Pushing past fears

Canes.
I'm afraid of canes.

For many years, since i had a very bad experience with them long ago, i've been very afraid of playing with canes. I've shared years with dominants and grown into immense trust of them, with them - but my fear of canes has remained. Last fall i gave into my then-dominant's decree that it was time to get past it and i got hurt again, something that was a matter of shared fault, honest.

Now i have this newish play partner in my life. He's someone who has all the makings of an important dominant in my life, and we're already playing hard. I like this man. I respect him, and care for him. I understand and recognize that he has a life partner already, and he understands and recognizes that i don't have it in me to fall love with anyone right now. Things are good between us.

But he likes canes.

A lot.

It reminds me of my last important BDSM relationship.
At the beginning i said: No piercing. I'm afraid of it.
And he replied: I like piercing. A lot. But we won't do it - yet.

And we didn't, at the beginning. However, he definitely began to work needle play (not quite the same thing as piercing, you know) into the energy that we were building between us. It became real piercing in a matter of months. Eventually the piercing was a thing of scalding heat and intense eroticism between us.

I can't see doing that kind of wildly erotic and edgy piercing play again, though. I'm still afraid of it. It was right with him, for him, but i can't imagine it being as right with someone else as it was right with him.

And now i have these canes to face. I'm amazed, quite frankly, at how many kinds of canes there are. There are a zillion kinds of canes - and i've not looked so i didn't know.

He understands my fears. He's listened. He insures i'm not freaking - but he's using canes, too. He's using the canes because i said it was okay, because he wants to, and (i think) because it's pretty much uncharted territory for me. Every time we've played, he's begun our session with a small, thin, warm-up slapping kinda cane. I've seen and felt a couple others, too. I'm guessing there more i haven't yet seen.

We played this morning, he and i. While we were playing, i dropped because of one of his canes, the skill with which he used it, and the manner in which he made me focus on the sensations he was producing in me with the cane. Amazingly, unbelieveably, i dropped while a i was being caned. Me. The one who has long and passionately declared her fear and loathing for canes. Astounding.

Now, as i sit here, i have stripes of burning welts across the fronts of my thighs because of his canes. However, i also fear the next round of play with him and his canes while i'm fast coming to crave the next round of play with him and his canes.

Which is the truth of my feelings: the fear or the creeping craving?

Is this how it is for all of us, this walking on the edge between what we crave and what we fear? Are we all forever torn about the edge walking we do with those who know how to take us along the hard edge - and pull us back from it safely?
Or is it just me?

Maybe it's just me because it's canes.

Maybe it's like this for you, too.

Please tell me.

What are your fears? What does it feel like when you know you're going to be pushed into and through those fears? Does it help to know you can safeword out? (I've done a lot of "YELLOW'ing" lately, boys and girls. A lot.) How do you push into the edges of your fears?

How do you wrap your head around taking that one more step beyond the place with which you're familiar and comfortable?

How do you walk the edge?
What makes you want to do it?
What makes you need to do it?
How do you push past your fears?


I'm rambling. I'll stop now. Forgive me, please.

I'm confused.

Cym,

As you may or may not realize, when I first began exploring the lifestyle for purposes of engaging in real time, my standard comment was "I am up for anything except pain."

Yes. I know the fear.

I also know the anxiety associated with finding that something you have feared or hated becomes exciting.

Yes. The fear adds to my excitement.

When I am with someone I trust, someone who knows how to Dom for the pleasure of His sub, anything is possible.

I also am concerned in a general sort of way.
As I become exposed to new forms of pain/pleasure play, I crave more.

What scares me?
Where is the limit?
Is it like a drug?
We become addicted and need more, more, more?

I try not too ponder these things too much.
I try to let life happen, be safe and know that there has to be a limit somewhere.

My hard limits are now, no kids, no animals and no permanent physical damage. These are a far cry from saying, "Hi ! I am MissT. No pain!."

Aww now I am babbling and confused.

*hugs* Cym.
I am happy that you are starting a journey with someone who appears to have the potential be a special part of your life.

Cym, thank you for such a thought provoking post.
I think I understand what you are talking about. As you know, I felt a similar fear/attraction to the cane, although, unlike you, I didn't have enough experience to really know what it was all about.
The other day someone mentioned taking the belt out of their pants and using it, and Sam replied that he liked that idea. When I read that, I believe I felt something very similar to what you are describing. On one hand, I am terrified that he will take off his belt and whip me with it, but on the other hand, the mental image of him doing so is highly arousing.
I think there is an attraction/repulsion process at work here, maybe the erotic
equivalent of that thing where you cant help but poke at a sore tooth. The fact that I fear it draws me to it.

Interesting thread. I don't have much to add except to say every time I see cane in a bdsm context, my mind drifts to the cane flogger someone talked about recently.

I have fears. I am haunted, even now.
I fear burns. And, I'm speaking of rope, wire, cords, and even silk burns. It's, simply, an after effect of my rape.

I continue to shudder but I do take baby steps. One day, Cym.

You are strong and courageous, Raindancer.

cymbidia said:

Which is the truth of my feelings: the fear or the creeping craving?

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The truth is both. Life stubbornly refuses to fit into neat boxes or clean definitions, I notice.

What I mean is better explained below.

What are your fears? What does it feel like when you know you're going to be pushed into and through those fears? Does it help to know you can safeword out?

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I don't think fear is a very rational thing...
I do not fear pain; I do not even really fear death. Yet, I've been hurt and pushed to the brink more than once, and I carry the scars of that to this day, probably forever.

However, I *do* have limits when it comes to "sensation play" and pain. I hate canes. I don't fear them, they just do nothing which even remotely touches my erotic response; it's all hurting and not fun. So, why go there? I could suffer through it, but I wouldn't. I don't choose to participate in things which feel like suffering to me. Burns, on the other hand, are exquisite sensation--even though they "hurt" more.

But here's the kicker: I fear verbal humiliation, which seems to me much less dangerous and potentially deleterious than pain. Of all the abuse I took as a kid, the part of it which continues to really haunt me in a scary way is being made to feel low--having to bow and scrape, and then still being treated as if I was without value.

My biggest hang-up about BDSM has always been this creeping suspicion that the one with whom I play might think less of me (and this gets worse the more edgy the play, too), judge me on some level which they couldn't let go of, or that I'd allow someone too much power over me and fall into an abusive relationship without seeing it coming.

Yet, I am incredibly turned on by the most unbelievably cruel, humiliating, flat-out ugly words and manners of being spoken to by a Dom. In the proper context, I can give myself over to that fear and tap-dance right through it. It scares me, makes me shaky, causes me anxiety and calls of "yellow!" and also thrills me and pushes me into subspace faster and more fully than anything else I've yet experienced.

The fear and anxiety are very real. If someone said any of those things to me in any other context, I'd lash out quickly and mercilessly--my reaction to being made afraid is to strike back with fury and speed.

But, the energy it creates is real. And the craving for it is also very real. And yes, the knowledge that I can safeword out is actually the only thing that allows me to give myself permission to go there--and to trust that I can come back from it in one piece, emotionally and physically.

Is this how it is for all of us, this walking on the edge between what we crave and what we fear? Are we all forever torn about the edge walking we do with those who know how to take us along the hard edge - and pull us back from it safely?
Or is it just me?

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I don't know, b. I know it isn't just you, but beyond that I can't say.

How do you wrap your head around taking that one more step beyond the place with which you're familiar and comfortable?

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If you get the answer to this one, please be sure to send it along my way too, okay?

How do you walk the edge?
What makes you want to do it?
What makes you need to do it?
How do you push past your fears?

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I don't have answers, but I have new questions to add:

How do you know where the line is between pushing past your fears and losing all control?

How can we tell which fears are in place to protect us, and which ones just prevent us from living a life of our *own* design?

cym, i don't know if my very limited experience is going to mean much to you, but here it is, for what it's worth....
The Dom that i've been playing with is definately someone who likes to push limits.... he feels me out about things, and how i react to them.. if i give him a "we'll see", then that means, he can push it... if i look at him like he is nuts, and say no, then that means, definately not...

Yes, we've played with the canes both times i've played with him. The buggy whip is actually what i fear more than anything, i'm coming to realize. i have told him about my fears with it, and he has promised to take it easy with it... "for now", but he will not lose it altogether.
I have definately been using the "yellow" word alot lately, but when i do, he takes me into his arms and holds me, til my shaking stops...(side note.. he even spent the night here Sat. holding me through the night, and spanking me awake in the morning.. what a gem i have found!!)
hmmm... what was the question again? oh, right.. pushing past limits.. (sorry cym, got off track)... as i said, i haven't been playing much at all, but i think in the first 2 play sessions that i've had with him, i think he's pushed every limit that i thought i had... as far as how much i could take, and what i would take.... i'm putting my trust in him, and he is already able to tell by my breathing, when it is getting to be too much... he will continue on with what he's doing, until i use the yellow word... i've yet to use the "red"....
sorry for the rambling... sierra...

Experience or lack of it has nothing, really, to do with fears of the edge.

Don't we all have those fears? It doesn't matter if we're new to this or not, don't we all have edges and the fear of taking too big a step into the unknown and scary and hurtful?

Even the dominants - don't you have fears of walking the edge with your submissive partner, of pushing them (and so, you) too far, too fast - and hurting them?

But if we don't walk the edge, why do all this? Why go through it? Why learn to handle what we learn to handle? Why do we eroticize what "normal" society tells us is wrong and bad if we don't derive great pleasure for the doing?

Why do we walk the edges?

Who are we that we need those edges that "normal" folks don't seem to need? Or do they have different kinds of edges, edges we just don't recognize as such?

The physical edges, though, the blurry place between too much and not enough, that place belongs to us.

Why do we go there, to the edge of what we can take?

How do we push past what might be too much to the blazing pleasure and tenfold increase in trust and the deply emotional reality of the link between us and out partner that lies beyond?

Why?

How?

I did it yesterday - but why?
I loved it - but how did i dare?

Are we crazy?

And R's question about pushing past fears and losing control is a good one. When we walk the jknife edge of intense sensation, are we in control? Are we learning something fundamentally new about ourselves and our responses and our needs - or are we dangling our sanity and selfhood above an abyss?

Has my lifelong fear of canes been a good thing, protecting me from physical and emotional harm - or has it hindered me in my growth into the mysteries of my sexual and emotional response to intense sensation? The welts on my thighs are throbbing and telling a story of trembling emotional/sexual/personal growth during thier deposition yesterday - but is the story autobiography or fiction?

I can't remember a time i've felt so unbalanced about my own responses to my long-established needs.

Am i crazy to need and want this?
Are you?

I don't even know where to begin when I talk about pushing throught the fears I have. Some of mine seem so inconsequential when compared to those of others.

I have a horrible fear of a ball gag. The first time Himself brought it up I hyperventilated and we were talking on the phone at the time. That was eight months ago. He has worked with me slowing, scaves to cover my face and mouth. I am still afraid, today, but I am willing to consider the possibility of using a ball gag. (We don't have one yet, so I have not been faced with the actual use of one.)

In some ways I think we, as a couple, push each other through our fears. Because we were both pretty new to this when we got together, we have grown into our play and the things we do. We continue to grow the longer we are together. It is a constantly changing and evolving situation for the two of us at this point in time.

cymbidia said:

Is this how it is for all of us, this walking on the edge between what we crave and what we fear? Are we all forever torn about the edge walking we do with those who know how to take us along the hard edge - and pull us back from it safely?
Or is it just me?

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I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm fairly certain that the above is the exact reason I want to explore certain things in my sexuality.

I fear not being in control. There have been to many times in my life when I've had no control over what happened to me sexually, and it's extremely difficult for me to let go, to get into a place mentally where I totally trust a partner. I've been with my husband almost 9 years, and I still fear completely letting go. The 'what-ifs' swamp me, and I hang on tightly to control of myself and the situation. At the same time, I crave being controlled. Part of me wants to be taken, to have no control and no responsibility for myself during the act. It's a strange little paradox to be caught in.

I respect the fears of subs shared here, but cym is right - what about the fears of Dommes?

cym said (I'm still having trouble with the quote thing):
Even the dominants - don't you have fears of walking the edge with your submissive partner, of pushing them (and so, you) too far, too fast - and hurting them?

Physically, there is always that fear you will hurt the person.

But if we don't walk the edge, why do all this? Why go through it? Why learn to handle what we learn to handle? Why do we eroticize what "normal" society tells us is wrong and bad if we don't derive great pleasure for the doing?

Why do we do this? I can answer only for myself - fulfillment of who I am. Empowerment of the woman I am.

I don't think we are eroticizing what "normal" society tells us is wrong, if I am understanding what you are saying here. I think we are doing what is right and natural for us, what makes us and our partners happy. We don't tell them "textbook sex" is wrong, do we?

Heights. Particularly jumping out of airplanes. I grew up in a town that was a hub for skydivers, and have heard too many first-hand accounts of splats. But it's not likely that's going to be on a list of things to do in the future, so no biggie.

BDSM related? Every time I play with someone different, I fear my submission will be used to make me feel foolish, and not for gratification of some need other than that. To be used and ridiculed is probably my worst BDSM fear. How to overcome it? In time, the fear subsides as I learn to trust her more. Initially, it's just a matter of mustering what trust I can, facing the issue and going forward despite it. It has paid off, as a rule.

cymbidia said:

What are your fears? What does it feel like when you know you're going to be pushed into and through those fears? Does it help to know you can safeword out? (I've done a lot of "YELLOW'ing" lately, boys and girls. A lot.) How do you push into the edges of your fears?


How do you wrap your head around taking that one more step beyond the place with which you're familiar and comfortable?

How do you walk the edge?
What makes you want to do it?
What makes you need to do it?
How do you push past your fears?


I'm rambling. I'll stop now. Forgive me, please.

I'm confused.

Click to expand...

Limits and the emotions around them.

Cymbidia raised lots of points about those of us who live, at least sometimes, at the edge.

Consider: The "normal" and averagely prudent adult does not, when atop the roof of a tall building, walk right along the edge. That leaves no 'margin' of safety, as would be the case if you stayed, say 2 feet from the edge.

If, then, we see someone walking at the edge, they may not know it; then they are a child. If they know it, they are a teenager ( one of those said to believe in their invulnerability)or a "daredevil"(or both).

So we see an adult at the edge. Why is s/he this way, not "normal." S/he likes, no _craves_, the emotions, the fear, the vertigo of the edge.

While I don't buy the 'abuse causes s/m' thesis and there are many kinks that seem to arise for unknown reasons, I do think that often these 'non normal', these 'edge' folks have been there before. This is clear, for instance in Risia Skye's account. Others, may, for example experienced desire for self destruction, or dangerous leanings toward hard drug or alcohol addiction.

So we return, in a consensual situation. Is it just a death seeking repetition? Is it an attempt to master (deal with) the feelings ("working off" as some analysts call it). Both?

We've been swept near or past a limit. Later we say, "This is the limit: (for example) no canes." Around the limit is a lot of fear, and the craving Cym spoke of.

Let's leave aside the problem of how to assess relative strangers and strange situations, and whether the dom/me is psycho or unstable, or just recklessly ignorant.

If, in an established situation, the sub dictates hard limits, and sets them for the dom/me, s/he is exercizing a measure of control. If that control is successful, in its own terms, I submit that the feelings described will be minimized. But that's not necessarily what one wants.

To put it the other way, only when the dom/me is prepared to pass over limits, and the sub knows it, are the feelings, fears and cravings, likely to emerge. These, as Cym suggests, are likely signs of one's being at a 'growing edge.'

While I don't generally think a dom/me is a therapist, in this case, there is a parallel. What good therapist, ultimately, would, in an established relationship, ever agree never to touch those areas of greatest fear? But we do expect some delicacy, not a bull in a china shop approach. And an absence of malice.

The truest and most 'high' of the emotions described, arise when one knows one is being taken past a limit, which of course means that there's a genuine surrender, finally, of control. Terror and ecstasy. I imagine it's what the hang glider-person must feel when s/he jumps off his first cliff.

What of the dom/me. The ultimate form of power; the person's psychic structure in the palm of your hand. That structure to be 'tweaked', altered, for undisclosed purposes that the sub does not understand; to be probed, near the point of the most intense emotions, at its weakest or flawed spots (in the view of the Master). But isn't this dangerously beyond consent? Perhaps. But, as discussed at the beginning, we see people putting themselves in this 'edge' area.

Consider that it's simply not possible to consent, in specific terms, to move past the known, to the unknown. The sub simply cannot say, "Here I am, and there I will be, in such-such situation, and knowing the risks, I consent." You cannot get a "God's eye" view of the known and unknown, and compare them. So we reach the final paradox that the growth or transformation of the sub is not something s/he can give specific prior consent to. But that is what she yearns for.

I think these reflections have gone on long enough, and would welcome other opinions.

Normally, i’d be disinclined to bump one of my own threads for any reason but Pure’s last response to this was so full of intricately detailed and wonderfully evocative questions that i’ve found myself mulling it over time and again. I want a chance to respond to Pure’s contributions to this thread and can only do that by bumping it. (Please read the whole post Pure made before reading my response since I’m going to chop the hell out of the original post. Thanks.)

~bump~

Pure said:

So we return, in a consensual situation. Is it just a death seeking repetition? Is it an attempt to master (deal with) the feelings ("working off" as some analysts call it). Both?

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For me, it’s a joyful dance with life. I am wildly in love with feeling. I love and crave and need the repetition of sliding right up to the very most edgy part of feeling, the place where it’s not clear from second to second what is agonizing pain and what is blazing pleasure. I need the balance it provides to me in my life, that place, the balancing act i do there, suspended, glorying in the intensity of the feelings that imbue my self with aliveness.

At those moments, i’m alive in a way that i’m never alive at any other time. I fear being there. No. I fear getting there. But I crave it, too. I want them, those intense excesses, and I loathe them. I need them. I’ve sacrificed in my life to be able to take them, too, when they come to me.

I have to have that kind of blazing pleasure – or is it pain? – in my life. It’s part of who i am at my core. So, is “it just a death seeking repetition? Is it an attempt to master (deal with) the feelings?” I don’t know. For me, though, i know i’m only fully and completely alive as a sexual being when i feel those feelings. That’s enough for me, i think.

If, in an established situation, the sub dictates hard limits, and sets them for the dom/me, s/he is exercizing a measure of control. If that control is successful, in its own terms, I submit that the feelings described will be minimized. But that's not necessarily what one wants.

To put it the other way, only when the dom/me is prepared to pass over limits, and the sub knows it, are the feelings, fears and cravings, likely to emerge. These, as Cym suggests, are likely signs of one's being at a 'growing edge.'

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In many of the long-term BDSM relationships i’ve been a part of or known of there’s been a place, a point in time, often arrived at without any real discussion, when the submissive partner gives every single bit of her submission to her(1) dominant. At that time, everything becomes fair game. Anything can be expected, asked-for, decided-on. Her submission is total. The power exchange is blazingly complete. All limits can be passed over.

Before one gets to that point, though, there may be a very long time when limits are pushed, even what were once “hard limits”. We push limits, and open ourselves to them being pushed, because that’s how we grow together.

We love each other, we who do this pain/pleasure thing together. We care deeply and openly. We are honest about our needs and fears. We push and are pushed, way past what we ever thought we could take, because that’s one of the main ways our trust and need for each other is fostered, we who do this pain/pleasure thing with our partners. We’re symbiotic in this, kinda.

We can be at a “growing edge” with barehanded spanks on a panty-covered butt if that’s what the edge is for us and our partner. It might take a singletail and unerring aim for others of us, or repeated piss play or public humiliation or living with our partner for 15 years and growing toward edgy play. The growing edges change along with us, too, evolving and becoming more certain as our bond to and with our partner intensifies and deepens.

The sub who sets hard limits for her dom/me to respect is excercising control. Indeed. At the beginning of a new relationship it’s necessary, too. If one is going to let someone tie them down and beat on their butt with…whatever…it’s wise to have a few controls on what the “whatever” will be, isn’t it? In the beginning, it’s not so much about control as it is about safety.

Later, though, as trust develops, we learn that dominant will not freak out and kill us. Then, oh yes, many of us long to truly put our submission in his hands and fold ourselves into his keeping, secure in the knowledge that we’ll be pushed and he’ll be there with us every step of the way, too.

What of the dom/me. The ultimate form of power; the person's psychic structure in the palm of your hand. That structure to be 'tweaked', altered, for undisclosed purposes that the sub does not understand; to be probed, near the point of the most intense emotions, at its weakest or flawed spots (in the view of the Master). But isn't this dangerously beyond consent? Perhaps. But, as discussed at the beginning, we see people putting themselves in this 'edge' area.

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Most of us go slowly toward that place of absolute surrender to our dominant. Most of us take tiny baby steps getting there, or three steps forward and two steps back.

In this way, we do the dance of increasing trust and, so, consent is given slowly, easily, naturally, as the dance continues.

One doesn’t often go into edge areas with someone one doesn’t know very well. The edgy areas in our needs – and they’re different for us all – are experiences we gift to special people, to people we have learned to trust. We don’t give our edgy areas to just anyone we meet and think might wield a mean crop, and since crops scare us silly, THAT sounds like fun! Would a dominant be likely to think twice about playing with anyone who was so obviously needy, so unwilling to think about her own safety?

Consider that it's simply not possible to consent, in specific terms, to move past the known, to the unknown. The sub simply cannot say, "Here I am, and there I will be, in such-such situation, and knowing the risks, I consent." You cannot get a "God's eye" view of the known and unknown, and compare them. So we reach the final paradox that the growth or transformation of the sub is not something s/he can give specific prior consent to. But that is what she yearns for.

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You are so incredibly correct.

That final step cannot be one taken hand-in-hand with reason and logic. We offer our deep and abiding belief that all will be well, that we will grow, that we will be cherished, that we will not be hurt in a bad way – and then we leap out into the great abyss of absolute trust in our dominant.

We trust.

We allow ourselves to become clay in the hands of dominant, the potter. We trust that the resulting vessel will be one that is loved by both the potter and the clay. We trust that the potter will benefit as much from making the vessel as the clay does from being so shaped.

We trust.

In the end, that’s all any of us has to offer our partner that’s of any value at all in our kind of love relationships.

Honesty.
Trust.
Growth.

Those attributes are the three-pronged seat upon which rest BDSM relationships. It’s who we are to each other and among our kind.

Well, it’s who we can be, anyway.



(1) I most often use a feminine perspective in my posts when referring to the feelings a submissive might have because i am a woman. I know, however, as we all do, that the submissive partner in any BDSM relationship is as likely to be male as female.

Cym and Pure, thanks so much for posting here. I've learned a lot from these last two posts, and yet fear I've not yet given them the reading they deserve.

I will however, venture to tell a story, with the hope that it might fit in.

Back when I had a motorcycle, and lived out in the hill country, we had a house at the end of a long winding road, the kind only only Texas Ranch to Market road builders could think was rational to make. There was one S curve in particular that was especially hard to negotiate. So naturally every day I took that curve a little faster, just to see how fast I could take it. Then of course, I found out. I was lucky to come out of it with only one permanent injury. So. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, right?

Not really. I'd still rather take risks than not.
(Though I admit, I haven't replaced that motorcycle, yet.)

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter how much you lecture safety, maybe the "danger" is part of what lures you in. Or maybe in the case of BDSM, it's not the danger per se, but a place or feeling or experience that's inherently dangerous, in and of itself.

Now I've posted some thoughts, so Pure and cym, please come back and talks some more.

Sandia said:

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter how much you lecture safety, maybe the "danger" is part of what lures you in. Or maybe in the case of BDSM, it's not the danger per se, but a place or feeling or experience that's inherently dangerous, in and of itself.

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Is this what calls to you in the practice of BDSM in your life, Sandia? Do you like the danger that living on the edge via such sexuality can provide?

raindancer said:

I have fears. I am haunted, even now.
I fear burns. And, I'm speaking of rope, wire, cords, and even silk burns. It's, simply, an after effect of my rape.

I continue to shudder but I do take baby steps. One day, Cym.

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*hugging you tightly* You are indeed a courageous lady. You will make progress and doing it the slow way is the best. I know how you feel. I have many fears as well that are slowly being worked through. A couple of them have already been resolved.

Sandia said:

Back when I had a motorcycle, and lived out in the hill country, we had a house at the end of a long winding road, the kind only only Texas Ranch to Market road builders could think was rational to make. There was one S curve in particular that was especially hard to negotiate. So naturally every day I took that curve a little faster, just to see how fast I could take it. Then of course, I found out. I was lucky to come out of it with only one permanent injury. So. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, right?

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Heh.. I live in the Texas hill country and I know just the kinds of roads you are talking about. I scared the shit out of myself one night. I have a habit of taking those windy roads a bit too fast because of the thrill as well. And I came around the corner and standing in the very middle of the road was a huge Appaloosa stallion that had evidently escaped from a ranch. I barely missed hitting him and went into a ditch, knowing that either way I would get hurt. I got lucky though and wasn't hurt, neither was my car. If I'd hit the horse it would have totalled my car I am sure.

On pushing past fears...

I have many fears... Needles, electrical play, canes, single tails and whips, crops, canes and hair pulling (it freaks me out bad due to my ex).

During my month long visit with my Domme Friend. She pushed 3 of these limits and got through two of them completely, while a third was negotiated and will be worked on.

Most of these fears are from my two exs.. The crop fear is because my ex laid my back open with a crop, requiring me to have way over a hundred stitches and then plastic surgery to remove a scar that went from my right shoulder blade to my left hip. I was very tiny and petite when I was with him so it was easy to do that kind of damage perhaps.

The cane fear comes from having a willow switch used on me in front of my ex's niece one evening as we were leaving the diabetic camp where I worked. The same goes for the single tail, I was whipped bloody with one on numerous ocassions.

The hair pulling... My ex used to drag me around by my hair...

My Domme friend got me into my subspace at PEP one evening and stopped in the middle of our play, she leaned up against me and breathed deeply into my ear then gently pulled my head back by my hair, not even hard enough to hurt me and said "I'm going to beat you savagely" in a very seductive tone. My heart melted and begin pounding so fast. It was something that I really liked and perhaps I can get over that fear soon.

The crop and cane were used on me on the same evening. I was terrifed of the cane but I was in a bad space emotionally in dealing with my ex that I left recently and her death threats. I asked to be thrashed and following that I got in huge trouble for hurting myself. My domme friend made me go get the cane and fill the tub with water to let it soak. She used a myriad of toys on me, all ones that I enjoy then without telling me started using the crop, I didn't have time to panic and found that I liked it. She then checked my headspace and gave me 6 strokes with the cane. She was very gentle with me and followed up with my favorite toy, the quirt. I am no longer afraid of the cane or the crop. Because my limits were pushed in a kind and loving way. Even though it was a punishment I knew it was for my own good and there was anger in what was done to me.

Bump

LCG this might be of interest too
H

This is a good bump and i will give it some thought. Already i am shying away from those corners of my thoughts. Addressing fears is a tough, but admirable, task.

lara

Thanks for the bump guys... I forgot about this thread.

I've enjoyed reading this thread - thought provoking, so thank you to Cym and Pure particularly.

Some things come easy for me - there are ways in which it's easy to submit. Others, though, are harder. My Master knows them, and doesn't ask too much of me.

The thing is, I want to be challenged, to be pushed; I want to try the things that are difficult. There's no challenge in submitting in the easy ways; they're fun, we both get a huge charge out of them, but the difficult ones - they're the things I wouldn't do for anyone else, or couldn't do for anyone else to be more accurate.

That I'll do something that challenges me - or terrifies me - I like that he can get that response out of me. It's a...proof, I guess, that he's my Master. For nobody else...

Dustygrrl said:

On pushing past fears ... She used a myriad of toys on me, all ones that I enjoy then without telling me started using the crop, I didn't have time to panic and found that I liked it. She then checked my headspace and gave me 6 strokes with the cane. She was very gentle with me and followed up with my favorite toy, the quirt. I am no longer afraid of the cane or the crop. Because my limits were pushed in a kind and loving way ...

Click to expand...

Very intelligent woman.

A gentle nudge, a thorough check before proceeding, a slow build-up, and dessert.

Very smart indeed.