looking for someone to proofread and comment on a story..

[loveofsol]

looking for suggestions on this story....

Midnight Swim

It had been a wonderful day, bright sunlight filtered through the canopy of the trees that surrounded the cabin broken occasionally by a large puffy white cloud. At the water's edge some hundred feet in away a beautiful view of all the boats out on the lake. A good-sized crowd of family and friends had come for a cookout and a swim.

And at dusk, which came early in the mountains where they were, they had a fire on the edge of the water, everyone laughing and toasting marshmallows while singing songs and telling stories from their past.

About 8:30pm people started departing, wishing each other well and all promising to have another get together soon, which was likely going to be next weekend. By 10pm the fire had been quenched, the beach and tables cleaned up and everything put away before their friends began the two-hour trek back to the suburbs and their own homes.

Post no more than three paragraphs to a forum per site guidelines.

 

[thomas1965]

I like the description of the setting.

I find the sentences in the last paragraph a bit too long.

two-hour trek back to the suburbs and their own homes

I find it too detailed.

My free version of Papyrus Author gives the three paragrahs the following readability.
79 - 59 - 62.

 

[loveofsol]

I like the description of the setting.

I find the sentences in the last paragraph a bit too long.


I find it too detailed.

My free version of Papyrus Author gives the three paragrahs the following readability.
79 - 59 - 62.

thank you, much appreciated

 

[Kumquatqueen]

First sentence - need a full stop (period) after day, then a comma after cabin.
Second - 'in away' makes no sense - do you mean "at the water's edge, some hundred feet away, was"? You'd see the boats from where you were even if they were 100 feet away, so the view isnt there. Confusing.
Third sentence has a lot of words for what it adds to the story.

Second para - who are 'they' and why should I give a shit? (Sorry for bluntness, but that's where I'd click away!)

Third para - lots of words, not much happening. Condense it down (or describe in a new compelling way), so people get to the good stuff quicker.

Seeing as you asked.