Reader Feed back on my Humor/Satire Story

[dmallord]

If you have a few minutes - I invite you to take a look at my 3 Lit page entry into humor and satire. It is about a carpenter that gets taken to the cleaners by his ex-wife and how a mysterious lady turns the tables in his favor. Below are two excerpts from a couple of scenes. I left the sexy ones for the actual story. If you are interested. I would appreciate your feedback on the content and the character development aspects.

https://www.literotica.com/s/life-is-like-shit-not-chocolate

Life Is Like a Bucket of Shit - Not a Box of Chocolates
https://www.literotica.com/s/life-is-like-shit-not-chocolate
9,999 MS Words

dmallord
….

My life had become just like that bucket of shit. Three years into my marriage with Rita and it had gone to hell. To be candid, most of our first year was - almost all roses. My cock was like a really happy puppy. Rita rubbed it, petted it and kissed it just like a newborn pup. The second year had some ups and downs. I'd say it was almost all wild flowers, dandelions, and crabgrasses; I couldn't pull it out fast enough before it grew back in again. The third year was a real bucket of shit; especially the day I signed over the house, the car, my bank assets, and my imaginary third nut to her fricken ass!

My lawyer all but said, "Might as well bring some axle grease to the table -- the judge is gonna make you drop your britches, bend over, and grab your ankles, kid. You know what the grease is for, right? Kid, you aughta be glad y'all didn't have kids. Now, about that mangy ass-licking dog you love so much..."

…..

Beginning to empty the bag of groceries, I asked, "Are you hungry, I was going to make something quick and easy, - my specialty -- greasy burgers and some deep fried, ready-made French fries? Care to join me?"

Instead of 'Yes' she answered, "I'm probably a better cook than you are. Why don't you show we what you got and I'll show you what I can do with it!" She spoke as straight faced as any of Marilyn Monroe's deadpan lines that I ever heard.

My smile was like a Cheshire cat's at her remark. Clearly, she was smart. She realized instantly the double entendre her words contained. "The food better be what you're reaching for mister," she said coolly.

"Eighty percent lean and twenty percent fat," is what I have in the bag. The other is one-hundred percent lean muscle, not for cooking." I smirked as I set the contents of the bag on the kitchen table.

 

[desecration]

Reminds me of a compressed version of something that Donald Westlake might write.

 

[XerXesXu]

I'd use less description in the dialogue.


As I emptied the bag of groceries, I asked, "Are you hungry, I was going to make something quick and easy, - my specialty -- greasy burgers and some deep fried, ready-made French fries? Care to join me?"

"I'm probably a better cook than you are. Why don't you show me - what you got - and I'll show you - what I can do with it," she said, innocently.

I welcomed her offer with an arch grin.

She raised an eyebrow. "The food better be what you're reaching for mister."

I set the ingredients on the table. "Eighty percent lean and twenty percent fat. The other is - one-hundred percent lean muscle - not for cooking."

 

[dmallord]

Thanks erXesXu for responding!

I'd use less description in the dialogue.


As I emptied the bag of groceries, I asked, "Are you hungry, I was going to make something quick and easy, - my specialty -- greasy burgers and some deep fried, ready-made French fries? Care to join me?"

"I'm probably a better cook than you are. Why don't you show me - what you got - and I'll show you - what I can do with it," she said, innocently.

I welcomed her offer with an arch grin.

She raised an eyebrow. "The food better be what you're reaching for mister."

I set the ingredients on the table. "Eighty percent lean and twenty percent fat. The other is - one-hundred percent lean muscle - not for cooking."

Thanks for sharing the refinements. I like the crispness of your version. Particularly the way the voice comes out in the second paragraph. It reads so much better!

By chance did you have time to read the full story? Any thoughts about how that was handled?

 

[XerXesXu]

By chance did you have time to read the full story? Any thoughts about how that was handled?

I had a look.

I happily gave it 5 stars and I wasn’t reluctant to read it; an imaginative story, with sympathetic characters, well told in, a very distinctive and engaging, first-person voice. A sense of humour improves everything.

PS: It's far better than the title suggests. Maybe work on the title.

 

[dmallord]

Thank you!

I'll look into an alternative title. Not sure how that would affect anyone's favorited or bookmarked choices though.

I've read the 1st Bar Girls intro. Plan to finish the series also. Nice crisp just like you edits in my storyline.

 

[dmallord]

'How to write ...' article feedback request

My latest work is a 'How to write ...' article focusing on on structured writing techniques to developing a good storyline for Literotica readers. It provides basic story development structure and provides readers background information from published authors both professional and notable writers' work in Literotica publication on site.

I have provided examples that I believe illustrate the relevant basic parts: beginning, middle, and end of a storyline. The article also has a substantial portion devoted to character development.

If you have a few moments, I welcome your feedback on the contents or ideas on improving the article.

https://literotica.com/s/how-to-develop-a-good-story-01