Formatting internal monologue in 2nd person.

[threeinthenet]

Hey, everyone,

I'm currently in the process of revising the first draft of my very first story that I plan to submit to literotica! The story is written with second person perspective in the present tense and I'm using a very specific format to try to make it clear when the character (you) is thinking something.

For instance, there are plenty of instances of text that go something like this:

She leans back on the bed and spreads her legs wide. She beckons to you. Is this really happening? You take a deep breath as you lose yourself in her eyes.

I like the way that this reads. I think that it is intuitive and easy for the reader to understand what the italics are used for.

I'm running into a few hiccups formatting some other elements alongside it and I was hoping I could get your opinion on what works, what doesn't work, and what you would do (what's the proper way to do it?)

Another example:

Her youthful green eyes glimmer in the dim light of the room. I need you. They plead.

I can't decide if this makes sense. I want to give the impression that the character's eyes are sending a message to you. I'm wary of using italics because I don't want the reader to get confused and think that this is an internal monologue (I'm also worried that this will diminish the impact and clarity of the italics when used on an inner monologue later on). I'm also wary of putting it in quotations because I don't want to give the impression that the character is speaking those words to you. Do I just need to make sure the context surrounding the passage makes it clear as possilbe?

One more example:

Her smile betrays her every thought. You know exactly what she is thinking in this moment as you admire her eager pose. Hurry up and take me. You allow a moment to pass, just one, before you give in to her pleas.

This one is similar to the previous example, but I think there's a little bit more nuance. It's another example of body language sending a message to the perspective character, but this time I'm trying to convey that the message is explicitly the inner monologue of a non perspective character (as the perspective character perceives it to be).


So, what do you think? Is the context clear enough to be understood what the formatting is used for? Should I explore another way of presenting these ideas to the reader? I'm very interested in your thoughts because I want to edit and revise this story until it is perfect and there are no weird hang-ups that make it less enjoyable than it should be.

 

[SimonDoom]

Ditch the italics. You don't need them. Write in a free indirect style.

Example 1: Italics are unnecessary. They don't add anything.

Example 2: This is not an example of internal dialogue, because "I need you" does not represent what the POV character is thinking. How does the POV character know she's thinking "I need you?" There's no way to know that. I would write it as:

She needs you. No italics. Get rid of "They plead." Or

They plead, "I need you."

Example 3 also is not an example of interior monologue, because it's not from the POV character's POV. The POV character does not actually know what other character is thinking; he's just interpreting what she's doing.

I would write it as " She wants you to hurry up and take her."

 

[XerXesXu]

I like the way that this reads. I think that it is intuitive and easy for the reader to understand what the italics are used for.

I'm running into a few hiccups formatting some other elements alongside it and I was hoping I could get your opinion on what works, what doesn't work, and what you would do (what's the proper way to do it?)

You can use italics for the internal dialogue, for 'Your' thoughts, but you’ll need to format it correctly for Lit. To describe what her 'actions which speak louder than words’ say, enclose the words in inverted commas. In either case, do it a little more artfully.

"She leans back on the bed and spreads her legs wide. She beckons to you. You take a deep breath - Is this really happening? - as you lose yourself in her eyes."

"Her youthful, glimmering green eyes plead, ‘I need you’, in the dim light of the room."

"Her smile betrays her every thought. ‘Hurry up and take me.’ You know exactly what she is thinking in this moment as you admire her inviting pose."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Not that you asked, but be aware that second person narratives tend to get a lukewarm reception here.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

While you can use 2nd person for stories, 2pov is usually used for technical manuals where you have a large audience that will be reading them in order to understand what's going on inside the machine, like most computer manuals.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

While you can use 2nd person for stories, 2pov is usually used for technical manuals where you have a large audience that will be reading them in order to understand what's going on inside the machine, like most computer manuals.

Or choose your own adventure (CYOA)

 

[Voboy]

Not that you asked, but be aware that second person narratives tend to get a lukewarm reception here.

This.

JMO, but if you want your story to read smoothly, I'd suggest something other than second person. Lol. With that said, italics are my go-to when doing internal monologue, most of the time. Though I largely write in FP.