Looking for advice

I'm not sure excatly how to go baout this it being the first thread I have atempted to start but I seriously would like some advice on the matter so here goes , an dplease bare with me.

I guess maybe a bit of background info might help .

He is Dominate, I'm switch, I'm bi he's not, we have been married sinceI was in the 10th grade (yep to each other) we found this lifestyle queit by accident in 97 only to discover that we had been living it all along just did not know it had a name.

anyway what I need advice on is...........

for well over a year we have openely discussed bring another person into our relationship preferably a female sub. I know jelousy run strong and problems can arise from it if it one is not secure in there relationships but we have discussed it for over a year now and we are both pretty sure its what we want.

we are just not sure how we would go about it and if it does become a relaity how we could make her feel as if she were apart of us .

so if you could please give us any input or advice on what you think we would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you kira

Two thoughts:

1) Be sure you both like the sub you invite to join you. Make a decision together and communicate openly. You could even sit down and make a list of the most important qualities, tastes, background pieces she should have.

2) Move very slowly. It can hurt when you invest yourself in developing a relationship with a sub who finds she isn't ready when the fantasy becomes reality.

I am sure I will have more thoughts later.

I must go back to my sub friend and potential Dom, now.

thank you Miss. Taken, those are some of the things we are discussing, and I htink we have a pretty idea of what we both are looking for. we've considered putting an add in Nugget andmaybe seeing what kind of responses we might recieve, notjumpinginto anything but starting off with correspondence , drinks, lunch etc etc, getting to know someone slowly being sure that before we make any major commitments that it woulld be somethingthat all of us could be happy with if I am making since.

I think my biggest fear if we do this is that he will feel lost, I know he says he wants this but sometimes I wonder if he wants it just because I do and I don't want him to feel he has to if its not what he wants even though he assures me that if he did not want it he would have said so and not continued discussing it for so long.

I don't fear that he would ever leave me for another or that he would find anyone more attracted than me, I guess its just that I'm secure in his feelings for me and in mine for him. and Ihonestly think that there is room in our lifes for another person someone we could both love and care.

I know that poly relationships do work and no that with time, work and lots of patients its possible for us as well.

Its just a mtter of figuringout where to start and how to go about it.

again thank you Miss.Taken.


please keep the advice coming any that anyone has to offer will be a big help to us.

thank you kira

He came in and read my post, and is now laughing his but off at me cause although he said I did well by asking for advice here it still doesn't help that my spelling, my typing and my grammer all suck.

Kira--take a look at the "adding a third to your relationship" thread for some experiences other people have shared about poly relationships, threesomes, and other related issues.

I know of at least one other place you might want to look at posting personals to meet a sub interested in a couple:
Bondage Personals
And good luck to you.

Thank you so much Risia, we will check out the thread on adding a third partner and also the site you gave us. I am sure this will be very helpful to us.

Thank you Kira

My very first sexual relationship was also my very first BDSM relationship and was also a poly relationship (me and a Dom and a Domme). That was, however, a long long long time ago, long before there was the mass of info on such matters that is available today.

Though you may have already thought past these links, here is one collection of links for you. I don't know if they're any good; this isn't an issue i've explored. I do know, though, that the site from which this comes is among those i deem the most trustworthy with respect to my own investigations of BDSM stuff.

I hope they're of some benefit to you and your husband.
(And don't sweat the spelling, grammar, etc. After we know you better, we might poke at you about it, but not until then - and never with malice or unkindness in our hearts.)

http://www.sexuality.org/polyamor.html

Thank you Cym for the link and the kind hearted words and thoughts. Am looking forward to getting to know all of you here at Lit.

Thank you kira

One of the things my Master and I looked for when we did add a third, were things were weren't getting in each other. He wanted someone he could play differently than he did with me.
There were times when we all played together sure, many things cross. *smiling* But we were very clear on boundaries, open communication between ~All~ three of us. And he got someone that was bi enough to play with me, and harsh enough to play with him *smiling* It worked out great for all of us.

Thank you Ysandre,

after talking about it for awhile we nboth sat down and made a list of what we would want in a third partner and realized that we both wanted the same things. I think the biggest thing now is going to be find someone in our area that also wants the same things and that we can both be happy with. and figuring out the best way to go about it all so the t ransition is easy for all of us.


again t hank you for your wonderful input it truely does help alot hear from others.

thank you kira

adding a third

Can be the beginning of the most incredible journey of new self discoveries..deepening of the current relationship and the growth of a new relationship. HEAVEN. All 3 parties must LIKE each other and RESPECT each other as human beings. Notice I do not use the LOVE word. It is My belief that through the liking and respect a specific kind of love will develope naturally, a love much deeper than the romantic. A non threatening love. A love that enhances.

It can be the destruction of a current relationship if the 3 way LIKING and RESPECT are not deep and honest. If two of the parties are already there they may make the mistake of thinking the third will be able to catch up. Possible but doubtful. In this case it is common for a new 2 way romantic love to develope and trust Me..this generally happens between the new partner and one of the originals.

This is one time that there must be a clear Dominant in the house. The one that takes complete responsibility for every nuance of the developement of trust and safety. The Dominant must be able to show equality to both submissives. Firm guidance and caring. Communication must be constant...discovering small problems before they esculate.

A new submissive coming into a prior relationship must know he or she only has one Mistress or Master. They cannot be expected to deal with the confusion of who they serve..when or why. Short term this may work in the excitement and kink of the moment but long term it will erode the respect they have for one of the Dominants.

Being bi Myself I enjoy having a male and a female sub living in My home. I am extremely cautious in My choices and so am still keeping My eye open for the right addition into our life. It is important to Me that the magic between the new sub and I is one thing but there must also be a magic between the current slave and the new sub. I have the need to see that they LIKE each other and RESPECT each other but also that they can laugh and play and tease each other. That there is at least a small sexual tension between them and that they do not feel a competition with each other. I like to know that I can send My toys out for an evening in the city and that they will be playful together, have an incredible time flirting and going to the edge of what I allow and then returning to my feet to discuss in their excitement everything they have experienced together.

Of course all of the sexual compatibilities and kinks are important but I begin looking into the mind long before kink becomes an issue.

Thank you shadow for you words of wisdom they have been a very big help.


thanks kira

kira


I hope I haven't scared you off of the original plan but have simply given you stronger longer lasting tools to work with.

LONG LONG POST

Oh No Shadow, you haven't scared me off at all. I know that this is truely something that we both want in our lives.

We have had this in the past in some way or form all though our past experiencances in it did not invovle any form of BDSM.

I guess Maybe telling of our other expeirceances might be a bit helpful here don't know why I di dnot do so earlier.


At one point in our relastionship a amle friend of ours moved in with us, we had been friends with him forever and neither he nor my husband are bisexual. when he moved in with us it just sorta happened he nor we asked him to move in or if it was ok if he did, it just got to th epoint that he spent more time here than he did at his own home and it was just like it was supose to be.
he and my husband shared alot of common goals and interest and were just that friends. he and i on the other hand had the same sorta relationship emotionally that I had with my husband.there wa snever a sexually relationship between he and i. although every morning when my husband got up to go to work he would wake him and he would come get in the bed with me and hold me (they worked differnt shifts) and they was never any sexual invovlement jst the emtional. My husband was never jelous of him and I no was he jelous of what my husband and I had. the three of us talked openly about anything and everything and my husband always maintained that had there been anything sexual he would have still ecouraged what we had. they was just something there that worked fo rus. and to this day the three of us are still very close although curcumstances and carrear choices have seprated us by distance we are all three still very close.


A second situation we were in thats related or I think fits.

When I was in college ........my best friend and I who are both bisexual were always making out in front of him I kne wit turned him on but to be honest I never thought of what his feelings were on the matter for along time. when we made out he just say and watched never saying aword. Until one day after having made out in front of him for a few hours she got up to leave winked at me and walked over to him and kissed him very passionately rubbing all over him. he kissed her back and she left I still never htought anything of it. then one day he came home and found us in a buble bath together he came in sat down in the floor beside the tub put his hand on my shoulder an dlooked at my friend and polietly stated....... Ik now you love her as much as I do and what the two of you have is special but what we have is also.........I do not remeber his exact words after that............I j ust remeber we sat there in th ebathroom talking and he told me that he kne whe love dme and that I loved him and that as lobg as we were honest with each other always he did not have a problem with it.

I never felt guilty about what my friend and I had done in front of him and he never was hurt or angry by it. It taught us that commincation is veyr impoertant as well as trust. afte that talk in the bathroom that day he joined us as a third an dthings worked out for us.....she never moved in with us but on weekends would stay over and sleep in the bed with the two of us. he and her nevr had any sexaul contact but that was his choice at the time. the three of us are still friends as well.

So I think in some form or another we have always has the desire for a third partner in some way, and Iknow I di dnot post anything about him being with another but thats not to say he hasn't becasue yes he has has girlfriend outside of our marriage and what we have one that I thought the world of and still do.
I just did not feel it my place to tell his story.


so the diesire is still here for us to add a third to our relastionship, only the situation has cahnged some for us in that we no longer want what would be his GF or my GF and we no lobger wnat what would be a vanilla relastionship. I guess what I am saying is that we both know what we want and what our needs are and how we feel about it and know that jelousy is a big ugly green monster that has to be dealt with an dcontrolled and that all partners ahve to have some kind of understanding and some want or need in common for it to be possible at all.
Its just a matter of learning how to go about finding someone that fits if that makes since.

I think comunincation is going to be the biggest key, and makeing sure we all know where we stand with one another.


Oh well I think I have rambled enough, just hope it made since and I did not scare anyone with my logic.

thanks kira

kira
'
Thank you for the background...it sounds like you have the perfect kind of relationship that can make a 3 way relationship work with ease and passion and compassion.

Choosing the right addition will be felt in your gut...I can feel in your interpretation of your past that you have a good gut instinct about people.

thank you Shadow, you friendship, advice and isights have come to mean a great deal to me over the past few days.
Thak you so much for all you have and are doing for me

your friend kira

kira

I have found that in this lifestyle the friendships that are made become deep and meaningful very quickly in ways that vanilla friendships generally take longer to attain. Perhaps it is because We help each other rather than compete. I too am enjoying this friendship that is developing between you and I.