willfulbrat
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How do you deal with jealousy when your Dominant plays with others?
How do you deal with jealousy?
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spankableBelle
His unruly kitten
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yikes! i'm the jealous type so i haven't dealt well at all with it in the past...i find that it hurts deeply, makes me feel as though i'm worthless as sub as though i am not enough, and for me it breaks a bond of trust...i pull in on myself, i distance myself emotionally...but i let Him know how i felt, and as it really didn't seem to matter, His playing continued, and i asked to be released...so, i don't handle it well...
And then, i write about it...
belle
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=72711
And then, i write about it...
belle
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=72711
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
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My dominant has a life partner, a relationship of worth and value in his life and one i had to fully accept before we ever touched each other.
Additionally, he's a bottom - and though he hasn't done anything at all on that end of things since we've become intimate with each, he will - eventually.
We talked about him playing with other subs and me playing with other dominants and we decided we didn't want that for either of us.
For me, at least now, there is no jealousy.
Additionally, he's a bottom - and though he hasn't done anything at all on that end of things since we've become intimate with each, he will - eventually.
We talked about him playing with other subs and me playing with other dominants and we decided we didn't want that for either of us.
For me, at least now, there is no jealousy.
Slinky'sWench
Really Really Experienced
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comunication.
I recently joined a dom who already has an established sub. I was worried about my playing beta to her alpha, but it turns out we have alot in common and share the same overwhelming desire to make him happy. I'm not very good at wording this so please bear with me..... it works well because we talk to each other about everything. She, as a more experienced sub knows exactly where I am in my own head and is a constant source of advice and encouragement. It works as we offer different things. Like I said, I'm not good at explaining myself....
let him know how you feel and understand that you are no less of a sub if you decide the situation doesn't work for you but the flip side of that is that if you do stick at it, jealousy over another sub (in my book anyway) is not a weakness aslong as you don't let it fester.
good luck. xxx
I recently joined a dom who already has an established sub. I was worried about my playing beta to her alpha, but it turns out we have alot in common and share the same overwhelming desire to make him happy. I'm not very good at wording this so please bear with me..... it works well because we talk to each other about everything. She, as a more experienced sub knows exactly where I am in my own head and is a constant source of advice and encouragement. It works as we offer different things. Like I said, I'm not good at explaining myself....
let him know how you feel and understand that you are no less of a sub if you decide the situation doesn't work for you but the flip side of that is that if you do stick at it, jealousy over another sub (in my book anyway) is not a weakness aslong as you don't let it fester.
good luck. xxx
willfulbrat
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SpankableBelle, the green-eyed monster has really got a hold on me, too. I asked to be released, but it really wasn't what i wanted, so W/we are back together again. I also wrote a story to help deal with one incidence which hurt me badly.
Cym, i'm glad jealousy isn't something you have to deal with right now. It's so detrimental to any relationship.
Slinky'sWench, communication is probably key. It's always been difficult for me. My communication efforts have failed so many times in the past i've mostly given up on trying. But i will try to hone my skills in that area.
This is really becoming a problem for me, to the point where i have nightmares about it. I absolutely hate this side of myself.
Cym, i'm glad jealousy isn't something you have to deal with right now. It's so detrimental to any relationship.
Slinky'sWench, communication is probably key. It's always been difficult for me. My communication efforts have failed so many times in the past i've mostly given up on trying. But i will try to hone my skills in that area.
This is really becoming a problem for me, to the point where i have nightmares about it. I absolutely hate this side of myself.
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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Another interesting issue which many have to deal with at some point....
bunny bondage
just cruisin' through
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i don't handle jealousy very well at all. the easy solution for me is to simply be with a man i trust implicitly and gives me no reason to be jealous. i'm not one of these crazy types who looks for signs of an affair, but nor am i naive enough to be cheated on unaware. (hey, that rhymed) i don't invent jealousy, but when i've got an actual reason to be jealous, i go completly bitchcakes.
ownedsubgal
lost little girl
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i don't become jealous when my Master uses another female...it's a physical thing, about getting physical desires fulfilled, and nothing more. doesn't mean he's fond of her or that she means anything to him. i'm the type to become jealous over more emotional things...if my Master were still close with his former slave for instance, that would make me extremely jealous, because i would know that she wouldn't be just a body with 3 holes and a submissive mind, but someone who he at one time had intense feelings for, and who no doubt still was dear to him in some way, for him to desire to have her in his life to such an extent. i wouldn't deal with a situation like that very well at all.
but simply playing with someone else....personally, i see nothing to get jealous about there.
but simply playing with someone else....personally, i see nothing to get jealous about there.
lilredwolph
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not well, but i have a bad habit of internalizing jealousy/hurt/anger towards Him. W/we'll go along fine for abit but then what i have internalized starts to eat away at me, and i become disobedient and stubborn, which is allowed for about 0.2 seconds than i am made to speak about what has made me behave this way, He handles it from there
dragonlace
a wolfs angel
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personally i try to talk about it before it begins to eat away at me...sometimes just asking and talking about it makes me feel better about it. Communication helps in most situations sometimes its something as small as just hearing it from His mouth that makes me feel better about it.
TigerClaw
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In general I am not jealous
the few times I did feel jealousy it turned out to be good cause and killed the relationship.
I agree with dragonlace that communication is the key. If there is no communication you have nothing. Communication and a relationship built on trust. If the trust is damaged or broken jealousy can be a demon between a couple.
What I have found out is I am possessive. Ive been told like liquor in moderation it is fine. If I didnt think that my SO was mine and I was hers I wouldnt care what she did. I wouldnt care about her. Just saying my SO is a form of possession.
My wife
My sub
My Dom
My SO
My (pet name)
the few times I did feel jealousy it turned out to be good cause and killed the relationship.
I agree with dragonlace that communication is the key. If there is no communication you have nothing. Communication and a relationship built on trust. If the trust is damaged or broken jealousy can be a demon between a couple.
What I have found out is I am possessive. Ive been told like liquor in moderation it is fine. If I didnt think that my SO was mine and I was hers I wouldnt care what she did. I wouldnt care about her. Just saying my SO is a form of possession.
My wife
My sub
My Dom
My SO
My (pet name)
FungiUg
Waves at Cats
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There are two circumstances under which I can imagine being jealous.
The first is when someone else (other than me) is monopolising all of the time of my lover, and I don't feel like I am getting to spend enough time with her. So yes, children, relatives, friends could fall into this category. In the several years we have been together, I've only noticed this a couple of times.
The second is if I found she was having an affair with someone other than me (affairs with me are fine) and hadn't told me of it. Well... maybe I would be more hurt that jealous. Disappointed, definately.
In both of those circumstances, the key for me is communication. Simply telling my lover I need to see more of her, more quality time with her alone. Or reminding her that playing away is fine, but the agreement is that we inform each other (although that second circumstance is only hypothetical.)
The first is when someone else (other than me) is monopolising all of the time of my lover, and I don't feel like I am getting to spend enough time with her. So yes, children, relatives, friends could fall into this category. In the several years we have been together, I've only noticed this a couple of times.
The second is if I found she was having an affair with someone other than me (affairs with me are fine) and hadn't told me of it. Well... maybe I would be more hurt that jealous. Disappointed, definately.
In both of those circumstances, the key for me is communication. Simply telling my lover I need to see more of her, more quality time with her alone. Or reminding her that playing away is fine, but the agreement is that we inform each other (although that second circumstance is only hypothetical.)
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catalina_francisco
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I'm not totally sure where I stand on this issue as I am becoming more aware every day for me it depends wholly on the circumstances and the people involved. I also do not see jealousy as a wholly bad thing and cannot understand the notion that anyone who is jealous is obviously emotionally unhealthy. I think it is another symptom of a disposable society which often feels easy come, easy go.
In a deep relationship, with commitment that is meant to extend beyond the here and now only, IMHO it is realistic to expect if one partner develops an attraction to, in particular an emotional attachment to another, that the SO is going to experience jealousy at the very least.
For me I need to know I am the only one for him and he for me in the ways that count. I unashamedly admit I could not handle being in a postion where I was expected to accept another in our life 24/7 who shared equal status with me in his emotional, physical, intellectual, psychological, and spiritual life. Most llikely I would shut down, find myself subconsciously numbing my emotions in an effort to survive and give him what he wanted. By doing that I would not be giving him as he wanted though as there would be a distance between us that may never be repairable. Basically I would become a shell of who I am, devoid of motivation, drifting, and no will to survive.
Catalina
In a deep relationship, with commitment that is meant to extend beyond the here and now only, IMHO it is realistic to expect if one partner develops an attraction to, in particular an emotional attachment to another, that the SO is going to experience jealousy at the very least.
For me I need to know I am the only one for him and he for me in the ways that count. I unashamedly admit I could not handle being in a postion where I was expected to accept another in our life 24/7 who shared equal status with me in his emotional, physical, intellectual, psychological, and spiritual life. Most llikely I would shut down, find myself subconsciously numbing my emotions in an effort to survive and give him what he wanted. By doing that I would not be giving him as he wanted though as there would be a distance between us that may never be repairable. Basically I would become a shell of who I am, devoid of motivation, drifting, and no will to survive.
Catalina
sunfox
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The problem here, I think, is that everyone has a different feeling about what provokes jealousy for them.
I'm very jealous, for example, and don't really like other women flirting with my guy, particularly in front of me. But I am a flirt by nature, and was previously involved with someone who took my flirting as cheating. My current SO isn't jealous of my flirting, even right in front of him, but if it went further than teasing words, it would make him jealous.
So, in my incoherent way, I think I'm saying, the trigger is different for everyone. Some people just aren't the types to get jealous, and others are constantly tormented by it. Most of us, I think, fall in the middle. There are situations, like Catalina listed, that would cause us pain and jealousy, but things that are less intimate wouldn't be nearly so painful.
I'm very jealous, for example, and don't really like other women flirting with my guy, particularly in front of me. But I am a flirt by nature, and was previously involved with someone who took my flirting as cheating. My current SO isn't jealous of my flirting, even right in front of him, but if it went further than teasing words, it would make him jealous.
So, in my incoherent way, I think I'm saying, the trigger is different for everyone. Some people just aren't the types to get jealous, and others are constantly tormented by it. Most of us, I think, fall in the middle. There are situations, like Catalina listed, that would cause us pain and jealousy, but things that are less intimate wouldn't be nearly so painful.
I'm finding as I age I don't have as much jealousy as I did when I was younger. For some reason I find that interesting. I think a certain amount of jealousy can be a healthy thing. I think what most people consider unhealthy is if an irrational behavior accompanies that jealousy or if some one becomes jealous over the most simple and innocent of thing. (My current partner's ex-wife was convinced he was having an affair at work, and got insanely jealous whenever he would even mention he had had a conversation with a woman he works with - even if it was in the context of maintaining a working relationship. That is irrational.)
I've been around when my partner has teased/flirted with other women and even given/received hugs from them. I know he is going home with me, so my feeling is such that I'm glad other women find him easy to get along with and fun to be with. It sort of reinforces that my decision to have him in my life is a good one.
I would hope if he feels the relationship we have is fulfilling that he would talk to me rather than having an affair or cheating. However, if he did do that, I think I would be more hurt than jealous. At least at first. I could imagine some jealous feelings being aroused once the initial pain fades.
I've been around when my partner has teased/flirted with other women and even given/received hugs from them. I know he is going home with me, so my feeling is such that I'm glad other women find him easy to get along with and fun to be with. It sort of reinforces that my decision to have him in my life is a good one.
I would hope if he feels the relationship we have is fulfilling that he would talk to me rather than having an affair or cheating. However, if he did do that, I think I would be more hurt than jealous. At least at first. I could imagine some jealous feelings being aroused once the initial pain fades.
Princessintrng
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It's Funny
I was just thinking about my SO and the conversation we had last week, and jealousy when I signed on and saw this thread. I was never a jealous person until I got involved with my current partner. Over the course of almost 6 years together we have split up several times over his little infractions. During the course of one of our longer splits, I decided to get into counseling and figure out why I kept getting with the kind of men who felt a need to cheat. Last Jan after maintaining a close friendship, we decided to try again. I explained that I had reached a place in my life where I felt I deserved better than to stay involved with a man who had to constantly be looking for something better, prettier, more accessable etc. In Sep we moved into seperate apartments and decided to start fresh (dating, having our own space, getting to know each other as a couple, instead of roommates and best friends). Well about mid Sep he tells me he needs space and doesn't have time for a relationship, but doesn't want to break up. I figure, some soul searching is a good thing and I agree to give him his space. Almost immediately he isn't coming home from work (he doesn't have a phone so I run back and forth between our two apartments several times a night to see if he's home yet) and when he is over at my house using the computer one girls name keeps coming up over and over and I discover he isn't coming home at night cause he is visiting her. (seems she is going through a divorce and needs a friend). Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I say okay, I have male friends and I can relate to wanting to be there for your friends. Then in Oct, he shows up at my door with a black eye and busted lip and informs me he was at her apartment talking to her and her soon to be X shows up and beats his ass. Of course I'm upset and then he tells me she is going to stay with him for a few days till the police pick him up. (he has a one bedroom apt and no couch) Well 2 days later I go by to drop his groceries off and she is there and I get a vicious "go to hell" look from her and realize there is alot he is failing to tell me. Finaly a few nights later we go out and talk and he says he didn't have sex with her, but he felt I was not giving him enough time and attention and it felt nice to be around her and have so much of her time and attention. I explain him telling me he needed space and didn't have time for a relationship is why I backed off to begin with. He says he is sorry for the misunderstanding I apologize for not being more available etc and we agree to work on the relationship. Several times when he brings her up over the next 2 months I say, "there is more to this, are you sure you didn't have sex with her" He assures me he didn't. Now last week he informs me that they didn't have sex, but she did perform oral sex on him and if he hadn't felt like there was nothing left between us he would not have allowed it to happen. Okay I realize if the President of the United States says oral sex is not sex, then my partner would find it easy to use that argument. But I am not really feeling jealous, more distrustful and very disappointed. 3-4 years ago I wasn't vocalizing and he didn't really know how I felt. But in the past year I have made it perfectly clear how I feel about cheating, be it physical or emotional. I feel he cheated by pushing me away to spend time with her every night after work and then by allowing her to provide him with oral sex. He wants to try and make it work and I am having a hard time accepting that the next time I am busy with my daughter or sick in bed with pnemonia and can't get over to see him, it will be yet another woman who seems to be more attentive. So all this long drawn out post is to ask the question, am I being unreasonable to think that it will happen again and continue to happen always with the reason being that I am not giving him what he wants and needs? Thanks for letting me rant here.....
I was just thinking about my SO and the conversation we had last week, and jealousy when I signed on and saw this thread. I was never a jealous person until I got involved with my current partner. Over the course of almost 6 years together we have split up several times over his little infractions. During the course of one of our longer splits, I decided to get into counseling and figure out why I kept getting with the kind of men who felt a need to cheat. Last Jan after maintaining a close friendship, we decided to try again. I explained that I had reached a place in my life where I felt I deserved better than to stay involved with a man who had to constantly be looking for something better, prettier, more accessable etc. In Sep we moved into seperate apartments and decided to start fresh (dating, having our own space, getting to know each other as a couple, instead of roommates and best friends). Well about mid Sep he tells me he needs space and doesn't have time for a relationship, but doesn't want to break up. I figure, some soul searching is a good thing and I agree to give him his space. Almost immediately he isn't coming home from work (he doesn't have a phone so I run back and forth between our two apartments several times a night to see if he's home yet) and when he is over at my house using the computer one girls name keeps coming up over and over and I discover he isn't coming home at night cause he is visiting her. (seems she is going through a divorce and needs a friend). Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I say okay, I have male friends and I can relate to wanting to be there for your friends. Then in Oct, he shows up at my door with a black eye and busted lip and informs me he was at her apartment talking to her and her soon to be X shows up and beats his ass. Of course I'm upset and then he tells me she is going to stay with him for a few days till the police pick him up. (he has a one bedroom apt and no couch) Well 2 days later I go by to drop his groceries off and she is there and I get a vicious "go to hell" look from her and realize there is alot he is failing to tell me. Finaly a few nights later we go out and talk and he says he didn't have sex with her, but he felt I was not giving him enough time and attention and it felt nice to be around her and have so much of her time and attention. I explain him telling me he needed space and didn't have time for a relationship is why I backed off to begin with. He says he is sorry for the misunderstanding I apologize for not being more available etc and we agree to work on the relationship. Several times when he brings her up over the next 2 months I say, "there is more to this, are you sure you didn't have sex with her" He assures me he didn't. Now last week he informs me that they didn't have sex, but she did perform oral sex on him and if he hadn't felt like there was nothing left between us he would not have allowed it to happen. Okay I realize if the President of the United States says oral sex is not sex, then my partner would find it easy to use that argument. But I am not really feeling jealous, more distrustful and very disappointed. 3-4 years ago I wasn't vocalizing and he didn't really know how I felt. But in the past year I have made it perfectly clear how I feel about cheating, be it physical or emotional. I feel he cheated by pushing me away to spend time with her every night after work and then by allowing her to provide him with oral sex. He wants to try and make it work and I am having a hard time accepting that the next time I am busy with my daughter or sick in bed with pnemonia and can't get over to see him, it will be yet another woman who seems to be more attentive. So all this long drawn out post is to ask the question, am I being unreasonable to think that it will happen again and continue to happen always with the reason being that I am not giving him what he wants and needs? Thanks for letting me rant here.....
Re: It's Funny
This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Why punish yourself in this fashion? Give him his walking papers, and let him know you want nothing more to do with him. There are better men out there. Go and find one and give yourself what you deserve. This one isn't it.
Princessintrng said:So all this long drawn out post is to ask the question, am I being unreasonable to think that it will happen again and continue to happen always with the reason being that I am not giving him what he wants and needs? Thanks for letting me rant here.....
This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Why punish yourself in this fashion? Give him his walking papers, and let him know you want nothing more to do with him. There are better men out there. Go and find one and give yourself what you deserve. This one isn't it.
TigerClaw
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Jealousy and Possessivness
are both natural in a relationship.
The jealousy runs into a problem when it is not quelched. For example if I were to go out with a woman and she hung around another guys arm.
I might ask her to sit closer to me. I might tell her to move away. If these are ignored I might even pull her chair closer to me slowly.
If she didnt abide by these things or pulled away from me and insisted on staying where she was it would make the jealousy worse. Having her cling closer to him after such actions is provoking jealousy. Over time with a number of instances like this jealousy can not turn into something nasty. I would not allow this to happen in a relationship.
Any one occurance is probably not bad in and of itself but many strung together can turn that jealous monster green.
I dont find a relationship like that worth it.
are both natural in a relationship.
The jealousy runs into a problem when it is not quelched. For example if I were to go out with a woman and she hung around another guys arm.
I might ask her to sit closer to me. I might tell her to move away. If these are ignored I might even pull her chair closer to me slowly.
If she didnt abide by these things or pulled away from me and insisted on staying where she was it would make the jealousy worse. Having her cling closer to him after such actions is provoking jealousy. Over time with a number of instances like this jealousy can not turn into something nasty. I would not allow this to happen in a relationship.
Any one occurance is probably not bad in and of itself but many strung together can turn that jealous monster green.
I dont find a relationship like that worth it.
TigerClaw
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I made a post on another thread which relates....
I was happy but a bit jealous. I had wondered if I made a mistake getting her this outfit. But I basically knew her. I knew she wanted "us".
She didnt fawn over there compliments. She didnt do anything that showed that they or what they were saying was so important. She was polite and accepted the praise with out making a big deal and falling all over them.
Later that day when she returned home she told me all about the comments she received. She was so happy. She jenuinely was happy and pleased that I had picked it out for her. It became one of her favorite outfits becuase of me.
Any remnants of jealousy was washed away by her reaction. It was pleasant and reaffirmed "Us".
I was happy but a bit jealous. I had wondered if I made a mistake getting her this outfit. But I basically knew her. I knew she wanted "us".
She didnt fawn over there compliments. She didnt do anything that showed that they or what they were saying was so important. She was polite and accepted the praise with out making a big deal and falling all over them.
Later that day when she returned home she told me all about the comments she received. She was so happy. She jenuinely was happy and pleased that I had picked it out for her. It became one of her favorite outfits becuase of me.
Any remnants of jealousy was washed away by her reaction. It was pleasant and reaffirmed "Us".
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SierraMoon
Being me
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i am finding that i am a very jealous person. i'm more jealous of time spent with others talking, than another sub in general.
i agree with those that said communication is the key. As long as you are kept abreast of what is going on, then there shouldn't be any need to be jealous.
i certainly hope that made sense...
i agree with those that said communication is the key. As long as you are kept abreast of what is going on, then there shouldn't be any need to be jealous.
i certainly hope that made sense...
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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Re: Re: It's Funny
Have to agree with SC. Value yourself more than this man does and though it will be painful to make the break, you will find the air much sweeter and your self image soaring once you begin to realise there are others out there who will value your submission, care, devotion, and patience.
Catalina
SexyChele said:
Have to agree with SC. Value yourself more than this man does and though it will be painful to make the break, you will find the air much sweeter and your self image soaring once you begin to realise there are others out there who will value your submission, care, devotion, and patience.
Catalina
Princessintrng
Really Experienced
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Re: Re: Re: It's Funny
Thank you both for taking the time to respond. He is a good person, just has a skewed perspective of relationships, and though I know he can make changes in his life (he has made many positive ones over the time I've known him) this area seems to be hardest for him to change. I love him dearly and always will, but I know only he can change himself. The only person I have the power to change is me. I know he is not intentionaly hurting me, I think he sees the old me in relationships (the one who told my X-husband as long as he didn't bring home anything a doctor had to explain or involve the kids I didn't care what he did). But that woman has been gone for awhile now. You have both confirmed what I already felt, that he has the ability to change, but it is his choice whether he does it or not and I can't be in a relationship where I have to always wonder and worry. Thanks again for the input.
catalina_francisco said:Have to agree with SC. Value yourself more than this man does and though it will be painful to make the break, you will find the air much sweeter and your self image soaring once you begin to realise there are others out there who will value your submission, care, devotion, and patience.
Catalina
Thank you both for taking the time to respond. He is a good person, just has a skewed perspective of relationships, and though I know he can make changes in his life (he has made many positive ones over the time I've known him) this area seems to be hardest for him to change. I love him dearly and always will, but I know only he can change himself. The only person I have the power to change is me. I know he is not intentionaly hurting me, I think he sees the old me in relationships (the one who told my X-husband as long as he didn't bring home anything a doctor had to explain or involve the kids I didn't care what he did). But that woman has been gone for awhile now. You have both confirmed what I already felt, that he has the ability to change, but it is his choice whether he does it or not and I can't be in a relationship where I have to always wonder and worry. Thanks again for the input.
Desdemona
Ellie Mae's evil auntie
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Re: Re: Re: Re: It's Funny
Wow. Princess, I could have written the words I snipped out of your post. In my marriage, I couldn't have cared less. It never bothered me. Now that I do have jealousy, it's a new and unfamiliar thing. I think it has to do with the depth of my feelings for Him.
Princessintrng said:
Wow. Princess, I could have written the words I snipped out of your post. In my marriage, I couldn't have cared less. It never bothered me. Now that I do have jealousy, it's a new and unfamiliar thing. I think it has to do with the depth of my feelings for Him.
Princessintrng
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: It's Funny
I think that was the thing with me, when we first met I was still the woman who thought she couldn't satisfy a man enough to keep him from cheating so I didn't let jealousy play a part. But the truth is, until my current partner, I didn't let anyone in close enough to hurt me. With him I did and that made me jealous. Right now though I don't feel jealous, anger or hurt. I think I just finaly realized this is about him, not me.
Desdemona said:
I think that was the thing with me, when we first met I was still the woman who thought she couldn't satisfy a man enough to keep him from cheating so I didn't let jealousy play a part. But the truth is, until my current partner, I didn't let anyone in close enough to hurt me. With him I did and that made me jealous. Right now though I don't feel jealous, anger or hurt. I think I just finaly realized this is about him, not me.Similar threads
