Subs What Do You Expect When Meeting a New Dom/me?

It occured to me that there are several things that I would expect from a Dom/me if I were in negotiations with them.

I would want things like references.

I would want a checklist of their experiences and expect them to ask for mine.

I was just wondering what else people expect or do when they are interviewing a new Dom/me.

When meeting...

I have never asked for references. And I typically have already been in "negotiation" with them concerning our preferences via e-mail and chat. Each of our taboo lists would have already been discussed as well.

What I expect when meeting is:

Learning firsthand about his sense of humor
Learning how courteous he is
Discovering his mannerisms
Learning if he butchers English
Learning how he responds to me
Watching to see if he is comfortable in a bookstore
I watch to see how many liberties he takes for granted with me and what respect he shows.

I typically meet in a bookstore/coffee shop (Yes, Cellis, you know my fave one) and I like to see what kinds of books are looked at by my potential lover.

I am not meeting to take on just a single episode fuck-player. I meet with consideration of a new lover and friend. There is a relationship there (regardless of its focus).

Oh yeah, I also watch to see what pressure will occur from him for us to play THAT day. (When pressured, I tend to assume the guy is an asshole who is fucking around on his wife.)

(HINT: If for some reason I am out with you as a potential SM lover and I begin ordering double-shot drinks. This is a sign of what I am needing to tolerate you. And it is a distinct indication of the liklihood of you EVER getting anywhere close to my panties! Yes, believe it or not, one guy I went out with {we met in Kemah} who had stated that he was single and without a partner began discussing his wife AND girlfriend AND pregnancy and nonconsentual-torture scenes. I think I followed my margarita with 2 double shots of straight tequila.
After meeting that creep-ola, I feel that it is not unwise to get a couple of drinks into the guy to loosen his toungue and see if his "honesty" changes any.)

Oh BG... you are too funny...

If I am ever in the market for a new Dom, I'm going to make sure I take you with me....

By the time I meet a new Dom, I already have a fairly good idea concerning his tastes, likes/dislikes, wants, dreams and desires. I generally have a good idea concerning his background and have a "feel" for who he is.

So, when I meet him, I expect to get together over coffee or some other low key social sort of thing and just visit, chat, get to know one another in real time.

I expect honest and communication throughout the relationship.

I expect there to be a few tense moments, then either W/we relax and enjoy one another's company, or we part our separate ways.

When a Dom says, "What time are you going to make your safe call?" I know we are on the same page.

Just babbling thoughts.....I may add more later.

references

I expect nothing, but then again I've not gone out and met any yet.

I would assume that I would do all of the above and see if there is that "click" needed for me, irregardless of why I was meeting a man.

But does one need to do all of that every time?

lovetoread said:

I expect nothing, but then again I've not gone out and met any yet.

I would assume that I would do all of the above and see if there is that "click" needed for me, irregardless of why I was meeting a man.

But does one need to do all of that every time?

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LTR...

I don't know if one needs to do all of that every time... I really think it depends on how well you know someone... were they recommended to you... had you met them previously...

However, just myself, if it were someone I was meeting for the first time and I knew only what they had told me... then yes... I would arrange a safe call... I would meet them somewhere safe... I would not put myself in jeopardy just to meet a new person.

cellis said:

It occured to me that there are several things that I would expect from a Dom/me if I were in negotiations with them.

I would want things like references.

I would want a checklist of their experiences and expect them to ask for mine.

I was just wondering what else people expect or do when they are interviewing a new Dom/me.

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I never give references. If they want references, let them go look for a job. Or better yet, hire someone for one.

Eb

About references, are we talking about from former partners?

I mean if that is so, wouldnt there be a chance to hear from someone who just plain doesnt like the person anymore, thus making him sound bad?

lovetoread said:

About references, are we talking about from former partners?

I mean if that is so, wouldnt there be a chance to hear from someone who just plain doesnt like the person anymore, thus making him sound bad?

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I think that getting references takes a poor second to taking the time to go slowly and get to know the person, before dropping to your knees.

It also works for vanilla entanglements too. Do you ask for references when looking for a husband, or wife, or girlfriend? Maybe one should, but it is highly unlikely you will try.

Eb <whatever floats your boat>

Dont look at me, I no longer float a boat.

I was just curious. Until the post above, I never heard of getting references before. I plan on a heck of alot more interaction before ever going into another relationship.

Well, references could also mean "common friends". Not so much previous lovers or anything, but rather just a person that can voucher for you and someone to let them know that you aren't going to cut their head off and do nasty things to it. Now, obviously this concept would not work too well on the internet. I think the idea came from "dating/partnering" within your local munch group. Just a thought.

PBW "My damn boat sank... crap"

Safe calls

are wonderful. I am a Domme and I use them. And when meeting anyone new, it should be a requirement.

But this is nothing new. I have always made sure that at least one person knows where I am going, and who I will be with. It does not matter whether it be vanilla, or D/s vacation or whatever, it is a good practice to let someone know where you are.

Eb

P. B. Walker said:

Well, references could also mean "common friends". Not so much previous lovers or anything, but rather just a person that can voucher for you and someone to let them know that you aren't going to cut their head off and do nasty things to it. Now, obviously this concept would not work too well on the internet. I think the idea came from "dating/partnering" within your local munch group. Just a thought.

PBW "My damn boat sank... crap"

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I have yet to have a situation in D/s where there were "common friends". Most people keep their lifestyle activities very quiet.

Eb

Ebonyfire said:

I have yet to have a situation in D/s where there were "common friends". Most people keep their lifestyle activities very quiet.

Eb

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Yeah exactly, which is why I can't imagine this concept working on the internet or personal ads. Possibly in a munch group type setting... but then... I've never been to one. So I could be full of it.

PBW

In the two situations where I was going to meet someone face to face for the first time and play might take place - I admit I did not ask for references or fill out extensive play lists, or have a safe call.

The first was with a pro Domme. But I did do alot of internet research on her first and spoke to her on the telephone. Not just her website, but searches on the web and she was all over it. I had a fairly good idea that she was professional and highly regarded.

The second was with my Domme who I met through the internet. But by the time we actually met it had been nearly a year of daily contact online and the phone, and I was quite sure she was not a psycho killer. The only thing I did was give my family her name, address and home phone number, so they knew where I was and had my cellphone available.

Anyone else I met in "r/l" first and the relationship progressed face to face as any other one would - but we still didn't do safe calls or formal play lists.

Not to say they are bad or unnecessary things at all - I've just never found myself using them yet.

P. B. Walker said:

Yeah exactly, which is why I can't imagine this concept working on the internet or personal ads. Possibly in a munch group type setting... but then... I've never been to one. So I could be full of it.

PBW

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I think that it could work in a munch situation. Cause if you attend over time, you can have a close knit family kind of situation.

Also, I have found that having a mentor (Dom/me or sub) works too.

Does anyone have any experience in this area?

BTW, cellis this is a great thread, gets you to thinking about the basics. Not a bad thing.

Eb

Ebonyfire said:

I think that it could work in a munch situation. Cause if you attend over time, you can have a close knit family kind of situation.

Also, I have found that having a mentor (Dom/me or sub) works too.

Does anyone have any experience in this area?

BTW, cellis this is a great thread, gets you to thinking about the basics. Not a bad thing.

Eb

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OK. It can work online. I am the exception to the rule. I am currently seeing someone who had been seeing a friend of mine before. We met online but I was quite comfortable when it transitioned to real life because he hadn't injured my friend and I felt reasonably safe that he wouldn't do anything weird to me (unless, of course, I asked for it ).

Desdemona said:

OK. It can work online. I am the exception to the rule. I am currently seeing someone who had been seeing a friend of mine before. We met online but I was quite comfortable when it transitioned to real life because he hadn't injured my friend and I felt reasonably safe that he wouldn't do anything weird to me (unless, of course, I asked for it ).

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Desssssssssssssssssssssss, glad to "see" you!

Eb

I'm glad to be seen. I've been sorta tied up lately.

Desdemona said:

I'm glad to be seen. I've been sorta tied up lately.

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And that is a good thing, I bet!

Eb

Ebonyfire said:

And that is a good thing, I bet!

Eb

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I've missed chatting my friend. I'll be back around after this weekend I hope.

Desdemona said:

I've missed chatting my friend. I'll be back around after this weekend I hope.

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Enjoy, have fun, I know I understand. My activities are confined to the weekends mostly, so I can play online this week.

Eb

cellis said:

It occured to me that there are several things that I would expect from a Dom/me if I were in negotiations with them.

I would want things like references.

I would want a checklist of their experiences and expect them to ask for mine.

I was just wondering what else people expect or do when they are interviewing a new Dom/me.

Click to expand...

First, there must be that little thing called "chemistry". I've met several Doms, a few of which wanted to take things further, but the chemistry just wasn't there for me. No chemistry, no play.

Common kinks and boundaries. I feel uncomfortable with a Dom who, when I state a hard limit, says he's enjoyed it before but won't do it with me. Makes me feel as though he might pressure or push later, or that I might not be what he is looking for in the long term.

We must have common interests outside of the bedroom. I'm looking for a Dom to be in a relationship with. Therefore, we would need to get along well with each other in other aspects of life.

I would never expect to play the first time I meet some one. Ever. Not even the second time, and probably not the third time, as well. I need to talk and feel comfortable around some one first.

As to references, I don't understand them. I mean, if I'm looking for a job and need references, I'm obviously going to get them only from folks who will say good things. Does anyone ever get a bad reference to show some one? It just doesn't make sense to me, but then, I haven't been actively searching all that long, either.

Re: Re: Subs What Do You Expect When Meeting a New Dom/me?

Ebonyfire said:

I never give references. If they want references, let them go look for a job. Or better yet, hire someone for one.

Eb

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fuckin a right