Question: Addressing Doms/mes on line

I, first, began my exploration into BDSM here, at lit. At that time, there were far fewer members and we have always been quite familiar and informal with one another.

I am asking all, Dom/mes and subs, how do you feel Dom/mes should be addressed on line, by veritable strangers?

I have been in chat rooms where the "rules" called for varying degree of deference to Doms/mes. If you are a Dom/me, is that what you prefer?

If you are a sub, do you feel comfortable appraoching a Dom/me by using "Sir", "Mistress" etc.

We, at lit, have worked very hard to avoid the chat room style repartee that one sees often and elsewhere.

I personally, do not feel that anyone should be treated with deference until a link has been established, that connection being based upon mutual respect.

Any thoughts?

With respect!

I can only speak for myself (and I think for a few Dommes specially here on Lit) but I expect just a general, normal, reasonable level of respect.

Addressing me with a title is not needed and actually I am not impressed by someone who doesn't know me at all but bestowes all sort of referential titles upon me.

I think it is ok by those who know me, but I wouldn't expect anyone to do it apart from my sub according to the established rules.

If someone has to use a title I'd prefer Ma'am before Mistress, but to be honest, it doesn'T really bother me one way or other as long as it is all delivered in a general atmosphere of healthy respect for me but self-respect of the "sender" as well.

Re: With respect!

Hecate said:

I can only speak for myself (and I think for a few Dommes specially here on Lit) but I expect just a general, normal, reasonable level of respect.

Addressing me with a title is not needed and actually I am not impressed by someone who doesn't know me at all but bestowes all sort of referential titles upon me.

I think it is ok by those who know me, but I wouldn't expect anyone to do it apart from my sub according to the established rules.

If someone has to use a title I'd prefer Ma'am before Mistress, but to be honest, it doesn'T really bother me one way or other as long as it is all delivered in a general atmosphere of healthy respect for me but self-respect of the "sender" as well.

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I only expect my sub to show deference in addressing me. I use it SOLELY as a training tool,...one that I think works quite well in an ONLINE relationship. Skin to skin,(real PLAY) is another matter,...and it would depend on WHO I am participating with,...and the reasons behind the play. I guess it really boils down to individual preferences!(jmho)

I don't wish to abide by rules

My conviction regarding who I am comes from within and doesn't need to be enforced by language. That said, I treat others with respect and civility and expect the same in return. Regarding my relationship with a sub I do expect the deepest respect expressed in the way that I choose in that situation, which will be unique for us.

Hmmmm..................

I think I would feel rather uncomfortable addressing a Dom/mes that I did not know in a "formal" way.....general respect to all is the way I try to handle myself......If I was on a more familiar basis with that Dom/me....then I can see mor formality being used.

Just my little post here on the subject

Blessings all~
ltlwitch

I treat people here as i treat them in my regular day-to-day life: with respect, for the most part. Here and there, i sometimes have bad days. Then i apologize for my bad behavior and move on. Here and there, i use people's names.

I don't offer BDSM-style honorifics unless they're appropriate to the specific situation. For instance, i've often called Hecate "Lady" in conversation with her because she's inspiried that kind of BDSM-tinged awe from me from the beginning but there's no one else to whom i offer a similar lifestyle honorific. It's a decision i've made in a decidedly conscious fashion; i use people's names or nicks.

If i were to participate in a chat room situation (and please kill me if you find me in a chat room because you'll know that my mind has been overtaken by aliens and i'll be in there, behind the alien presence, screaming for the ultimate release of death), then i would abide by the conventions of the place i chose to visit. HOWEVER i think it a huge lie to offer terms like "Master" and "Mistress" to people who are not that to me and so, i would not - not even in a chat room. Instead, i'd offer "Sir" or "Ma'am", terms equally lifestylish without the connotations of personal relationships that the others seem to confer on the user and recipient alike.

Since i don't go to chat rooms, though (and remember that "kill me" thing if you ever see me in one), my observations are based on extensive years-ago experience with them. Please keep that in mind.

Here, i would double over laughing - and then get all mean and nasty - if anyone came in calling all our community dominants "Mistress" "Master" "Sir" and/or "Ma'am". What, i wonder, would such people do about switches? Don't they deserve all that immediate bowing and scraping, too?




A side note: Glaive and i went to see the new Star Wars yesterday. (It was good though it possesses, in my opinion, gratuitious romance - and i'm a big fan of romance, too.) Anyway, we went to see it. Partway into it, near the beginning, we simultaneously leaned toward each other and giggled (quietly!) about all the "Masters" in that movie. Man! Every time the word was used, and it was used a lot, a little place low down in my tummy sorta squirmed, you know?

I am a Domme, but I do not expect, nor want deferential titles applied to me by those I do not know, in informal situations. If I were at a formal event, then the rules of the house would apply, whatever they may be. Someone I do not know calling me Mistress, or Syr Kestral feels odd. They do not know me, nor are they my submissive, so it catches me off guard, and I am left to wonder why, and when, I earned this level of respect from them.

All I request from people I meet (be they Dom(me) or sub) is to be given (as I give) the simple respect for a fellow human being.

To any who know me, Dom(me) and sub alike, I am Kes...simply Kes. There are a few of the submissives I have known for years who call me Ma'am, or Syr, (read: Leather Dyke) but that is their choice, I don't see how, in an online setting, anyone can feel they have the right to demand being called Mistress, or Master by those they have only just met. (Only my oh-so-humble opinion here)

Ty MT for the thread, it is a good one, and you presented it very well.

Ok, I have ranted enough

Be well, be safe, be happy,
KW

I really think that we are, for the most part, in consensus on this issue...thus far.

I do remember one poster who's signature line read somethign to the effect, "You may call me Sir."

Titles indicate respect and that special relationship that is building between a Dom/me and sub.

I find that when stranger refers to me as "pet", "lil one" or any of the other widely used endearments, I feel as though I am a singles bar and hearing cat calls.

For me to use the term, "Master" is difficult, even when involved. I struggle with this issue and believe it does not indicate a lack of respect, rather, the struggle is indicative of the inner conflict or a sub who is assertive and in control by day, and longs to rid herself of her wolve's clothing at night. *smiles*

I find myself questioning the sincerity of anyone who expects a title or respect beyond that given to all of us as people. I treat everyone i post to with respect until they have demonstrated to me that my respect is not warranted. Using titles or terms of address such as "Sir" or "Ma'am" removes me from the topic at hand. I know i could not post freely here, if i was worrying about not addressing someone properly, or if someone was going to be offended because i didn't know them well enough to address them properly.

For example, i have been quite mistaken about the gender of several posters. What happens if i'm mistaken about their being a Dom/me or sub?

Here's one Switch's perspective....

Titles have always driven me batty. I do use "Sir" and "Ma'am" in everyday discussions with my peers, a kind of tur-of-last-century politeness and formality, but that's more a character quirk than anything else. If someone absolutely needs to use an honorific or title, I will respond to "Sir" (only after flinching), but anything else will have me in an extraordinarily pissy mood in no time. (past relationship issues )

As to chatrooms and "Playing online", the closest I've ever come to that is the SRP here in Lit, in a couple of threads.


(Edited to include title)

I do not ever use those words to address anyone. But then again I am not in the position to ever address anyone that way. Read lack of interacting with anyone other than here on the boards.

I do not use the word Master with my Dom. If I do not use that word with him,I would not use it with anyone else.

I think honorific titles should be earned lest they become entirely without value, things of casual conversation.

I don't bestow honorifics or expect any.

I do bestow a certain amount of respect. The better I get to know a person the more or less respect I treat that person with.

Honorifics? There were officers in the military that I never called "sir." I called them by their title and only because the United States Government saw fit to give it to them.


Risia is so very right.

There was a sergeant who went to the Gulf with the Stud's battalion. He was wounded in some way the fifth day they were there and sent home for it.

When the Stud came home the sergeant was wearing a Combat Infantry Badge and he'd never seen combat.

The CIB is, well was a prestigious award given to soliders who had spent time as infantry in combat.

The Stud, consequently, thinks his CIB is worth jackshit.

KillerMuffin said:

Risia is so very right.

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I just quoted this so I could see it again.
I knew if I waited long enough, I'd eventually see those words from Muff.

Okay, I didn't really *know* so much as *suspect.*

I have used the prefix Ms. here in regard to a few Dommes, such as Ms. Hecate or Ms Ebony, solely as a sign of my regard. That's just a personal thing of mine.
Generally speaking, I don't believe in bestowing titles willy-nilly for the exact reasons others have stated.
In particular regard to discussion forums such as this, I read here because I want to learn from as many different perspectives as possible. When a submissive starts Sirring and Maaming all over the place, it makes me wonder if they are presenting their honest opinion, or saying what they think is expected of them under some protocol , and their contribution to the discussion becomes useless to me.

Yes Mistress.

HA HA.

I dont use this because she is a domme, I use it becaue I like her, and its my nickname for her.

People who have nicknames from me, have my respect.

I dont believe in an automatic titalisation of dom/mes because they designate themselves such. Its up to you on a personal level to make the distinction.

I am with the consensus on this issue also .... I give respect unless I deem otherwise and then I would not offer up a word.

My Pet is a bit of an exhibitionist and calls me Miss Ex in public if we are just out and enjoying ourselves, Sunday breakfast. Rules may change in private at my choosing.

My friends call me Ex, but I would find it untruthful for another sub to call me Mistress.

I try to treat everyone the same, with respect and courtesy. I do not refer to any Dom/mes as Sir or Master or Mistress...

Himself is the only man I have ever called Master or Sir and it will remain thusly.

I have in the past referred to both Nessus and Hecate as Madame only in the sense that I respect both of them highly, and like cym, am a little in awe of the two of them.

I have only ever visited a couple of chat rooms and found them to be entirely too difficult to deal with... all that Sirring and Ma'aming was making me crazy...

I prefer to be here, on equal footing with everyone...

Chat room dealings

where to begin lol i have often visited the chat rooms throughout cyber space, it is where i have gained some experience with the whole lifestyle. There are certain "rules" that apply to differenct situations there,but i have to agree with most of the replies posted here. i am a switch and thus have two id's i use when in the chatrooms, but nothing drives me battier than when an online Dom/me orders me to call them Master or Mistress. i do refer to them as Ma'am or Sir, as i live in the south and it is simply a term of respect, but i reserve Master or Mistress for one who has my heart. i have been a r/l submissive for over 5 years and thus have used the term Master for only two men, and Mistress for one. The whole deal is this, if you do decide to venture out into chat, post it in your profile what you wish to be called, it makes it alot easier for the subbies out there to know so they do not offend (the honest of us do worry about that).

Kiss me gently with the flick of the lash, show me your love with its gentle kiss...then hold my hand as i fly to the heights realizing at last i have no limits...

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Re: Chat room dealings

blueyedheartbandit said:

where to begin lol i have often visited the chat rooms throughout cyber space, it is where i have gained some experience with the whole lifestyle.

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It's lovely that you have skin-to-skin experience with BDSM relationships. Since that is our focus in this community, you'll be an asset in our discussions.

We leave the chat room kind of BDSM fantasy play at the door, blueeyedheartbandit, when we come here. It's kind of a community hard limit, hmmmm?

Common courtesy

is all I require. I do not like to be called Mistress by anyone I do not own. I have been approached on line several times, and when asked I have them call me by my screen name.

If am mentor and/or training a sub, I allow the name Ma'am, and that is all the titles I allow.

Others may have different standards.

Ebony

Amen!

RisiaSkye said:

I think honorific titles should be earned lest they become entirely without value, things of casual conversation.

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I agree 100%.

Ebony

RisiaSkye said:

I think honorific titles should be earned lest they become entirely without value, things of casual conversation.

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THAT'S probably part of why titles and honorifics drive me bat's ass.

Looks like I'm back to adding a "ditto" to Risia's posts...... Just like I did in my early days here.



Seems like everyone here is more about RL/RT than Chatrooms; so our collective view of these things.....

Ah, crap. Lost the thought. It'll come back to me eventually.

Side question: anyone else find Titles to be an annoying, superfluous piece of melodrama? Or am I just carrying some personal baggage into this?

I do find titles a bit umcomfortable until I am in subspace. Then, calling Him "Sir" can be quite meaningful and erotic.

Of course, at that point, my headspace is such that I am exclusively His to do with as He pleases. I have lost my own will and defer to Him.