How to get my wife into an open relationship

[ursecrethusband]

I really want an open relationship but I'm not sure how to
1. Bring up the topic with her - we did joke about it but it was just in a passing
2. How to make her comfortable doing it - she is an extrovert but sexually more of a monogamist (maybe)
3. How do I communicate what I want without getting a negative reaction to it? (Seems like it would be so easy if she wanted to fuck someone but I don't think that she thinks that about other guys maybe?)
4. How to slowly get to the point where we talk and have casual sex with other people freely without affecting our marriage.

Any advice(s) or personal experiences are welcome

 

[davion2308]

First things, first: You don't "Get" anyone into an open relationship. That's not how it works if you do it right.

Secondly, if your relationship is not at the point of comfort, openness, and confidence with each other that you feel you could discuss this with her without her taking it the wrong way, the two of you are not in a good emotional position to pursue this. It will absolutely affect your marriage and you'll have issues.

Open marriages and open sexual situations are a way for couples/people to strengthen an already strong marriage or relationship. It works (and works well) when you two have a great marriage and you're both looking to expand your experiences and and help each other find a variety of physical pleasure.

I won't tell you what to do because I don't know you but I can highly recommend that as you're describing your goals above, you two probably aren't ready and she'll take the conversation as a show that you're dissatisfied or unhappy in your relationship.

 

[curioustxn]

I really want an open relationship but I'm not sure how to
1. Bring up the topic with her - we did joke about it but it was just in a passing
2. How to make her comfortable doing it - she is an extrovert but sexually more of a monogamist (maybe)
3. How do I communicate what I want without getting a negative reaction to it? (Seems like it would be so easy if she wanted to fuck someone but I don't think that she thinks that about other guys maybe?)
4. How to slowly get to the point where we talk and have casual sex with other people freely without affecting our marriage.

Any advice(s) or personal experiences are welcome

Just a thought, but if you do get her to go for an open-relationship, and she meets someone she likes better than you, you can kiss your wife good -bye, along with half of everything you own.

 

[ursecrethusband]

I appreciate you guys on your perspectives. Thank you

 

[fire_breeze]

I really want an open relationship but I'm not sure how to
1. Bring up the topic with her - we did joke about it but it was just in a passing
2. How to make her comfortable doing it - she is an extrovert but sexually more of a monogamist (maybe)
3. How do I communicate what I want without getting a negative reaction to it? (Seems like it would be so easy if she wanted to fuck someone but I don't think that she thinks that about other guys maybe?)
4. How to slowly get to the point where we talk and have casual sex with other people freely without affecting our marriage.

Any advice(s) or personal experiences are welcome

You cannot make or 'get' anyone to do anything--much less change a fundamental aspect of who they are. The only thing you can make another person do is maybe have them take out the rubbish or do the dishes. Maybe.

Just because your wife is an extrovert does not mean she's poly. The two have nothing to do with each other.

What you should do is consider--really chew to the bone--the implications of opening up the relationship before approaching it with her. Have you weighed every possible permutation? Are you able to handle the shift in dynamic and how it will affect your marriage (because it will)? Have you considered the stability of your current relationship? Of what if it doesn't work for you but your wife wants to continue? What rules do you imagine?

I'd suggest that you speak with several people in open relationships and discuss with them the dynamics and why and how it works for them. Then, based on their suggestions, sit down with your lady wife and bring it up. See her reaction. Be prepared that she will say that she is not interested. If so, what then? Is this a deal-breaker for you?
If she is on board, consider talking--together--with other poly couples, addressing both of your questions and concerns, and go from there

Full disclosure: I'm mono, though some of my closest friends, and a relative of mine are poly and are in open relationships. I tried the open relationship and it's not for me. It lead to my ex cheating on me and it took a lot of work for me to get over it.

Regardless, any relationships, mono or poly, is based on communication. Hone that first.

Good luck.

 

[lovecraft68]

These threads, and there's been so many of them, drive me crazy. You cannot 'get' someone to do something like this unless there is a desire there. To go along with others, it doesn't seem you're in the place for even the conversation.

Swinging, sharing is not what movies and erotica make it out to be. Sad fact is it fails more than it works out, and you end up in a divorce. Jealousy, insecurities, feelings of being pressured into it...all of these things are real human feelings and a recipe for disaster

 

[cubbyfire04]

These threads, and there's been so many of them, drive me crazy. You cannot 'get' someone to do something like this unless there is a desire there. To go along with others, it doesn't seem you're in the place for even the conversation.

Swinging, sharing is not what movies and erotica make it out to be. Sad fact is it fails more than it works out, and you end up in a divorce. Jealousy, insecurities, feelings of being pressured into it...all of these things are real human feelings and a recipe for disaster

Well said. My ex-wife and I we're in an open marriage. While it wasn't sex with other people that ultimately drove us apart, I think it was the fact that our terms of agreement led to many social missteps, stigma, and pressures - with even platonic friends - that was a catalyst for the disasters towards the end.

The discussion of an open marriage was only ever breached during an explosive argument. After only a weekend of discussion after cooling down, we both agreed to it. Horrible mistake. In hindsight, it was a last resort for both of us to stick a bandaid on an already dysfunctional marriage.

We lasted about two more years. And yes... It solved the sex problem. We never fought again, we seemed happy, but we both realized we had nothing more than a solid friendship bound together by kinky sex. We weren't emotional partners. We were sexual explorers comfortable enough to ask for weird shit in the bedroom but not to discuss and fulfill each other's emotional needs.

I've had the good fortune of finding many sexually open-minded partners. And if there's anything I've learned, it's that a woman will let you know if she NEEDS something in that regard. If she doesn't NEED (not want) an open relationship, you should strongly consider the how willing you are to sacrifice everything else in your marriage before bringing this up.

If she is willing, but doesn't need it in her life... It WILL fail. If she isn't willing and thinks you need it... I promise you do not want this on her conscience.

 

[BBW_T&A_Lover]

If I was your wife you'd be getting a swift kick to the balls and divorce papers.

 

[ursecrethusband]

Thank you all for your perspectives. I really do appreciate it and that it has made me stop and think over it deeply.
I don't think I would be making the right moves if it weren't for this post and your help.
I'd just like to add that although this post makes me seem like a dick that may have prompted @BBW_T&A_Lover to say that, it is too urgent to judge me for what I'd like to explore sexually. I think everyone should be able to explore their sexuality, men and women equally.
I think it could also be because people are different culturally. Where people are more reserved it is really not easy to talk about everything with your partner even though it may seem obvious that that's what you're supposed to do.

 

[cubbyfire04]

Thank you all for your perspectives. I really do appreciate it and that it has made me stop and think over it deeply.
I don't think I would be making the right moves if it weren't for this post and your help.
I'd just like to add that although this post makes me seem like a dick that may have prompted @BBW_T&A_Lover to say that, it is too urgent to judge me for what I'd like to explore sexually. I think everyone should be able to explore their sexuality, men and women equally.
I think it could also be because people are different culturally. Where people are more reserved it is really not easy to talk about everything with your partner even though it may seem obvious that that's what you're supposed to do.

You're not a dick for seeking ideas. And just because that would be BBWT&A's response, doesn't mean it will be your wife's. You're the only one who knows her. And you're the only one who knows how important it is to YOU to explore an open relationship. And it's a fair point. Open relationships are FAR more common than many people realize.

Like I mentioned earlier, this would likely fail eventually if it isn't something she NEEDS... Well, if you're unhappy because you NEED sex with other people in your life, it's better to get that out rather than cheat later and destroy your relationship.
You'd just better be damn sure it's worth risking the consequences of rejection. They could absolutely end your marriage. Immediately or years later in a slow grind.

You also better be sure you understand what's about to happen if she agrees to this...

This isn't about care-free fucking. It's an exercise in clear, honest, and forthright communication. You'd better have ground rules that are firm and adhered to with the utmost scrutiny. Be ready for uncomfortable and often graphic conversations. Understand that when you involve a person outside your marriage, there is now a third human being's heart, soul, and body that is now subject to consent and adhere your rules. There's also the aftermath of unintended and unpredictable consequences. Choose your words and your partners wisely. You can't un-fuck crazy.

 

[Magineer]

Hell's teeth. So much flak over the OP's use of 'get'. Can we not be a bit more sympathetic to the cause and consider that he intended 'encourage', 'induce' or 'draw'?

One pretty obvious strategy would be to ensure that social interaction happens to the maximum possible - something which would not have been too easy to arrange during the pandemic!

 

[Lady2020]

I tend to think women are more terroritorial than men want to think or believe.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I tend to think women are more terroritorial than men want to think or believe.

I would agree.

 

[SissySalina]

I really want an open relationship but I'm not sure how to
1. Bring up the topic with her - we did joke about it but it was just in a passing
2. How to make her comfortable doing it - she is an extrovert but sexually more of a monogamist (maybe)
3. How do I communicate what I want without getting a negative reaction to it? (Seems like it would be so easy if she wanted to fuck someone but I don't think that she thinks that about other guys maybe?)
4. How to slowly get to the point where we talk and have casual sex with other people freely without affecting our marriage.

Any advice(s) or personal experiences are welcome

Why do you want an open relationship, that is the first question? Maybe that is what you need to discuss with Her.

 

[Ian_and_Mia]

personal experiences are welcome

Ian's here. A few months ago, I discussed this with my closest friend. She has known about polyamory from me for a long time. That time she said, "It's so pity that you're polyamorous - and I'm not. You know how much I love you."
Then she described the "I'm not" topic. "When I'm in a relationship, and I meet a perfect guy - he's smart and handsome, and sexy - the first thing I think is, 'But I have my lovely one' - and all 'magic' around the new guy disappears at the moment."

I think it's the first thing you should discuss with your partner - whether she feels ready to love someone else IN PARALLEL with you.

 

[Bramblethorn]

These threads, and there's been so many of them, drive me crazy. You cannot 'get' someone to do something like this unless there is a desire there. To go along with others, it doesn't seem you're in the place for even the conversation.

Yeah, these threads sometimes feel like somebody asking for a video game unlock code. And I can sympathise, I used to think that if only I found just the right words, I could get the girl I had a crush on to feel the same way about me, yada yada.

But other people are other people, they have their own wants. If what they want is compatible with what I want, then using my words can help us figure that out and have fun. OTOH, if it's not compatible, the best words in the word aren't going to change that. If you're going into this conversation, there's a chance she will say no; if you're not prepared for that possibility, don't start the conversation.

I'd also echo everything @fire_breeze said about things to think about in advance. There are so many different ways to have an open relationship, anything from "don't ask, don't tell, don't sleep with anybody I know, don't sleep with the same person twice" to "your partners have to be my partners too". A lot of open/polyamorous relationships run into trouble because people had different expectations about what kind of relationship it'd be, and didn't talk that through.

Also worth thinking about the scenario "what if we open up, and then more people are interested in her than me?" or vice versa. I've seen a few relationships where a guy wanted to open things up, expecting he'd be the one getting all the action, and then it worked out the other way and he didn't handle it well. Don't be that guy.

Swinging, sharing is not what movies and erotica make it out to be. Sad fact is it fails more than it works out, and you end up in a divorce. Jealousy, insecurities, feelings of being pressured into it...all of these things are real human feelings and a recipe for disaster

I'm a bit less pessimistic about this. I've been in an open/polyamorous relationship for a couple of decades. My impression is that there are a lot of people living quiet low-drama non-monogamous relationships that are mostly beneath the radar - most of my friends and workmates have no idea we're poly - and that the ones that are most likely to catch fire and explode are the more visible ones.

But even as somebody who has had it work out for them, I'd say it's a lot of work and mostly not nearly as glamorous as the stories might make it look. I've spent less time having threesomes than I have looking at calendars trying to figure out when we can actually make time together.

I'd also say that in my experience, a lot of people simply aren't emotionally wired for it. Not everybody gets a jealousy reaction at the thought of their partner being with somebody else - I don't - and for some people it can be unlearned, but for some it seems to be pretty deeply hardwired. I knew a guy who'd read a heap of stuff about polyamory, could give all sorts of logical arguments for why it made sense... but every time his girlfriend was with somebody else, you could see it was eating him up inside, and he'd do things to sabotage those relationships. If the guy is telling you or your partner "no", then no amount of reasoning is likely to make it work.

So, think about it first, read up on it, figure out what kind of open relationship you're after ("I'm not sure about this part, might have to figure it out as we go" is sometimes a valid answer but needs to be communicated carefully) and then, if you're still feeling comfortable with the idea and you have a decent idea what you want, use your words.

You can ease into the conversation gradually - perhaps start with it as a fantasy scenario in bed, and then if that goes well say afterwards "what would you think about doing that for real?" But no matter how well you handle it, there's a possibility that she's just not into it. In that case you need to take a no for a no and move on.

Well said. My ex-wife and I we're in an open marriage. While it wasn't sex with other people that ultimately drove us apart, I think it was the fact that our terms of agreement led to many social missteps, stigma, and pressures - with even platonic friends - that was a catalyst for the disasters towards the end.

The discussion of an open marriage was only ever breached during an explosive argument. After only a weekend of discussion after cooling down, we both agreed to it. Horrible mistake. In hindsight, it was a last resort for both of us to stick a bandaid on an already dysfunctional marriage.

Yeah, this is one of the things that gives polyamory/open an undeserved bad name. It's kind of like the people who try to cure their cancer with meditation or yoga, then finally show up at the hospital when they're dying and complain that the doctors failed them. Some poly groups call it "relationship broken, add more people".

IME, if you're not working as a couple, you're not going to work as an open relationship. Making an open relationship work takes most of the same things as making a monogamous relationship work - generosity, communication, understanding, etc. etc.

The ONLY time I've seen opening a relationship work as a solution for problems in a monogamous relationship was when the couple are otherwise strong, but have incompatible sexual needs - one BDSM the other vanilla, one asexual the other not, that kind of thing. Even there it's hard work.

 

[ursecrethusband]

@Bramblethorn @SissySalina @Ian_and_Mia guys thank you so much for your insights.
I appreciate everything that you tell me and I am really thankful to you guys for giving me more perspective.
I definitely only want it if my partner is happy with it too. It might be difficult, may not work or we may never actually go ahead with it. But I think at some point having a discussion would be nice to know each other's wants and needs and desires better.
Thank you guys for understanding me and your suggestions and experiences are surely guiding me towards what I believe is the right way to go about it

 

[Wonderer67]

Best of luck. If my partner (boyfriend/husband, etc.) asked me to go poly, our relationship would be over and he would be left free to find as many someones as he requires for fulfillment.

Now if he talked about it as a fantasy of his, I'd happily discuss every possible scenario he could think of, as classy or nasty as he wished, and we'd have boatloads of orgams together as a couple. Simple.

So funny - this just happened with my wife tonght. I’ve been talking to her about bringing a 3rd person (male or female) just for fun. We had “the talk.”

She is super monogamous, so she said flat out, “fantasy is great and I fantasize with you and for you, but I will NEVER allow you to have an affair or have a third person into our relationship in any way.” (Paraphrased)

Bummed, but it’s always good to talk and we have a great relationship and great sex life. Still, a bit of a bummer as I thought she may be open it and sounded like she may was.

 

[Wonderer67]

Thanks jade. We’ve spoken about it several times but this discussion (sadly) seemed to be a final one about it.

Can’t get everything you want and super strong communication is critical. Don’t love the outcome, but you can’t always get what you want….

“But if you try sometime,
You get what you need.”

 

[curiouschattycouple]

As above: Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Simulate! Good fun. Find out what turns you on, and maybe what parts of it turn her on. If it doesn't, it's over. If it does turn her on, it doesn't mean she will do it. But now you have some more talking.

There's about 10 things that have to line up for us to take that last step into a MFM. The chances of that are completely impossible. But now we know. And we are good with that and have fun all the same.

 

[Dcoppered270]

First things, first: You don't "Get" anyone into an open relationship. That's not how it works if you do it right.

Secondly, if your relationship is not at the point of comfort, openness, and confidence with each other that you feel you could discuss this with her without her taking it the wrong way, the two of you are not in a good emotional position to pursue this. It will absolutely affect your marriage and you'll have issues.

Open marriages and open sexual situations are a way for couples/people to strengthen an already strong marriage or relationship. It works (and works well) when you two have a great marriage and you're both looking to expand your experiences and and help each other find a variety of physical pleasure.

I won't tell you what to do because I don't know you but I can highly recommend that as you're describing your goals above, you two probably aren't ready and she'll take the conversation as a show that you're dissatisfied or unhappy in your relationship.

Excellent response davion. I think your experience and wisdom would be valuable to my query. Please chime in if you have any suggestions.

 

[magic_rat]

I think everyone should be able to explore their sexuality, men and women equally.

This is true. But that does not mean they can impose their fantasies on anyone else. And if you're in a committed relationship, you gave up that freedom when you put a ring on her finger.

I was lucky enough to be married to a woman who enjoyed an open relationship, got off on being a shared wife, fucked a lot of guys (and a few women)... until she stopped. I didn't try to persuade her otherwise. It wasn't her thing any more. That's life.