this is the first bit that i have done so far....

semajoja

Virgin
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Jul 4, 2009
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Chapter One- A picnic in the woods

It was early April in lower Tennessee and the flowers where in full bloom and it was just about lunch time. A newlywed couple in a Candy red BMW-M3 speeded up a mountain road. The smell of flowers filled the air as it passed through their hair.

They where driving to a cabin that the males farther-in-law lent them for the week, and that is where they where going to meet their friends from childhood and college, for a week of vacation.

The BMW's top was down on and the sun beamed upon a long brown hair woman in her early twenties. She stood about five-three, she had hazel eyes her body was tanned from head to toe, must have been from hours in the tanning bed, with a little tattoo of a bunny of her right shoulder. The sun shined in on her almost perfectly round moderately large breasts. Her pleasantly tight and plump ass could not been of mistaken for anything but perfect. She had on a off white lacy sun dress that was cut low in the back making a 'v' shape tied around on the back of her neck . It was just short enough so u could barely see her pink laced see-thru thong, if u where sitting in the driver seat. Her name was as sweet as she was, Gabriella Dalton.

The driver was in his early thirties, still built from his army years. He had a rugged look as though he had not shaved in a weeks. His height was little above average standing in at just over five foot-nine. He had short dirty blond hair and baby blue eyes. He was wearing a Hunter Green Polo shirt and brown faded shorts on. His name was Scott Dalton.

The drive was a pleasant although hot, long, heading around the bend and turns in the roads you could look out in front of you and see the rolling mountains and to the left a little city by the name of Mountain City, it rested in the shadows of the mountains. The road winded back and forth cutting into the road the woods to where it came every few miles to small rest areas along the road. The couples decided to pull over for a break from driving and to have a quite lunch together. Scott stepping out of the car gazed around the small park. In it where oak and pine trees scattered around getting thicker as you look deeper into the woods, with birds nests, tucked up in the trees, small birds fluttered to the tress as he approached. A picnic table with a squirrel running long the limbs.


Scott said," Sweetheart wouldn't this be a fine place to have lunch? Look how beautiful this area is." Gabriella bent down to put on her saddles. She looked back up at Scott then around at the passionflowers in full bloom. Bees where buzzing around from flower to flower collecting pollen for their hive. The birds where chirping in the trees. Gabriella smiled as she watched the birds she said with excitement, “yes it would". Gabriella got out of the car and popped open the car’s back seat to pull out some blankets. Scott took their lunch out of the cooler in the trunk. Gabriella laid out the blankets on the ground and Scott laid the sandwiches and water out on the ground he sat down.

Devilishly Scott grabbed Gabriella’s thigh, running his hand up her leg she slapped his hand playfully away and said,” Not right now, silly! Someone might see us". He chuckled lightly as he pulled her down to the ground and kissed her, running his hand through her silky hair. She wrapped her long legs around his body and kissed him deeply. He ran his hand up her thigh, squeezing it tightly. She pushed him playfully off him and said,” Lets eat". She sat down showing him her pink panties, teasing him ever so slightly. Scott’s eyes where fixed on the sight of his wives panties like a bee to a sweet honey suckle. She covered up her leg shielding him from seeing his prize.

They began to eat their lunch taking their time, talking there about family, the wedding, and the weather in the area. He gazed affectingly in on her eyes pulling her hair out of her face and behind her ears. As he climbs on top of her kissing her, pushing her down on the blankets. He gently fondles her breasts as he undid the bowtie on her dress.

Gabriella gasped as her body began to tighten from the sensation. She said in a worried state," What if some one sees us?” Scott said," Let them see how hard I fuck my new wife". Her breath quickened as his crouch grinded into her panties, teasing her bare shaved pussy. He took off his shirt revealing his rugged chest. He kissed down her body pushing off the dress. He tossed it the dress to the side. He pecked down her tight thigh. Gabriella pulled on his hair with passion as goose bumps formed on her legs, pulling him in close to her body kissing him deeply.

He ran his hand around her breast slightly teasing her nipples, Tantalizing they where hard as rocks. He pecked slowly down her body with every kiss her body tightened up. He Soul kissed her panties licking her pussy through her panties; she closed her eyes tightly and spread her legs. He pulled off her panties all ready wet and tossed them to the side. He kissed back down her thighs and being to finger her; as his finger entered her body she was at lost breath. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes even tighter. Gabriella moaned his half of his name,”Sc…..” as his tongue flicked her clit swiftly as she moans his name completely.


The pulse from the flicks of his tongue where like a lighting rod running up her body. She started breathing heavier and yelled out” keep going I'm about to explode.” He grabs both of her thighs holding them into place running his finger in even deeper into her tight wet pussy. She Screamed out “oh god… Scott” as she came. Her Body shook with passion and then she smiled with content as she climbed on top of him.

She kissed down his body running her hands over his rock hard body. His abs tightened with every peck. She undid his pants and pulled them to his ankles as his eight inch cock popped out. She pulled off if boxers reveling how thick he was about two and one-half inches. Gabriella Grasped his cock in her hand and started stroking him and lightly sucking on the tip his eye started rolling back into his head. His abbes tighten as she swallowed his cock whole. She then started to bob up and down swallowing it whole with each lunge into her mouth.

She kissed slowly back up his body and slid his jumbo cock into her small tight pussy. He moans lightly he set’s up. She wraps her legs around his body pulling him in deeper. She dug her claws into his back hard and harder with every inch.

Scott grabbed Gabriella’s shoulders tightly controlling her whole body. He starts smashing his cock in her hard. She began to grind forward making slow pelvic trust. She moans a gin digging her nails into his back. She wraps her arm around his Neck looking deeply in to his eyes kissing him passionately. She gets off of him and gets on all four’s. Scott stands on his knees behind hind her inserting his cock deeply in her, slowly inch by inch her breathing pick up she moans out" Fuck me hard now Scott" Scott smiles at the control he has over her mind and body. He starts trusting forward her tits jerked back in forth with every trust. Gabriella moans “Oh god Scott I'm about to cum a gin." He pounds her pussy from behind. She screams out his name,” SCOTT!!!!” As her body collapsed down on it's self. He picks her up turning her around, pulling apart her legs as he slid in between her. He forced his cock back into Gabriella’s wet pussy. Her eyes began to role in the back of her head. Scott grabbed one of her legs and keeps fucking her pounding her body She Moans loudly with every trust. He yell’ out loudly “oh baby I’m about to cum.”

She say's very quickly” I want it in my mouth”. Scott stood up. Gabriella body weak and shaky she went to her knees and opens her mouth wide as Scott explodes inside of her mouth. She swallow’s every drop then falls back out of breath her body tingling all over. His leg buckled and he clasped on top of her. He kissed her lips genteelly biting her bottom lip softly. They lay the under the blanket cuddling until the feeling came back into there bodies. Scott stands up back up and grabs her clothes and hiss tosses hers to her. He bind's down and kisses her then gets dressed with her. Gabriella pulls up her sun dress stopping at her lush breasts and pulls her top over them and turns around ask Scott” will you tie me up?”. He look at her and says” sure honey” he tie’s it briskly. She picks up her panties and tosses them in the trunk of the car and picks up the rest of blankets along with Scott. They put them in the trunk of the BMW lightly covered in pollen and Crawls back into the seats. Scott leans over and kisses his wife. He starts the car and grips the steering wheel tightly and they drive off back on to road and onto the cabin.


Chapter Two- The first arrival

Two girls, in their early twenties, riding green and black”” crouch rockets pulled up to the cabin. They kicked up dust from the drive way as the pulled in. Stopping shortly in the grass and putting on their bikes kick stands.

They both got off and took off their helmets. One was fair in complexion; she had red hair and stood well above average 5'10 to be exact. She had leg’s that went on for miles and small tight ass showed through her skin tight leather pants. Her eyes where as blue as the ocean, and her hair was as red as lava her hair was let down around her neck so it Almost hid her very petite tits. She had a leather jacket on and a green tube top under it. Her name was Cesalie Evenheart.

The other rider was a bright blonde that stood 5'0 tall. Her hair dangled in a mess from the rid around her body raveling her easily DD sized tits. Her eyes were black as the midnight sky. She took off her sunglasses and bent over to tie back up her boot showing her plump ass her yellow g-string rode up from her jeans. She took off her jacket revealing a black skulled faced t-shirt. She pulled back her hair back into a pony tale and she went by the name Ashley Marie Nowell.

They looked around you could and could see a small stream off in the distance that ran into a small large pond that was surrounded by yellow wield flowers. The stream cut through the landscape like a knife through butter. The lawn had been recently mowed.

Cesalie looked to Ashley and said” Are u sure this is the right place? "Ashley pulls out the map and the invitation and looked over studying it carefully. Then she pulled out the key out of the letter they got in the mail some months earlier and said" yes I believe so".
Cesalie looked around and said “I don’t think Scottie and Gabriella made it yet.” Cesalie looked up and smiles brightly and said "I'll race u!" They both raced to the door making it to the front door slamming the key in and flinging it open.

When u enter the room the first thing u would see was a din sitting down lowered with two leather couches and a big screen TV with a fire place off to the side. If you looked down the hallway you could see the kitchen and dining room and a red table cloth over the table and some flowers sitting as a center piece. Straight in front of u where the stairs leading up to the bed rooms appeared to be about five bedrooms.


Ashley and Cesalie raced up stairs and took their first left entering the room as soon as they ran in to door one behind the other they saw the huge queen sized beds, to huge dressers with vanities for make up their was 2 other doors leading from the room one open showing a bath room and the other closed about as much as u could guess it went into the other bed room. They looked at each other and said” Dib's on the room.” Cesalie tossed her book bag on the ground by a dresser. Ashley tossed her bag on the ground and walked in to the bathroom. She Screamed in delight” OMG Cesalie you have to see this. Cesalie ran in to the bath room and her moth hit the floor. They could see a huge glass shower easily could fit 3 people in it, a huge bath tub and his and her sinks with white towels hanging on the towel racks.


Cesalie looked at Ashley smiled sat down on the tub turning on the facet shot out hot and steamy water it began to fill the tub she put the plug in and some bubble bath and looked up at Ashely who was already being to get undressed right in front of Cesalie. Cesalie Said not fair as she being to undo her leather jacket. Ashely pulled off her black t- shirt showing her plump DD size tits she had huge nipples poked through her white lacey while push up bra. Cesalie looked and Ashely and said” I whish I could have your huge tits”” as she pull off her light green tub top showing her bare A size tit almost b cupped tits her nipples where small and dark like her tits.


She grabbed her boobs and said” look at them their so small..... “ Ashely undid her bra tossing it to the ground with her shirt and started undoing her leather biker pants sliding them down kicking them of showing her plump ass barely being covered by her g –string. “She said most guys don't mind small tits now day's Cesalie”. Cesalie slide off her leather pants showing her black thong underwear with a little kitty on the front that said eat me she kicked her clothes to the side and got into the water as it was just coming to the fill line as she slid in the bubbles.

Ashely pulled off her panties and got in with her. Cesalie splashed her and said " get out I got in here first go take a shower'. Ashely said “no as she laid back and turned on the jets. The jets ran down the girl’s body and lightly fluttered their clit. Ashely being to finger her self softly under the water she moaned and slid down in the water spreading her legs. Cesalie looked at her and said" Hey what if some one hears u." Ashely said" that’s never stopped us before she floated over to Cesalie and gave her a peck the lips and pushing her to the side, and sitting her on the side of the tub to eat her out.

Ashely being to lick Cesalie’s clit she moaned and crawled up the side of the tub. Ashely ran three of her fingers deep in side of Cesalie running all 3 fingers over her g spot. Cesalie moan and grabbed her perky tits and played with them she trusted her body toward Ashely’s tongue. Cesalie reached over and grab her 8 inch dildo from her shower bag and gave it to Ashely and said” hey use my new toy. Ashely grabs the dildo and slide the tip in around, just penetrating her body.

Teaseling Cesalie she said with frustration said" stop that u knows how much I hate that." Ashely slammed the fake cock deep in her. Ashely grab the end of the dildo started fucking her fast twisting it as the dildo went in out rubbing hard on her clit. Cesalie grabbed sides of the tube and her body being to shake she moaned “Oh my god this feels so good” Her body trusted forward almost lifting out of the tub as she climaxed she cried out” oh yes right their. Ashely pulled out the dildo laying it to the side and being to eat her out licking up her cum. Cesalie moaned out grabbing her head stopping her she said out of breath” I…. can’ take anymore right now and started to giggling”.

Cesalie smiled devilishly and said “I want to try fucking you like your guy dose” as she got a strap on out of her bag and put on the dildo on to it. Ashely giggled and smiled said “I’m game just don’t hurt me with that cock of yours is a lot bigger than mikes” she turned and around bent over the side of the tub showing her plump ass. She said” God I need a good I need a good fucking I haven’t had one in weeks”. Cesalie hooked the dildo on her it had a small vibrate the play with her pussy every time she would trust forward she strapped it on.


Grabbed Ashely's hair and pull it to the side. Slides the cock in her Ashely’s very wet pussy. Ashely moan echoed thru out the house .Cesalie began fucking Ashely hard ramming the cock deep inside her. Ashely started scream lightly with each ram yelling “fuck me harder Cesalie”. Cesalie kept pounding her strap on deep in to Ashely’s pussy as her large breast trusted forward. The water begins to splash out of the tub with every trust. Cesalie moans “this feels so good” Ashely screamed” FUCK YES as she began to cum she grab the side and fell forward. She got back up and said I want to fuck your tight small pussy with that thing now.



Cesalie takes off the strap on and sits on the side of the tub spread here legs wide say’s I haven’t had a big cock in a while so be gentle until I get good and wet. Ashely pulls Cesalie to her hold her body down back starts fucking her hard slamming the cock deep inside of her. Cesalie begs “harder Ashely harder” Ashely grabs Cesalie tits and fondles her nipples and keep fucking pound every inch of the dildo deep inside of her. Cesalie screams out Ashely’s name as the cock slams on her G-spot and she cums and body trembles under and her eyes roll far in the back of her head. Ashely doesn’t stop and keeps fucking her. She grabs her hair and pull's it up hard holding her head up finger's her clit as she fuck's Cesalie. Cesalie cums again and screams out “Oh god Ashely this is my best fuck ever!!!” Ashely pulls out the dildo and lick up Cesalie cum her body shakes and tingles with every time see touches her with Ashely’s tongue.


Cesalie pulls away and beings to clean up and get dressed along with Ashely; Cesalie puts on a very short jean skirt with white tank top and a nude bra and black see thru panties and also puts on her ear rings and her perfume and her cross. Ashely slides on a black Capri and a red tub top with a black jacket and blue thong panties and blue bra she slides on huge loopy ear rings and puts on her rings that her ex boy friend gave her. They turn around and walk into the bed room


Ashely heads down stairs. As Cesalie lies across the bed pulling out her laptop out of her bag and turns it on to check her e-mail. Ashely comes down stairs as she sees, Scott walk through the front door followed right behind by Gabriella.

Ashely runs up to Gabriella and kisses her on the check and say's this places is great Pleases thank your dad for letting us use this place. Cesalie hears the three down stairs and run's down to meet them. She dives and jumps on Scott yelling" SCOTTIE!!!!!” She jumps up wrapping her legs around him. Cesalie see Gabriella then jumps off and hugs Gabriella. The group sits around talking and joking about old times.


Chapter 3- The Phone call


Suddenly Scott gets a phone call. He answer it and a male voice comes over saying" Hey! Scott, it’s Damien, I'm running a little behind and weather getting bad where on the interstate. I have to go now Scott I just wanted to tell u a might be a little late. Scott says" Alright man drive safe. Out!” Scott hangs up the phone. Gabriella, Ashely, Cesalie ask" who was it?" Scott" it was Damien he's running in to bad weather so he will be late.

Ashely asked “Is any one was hungry?” Scott said in a quick tone” sure I’m down for eating”. Gabriella and Cesalie said at almost the same” sure I could eat” Ashely turned, around and walked into the kitchen. Gabriella said wait up” I’m coming to help”

Scott said well I’m going to watch TV now. He walked into the living room and sat down and started watching TV turning it on to the race. Cesalie ask Scott “Can I join you?” Scott looked up from the TV and said “sure if you don’t mind watching the race.” She sat down beside him and looked at him as he watched the race. She leaned over to him whispering” You remember when we met in AIT training when we went out on the town and how much we fucked?” Scott looked up from the TV and chuckled “Yea….. That was good times, but I’m married now and I can’t do that any more I’m married now.’ Cesalie said” yes that is a shame Gabriella, sunk her self a great man.’ She ran her hand along his crouch. Scott slapped her hand away he said in a stern voice” Stop that!” Cesalie giggled and lean over on the other side of the couch and watched the game.

Ashely called for Cesalie” Hey would u come set the table for us?” She leaned up form the couch and said “Sure I’m on my way” She got up and straddled Scott, kissing him on the lips holding his head in the place. Scott pulled back resisting. He pushed her off forcefully and said softly “I said stop it; you said” you would be good.” Cesalie Smiled and said” I am, but I need a good spanking” she turn around and left the room to set the table. Scott turned and watched her shake her ass as she left the room he turned back to watch the TV as a sever weather report came across the screen.

The broadcast said there is a large thunder storm heading into the area, it is cable of golf ball sized hell and is heavily producing lighting, the warning will be from ten thirty three to three-O-Clock am this morning. Scott stood up, walked to the window and looked out as the sun was going down and a dark thunder storm off in the distance light up the sky.

Gabriella walked back into the Din and looked on TV as a broadcast ended. She walk up to him hugged him and kissed him softly on the lips and said” Dinner will be ready in about twenties minutes. What was that weather broadcast?” Scott replied” Oh just a sever thunderstorm heading in the area. It will be over by tomorrow morning.”

Scott said” thank you” and kissed her back. She turned around and began to walk away, before she got out of Scotts reach. He slapped her ass hard and Said I Can’t wait until to night. Gabriella turned her head over her shoulders and said in a sexy voice” I don’t know what you’re talking about?” she left the room and went back into the room with the girls. Scott sat back down to watch the race.

Gabriella walked into the kitchen as the water on the stove came to a boil and Ashely put the noodles in the water. She walked up behind her and said “that theirs a thunderstorm on the way.” Ashely turned and frowned. Damn we want be able to get into the pool. Cesalie overhearing their conversation said” what if we all get into the hot tub after dinner and have a few drinks. Gabriella looked at the two and said” sure but we need to get some drinks.”

Gabriella walked over to the out Alcohol cabinet it was filled with various bottle of hard licker and wines. There was an unopened bottle of Jack Daniel, about half a bottle of Yeager and some Jim Bean, As far as the wine went there was 2 bottles of red wine the label dusty from the years it sat up their. She pulled out of the cabinet one bottle of red wine and got down some glasses filling them half way.

Gabriella passed the glasses to Ashely and Cesalie and said “what shall we toast to?” Cesalie smiled and held up her glass “For long lasting friendship and great sex for the rest of our lives.” The three women held there glasses up to gather taping to gather the crystal sound echoed throughout the house.

Scott walked into the kitchen as the three girls where finishing off there glasses of wine. Scott said “Hey where’s mine? Marry smiled brightly and grabbed a glass out of the counter and poured a glass and handed it to him. He said” thank u sweet heart, I let you girls get back to your party.” He turned a left the kitchen.

Scott walked up to the window in the den and looked out as rain started hitting the window he saw a car with there head lights on drive up the drive way. The head lights passed over the house and parked. Two people got out and ran towards the house.

Scott yelled out to the girl’s “Damien is here as here.” Scott walked to the door and opened it as Damien walked in the door and said” good evening” A brown skinned women in a rain coat followed in behind her and stood beside Damien.

Damien was a large muscular black man about six-three and two hundred and fifty pound. He was a line man for the Miami Hurricanes. He had a black hair and brown eyes. He wore his game jersey and long blue jeans pants. He turned to the woman and said this is “Ashanti my friend from work.”

Ashanti took off her jacket she was a very light skinned black girl. Her hair was fine and dark it snaked it way down just pass her ass. She was very pretty along the lines of an African goddess and she had green eye that off set her face. She had lush large breasts and her nipples poking through her wet white shirt. She wore blue jean skirt on and though her shirt you could see her pink lacey bra.

Gabriella walked up to Damien hugged him tightly. She reaches up on her tip toes kissing him on the cheek and said “long time no see. He hugged her back saying “yes it has angle. So how is your job going.’’ Gabriella said” Fine….. But who is your friend?’ Damien said with embarrassment “oh yea. This is my friend and co worker Ashanti.

Damien turned to her and said “Ashanti this is Scott, Ashely, Gabriella and last but not least Cesalie” the group said “Hey” as they were being introduced.

Scott said” Hey guys lets get out of the door here and let Damien and Ashanti go get changed before we eat, he leaned in and picked up Ashanti’s bags and carried them up stairs to one of the empty rooms as Damien followed him with his bags and Ashanti right behind him.

Scott turned and said make your self’s at home and dinner will be ready in a few, he turned and walked out the door shutting it behind him.

Ashanti tuned to Damien in an angry tone” Oh I’m just a friend I can’t be introduced as your fucking girl friend! So I can go fuck that white boy down there and u wouldn’t care? You know what after this weekend comes up were through” Damien said back in an angry tone”. Listen her bitch; don’t start that shit….. Scott always new me as a player I don’t know how to react and as far as you fucking him I don’t give a shit.” He changed his clothes and walked out the door shutting it firmly behind him.

Damien walked down stairs and into the kitchen meeting Scott along the way. Damien said” what’s up dog?” giving him a hand shake” he asked if he could help set the table. Scott replied” nothing bro. If you want to help you can help Ashely pore the drinks if you don’t mind. Damien turned and helped Ashely get the drinks made.

Ashanti walked into the kitchen wearing a black mini skirt, and a green halter top with a white tank top under it the shirt was really tight revealing that she wore no bra u could just see her nipples pokeing thruught nher shirt as everyone was just getting ready to sit down.

Ashanti walked in and sat down across from Scott and on the other side of scott sat gaberlia and Damien sat down beside Ashely and to the left of Ashley sat Cesalie. The dinner went smooth as they talked about old times. Scott talked about his new job offer as a Military contractor working on the new sitcom radios and the sever stacks, then Damien talked about his number one foot ball game where he made the quarter back fumble 4 times in the first quarter and how it led to in teams victory over the panthers.

Ashley and Cesalie talked about all the motor cycles and cars that their bissness had been selling and how the stock markets where booming. Ashanti talked about her family introducing her self and answering question all the group had about her life. Gaberlia talked about life at the hospitals a doctor working in the ER and all the gory Scenes she saw. They kept drink as one by one left the table until it was Ashley and Ashanti left, as they sat their alone together they drank the rest of the wine. Ashanti said ‘ you know what I haven’t had this much fun in a long time I thought this was going to be a bull shit trip….but its turned out to be a really fun. By the way Ashley you are a really pretty woman you know that? Ashley smiled and agreed and said “thank u I have a lot of fun. She stood up drinking the last bit of wine out of her glass. Saying well I’m off to bed I’m about to pass out as it is, goodnight. She turned and hugged Ashanti. Turned and walked out of the room heading up stairs.



Chapter 4- A Midnight Snack

Scott rolled over and looked at the alarm clock as it just flick over to two zero three in the morning he stood up from his drunken stupor and looked at Gabriella passed on snoring heavily.

He walked quietly down to the bathroom took a quick piss and then stumbled down stair and got out a bottle of water. He shut the fridge and saw Ashanti sitting outside by her self in the hot tub. He opened the door and walked outside to her.

As he walked on her he notice that she was nude. The water boiled over her large breast, her head was covered by a towel. He walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped in the water turning towards him saying “I thought everyone was passed out so I couldn’t sleep so I beside to get in the hot tub. Scott replied I don’t mind that your down here do you want me to leave you alone?’ She replied quickly” No…. but I would love some company


He pulled of his shirt revealing his body. She said as his shirt came off” nice body…Thinking to her self I can wait to see the rest. He kicked of his boxers and got in with her. As he got in he said in low tone” you have a great fucking body and thanks for the complement” She looked at him and said “ thanks, no problem I can see why Gaby likes you. You have a huge cock…..”Scott Chuckled loudly He said” but aren’t you and Damien together” She replied hell no that prick only likes me for the sex. I’m though with his pill popping taking ass. She floated over and wrapped her dark legs around his body tossing her hands around his body” she said” So what do u thinks of my tits? I just got them done.” He smiled and said I like them a lot as he ran his hand over her breast squeezing them hard” She ran her hand down to his rock hard cock and being to jack him off” He got up on the side of the hob tub as she being to tease the head of his cock with her tongue. She being to suck his cock bobbing her head all the way up and down. Scott moaned as the steel from her tongue ring ran over the tip of his cock every time she would wrap her tongue around his dick. She kissed back up his body, warping her legs back around his.



Ashanti reached down grabbing his dick and slid his cock in to her pussy. She moaned loudly “Oh my god your cock is fucking huge” her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she closed them tightly and rode his cock. Scott grabbed her tits flicking her nipples hard, Scott moaned with pleasure as he cock slid in and out of his cock. She pulled off his body turning around grabbing the sides she said softly” fuck me hard Scottie.” He stood up and slid his cock deep in her pussy. She said in pain not so fast it hurts slowly and first” He slowly pounds her pussy, her tight ass jiggled as he slid in and out of her. Ashanti “moaned out slap my ass”


Scott slapped his hand down hard on her tight plump ass. She moaned out “That’s right daddy I been a bad girl fuck my pussy hard now” He started fucking her hard slamming his cock in and out her tits lunged forward. She moaned out “I’m Cumming…….. She grabbed his body and held him in her. He moaned oh god me too as he shot his lode deep in her pussy* she pulled off him laying back in the tub out of breath her whole body tingling “ I never cued like that before. He laid back his whole body sweating “He said you’re a great fuck but you can’t tell Gaby about this.” She replied “Oh u can’t bet on that as long as you don’t tell Damien I keep sucking your fat cock every now and then. Scott smiled and said “Deal” as he stood up kissing her on the lips and went back into the house to dry off and go back to bed.


Ashanti walks into the living room picks up her underwear sliding on her bra and pulling up her panties. She slides on her shirt and gets a blanket out of the hall closet net to the kitchen and lies down on the coach. She lay’s back thinking to herself “That will show him….. Call me a bitch and not introduce me to his friends as his wife. I hope I get pregnant by him so I can rub it in Damien’s face.”



Chapter 5-A Day The beach


Scott wakes up from his bed the birds are chirping outside and sun is beaming into the room Gabriela has already gotten dressed. You can hear movement down stairs. Scott gets dressed pulling on some PJ's pants and walks down stairs. He knocks on Damien’s room as he walks by seeing if he is a wake.


The girls are already dressed and in there bikinis ready to go to lake for a swim. Gaberlia and Cesalie say “good morning sleepy head. Did you sleep well?” Scott replies with a heavy hang over “yes…..” Gaberlia is wear a blue and white striped bikini, the bikini is a little to small showing her ass cheeks when she bends over. Cesalie is where a yellow thong bikini that cover’s her petite chest, Ashanti is where a black bikini with white flowers that barely cover her breast. Ashley is wearing an American flagged boy short bikini that’s stretched really tight over her ass showing every curve.


Damien comes in the kitchen wearing a small Speedo. Scott bust out laughing along with the rest of the girls. Damien smiles and say’s “what you’re just mad because I make this look good.”
 
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Not knowing anything about what category the story is, having no clue if it could entertain me in the slightest, I started my loudreading program on it.

After the first 400 words of uninteresting description, which seemingly had no significance for the storyline, I stopped my "speech". I was bored by then, had trouble concentrating on the words coming out of my headphones, and was thinking that people who don't specifically beg for constructive criticism usually doesn't want it.
 
ummmm....... ok i take that as it need a lot of grammar work which i know that the story is not ment to be all about straight hard core sex...... it's ment to be more of a story to know why these people are here and why....... and it's not finshied yet........ it has a while to go....
 
Hi,

As you noted, you definitely need some help from an editor. Grammar, spelling, punctuation all need quite a bit of work. To be honest, these issues prevented me from reading any further than chapter one. It's hard to get lost in a fantasy, let alone become aroused by it, when I end up editing as I read.

I happened to like the descriptions at the beginning of the story. They were a little much in places, but I definitely got the sense of driving up a mountain road on a beautiful summer day; I don't know jack about BMW's, but for some reason I imagine they're driving a convertible. I don't know. I've had that experience myself, sans BMW or convertible, so maybe it was just I could relate to the feeling of the wind in my hair, the sun warm and bright, the scent of flowers as we drive up the side of a mountain.

That being said, it would have helped me as a reader if you had stayed consistent with this sort of narrative. You start out nice and descriptive but as the story moves along, particularly with the sex, it turns into a play-by-play of "I did this and that and she did that and this." I did think you got sight and touch down pretty nicely; the goose bumps and eyes screwed shut provided nice visuals.

I appreciated the little details you used to describe the characters. I would suggest dispersing the description throughout to make the narrative sound more natural. For example, later on in the story during the picnic you mention Gabriella's silky hair. That would have been a perfect spot to drop in its color. The tattoo on her shoulder, as well as her tanned skin, could have been mentioned while they were making love. The way you have it now, IMO, sounds too much like a police report, like "here are the characters; watch them do things". It reminds me I'm reading a story rather than allowing me to get lost in it, to make your fantasy come to life for me. Since you work so hard to set the scene those two paragraphs stick out and seem out of place, and make your characters less real to me.

I hope this helps. I do think your story has potential, and if you could correct the mechanics in particular this is something I'd probably read; I happen to like stories which take place in nature. :) Good luck with it!
 
You can't ask us to not judge the story on its spelling and grammar. You can't ask us to read as if those issues do not count. They do count.

True, they're not a big deal; mostly you've got homophones ("where" instead of "were", stuff like that) and take barely an instant to get over. But each time we, The Reader, hit one, it lowers our opinion of you.

When a person is passionate about something, they're perfectionistic about that thing. My cousin just told me about her friend, who loves washing cars. He'll take issue with how she polishes the rims and redo the whole darn thing himself. Why? Because he cares. He wants to get it right--heck, he wants to get it perfect. There is no "good enough" when you're really, really passionate about something.

And buddy, we, The Reader, have no interest in putting time and effort into a story if you, The Writer, don't care enough to get it right. You don't have to shoot for perfect (though you should), but you also can't settle for "good enough". Where fiction is concerned, "good enough" is a synonym for "bad". :(

So go home, run a spell-checker, and after that, do a word-by-word pass. Not only will that help you fix up the spelling errors and stuff, but it'll help you identify places where the writing is weak. Read your story. Work on it, instead of just rattling it off and then throwing it out the door. Work on it. That's the first step to going from "good enough" to "getting it right".

Good luck. :)
 
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