Feedback request on first story

[Brielle_Fox]

Hi all,

I'm new to Literotica and writing erotica. Would anyone be willing to give me feedback on my first story? https://www.literotica.com/s/the-masterpiece-3

I originally posted this in Author's Hangout. Someone suggested I repost here. I completely overlooked this channel the first time!

Brielle Fox

 

[yowser]

An elegant, short, intense tale, I don't think you need much feedback.

The descriptions are vivid and sensual, and in the shortest of time you have drawn a picture, drawn the reader in, clicked them into their seatbelt and taken them off for a ride. Far better than all but the best erotica here on the site.

Your hints at the pair's motivations and excitements are marvelous, shorthand to what could be a much longer narrative.

You hover right at the edge of over-the-top, but keep the words restrained enough to make it all work. I like how you use verbs to create the feelings and tension, and not overdo the adjectives.

Here's a wonderful example, generating a visual with careful, controlled phrasing, that says so much with such little (apparent) effort:

'She threaded her fingers through his dark curls'

My only suggestion, and really you don't need it, is to keep in mind the restraint you employ here, it would be so easy to go overboard. If you can apply this same sort of treatment to character development, you will have a splendid writing career wherever you go. And, I hope, that includes far more offerings here, for us.

Lovely.

 

[Brielle_Fox]

An elegant, short, intense tale, I don't think you need much feedback.

The descriptions are vivid and sensual, and in the shortest of time you have drawn a picture, drawn the reader in, clicked them into their seatbelt and taken them off for a ride. Far better than all but the best erotica here on the site.

Your hints at the pair's motivations and excitements are marvelous, shorthand to what could be a much longer narrative.

You hover right at the edge of over-the-top, but keep the words restrained enough to make it all work. I like how you use verbs to create the feelings and tension, and not overdo the adjectives.

Here's a wonderful example, generating a visual with careful, controlled phrasing, that says so much with such little (apparent) effort:

'She threaded her fingers through his dark curls'

My only suggestion, and really you don't need it, is to keep in mind the restraint you employ here, it would be so easy to go overboard. If you can apply this same sort of treatment to character development, you will have a splendid writing career wherever you go. And, I hope, that includes far more offerings here, for us.

Lovely.

Thank you so much, yowser! That's very encouraging!

 

[the_single_gal_unconfidential]

Hi all,

I'm new to Literotica and writing erotica. Would anyone be willing to give me feedback on my first story? https://www.literotica.com/s/the-masterpiece-3

I originally posted this in Author's Hangout. Someone suggested I repost here. I completely overlooked this channel the first time!

Brielle Fox

I'm sorta wondering the same thing - do you guys like it when we tell it from start to finish -

or do you just like the porn part?

 

[Mastered_again]

I'm sorta wondering the same thing - do you guys like it when we tell it from start to finish -

or do you just like the porn part?

Start to finish for me, but that's the way I write too. Give me characters and a reason to care about them (especially when it's not the porn ).

We met. We fucked. The end. Leaves me cold.

However, I'm sure there are plenty of readers who are here just for the wank.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm sorta wondering the same thing - do you guys like it when we tell it from start to finish -

or do you just like the porn part?

It depends on the story. This one certainly I don't think wouldn't have been improved by 4k+ words detailing where he went to art college and how she was struggling to pay the rent and saw an advert to be an artist model, blah, blah, blah. It's all about the sensuality and, on that basis, it works very well.

Other stories and other writers will often tell a more structured narrative. Personally, I like an original scenario and good characters. That said not 'everything' needs to be in the story - I personally like arranging a story around maybe three to five critical events or scenes.

 

[Nylonian]

It depends on the story. This one certainly I don't think wouldn't have been improved by 4k+ words detailing where he went to art college and how she was struggling to pay the rent and saw an advert to be an artist model, blah, blah, blah. It's all about the sensuality and, on that basis, it works very well.

Other stories and other writers will often tell a more structured narrative. Personally, I like an original scenario and good characters. That said not 'everything' needs to be in the story - I personally like arranging a story around maybe three to five critical events or scenes.

Good point actually. I am starting to find that too much unnecessary detail gets in the way and trying to hone in on what I am trying to tell instead of being overly verbose.