What are you looking for in.....

Your relationship. Or maybe a better question is. What do you get out of your relationship?? ( I apologize is this question has been asked before.)


I'm just trying to get some answers. As many of you know, I am tapping into this side of my personality. I have discovered that I do have Dom characteristics, and I've grown so much in my understanding of the lifestyle. Originally I thought it was just "chains and whips", but never knew the extent of the relationship. The caring, the bonding, the complete trust and respect. The mutual admiration and sharing of oneself. I'm understanding how communication and trust are two valueable keys.


Caring for and wanting to help the Sub be all that they can be by pushing them to heights that they may not reach on thier own. Stimulates and motivates me to be the best I can be for myself, as well as for them. Intimacy in a non sexual way also has it's reward. It's the overall feeling of the good relationship that has me yearning to fully experience this. Does this make sense to anyone?? Tell me please???


kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

I hope I read your post correctly.

Anywho ... I'll take a stab at answering what I think you have asked. The only way I can do this is speak from personal experience of my own relationship.


Robuck and I have been married since Sept 1977. I suppose we thought ourselves a typical married couple, but rarely argued with each other. To cut this short (you don't want a 2000 word essay do you?), we discovered BDSM a couple of months ago.

I realised that I was a submissive.
I tentatively pointed out some sites to my hubby. We started exploring together. We thought we would try and get more into the life style than we had been previously (we had done bondage type sex for years).

Since fully embracing the lifestyle our relationship has moved to a new, deeper level. We are much more open to and honest with each other. I have found that I am more able to share my feelings with him safe in the knowledge that he will help me work them through. That would, I am sure, have happened before, but now I know it will.

(Hmmmm I am not explaining this very well!)

We have become closer; more loving; more demonstrative, as it were.


Any help?

hope i'm understanding this.....

when i first started learning about BDSM, i thought it was alot of sensations, combined with sex (intercourse)... i'm slowly coming to the realization that that's not it...
The first few times i played with my Dom, there was no intercourse at all.. actually, he never got undressed... did i feel fulfilled and satisfied at the end of the session... HELL YES!!
i never realized that i could feel so complete without intercourse, or even anything having to do with sex... it was all total sensation...
So, in my future relationships/ play sessions... sexual gratification by means of intercourse is not what i seek... sure, it adds alot to it, but to feel the warmth coming from my ass, after it's tasted the sting of the whip, or thud of the paddle is what takes me over the edge...
hope i answered correctly....

Thank You for answering Willow and Sierra.

There isn't a wrong answer. I am just interested in what others are getting out of the relationship.


I'm not sure if I worded the question right so I'll try again.



We tend to do things because we get some sort of gratification from them. So how does being in a Dom/ Sub relationship give you gratification?? What is it about your Dom/ Sub that keeps you with them?? How's that?? *wink* Did I do better that time?



kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

Re: Thank You for answering Willow and Sierra.

kgboot said:

There isn't a wrong answer. I am just interested in what others are getting out of the relationship.


I'm not sure if I worded the question right so I'll try again.



We tend to do things because we get some sort of gratification from them. So how does being in a Dom/ Sub relationship give you gratification?? What is it about your Dom/ Sub that keeps you with them?? How's that?? *wink* Did I do better that time?



kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

Click to expand...

well, for me, it is the sensations that i crave from him, and i believe for him, it is my total willingness to do what he asks of me...
unfortunately, he and i are on hiatus right now.. til he gets some personal things worked out, so, it will be awhile before i get to feel those sensations again...

Re: Thank You for answering Willow and Sierra.

kgboot said:

We tend to do things because we get some sort of gratification from them. So how does being in a Dom/ Sub relationship give you gratification?? What is it about your Dom/ Sub that keeps you with them??

Click to expand...

Being in a D/s relationship completes me as a person, as a sexual being, and as a woman.

I never felt whole in my single nilla relationship (that it happened to be my 21 year marrige is one of the god's crueler jokes, i think). I never felt that my needs were met, that they could be met in that relationship. I never felt...relaxed, even, as a sexual person.

In BDSM relationships, we know who we are. We are dominant or submissive or switch. We know how the power shifts around between us like a flexing living entity. We know about the sexual extremes and needs and places into which we haven't gone - yet. We know about edges and boundaries. We know how to communicate problems and issues.

We know who we are in BDSM relationships, open, real, and honest as we are.

Being a part of a D/s relationship completes me as a person. It's not a matter of choosing it; it's a matter of who i am.


(kgboot: there's a munch in Fairfield soon. Want to go? I think i'm going - and i don't know *anyone* from that area [which is why i'm going]. PM me...)

Re: Thank You for answering Willow and Sierra.

kgboot said:

There isn't a wrong answer. I am just interested in what others are getting out of the relationship.

I'm not sure if I worded the question right so I'll try again.

We tend to do things because we get some sort of gratification from them. So how does being in a Dom/ Sub relationship give you gratification?? What is it about your Dom/ Sub that keeps you with them?? How's that?? *wink* Did I do better that time?

kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

Click to expand...

I agree with you in that we do things because we get some sort of gratification from them. People rarely do anything unless, on some level, they get something from it. So, what do I get from my d/s relationship?

I get security and acceptance: I am well aware that I am a demanding partner who wants things her own way. I know that my partner will not get tired of being bossed around and leave *smiles*. I get respect: for my abilities, skills, efforts, knowledge, and intelligence. I get a safe haven: The world can be hostile and cruel place, especially for one who is sensitive to nuance in human interaction.

I get appreciation: for the work I do to improve both myself and my partner (and my child), whether that is research on a medical issue, planning and research on a financial issue, reading up on new or better psychological advances, self-analysis that keeps me aware of my motives, complacency level, and personal growth. And I get total honesty: about her feelings, fears, concerns, and where she is having difficulty. When I ask, "How are you, Honey," I will not hear, "fine," when I know something is wrong.

Can you get these things in a mainstream relationship? Perhaps, but I wasn't able to find it.

Caring for and wanting to help the Sub be all that they can be by pushing them to heights that they may not reach on thier own. Stimulates and motivates me to be the best I can be for myself, as well as for them. Intimacy in a non sexual way also has it's reward. It's the overall feeling of the good relationship that has me yearning to fully experience this. Does this make sense to anyone?? Tell me please???

Click to expand...

You have this exactly right, in my opinion, Kgboot. Living as a role model for my partner (and my child) challenges me to be the best "me" I can be. Knowing that my knowledge and experience is helping my partner become the best "her" she can be is immensely rewarding. I believe that I am a teacher and having someone always willing to learn what you need to teach is one of the best qualities you can find in a partner, because as "they" say, we teach what we need to learn. It is a win-win situation, for me.

I was always considered an "intense" person (especially in my female/male relationships). I do believe that I am intense, with strong needs for intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual), control, and power. In my opinion, people in bdsm relationships seem to have stronger needs in these areas than those in mainstream relationships do.

~tell me, was that tmi? *smiles*~

My ideal relationship would be to end up with a woman who likes to be a sub and a masochist now and then, so I can play with her when I get those urges.

Now I have to admit that if I find a woman who aren't into that, but that there is a real "spark" between us, then I do think I could live without the D/s part. But then again I might not be able to, who knows.

My ideas of....

....what go into a really fab relationship are not easily quantified, nor terribly interesting to this thread.

But generally, I have trouble with anything that is systematic...as I believe systems lead to labels, lead to canned behavior, lead to dissatisfaction, or simply shadow the chance of real pure high-grade intimacy from developing.

So, when I see people talking here about the depth of trust they've found in a long term BDSM relationship....I find myself thinking that it's perhaps not the BDSM that binds them....it's the commonality of interest, the place where they connect...a jumping off point. For some, it's tennis. Or bowling.

From this perspective, I see BDSM as normal.

Your original thread monologue was quite revealing, I thought....I heard you saying that you feel like you are ready for a real, truly intimate relationship.

From here, it sounded like you've recently realized that you are feeling like a man in full. (I haven't checked your profile, it's just how it sounds from here, now).

Cheers;
LC

Re: My ideas of....

Lancecastor said:

<snip>
So, when I see people talking here about the depth of trust they've found in a long term BDSM relationship....I find myself thinking that it's perhaps not the BDSM that binds them....it's the commonality of interest, the place where they connect...a jumping off point. For some, it's tennis. Or bowling.

From this perspective, I see BDSM as normal.

Click to expand...

Yessssss ... I think I see what you are saying (least I hope I have read it correctly ), but would like to add something.

Again, this is only taken from my own personal experience. Robuck and I started our relationship (and then married) as we shared a lot of common interests - reading; puzzles; history;Scouting etc. Since embracing the lifestyle together we, I feel, have an even closer relationship.

Since i do not have...

a D/s relationship, i can only offer what i seek in one and why i desire it.

i started learning about BDSM full force more than a year ago. i too thought it was nothing more than 'whips and chains and people into more pain than i ever thought possible', but a Dom friend once challenged me to read into BDSM, to learn what it truly was about. i did just that...i started reading...a lot...constantly. Reading and questioning both Doms and subs took up a vast amount of my time. In all of this, i found a peace within myself. i was able to say 'i identify with this or that' when i had never been able to do so in the mainstream or vanilla world. i became fascinated with the devotion and honor...the trust and the bonds that went beyond any in a relationship i had ever previously experienced. There was an openness in sexuality, an acceptance of real people with real bodies, with real emotions, with real needs. There was protection, possession, and a claiming...a connection that was so deep between two people that i had never imagined existed outside the storybooks. A perfect completion of souls at that moment in time. There was a guiding hand to teach and strength to shelter and a need for some to serve and in which came freedom of self and a need for others to Dominate in which also came a freedom of self. I was and still am completely fascinated by it all, even though there are parts of BDSM that are not for me.

As for what i seek in the relationship, should i ever find it...my signature on here, gives a brief description.

belle

Re: Since i do not have...

spankableBelle said:

In all of this, i found a peace within myself. i was able to say 'i identify with this or that' when i had never been able to do so in the mainstream or vanilla world. i became fascinated with the devotion and honor...the trust and the bonds that went beyond any in a relationship i had ever previously experienced. There was an openness in sexuality, an acceptance of real people with real bodies, with real emotions, with real needs. There was protection, possession, and a claiming...a connection that was so deep between two people that i had never imagined existed outside the storybooks. A perfect completion of souls at that moment in time. There was a guiding hand to teach and strength to shelter and a need for some to serve and in which came freedom of self and a need for others to Dominate in which also came a freedom of self. I was and still am completely fascinated by it all, even though there are parts of BDSM that are not for me.

As for what i seek in the relationship, should i ever find it...my signature on here, gives a brief description.

belle

Click to expand...

Beautifully expressed, Belle, and I agree.

Re: Since i do not have...

spankableBelle said:

a D/s relationship, i can only offer what i seek in one and why i desire it.

i started learning about BDSM full force more than a year ago. i too thought it was nothing more than 'whips and chains and people into more pain than i ever thought possible', but a Dom friend once challenged me to read into BDSM, to learn what it truly was about. i did just that...i started reading...a lot...constantly. Reading and questioning both Doms and subs took up a vast amount of my time. In all of this, i found a peace within myself. i was able to say 'i identify with this or that' when i had never been able to do so in the mainstream or vanilla world. i became fascinated with the devotion and honor...the trust and the bonds that went beyond any in a relationship i had ever previously experienced. There was an openness in sexuality, an acceptance of real people with real bodies, with real emotions, with real needs. There was protection, possession, and a claiming...a connection that was so deep between two people that i had never imagined existed outside the storybooks. A perfect completion of souls at that moment in time. There was a guiding hand to teach and strength to shelter and a need for some to serve and in which came freedom of self and a need for others to Dominate in which also came a freedom of self. I was and still am completely fascinated by it all, even though there are parts of BDSM that are not for me.

As for what i seek in the relationship, should i ever find it...my signature on here, gives a brief description.

belle

Click to expand...

One of the best posts I have ever read.Thanks

~P.S.~...and that DOES include your signature

Re: Re: Since i do not have...

artful said:

One of the best posts I have ever read.Thanks

~P.S.~...and that DOES include your signature

Click to expand...

Wow! Thank You! i am completely speechless that You would think that...i only spoke the truth, what is in my heart and soul. Your compliment brings tears to my eyes...

belle

Re: Re: Since i do not have...

MsWorthy said:

Beautifully expressed, Belle, and I agree.

Click to expand...

~smile~ That is another part of BDSM that i have found in the learning of the lifestyle...an understanding of expression, a true need and desire to be understood and to understand. There is such vulnerability, such nakedness in giving of oneself as well as in receiving such a gift that without that quest for connection and 'yes, i know exactly' sentiments, what is there but the average rather than the perfect completion of a soul, of a heart, of a body, of a mind?

Thank You, MsWorthy.

belle

Re: Re: Re: Since i do not have...

spankableBelle said:

Wow! Thank You! i am completely speechless that You would think that...i only spoke the truth, what is in my heart and soul. Your compliment brings tears to my eyes...

belle

Click to expand...

belle,...each of us, in our own way, seek the *TRUTH*. That's why I thought your post was one of the best I had ever read. I have read other posts that also had the ring of *truth*, and it is inspiring when one is able to recognise it.

Re: Re: My ideas of....

WillowPuss said:

Yessssss ... I think I see what you are saying (least I hope I have read it correctly ), but would like to add something.

Again, this is only taken from my own personal experience. Robuck and I started our relationship (and then married) as we shared a lot of common interests - reading; puzzles; history;Scouting etc. Since embracing the lifestyle together we, I feel, have an even closer relationship.

Click to expand...

Scouting huh? So how much of your initial interest was based on his knot tying ability?

KinkScouts!

MzChrista said:

Scouting huh? So how much of your initial interest was based on his knot tying ability?

Click to expand...

Hmmm....also puts a whole new spin on those scarves we wore in Scouts...the hand-carved staffs...being a "sixer"...and of course, eating brownies.

What it is and isn't

We met online 7 years ago. I was deeply enmeshed in the fantasy of BDSM, and came into the relationship expecting that fantasy to become reality. What actually happened is that reality became reality.

I stay in the relationship because I love him, and because of my commitment to him. What I get out of the relationship is complete and total acceptance. He knows every awful thought I've ever had, every filthy desire I've ever dreamed. As we've gone through humiliation play, he has seen me at my absolute worst and lowest points, and he loves me more than ever, and treasures our time together. I get the ability to lay down the reins when I get home. It's not always a fantasy, and I get pretty damned grumpy when I don't get my way (even though it's what I signed on for), but, it's just so fulfilling.

What does he get out of it? Daily blowjobs

K

Well, I finally did it. I could just cry.

I have been here since May, and have continously talked myself out of reading anything in this forum. I have been all over the place here, but avoided this. I dont know exactly why I looked in here, or why I chose THIS thread as my first to read, but oh man...I am so very glad I did.

I have sought information on this lifestyle/manner of "being' for quite awhile now, yet those I asked to discuss it with me never really answered my questions. This is an overwhelming amount of info here, and I was very frightened that somehow I might come across the wrong information/people (for me) and somehow be hurt, and worse off than ever. I have outran childhood rape for 30 years, and finally, in the last year, I am healing and exploring, and on one hell of a journey. I finally feel like a woman, so full of my sexuality, for the first time ever. Yet, I have never been able to be emotionally intimate with another, well, not to the degree I need to be. All in all, my relationships have lacked on every level, and I have such an emptiness inside that as much as I feel alive and vibrant and sensual...I feel dead, numb and cold.

I dont know why exactly, maybe its just little glimpses I have picked up on through reading posts in other forums here, but I have been drawn to this lifestyle because it does seem to speak to intimacy in the deepest levels, to a connection with another that is total. I am rather intense, complex, and very spiritual. I need this type of connection and trust and intimacy with another to ever truly give of myself to them. I have never known it, and began to feel as though I never will. Thats not like me at all, but it runs deep.....

Tonight, I have hope...a little tiny spark of hope. I have no idea what to do next, I have no idea where this will go...all I know is I am showing up. Willing...needing...and finally feeling a little peace.

Thank you so much. I will never be able to express all that this site has given me, has helped me with, and has seen me through.

intrigued

intrigued said:

Well, I finally did it. I could just cry.

Click to expand...

We have many good threads on the front page at this time. ONE of the best is the *sticky* thread
at the top of the Forum page. If you haven't read it yet,...please do,...some great info available there:

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=93088

Also,...there is a newbie introducuctory thread you MAY wish to post to:

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81549&pagenumber=1

Let me be one of the first to welcome you to the REAL BDSM Forum at Lit. Make yourself at home and enjoy.

intrigued said:

Well, I finally did it. I could just cry.

I have been here since May, and have continously talked myself out of reading anything in this forum. I have been all over the place here, but avoided this. I dont know exactly why I looked in here, or why I chose THIS thread as my first to read, but oh man...I am so very glad I did.

I have sought information on this lifestyle/manner of "being' for quite awhile now, yet those I asked to discuss it with me never really answered my questions. This is an overwhelming amount of info here, and I was very frightened that somehow I might come across the wrong information/people (for me) and somehow be hurt, and worse off than ever. I have outran childhood rape for 30 years, and finally, in the last year, I am healing and exploring, and on one hell of a journey. I finally feel like a woman, so full of my sexuality, for the first time ever. Yet, I have never been able to be emotionally intimate with another, well, not to the degree I need to be. All in all, my relationships have lacked on every level, and I have such an emptiness inside that as much as I feel alive and vibrant and sensual...I feel dead, numb and cold.

I dont know why exactly, maybe its just little glimpses I have picked up on through reading posts in other forums here, but I have been drawn to this lifestyle because it does seem to speak to intimacy in the deepest levels, to a connection with another that is total. I am rather intense, complex, and very spiritual. I need this type of connection and trust and intimacy with another to ever truly give of myself to them. I have never known it, and began to feel as though I never will. Thats not like me at all, but it runs deep.....

Tonight, I have hope...a little tiny spark of hope. I have no idea what to do next, I have no idea where this will go...all I know is I am showing up. Willing...needing...and finally feeling a little peace.

Thank you so much. I will never be able to express all that this site has given me, has helped me with, and has seen me through.

Click to expand...

Whoa boy. Damn thats some post. I dont know what to say except hi, glad you came in.

Re: intrigued

artful said:

We have many good threads on the front page at this time. ONE of the best is the *sticky* thread
at the top of the Forum page. If you haven't read it yet,...please do,...some great info available there:

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=93088

Also,...there is a newbie introducuctory thread you MAY wish to post to:

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81549&pagenumber=1

Let me be one of the first to welcome you to the REAL BDSM Forum at Lit. Make yourself at home and enjoy.

Click to expand...

Thank you very, very much. I really appreciate the links, and have been reading ever since I posted....I'm mesmerized. I am planning to post in the "new faces' thread, once I gather my thoughts.
Now that I'm in....I am committed. I will read everything I can find that is compelling, and sort my way through it, quite slowly. I do have alot on my mind regarding this.

Thanks very much, I am quite happy to finally be here.

MzChrista said:

Whoa boy. Damn thats some post. I dont know what to say except hi, glad you came in.

Click to expand...

Hello, MzChrista, and thank you, I appreciate that. I am quite happy I finally made my way here, it's rather timely. I appreciate your very warm welcome, thanks again.

intrigued said:

Hello, MzChrista, and thank you, I appreciate that. I am quite happy I finally made my way here, it's rather timely. I appreciate your very warm welcome, thanks again.

Click to expand...

Just remember I was nice to you when they start telling you to scared of me, OK?