3 am first story beginings

Been reading alot of the stories around here for a while now, and last night, for god only knows what reason, I started writing this story at 3am. Today it seems like something I must have been wasted to do(I wasn't), but that I could still continue. Do you people think it's good enough to work on?
Tell me what you think.

aaaaah....romance.

Seriously, I really dig it so far. I wish it was longer. I like how you've taken a lot of what might be otherwise simply footnoes and curled them together into a cohesive 'scene', as it were. In other stories, the social outcast or the musician or the cat lover or the longing for love might be a single element, but the way you've taken them togther not only adds a lot of diverse and neat elements, but creates an interesting character on it's own.

I would definitely want to read more of this one. I'd *really* like to read more (a *lot* more) about the confronations this guy has with people in the grove just so I could learn more about him and more about sarah. I'd add some scenes in before where you've stopped. The first time he talks to her. The first time he plays music for her. The first time he gets to hug/scratch/massage her. The first time he hears about the other guy. A few ideas. It would make it a longer story, but it would certainly make me happy. Overall, a great start, showing some definite promise, in my book.

-I

ah...dialoge. The thing I most dread as a writer. Well, I do admit it would make it much better, and so I think I will keep up my work on it. Thanks for the input, It gave me a boost.

Keep at it!

Yes, you should finish it. Those late-night fits of sentimentality (we all have them, I think) can lead to some wonderful things. If I had a dollar for every time I woke up and looked at the computer screen, going,"This is crap. What was I on?!"...

I haven't critiqued much yet, but I'll give this a shot.

First, your concept is good. Some of the imagery is really nice. But it's got major problems that should be cleaned up before you continue. It might help point you in the right direction for the rest of the story.

First, you have some problems with grammar and spelling. Second, your thoughts are all over the place without much continuity, and you've got a really cool central theme that you aren't exploiting fully: cats.

In the first paragraph, you hook us with, "There was just something about that girl..." and then trip over to your shy nature and love of felines (don't be afraid to expound on that more- it'll make the part when you're getting to know the girl more effective) before you tie it back in to the girl. This is just an idea, but maybe the first paragraphs could read more like this (forgive me as I'm going to take some license with your wording, as well):

"I've always loved cats. You could even say I have a singular kinship with them that's much stronger than I ever had with my fellow human beings. I've even learned how to mew so well that actual felines are fooled into answering my calls.

Now, I'm aware of how unusual that is, and always thought it would remain simply a strange trait of my own. I never imagined I would use it as a sign of affection and love.

And then she came along.

There was just something about that girl. Something that wasn't supposed to happen to a shy guy like me who stayed in corners. She showed me something I thought I'd never see- a place for me in the world.

High school was over, and standing in my dorm room on the first day of college, I had to wonder where it went, and how the hell I was going to find my place here. College was a social beehive full of hormonal people I couldn't relate to, and wasn't even sure I wanted to. I was just some scrawny, shut-in, guitar-playing band member wannabe who may just as well have lived in a box for the first nineteen years of life. I could have counted the people I considered to be my real friends on the parts of my crotch, and still had one bit unaccounted for. And for someone who’s both as awkward and picky as I am, romance seemed out of the question.

But I had to face it- I intensely lonesome. I had even been reading erotic stories for several months in an attempt to prevent myself from going nuts, but it was a poor substitute for the real thing. I wanted a person, not a computer screen.

I craved all the things that went along with making love more than the act itself. I could forgo sex if I just had love. I suppose I'm strange that way. To give pleasure, physical and emotional, was most important. To receive it in turn would simply be a bonus. I longed for a loving relationship, sweet embraces and kisses of joy, the happiness of being wanted by that special person you revere. To feel warm, tender flesh against me as my mind drifted blissfully to sleep. I yearned for love more than mere sex.

I had neither.

That first night, lying alone in the dark in strange new surroundings, bitterness overwhelmed me. My arms were achingly empty, longing for that embrace I wanted so badly.

But who here would ever notice me?"



I omitted things here and there that you probably don't want to get rid of, and added stuff you might not care for. But you see where I'm going? The important thing at this point is to draw your ideas into a better flow.

I also agree with Impetus that more about the first interactions with the girl would be nice.

This is a story worth telling. It's also one, romantic that I am, that I would love to see completed. You accomplished what you set out to do in that the reader is curious about you, this girl, and the situation.

If you complete the story and decide to put it up, run it by one of the volunteer editors first. They can help with further criticisms and point out where you are making grammar/spelling errors as well.

Thanks much for the input Route66girl. I was actually wanting to go somewhere along those lines, and I liked alot of your suggestions. I wasn't really thinking of going so much into the feline aspect, as I wanted the mewing/purring to be something both of the main charachters thought were romantic/sexy/a turn on. Now that I think about it though, It could make the eventual sex scence a bit more interesting if I did it right. I think I'm going to try and develop the people in the grove a bit more, and go into more depth about the guy, Perhaps with the first few paragraphs telling some more about him, then revealing more and more about the girl through various noteable conversations and interactions. I honestly hadn't put much thought into ever writing an erotic story, but now that I started one, I think It's going to be a fun project in my spare time. Perhaps an update in a few days.

Glad you found my advice useful! I look forward to seeing your updated version.

well, here's the update. I changed all the bits Route66Girl talked about, and added a good bit to the beginning and end. I figure I'll write this story pieces at a time and get feedback on each new section, getting it to a satisfactory level before moving on the the next section. That way I can improve my writing as I make each new section, Hopefully to the point where I don't need to do quite as much revision. Next I'll try and tackle the interactions between him and the sarah. thanks for your input