Turning back the clock

Do you ever find yourself in a frame of mind wherein you wish you could turn back the clock?

Perhaps, take time back to a point before you discovered BDSM and make a different choice?

I have periods of time wherein I feel like I may have made a mistake. When this happens, I don't feel like I know who I am or what I want.

I even tried to leave the lifestyle for a bit, but it didn't last long.

Are these "moods", for lack of a better word, unusual?

Please, tell.

Miss T

Maybe not in regards to BDSM, but sure, there are lots of times I wouldn't mind turning the clock back to. Puts me in mind of a song. You've heard me speak, but not sing, Miss T, but I have a high baritone.

"When the Crowds Have Gone", by Savatage, on the album Gutter Ballet

I don't know
where the years have gone
memories can only last so long
like faded photographs, forgotten songs

And the things
I never knew
when the skin is thin
the heart shows through
Please believe me
What I tell you is true

Where's the lights, turn them on again
one more night, to believe and then
another note for my Requiem
A memory to carry on
the story's over
when the crowds have gone

All my friends
have been crucified,
made life, a long suicide,
true.
Guess we never
figured out the rules.

But I'm still alive, my fingers feel,
gonna play on, 'til the final reel is through.
Read the credits, from a different view.

Where's the lights? Turn them on again,
One more night, to believe, and then,
another note, for my Requiem.
A memory to carry on,
the story's over,
When the crowds have gone.

When the Crowds are Gone,
and I'm all alone,
playing the saddest song,
now that the lights are gone.

Turn them on again!
Turn them on again!
Turn them on again!
Turn them on again!
Turn them on again!

I never wanted to know,
I never wanted to see,
I wasted my time,
Until Time wasted me.

I never wanted to go,
I always wanted to stay,
'Cause the persons I am
Are the parts that I play.

So I plot and I plan,
Hope and I scheme,
to the lure of a night,
filled with unfinished dreams.

And I'm holding on tight,
to a world gone astray,
as they charge me for years,
I can't pay.

And the lights?
Turn them off, my friend.
And the Ghosts?
We'll just let them in.
'Cause in the dark
it's easier
to see.

The part in bold pretty much sums up the way I feel just about every minute of my life.

Retrospect


What's that they say... 'hindsight is 20/20'.
i understand what you're saying and i think everyone feels that way from time to time, BDSM or not.

i live by the the theory of 'No Regrets'. i don't regret anything i've ever done and i don't do things i may end up regretting. Given the information that i had at the time i've made life decisions, i've made the decisions that were best. That's not to say that if i knew then what i know now the decision i made may have been different. Of course it may have been, but why dwell on what isn't or what wasn't.
When my kids would complain about rules that i'd set, they always got the same response from me, "sorry if you don't like it, deal with it, you didn't come with instructions. When they invent the perfect parent, I'll get you one. Until then you have to deal with me."
What it really comes down to is that none of us received instructions. We all just wing it.
Everything doesn't need a label or a reason. Somethings just are.

It's your life. It's the only one you get. Embrace it! Enjoy it!

There's an old proverb that pretty much says it all...

'Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening,
Love as if you've never been hurt,
and live each day as if it were your last.'

No regrets my dear MissTaken, every road you travel, every path you choose is but another adventure.
Life, the ultimate adventure.

Turn back time?

Possibly. I was trained first as a slave, I think it was best for one reason. At that time, I thrived on chaos, and didn't know who "I" was. "If I knew then what I know now" perhaps I would have done things differently. Perhaps I would have asked James to apprentice me as a Domme and not travelled the path of the slave for a year. I doubt it. I was young, stupid, and confused.

I always wonder, though, what would have been different, in general, if I had made different decisions in my life.


Quoting Anonymous:

"Given the information that i had at the time i've made life decisions, i've made the decisions that were best. That's not to say that if i knew then what i know now the decision i made may have been different. Of course it may have been, but why dwell on what isn't or what wasn't."

-and-

"What it really comes down to is that none of us received instructions. We all just wing it.
Everything doesn't need a label or a reason. Somethings just are.
It's your life. It's the only one you get. Embrace it! Enjoy it! "


I think we all wonder, at one time or another, what we could have done differently. There are only a few paths to take from that wondering curiosity:

1. Bemoan your decisions, and watch the past, while your present slips away,

2. Never look back, don't learn from the bad decisions, and continue to make them,

~Or~

3. Look back occasionally, think about why you made the mistakes you have, and try not to repeat them in the present; look at the good decisions you made, and figure that out as well, while looking hopefully towards the future.

I think I'll take door number three, Monty. Not to say I haven't done more than my fair share of number 1, and 2......but I far more enjoy the effects of number 3. All you can do is try your best, and, if it's a person or situation is making you re-think where you are now, figure out why. What is making you feel this way? Have you changed? Has your situation changed, and you not noticed? (very easy to do if you're caught up in work, or other things)

Be yourself, do what is best for you, and damn those who try to wean you away from your true self.

KW

I have spent a life time of living for others, according to their expectations only to give up me to be with them, or what they expected. NO MORE...

The beauty of my relationship with myself is that I like the me I am today... I like the people in my life... I like the lover I have... I had no idea how important it was to really like the people in my life before...

I agree with Anonymous Slave... I made the best decisions in my life for who and what I was at that time... and I cannot live with regrets about the past... It has helped to mold me into the person I am today...

And the person I am today is free, freer than I have ever been before... The past molded me and allowed me to be ready for what has happened to me in the past year...

I would not change a thing... and I so very gladly accept the gifts life gives to me today...

Ooooh darlin'...you ask GOOD questions!

i'm with cellis on this one. If i could go back and change anything, i couldn't be where i am right now.

i'm glad i had a chance to do what i've done. Now that all of that is done with, again the world expands. i couldn't move forward to embrace all of the new possibilities if i hadn't already satisfied the appetites of the younger me.

Each stage of my life has been built upon the lessons i learned in the stage before. Go BACK? What i see on my horizon is perhaps the most interesting landscape ever, i'm goin' for it.

AnonymousSlave used the word that fits the way i've lived until now. Embrace. It takes a long time to learn how to accept and learn the lessons of the ugly and sad things in life, if i went back i'd have to go through that process again.

i've talked to 2 people who are about my age, who came to BDSM late in their lives, like me. The both said unequivocally that they had lost nearly all interest in sex, had nearly given it up as a lost cause. Then with the discovery of this "different way of loving" they were "reborn".

They both said this in almost the same words. i don't believe yet that it will be the same for me, but i gotta take a shot! i ain't goin' back one step.

i think it's a mood, one that recurs, geez...you've been to the "Blues" thread, you're not alone.

If you weren't into BDSM you'd have to blame the feelings on something else i bet. *g*

i don't know if we're helping you at all, but your question has inspired some really wise council.

i hope something bright appears on your horizon soon!

Ah, the old space/time continuum thing. As anyone who's watched any sci-fi knows, you can't go back and do things over. You'd make the same decision all over again with the same experience. Making mistakes is how we grow. And it's how we get to where we are. Make the best of that place, and it's most often not so bad.

And I am not sure, but I think if you try going back with the knowledge you have now and try to pass yourself off as your earlier self and inadvertantly bump into that earlier self, the world will implode and Girl Scout cookies won't exist anymore. We can't have that.

MissTaken said:

Do you ever find yourself in a frame of mind wherein you wish you could turn back the clock?

Perhaps, take time back to a point before you discovered BDSM and make a different choice?

I have periods of time wherein I feel like I may have made a mistake. When this happens, I don't feel like I know who I am or what I want.

I even tried to leave the lifestyle for a bit, but it didn't last long.

Are these "moods", for lack of a better word, unusual?

Please, tell.

Miss T

Click to expand...

feel free to change

If your wondering is particularly focussed on BDSM, and whether it was the right thing for you.......maybe you need to explore this feeling of uncertainty...maybe there is a bit of you that has not yet seen the light and is nudging you in the back of your mind...

You can't turn back the clock, and regrets just stir up pain...but wondering if you made a mistake might be a prompt to open yourself to something new....

You said you tried to leave the BDSM lifestyle before but it didn't last long.. what was it brought you back? Was it familiarity? Or did you embrace it again after a needed break?
I'd say, if you feel you're missing something, don't waste any time - go after that and explore once more. The thing with bits of you that haven't been allowed to breathe is that you don't even know what they are or what they might feel like!!! But life has a funny way of throwing opportunities and clues up when you need them - all you have to do is open your mind to the possibility of a new perspective, and look out for coincidences and where you feel drawn....
The universe loves you, MissTaken!! Don't be afraid to change if you want to ....

much love and metta,
arcticfox

Well, thank you all for your candid responses.

As far as what I would change, I am not always sure what that is. There are, for certain, times that I feel some sense of sadness and frustration with regard to BDSM. It would also be true to say that part of this frustration is that it is nearly, no it is impossible to meet anyone in my immediate vicinity who is into the lifestyle. It can feel as if one needs something that one can never have.

Sometimes, never having found BDSM seems as though it would have been an easier existance. ON the other hand, all of my nilla relationships were sadly lacking.

Hmmmm.....

I do agree and appreciate those that pointed out that my experiences helped to make me who I am....the good and the bad. I like to believe it is mostly good.

Whoa! Does THAT hit home...

Now i feel i'm tuning in on the "mood" that's been plaguing you.

"it is nearly,no it is impossible to meet anyone in my immediate vicinity who is into the lifestyle. It can feel as if one needs something that one can never have."

That's a page straight from my own journal. Of course, we have had several conversations on the subject. Conversation seems to be easier when you're "sitting in the same boat". *g*

All i can say is that now, for some reason, the entrance of BDSM thought into my life has given me some kind of hope, where there was none before.

As you said, "my nilla relationships were sadly lacking." That i remember. Up until now i never had a glimmer of what was lacking.

So many angels with broken wings. We should start a club. Hey! We HAVE!

At least we can have a little good company with our misery.

Ohh I am not miserable, Blue. NOt now, anyway....

it is simply there are times wherein I engage in deep introspection and then, yes, become a bit down about the whole thing.

Today is not one of those days....simply wondering how much of this is normal? (I hate the word normal....but there you have it.)

If I could go back and change something ...

... I woudn't, simply because even today, being much the wiser I am fully standing behind each decision I made(at least the major ones, I wouldn't maybe have bought that expensive leather costume I never wore in the end ;-) )

Seriously, I am such a happy person where I am now, no, no changesf for me, thanks, but no thanks.,

I have thought a bit more about this thread. Again. I am NOT blue, sad or upset....but there are times.

I think that sometimes, BDSM conflicts so much with my real life that it causes some confusion.

A single mom.
A social worker.
A "pillar" in the community.

Then, when the sun goes down, the door is closed, the kids are gone......


Perhaps, it is the risk of being found out?
Perhaps the risk of being found out is part of the excitement?

Just a few random thoughts.

Miss T... I really love that new av!!!

Thank you, cellis!

I am feeling rather sassy today.

Perhaps it's because I'm a rebellious teen; this is my first year away from home; I'm experimental and crazy and drunk on my own freedom; but I have no shame in my sexuality, even/especially the BDSM aspect of it. I've thought about it. Well, really, I was forced to think about it: am I going to sit here and endure the condemnation of my mom and peers who believe that I live in sin? (They don't know the half of it!) No, instead I chose to believe that my sexuality is not a sin. Will I be comfortable wearing a collar to work? (Well, unless I work at QVC, per my mother's wishes.) I don't see it as being anything but pride in my openness and my whole-hearted acceptance of my nature.

I've said it before: they only have as much power over you as you let them. Would you lessen yourself so that you don't blush when confronted by a million anonymous faces? It's a personal call, and sometimes it's a tougher call than others. Would I go back and shelter myself even more (if that's physically possible) so that I somehow concealed my subbieness from myself? Goodness no. And once I realized I had it, there was no way I wasn't going to express it.

Would I change anything else in my life? No. I love being alive. Even though this thread made me pensive, I am so utterly happy in my life, as it is, with semi-dominant hunny and amorphous ideas for my chain story and pressure from finals and seeing my mom next week. Life is such a beautiful thing. I couldn't bear to consciously diminish it in any way.

MissTaken said:

Thank you, cellis!

I am feeling rather sassy today.

Click to expand...

Sheesh! Topping from the bottom, as usual...

Jimi6996 said:

Sheesh! Topping from the bottom, as usual...

Click to expand...

I almost have to you, with you, dear.

Didn't I tie my own wrists until I told you to finish the job?

MissTaken said:

I almost have to you, with you, dear.

Didn't I tie my own wrists until I told you to finish the job?

Click to expand...

Of course, a GOOD subbie always does as she is requested to do...

I have made mistakes I wouldn't replicate, and I hope that I"ve learned my lesson from them. I have suffered at the hands of others' mistakes, and I wouldn't choose to go back there.

However, I don't regret where and who I've been.

Yes. We are who we are as a result of our experiences. I realize I said that earlier in the thread.

However, we learn from our mistakes and they are a critical piece in terms of the people we become.

Cute ava, MT. I know I've already posted, but I have quite enjoyed everyone's words. It's easy to think occasionaly, that I am the only person in the world who wonders..."What if??" I am glad to see that others go through the same things....it's easy to say.."Yeah, I'm not the only one"...but it doesn't help much when I am sitting at home, wondering if I should just give it up... wondering why I keep trying, and have found no one for the past 5 years, with whom to share my Dominance with...a sub/slave who is right for me. But to have the evidence pressed to my eyes, daring me to disbelieve it...I no longer feel alone with this. No, I wouldn't change who I am, nor the decisions I have made...

Thank you all for responding......I know I didn't start this thread, but thank you....ty MT for starting it.


KW

Though not without excitement, especially in earlier times, my life has been fairly placid until the last handful of years. In these last years, the basic structure of my life and my view of who i am and what i can be have been challenged and tested in a severe manner.

Internally, where it most counts, i'm no longer the woman i was seven years ago. I've undergone an almost complete metamorphosis with regard to my view of myself. There's a visible outward component, of course, but most of the change has happened in places it doesn't show.

Changing so completely has been painful, and is still painful on an almost daily basis, but necessary. One cannot stay the same as one's life moves forward, cannot remain still and cling to the familiar, not forever.

We grow and change.
We make the best decisions we can as life hurls stuff our way.
We try to be good people in the middle of it.
We make apologies where they're needed and accept them when they're offered to us.

To be alive is to change, and there's no going back for do-over's, either. That's unfortunate. Like everyone, i have a few regrets and a few memories that i look back on without a smile. I think there may be a few more ill-considered moments before my turn is over, too. So goes Life.

We are who we are today due to the choices we've made in our past. If one doesn't like today, then one gets tomorrow in which to make the alterations that are necessary, not yesterday.




(Am i making any sense? I can't sleep even though i'm way tired, so...i've come here to spew mawkish and jejune philosophy at y'all. Sorry. )

"mawkish and jejune philosophy"? Hardly!

Too bad that the "arms of Morpheus" refuse to embrace you luv. But that was a slice of Heaven.

i can relate to the "pain" of changing, but for me it's been worth the suffering. Learning is always a bit painful. It seems to be an immutable rule.

To know what you know, (and your wisdom shines like the sun) must have cost you a lot.

i'm so glad you let us all drink at the fountain you've become.

May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Blue?
You're an exceptional person.
You're the epitome of what's best and right about the net, you know?

Here, our thoughts can wind sinuously around and through and between the thoughts of someone we'd never have met had we turned time back to 1979 and redid that terrible decision which lead to that other thing that, in turn, became the basis on which...

In our normal, day-to-day lives, our words follow our thoughts. Our words, however, are duty bound to adhere to the dictums laid down by society with regard to opening up to new people we meet. Our words are often stilted and social.

Here, we meet mind to mind. Here, the purity of our thoughts AND our words have the unmitigated luxury of flinging aside most of the "normal" social conventions. They're replaced by...communication, and it's communication stripped of the awkward social dance that face-to-face conversation with someone new inherently includes. This kind of communnication is pure. It's joyful. It's anticipatory.

I remind myself all the time that i'm very fortunate to be living in these times from a technological perspective, and to possess some (perhaps rudimentary) computer skills, and to be able to afford a computer and the access, and to have had the education i did which enables me to offer my thoughts here, like this, in a somewhat coherent fashion, and...and...and...

Well, maybe not all that coherently.