I understand that there are some things you are trying to do here, based on your commentary, but the thing is that I don't get it in reading the work.

walking/listening/sitting/wondering/returning are ... to me... not very exciting choices. I kind of wanted the order to be Walking/sitting/listening/wondering/returning...or more drama... escaping/securing/searching/seeking/resolving/returning ... you unnecessarily broke down the subtext for us - it's pretty strongly painted in your work I think, I just don't feel very effectively...

Something about repetion... when you repeat a word there is a linear progession of stress... that can either build or diminish the word...
"Hail, hail, all hail" "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" - reading that either aloud or mentally you pick one and build from it... usually the first is the strongest and the followers diminsh like a fading echo.... unless you are very clever and have some way to envitalise the chorus.

check it out - "hail, hail, all hail" in this instance the witches are in fact mocking Macbeth; "all hail" is the throw away at the end; "you're not so great macbeth, even though you will be king"... "tommorrow and tommorrow and tommorrow"- Macbeth is looking into the future and seeing nothing but decline, he has this beautiful monologue saying just that - "all of this is for nothing" and so the last tommorrow fades into meaningless oblivion. That's how freaking clever Shakespeare is. his characters are supported by every word they speak.

what I'm saying is that I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by repeating... I simply stop caring by the third action regardless of what you are doing... I don't think that's the intent.

relish your words and choose them wisely.

If there's stuff going on under the surface of this poem, then the surface is too opaque for me to see what's really happening....

"Pensive" is a hard one to express in all fairness - but look to Poe (or Baudelaire, mon amour) - it can be done very effectively.

I always love the idea of creating a form for poem, as you have done here - but I wonder if there's a way your form can better serve the work?

fiddle-de-die-do dee.
 
lobomao said:
to my ear, there's a lot in this piece that sounds forced. I understand that there are some things you are trying to do here, based on your commentary, but the thing is that I don't get it in reading the work.

walking/listening/sitting/wondering/returning are ... to me... not very exciting choices. I kind of wanted the order to be Walking/sitting/listening/wondering/returning...or more drama... escaping/securing/searching/seeking/resolving/returning ... you unnecessarily broke down the subtext for us - it's pretty strongly painted in your work I think, I just don't feel very effectively...
Click to expand...


Yes I like your order better. It does make more sense this way.



lobomao said:
Something about repetion... when you repeat a word there is a linear progession of stress... that can either build or diminish the word...
"Hail, hail, all hail" "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" - reading that either aloud or mentally you pick one and build from it... usually the first is the strongest and the followers diminsh like a fading echo.... unless you are very clever and have some way to envitalise the chorus.

......

what I'm saying is that I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by repeating... I simply stop caring by the third action regardless of what you are doing... I don't think that's the intent.

relish your words and choose them wisely.
Click to expand...

I don't think I am going for "gripping excitement" it isn't the mood I am trying to create. Perhaps as you say I am lulling readers to sleep with it as written, however I have had some positive comment to this poem in the past so a few have stayed awake :)

lobomao said:
I always love the idea of creating a form for poem, as you have done here - but I wonder if there's a way your form can better serve the work?
Click to expand...

Thank you for the constructive criticism. You have give me something to think about regarding the poem's structure and for that I am greatfull.
 
WickedEve said:
There and back..
by naamplao


Walking in the twilight,
Down a country path.
Walking by myself,
Far from urban wrath.
Walking very slowly,
Dirt scuffed beneath my feet.
Walking heel to toe,
Sensing no retreat.

Listening to the sounds,
Of nature wild and free.
Listening to the birds,
Duck, loon and chickadee,
Listening to the rustle,
Of soft wind blown leaf.
Listening for the answers,
To end my heart felt grief.

Sitting by a river,
Watching life drift by.
Sitting to the west,
Clouds blazing in the sky.
Sitting with eyes cast up,
The stars a cloak above .
Sitting there in the silence,
For an answer to my love.

Wondering if she is there,
Or is she just a dream?
Wondering if a fantasy
Is all I will redeem.
Wondering why love runs
Leaving shadows merely cast
Wondering if I’m not blind
To happenings of the past.

Returning to the present,
Along that worn trail,
Returning ever slowly
Donning cloak and mail,
Returning to my life,
The problems that I weave,
Returning to that mask
Of sunny make-believe.​
Click to expand...

Wow. Powerful. A true hymn to unrequited love, cliche as that may seem. I love the lines:

Returning to that mask
Of sunny make-believe.

It's life, isn't it? A parody of a mask that haunts our every interaction and that chafes at the slightest movement toward a soul.
 
Thank you for the kind words. I am glad you enjoyed the piece.
 
WickedEve said:
There and back..
by naamplao



Returning to the present,
Along that worn trail,
Returning ever slowly
Donning cloak and mail,
Returning to my life,
The problems that I weave,
Returning to that mask
Of sunny make-believe.​
Click to expand...

Wow...so the last stanza was to me the most powerful. This is beautiful. I don't know if I understand quite how this applied to the difficult time in your life but I can say that I think we all go through struggles where we feel like we have to put on a mask and hide our true emotions...the last stanza...was just wow! - FFOTS4Life
 
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