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Laughter is Contagious

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techsan

techsan

...just chugging along
Joined
Feb 10, 2005
Posts
6,165
Do you like to laugh at real life ... or at least smile frequently? Since my sex life is not nearly as satisfying as I'd like (even throwing in the benefits of Literotica and a few other sites), I find laughter to be a great way to help get through the days.

I'd like to know what makes you laugh (or at least smile) when you haven't got sex on your mind. There are all kinds of things out there, from jokes to funny pictures to whatever tickles your fancy.

I'm gonna start off with one that had me ROFLMFAO. I'll bet some of your ladies especially have had hubbies/bf/so's who have done some things just as good as these...tell us about them, huh? If something here makes you laugh, let me know about it. If you've got something that made you laugh, share it with the rest of us.


Here's a list of fourteen things a man can do at the supermarket while his wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time:

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
 
techsan said:
And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"[/B][/COLOR]
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LOLOL .. I almost choke on my drink.
 
krazeekat said:
LOLOL .. I almost choke on my drink.
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I take that as you thought it was funny? ... or did it bring up old memories of something a b/f did to you?
 
A little "fun and games" ...

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
 
I'm gonna pop in here and ring your door bell. That and you thread made me laugh!

Watching the looks on kiddies faces as they try to correct their grammar is pretty funny.

My 100 lb. dog chasing her tail is funny. So is watching her play with a squeek toy.

Right now my mom trying to figure out how to put up 8 guests at her house is pretty funny.

I know, I need more to laugh at!
 
This actually happened at University last semester. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A female student raised her hand and asked, I understand you're saying there is a lot of glucose in semen. But isn't glucose a kind of sugar?"



"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add additional statistical information.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.


However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.


Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

10.gif
 
virgin_not said:
This actually happened at University last semester. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A female student raised her hand and asked, I understand you're saying there is a lot of glucose in semen. But isn't glucose a kind of sugar?"



"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add additional statistical information.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.


However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.


Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

10.gif
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sounds like something I would have done.LOL
 
limiwa said:
I'm gonna pop in here and ring your door bell. That and you thread made me laugh!

Watching the looks on kiddies faces as they try to correct their grammar is pretty funny.

My 100 lb. dog chasing her tail is funny. So is watching her play with a squeek toy.

Right now my mom trying to figure out how to put up 8 guests at her house is pretty funny.

I know, I need more to laugh at!
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Limiwa, those are some goodies. I especially like the "8 guests in a house" situation...in most houses, that gets pretty awkward at times...like trying to "schedule" potty breaks...LMAO

Thanks, sweetie...hope you'll cum back
 
virgin_not said:
This actually happened at University last semester. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A female student raised her hand and asked, I understand you're saying there is a lot of glucose in semen. But isn't glucose a kind of sugar?"



"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add additional statistical information.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.


However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.


Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

10.gif
Click to expand...


alisonwunderlnd said:
sounds like something I would have done.LOL
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virgin, that is hilarious ... but its a damned shame she didn't cum back to class ... I'll bet it was new information to a lot of students but they just took it in stride.

Alison, would you like mine to test on?

Thanks for the laughs, dear ones. Hope you'll cum back often.
 
Some of you seem to have the mistaken idea that Bill Clinton was not a good president. I'm here to tell you that just isn't so. One of his most noble pieces of action (NO, I did NOT say pieces of pussy!) was described in this rather obscure press release:

CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act,
signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being
hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.

"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions
of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up
through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based
raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward
mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who
lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile
wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new
law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a
light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her
lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great
nation."
 
techsan said:
virgin, that is hilarious ... but its a damned shame she didn't cum back to class ... I'll bet it was new information to a lot of students but they just took it in stride.

Alison, would you like mine to test on?

Thanks for the laughs, dear ones. Hope you'll cum back often.
Click to expand...

In deed..I really laughed so hard after reading that..
1.gif
Glad you like it;)
 
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs.

One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

12.gif
 
virgin_not said:
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs.

One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

12.gif
Click to expand...
ROFLMFAO...Now THAT would put a lot of "enhancement" suppliers out of business, wouldn't it. And here I thought that "self-activation" on a frequent basis was the only way to male enhamcement...LMAO
 
Good afternoon {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}} This is a great thread. Thanks for the invite.

I can see I'd better mine my email for contributions!! :)
 
This has to be one of the best "singles" ads ever printed. It
is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down

This has to be one of the best "singles" ads ever printed. It
is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down

















showletter1.jpg






Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever
 
What a GREAT ad ! (And how could someone NOT fall in love with that "single black female" She's gorgeous!)

I think it was Anne Rice who said (as one of her characters in one of her many books) The second best thing to making a woman come is making her laugh.

Laughter is definitely a favorite of mine.

A friend sent me this, I hope I did it okay. (First time posting a picture)

alldaddywanted.jpg
 
kayte said:
This has to be one of the best "singles" ads ever printed. It
is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down

This has to be one of the best "singles" ads ever printed. It
is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down

















showletter1.jpg






Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever
Click to expand...
ROFLMFAO...Fantastic contribution, kayte! Boy, was I thinking something else! Hope you cum back soon... :rose: :rose: :rose:
 
Lyrical Fool said:
What a GREAT ad ! (And how could someone NOT fall in love with that "single black female" She's gorgeous!)

I think it was Anne Rice who said (as one of her characters in one of her many books) The second best thing to making a woman come is making her laugh.

Laughter is definitely a favorite of mine.

A friend sent me this, I hope I did it okay. (First time posting a picture)

alldaddywanted.jpg
Click to expand...
LF, you did a great job ... and that's an excellent pic...it's a reflexion on what a man is thinking with when he's with a sexy woman...LMAO ... and, yeah, I'm certainly no exception! Honesty IS the best policy, right?

Question: does this mean that "daddy" couldn't figure out which end was up?
 
techsan said:
Limiwa, those are some goodies. I especially like the "8 guests in a house" situation...in most houses, that gets pretty awkward at times...like trying to "schedule" potty breaks...LMAO

Thanks, sweetie...hope you'll cum back
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Oh, I forgot to mention that 4 of those people only speak Japanese. My Japanese is ...erm, I don't know any! Neither do 3 of the other 4 who are supposed to be there!

You have a wonderful post with some great contributors! Will have to search and cum back with some funnies!
 
I listened in on two playgrounders whose relationship didnt quite work out! :D

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
 
Re: Chat logs ...

I've seen that one before, and it's cute.

Probably not as funny (unless you're as twisted as I am), is a cut and paste of an actual Yahoo conversation from back in the day. What can I say? I like fucking with people.

Background : Essandemme was my moniker for a while before I deleted the profile. I'm female, my profile stated I was female. So here it is in its entirety (including all of my horrible typo's)

****: hey there. m/34/(city). u?
essandemme: M/21/(city).
****:ur a guy?
essandemme: Yep. Is there a problem with that?
****: ur profile said u are f
essandemme: Don't you know people lie on profiles?
****: well thats true. but if u lied on ur profile, why u tell me so soon?
essandemme: Good point. I rarely know my motivations for doing something until after the fact. Tell me, though, do you always write on a first grade level? I expected much better from a 34 year old.
****: is this better?
essandemme: I suppose. You haven't used a pronoun yet. Or a capital letter. But I suppose that no one is perfect.
****: you really a guy?
essandemme: Why would you think I would lie?
****: you dont write like a guy your profile didnt look like a guy
essandemme: Oh, I see.
****: you see what?
essandemme: One writes intelligently, in somewhat grammatically-correct sentences, and you doubt my masculinity? Are you saying that you do not think much of your own sex?
****: i think about sex a lot
essandemme. Uh huh. About sex with men?
****: no. im not fag
essandemme: I assert that I am male, watch you berate males, and yet you are still talking with me, no? Are you certain you've never thought about being with a man?
****: im not gay. i dont think u are a man
essandemme: Your prerogative.
****: your profile is cool
****: Mind-blowing, catatonia-inducing, soul-melding, face-holding, eye-locking, fingers-laced, breath-stopping, painted-toe-nails-bouncing-over-shoulders sex.
essandemme: Congratulations, boy. You've passed Cut-and-Paste 101.
****: you paint your toenails?
essandemme: Maybe. Maybe my partner does.
****: oh. ever cheat?
essandemme: Aha! You are looking to have sex with a man then.
****: id hardly call a 21 yr old a man
essandemme: I'd hardly call what you represent a man, either.
****: touchay
essandemme: Close, but no cigar, dear heart. If you're going to bastardize a language, at least learn how to spell it. It's 'touche.' With an accent ague, no less, but unfortunately, my keyboard is not that accommodatng.
****: youre fucking with me, arent you?
essandemme: Ever study Zen?
****: zen?
essandemme: Yes, Zen. "There is knowing in not knowing."
****: definitely female
essandemme: Okay, you got me. Why 'definitely female'?
****: cos if youre a guy youd care more about ur dick then ur mind
essandemme: Really.
essandemme: Do you think that's really true? That all men fit that mold?
****: most of them
essandemme: Uh huh.
essandemme: Those kind of men are portable dildos that you have to feed and take out in public once in a while. They cause my eyes to glaze over with their own vacancy and bore me to tears.
****: im that kind of ban, am i boreing you?
essandemme: Not quite. You're, ah... entertaining. More than you know.
****: good then. i have purpose in life.
essandemme: Your purpose in life is to be other people's buffoon? That's a bit sad, isn't it?
****: u say that i bore you, than you say that i entertain you. which is it?
essandemme: Incorrect. I said that sort of man bores me. As in a romantic relationship, even a friendship. You, being neither relationship nor friendship material, entertain me.
essandemme: Does that put it in perspective for you?
****: your fucking with me. you are a woman. and not 21 either.
essandemme: What's with all the man hating? But you are probably right, on both counts.
****: you have a pci or cam?
essandemme: I have no cam. I most likely do not have a pci as I don't know what it is.
****: pic?
essandemme: Ah, no.
****: why do u have a profile like that if no pic or cam?
essandemme: Don't forget mic. I don't have a mic either.
****: why not. your ugly huh
essandemme: Yes. Extremely so. Horridly so. Or hm. Here's a thought. It might be because I don't get into that sort of shit.
****: but u like sex?
essandemme: Again, incorrect. I love sex. Adore it. Enjoy it. Worship it.
****: so
essandemme: So, I ask you. Just because I like -- or love -- sex means that I'm automatically required to cheapen it by showing my shit on cam for anyone who wants to see it? Or put my face out there in hopes of attracting someone? Or worse, thinking of some loser jacking off to my freckles?
****: ur single, right?
essandemme: Yes. I am single.
****: boyfriend? i wont ask if you have a girlfriend lol
essandemme: Unfortunately not.
****: we should get together then. i am single too
essandemme: What on earth for?
****: you like sex i like sex. we have a lot in common
essandemme: Somehow I find that difficult to believe.
essandemme: One thing in common does not a relationship make.
****: lol who was talking a relationship
essandemme: You *do* realize that any sort of interaction denotes some sort of relationship right?
****: fuck youre tecnical
essandemme: Sometimes, yes.
****: you been married?
essandemme: Yes. But you didn't ask if I had a husband. You asked if I had a boyfriend.
***: fuck. are you married now?
essandemme: Yes and no.
****: lol
****: doing your ex?
essandemme: Ex-husband? Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. *catches breath* Buwahahahahahahah.
essandemme: *Adopts a serious face* Yes. That's exactly what I meant.
essandemme: *snorts*
****: That bad in bed?
essandemme: I wouldn't know.
****: ??
essandemme: Nevermind. Long story.
****: i like you.
essandemme: You like being berated and made fun of?
****: no. youre smart. and funny.
essandemme: Of course I am. And of course you like me.
****: humble too i see haha
essandemme: At times, yes.
****: so would you meet me if i asked you to?
essandemme: No.
****: not for sex
essandemme: Of course not for sex. You'd have as much luck spreading my thighs spread as you would prying the pillars of Stonehenge from the ground.
****: see? youll be safe. we could go out for a drink. id even drive to gpt
essandemme: Awww. A 10 minute drive for little ol' me? I'm so fucking touched. In tears, even. Thanks, but no.
****: aah your company is not worth 10 mins then? its just a drink
essandemme: *smirk* I can say, with certainty, that not only is it worth a 10 minute drive, but it's worth considerble expense and time to fly to me. Besides, I have it on a leading authority that I have resume-quality pussy.
****: hahaha you like pussywipped men
essandemme: No. I like men that worship me. There is a slight, but distinct difference. Basically involving backbone and love, two concepts you are most likely unfamiliar with.
essandemme: Besides, I don't drink with strangers.
****: resume quality?
essandemme: *nods*
****: that mean you're a hooker?
essandemme: Yes. That's exactly why I don't do cam/mic/pictures. Because I go out of my way *not* to attract clientele.
****: why don't u drink ?
essandemme: I don't drinnk in public, with strangers. I didn't say I didn't drink. My brother had a seizure from something some asshole put in his drink. It made his brain literally bleed. I don't take chances.
****: ah that sux
essandemme: To say the least.
****: you ever meet any one thru yahoo?
essandemme: As in, in person?
****: yeah
essandemme: No. I have no interest in it.
****: but you could get laid??
essandemme: And I could get AIDS. Your point would be ... ?
****: you scared of sex?
essandemme: Not on my terms, no.
****: why you even have a profile then?
essandemme: Heh. Honestly? Because I like fucking with people. And, maybe, in the cornrer of my mind, I'm hoping the one that's meant to see it will.
****:eek:h for someone?
essandemme: Specifically, unfortunately not. But you never know what sort of beacons you put out ...
****: oh, like fate and shit?
essandemme: Fate and junk, yes.
****: maybe i was the one supposed to see it.
essandemme: Unlikely.
****: who are u to question fate?
essandemme: Hah. Touche.
essandemme: Because I know you're not the one.
****: and how do you know if you don't let me try your kind sex
essandemme: Meh. Because you ask the wrong questions. And while it does describe sex, it's not about sex. And you obviously missed that.
****: and what are the right questions?
essandemme: If you have to ask, you are not the one, no? Who are you to question fate.
****: hahahah.
**** how old are you, to believe in fate and hunk?
essandemme: This time around? 30.
****: this time around? lol you a hippie?
essandemme: Hippie? *boggle* Not particularly.
****: one of those freaks who beliefs in past lives and shit
essandemme: Heh.
****: still there/
essandemme: for a few minutes longer, yes.
****: so how are you married and not married?
essandemme: I don't care to go into that.
****: hmm. scared of me?
essandemme: Why on earth would I be scared of you?
****: because you love me
essandemme: Heh. While arrogance, in moderation, can be very attractive, it usually loses its appeal when there is nothing to be arrogant about.
****: i'm steve by the way. what's your name?
essandemme: S-T-E-V-as in Victor-E-N or S-T-E-P-H-as in phoney-E-N?
****: ph like from the bible
essandemme: Aah.
****: ur name?
essandemme: Elise. I was named after a Cure song. You know "Letter to Elise"?
****: hahahah the cure wasn't around 30 years ago
essandemme: Ooh, you are bright. Well. Either I'm lying about my age or I'm lying about my name. Which is it?
****: or you could be lieing about who you was named after
essandemme: Oh. Another possibility. True.
****: so you not gooing to tell me your name?
essandemme: I have.
****: Elise?
essandemme: No, but I guarantee you the letters to my name are within this conversation.
****: funny
essandemme: Well, Stephen. Thanks for the entertainment. I've gotta run.
****: can i talk to u again?
essandemme: If you can actually find me on, sure.
****: add you to friends?
essandemme: Nah. Don't question fate.
 
omahaman2 said:
I listened in on two playgrounders whose relationship didnt quite work out! :D

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
Click to expand...
Yeah, I've seen this before but its still funny every time I see it. Thanks for the contribution, OMAN
 
If Dads Raised The Kids



Boys would read more

boysread.jpg



Kids would get more rest.

kidsrest.jpg




Work would get done more efficiently



workefficiently.jpg




Potty training? Who needs it?

pottytraining.jpg


Kids would be more able to express their emotions!

express.jpg





But never let dad go to a T-Shirt making store

tshirt.jpg


tshirt4.jpg


tshirt3.jpg

>

If you don't pass this along to at least 5 friends,
a dog will come out and pee on your computer
Scroll Down
v
v
v
v
dogpeeingonkeyboard.jpg


(((((Poof)))))

hehehehe I guess you didn't send it fast enough lol
 
Lyrical Fool said:
I've seen that one before, and it's cute.

Probably not as funny (unless you're as twisted as I am), is a cut and paste of an actual Yahoo conversation from back in the day. What can I say? I like fucking with people.

Background : Essandemme was my moniker for a while before I deleted the profile. I'm female, my profile stated I was female. So here it is in its entirety (including all of my horrible typo's)

****: hey there. m/34/(city). u?
essandemme: M/21/(city).
****:ur a guy?
essandemme: Yep. Is there a problem with that?
****: ur profile said u are f
essandemme: Don't you know people lie on profiles?

...edited...

essandemme: If you can actually find me on, sure.
****: add you to friends?
essandemme: Nah. Don't question fate.
Click to expand...
LF, this proves again that real life can be funnier that whatever you make up...
 
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