How Do You Keep Your Conscience Clean?

[lanceGibs]

I won't add to the many posts above about mental health issues as they're far better than anything I can say. All I can say as someone who has also struggled with mental health issues is: it's tough. I get it. I feel for you.

As for the creative process, for me personally it's about knowing human nature. Without getting into detail, I've come across a few people in my life who I respect, and who I wouldn't want to admit to writing erotica to. But I know for sure that those same people have watched hardcore porn videos that I would consider perverted or weird. I try not to judge them, knowing that I don't want them to judge me. If I think about myself negatively, and whether my behaviour is perverted or weird, I remind myself that almost everyone has a sexual side and we should be accepting of that, not negative about it.

One person writes the story but thousands (hopefully) of people read it. Given that ratio, who has any right to say anything about your purity as the writer?

Key words being "Purity of the writer"
Appreciated

 

[HordHolm]

I look at it this way:

Most days I have to travel to meetings or to give lessons. I am in a European capital so I have the luxury of a rapid transit metro system. This means I travel surrounded by hundreds of strangers. I find it an inspiration, to a certain extent. I try to imagine these strangers. What is going on in their heads? And more relevantly, what paraphiliae are rattling around in their heads? The guy in the suit likes to be peed on, the girl on her way to a university lecture has a thing for flowers, the old woman reading the pulp novel methodically worked her way through her (dead) husband's friends, and he never knew... Is any of this true? *Shrugs* I don't know. But maybe it is. Everyone is prone to this, and everyone you see in the shop or the metro or the doctor's waiting room is a dirty perv, just like you or me. Or maybe they're not, maybe they're pure and saintly. But I doubt it.

 

[AchtungNight]

Concentrate on the good feedback you get and remind yourself people enjoy your work. They are the audience for whom you write- not the haters. Do you enjoy writing? If so, keep at it. If you have other things in life on which you’d rather concentrate, though, there’s no shame in taking a break to address them. Good luck.

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

Let me put that in perspective:

Last year, I worked on a case where parents literally dipped their toddler's feet into boiling oil, as punishment for filling the third diaper that day. All the while, you... have been writing erotica.

I might not particularly agree with the themes you employ in your writing, but you're not hurting anyone. You're not making the world a bad place. After talking with dozens of psychologists over the years who specialize in this, I thoroughly disagree with all the politicians who claim that stories, movies, and games turn people into violent psychopaths. So, instead, you may even claim that you make the world a little better by allowing readers to enjoy themselves with your stories.

There's a reason why prostitution is "the oldest trade in the world". There's no need to keep anything "pure".

 

[Rustyoznail]

I have no real answers, but look at what the mainstream media is putting out for general consumption in prime TV watching time. How do your stories compare with them, and the potential effect on the audience?

 

[StillStunned]

I've mentioned before that if writers really had the ability to influence people and their actions, we'd all be millionaire celebrities. Since we're not, it's safe to say that our writings don't really have the power to change the world, either for good or for bad.

It's humbling, but it's also comforting.

 

[oneagainst]

I'm having A LOT of mental health issues in the beginning of this year. Every single day, there's voices in my head/people calling me a pervert and a loser and essentially saying that I should stop. Ignore the form of that, I already have a therapist: the point is the content of their statements. How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves? Because that's how I feel right now. I might erase all of my work and keep it to myself from now on, simply because I don't want this to be some kind of warning in which I'm about to get in trouble for what I've published here in some way, shape, or form. I also do not want the off-chance that my stories would negatively effect real people to play out in reality. All of my eroticization of real life comes from love, inspiration, and passion and I don't agree with the voices that this creative process amounts to quote-unquote "sexualizing someone without their consent." I just don't think you need consent to be erotically inspired by someone. However, I'm aware that many people are simply at odds with me in general, because it comes from me. I've been through too many issues like this to be naive about the potential backlash I could receive. So please, how do you keep your creative process pure even though it's of a sexual nature?

Wow. This brought something back that I wasn't looking for on a Tuesday. First, having read some of your prose, sorry, having luxuriated in it, I don't think you should stop. Second, there are ways and means for people (like I do) to keep everything locked up tight in a bubble that would need some pretty serious resources to crack open. I'm also actually risking real life consequences posting here, maybe I understand what you mean.

But I do, and that's the thing. I was in a pretty bad spot, end of Covid, with a lot of life pressures and family issues and general existential questions. Putting out that very first story here saved me from that, once I'd weighed the shame of doing this versus the benefit I was getting from setting off on imaginary adventures in here.

This place is *vast*, you can write your entire life and never get to all of it, but that's the medicine. I worked through stuff that has been tying me in knots for *decades* by putting it down in a story, coming up to a million and a half words in 2 years to exorcise it all.... Some of my stuff might be crazytown, but it worked. I feel a lot better now about it all.

The comments can be toxic, but I looked at the reasons why and decided that there are people struggling a lot more that I ever was, and while I didn't find sympathy for some of the comments, I found understanding of the person that wrote them.

Some of my stories aren't what I'd write now. Would I be better off deleting them? No. They're the breadcrumbs through while I threaded a path through the wilderness. Re-reading is a chance to see the distance travelled since that first step.

We do affect people with what we write. Sometimes painfully, sometimes trivially, sometimes giving exactly the thing that they were struggling with the means to click into place. At the least, we are a waste of fifteen minutes of someone's idle Tuesday. At the most, we are engines of change. As long as we honour the characters we create and we strive to be better with each story, I think that's good enough.

 

[EmilyMiller]

How Do You Keep Your Conscience Clean?​

I’ve struggled with mental health issues at several points in my life. I’m not sure you ever get over them, you - hopefully - learn to live with things that have caused such feelings, even if it is just yourself. It helped me to be told I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t strange for struggling, that lots of people do.


Echoing others. I made the mistake of not seeking help. It was years before I spoke to a professional. That was probably the biggest part in beginning to see some light (not getting better, doing better). I’m glad you have a therapist. I was very lucky to find a good one.

The idea that sex is a perversion is a control mechanism created by people who want you to do only what they think is right. They know nothing. IRL any form of consensual sex (minors can’t give consent) is wonderful and life affirming. It’s one of the greatest gifts we can give each other and ourselves. Masturbation is also a gift. And something done through the animal world. It’s natural.

Writing seems to be a double-edged sword for you. An outlet, but also something you sometimes feel shame about. I identify with the former, I use my stories to work through all sorts of personal issues (generally, but not always, in disguise).

On shame. We are all human. We are all cut from the same cloth. We all have desires. I think sometimes those who call desires dirty are trying to pretend they are different. They are not. We are all mixtures of light and darkness. Writing should reflect that spectrum.

You are worthwhile. You have something to say. I might not always agree with what others say. But I believe that saying something is valuable to the writer and to the reader; even if it is only a handful of readers. Reaching out and touching other humans is divine (and I’m an atheist).

By all means talk to people here. But keep talking to your therapist.



Emily

PS @Cagivagurl is one of the most delightful, non-judgemental, and kind people here. If they have offered to talk, I’d recommend that.

 

[AchtungNight]

It may help that my inner therapist is content to talk out my fantasies with me without being judgmental. Or maybe it’s a sign that I’m even more disturbed.

 

[alohadave]

It may help that my inner therapist is content to talk out my fantasies with me without being judgmental. Or maybe it’s a sign that I’m even more disturbed.

Sometimes just being able to say things out loud helps. I do a lot of angry, frustrated rants alone in the car while driving.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

MM - I would first echo what others have said - keep going to therapy (and congratulations for having the courage to take that most difficult step! It's hard, I know, but it's the only way out of the forest). And, if things get too bleak, do indeed call your local mental health hotline immediately. Please.

That said, if I understand the problem correctly, your problem is not all that unusual. This society has for a thousand years taught our children that 1) sex is dirty and bad and 2) we should save it for our one true love. How sad. How irrational.

How foolish.

Yes, sex can indeed be dirty and harmful, but so can anything else. Sex is a natural gift - done properly, a wonderful, liberating, beautiful thing. I cannot think of anything more loving than gifting one's partner with that loving, ultimate pleasure.

As for sending somebody off the rails, people are indeed weird. A book of animal husbandry might set off the 'right' sort of individual, but is that the author's fault? Hardly. I think it foolish to refuse to make bread because there's somebody on the street who has a gluten problem. Misquoting Hemingway, a moral act is one that leaves everybody feeling good about themselves. Provided that what you are crafting involves adults and has everybody happy at the end, how can it be wrong?

But this is not the place to convince you, MM, to solve that basic problem. Do keep seeing your therapist and good luck to you. PM if you wish.

 

[AG31]

Someday one of these numbers might be of help. Make a note.

After dialing 1-800-273-8255, you will hear the following automated message: "You have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, also servicing the Veterans service line. If you are in emotional distress or suicidal crisis or are concerned about someone who might be, we're here to help.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline​

We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.

 

[Blind_Justice]

Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. Sexual thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. Art born from sexual thoughts is nothing to be ashamed of. Fuck, look at all that renaissance art and tell me how those world-renowned artists weren't a bunch of fucking horn dogs for drawing so many dicks and boobs while the church watched on! Also, and to quote a pastor friend of mine: "God is all about love. Having sex is the most loving thing two or more consenting people can do. It's those damn priests who are fucking things up for everyone with their stupid arbitrary rules!" All those extremists in the Bible Belt? They got the Bible wrong. There is no commandment like "Thou Shalt Not Listen to Cardi B." or "Thou Shalt Not Watch Porn." The whole purity/celibacy/abstinence thing? That was meant for the priesthood as they, as representatives of God, should aspire to a higher standard than the average believer. But considering how few fucks the priesthood gave, why should any believer try and hammer themselves over the head with guilt for being a little lusty? As long as all involved are okay with being involved, there is nothing in the Bible saying "you are a filthy sinner for enjoying being bound, flogged and pleasured with three dildos at once."

You are not a loser. You are channeling your fantasies, your desires in a healthy, creative manner and people seem to like what you're writing, going by the amount of favorites the three random stories I clicked have. (I'm jealous, damn you!). I have it on good authority from two separate shrinks that writing sex stories is among the healthier ways to deal with sexual needs.

Much safer anyway than what a friend of mine did recently - she had long harbored some rape victim fantasies and after hooking up with a stranger on the internet, she went out, alone, to an out-of-the-way meeting spot. Thankfully she told me about her stupid idea beforehand and I went there too, just to see a van roll up to her and two shady-as-fuck looking dudes hopping out, heading straight for the blind woman waiting for her Prince Not-So-Charming. Just to be safe I stepped in and asked her if her date had showed up, only for the two men to turn tail and hop back into their van and drive off, smoking-tires like.

She's been mad at me ever since for screwing up her so-called play date, but then, her ominous contact never got in touch again. God knows what could have happened if she had gone with those dudes.

 

[u1u1u1]

Your head is always going to find things to criticise you for. The first thing is recognising your thoughts as thoughts. There are two schools of thought I know of for helping defuse their power:

1) look for reasons why the thoughts are wrong, either factually or morally. What would you say to a friend who said they felt like a pervert? Probably something like “it’s fine as long as you aren’t hurting anyone without their consent”.

2) notice the thoughts, thank your brain for bringing them to your attention, then carry on anyway. It’s the equivalent of resisting temptation, or powering on when exercise is starting to wear you out, except with your thoughts.

You can, of course, try them both together, or use them differently at different times. But if it isn’t erotica then it will be something else - your mind will find ways to put you down.

 

[Comshaw]

I'm having A LOT of mental health issues in the beginning of this year.

If that is the case and it is affecting your mental/emotional well-being, you may want to step away from erotic writing not because it is the cause of the problem, but an irritant to it and a detriment to your healing and well-being.

How do you all avoid feeling like a loser pervert who's creepy and no one likes and should just delete themselves?

I could detail my history and point out why I am familiar with this feeling, but I won't now. For me, it's a matter of clarity. By that I mean I take a long hard, truthful look at myself, the situation and the others who might think this. Am I doing someone harm by writing what I do? Is it really anyone else's business? What are the motivations of those telling me I'm a pervert? Those are some of the key questions I ask myself. If it turns out I'm not harming anyone, that it's really no one else's business but my own, that the motivations of the critics are self-serving and not as saintly as they would have me believe, then I smile and go my own way.

...I don't want this to be some kind of warning in which I'm about to get in trouble for what I've published here in some way, shape, or form.

Unless you are publishing real names, unless you are publishing stuff that is illegal (which because of the requirements of the site I doubt), unless you are sure those who you are using as your erotic model read your works, I don't see how you could get in trouble. Yes someone COULD stumble onto the stories, but what's the odds of that? They are long odds, about the same as getting hit by a meteor.


Ultimately it's how you feel about it. Even if no one will ever find your work, if it's going to eat at you, maybe it is time to step away from it for your own sake.


Comshaw