Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

Did your sub ever used a safeword? It happened to me twice. The first time it was because he had a cramp, the second time was when I read his (some one else) reactions wrong.

Talk about falling from a high building; those were some of the most shocking things I've ever lived through.
The first time wasn't that bad, but the second one, I felt guilty, unable to be a good Domme and downright awful. It took me a while to recover. It was important for me to experience those feelings, I learned a lot about myself and as a result I feel that I've become a better Domme because of it.

Monika

My experiences...

My first sub never used his though he had the basic ones Red, yellow, green.

I use yellow as a pause, usually for discussion, so I can get information from him.

My current US sub, karl used yellow once to so that we could exchange information about the play we were involved in.

I attribute this to the fact that I question my subs so extensively before playing, and I require them to complete the BDSM Checklist as part of their interview process.

In short, we know each other rather well, so it is just a matter of watching his body language very closely.

Ebony

Frouwa_Aph said:

Did your sub ever used a safeword? It happened to me twice. The first time it was because he had a cramp, the second time was when I read his (some one else) reactions wrong.

Talk about falling from a high building; those were some of the most shocking things I've ever lived through.
The first time wasn't that bad, but the second one, I felt guilty, unable to be a good Domme and downright awful. It took me a while to recover. It was important for me to experience those feelings, I learned a lot about myself and as a result I feel that I've become a better Domme because of it.

Monika

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I had not considered that perspective, that a Domme would feel that they had failed of transgressed if their submissive used a safword. That is food for thought. Thank you for posting it.

Re: Re: Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

CarolineOh said:

I had not considered that perspective, that a Domme would feel that they had failed of transgressed if their submissive used a safword. That is food for thought. Thank you for posting it.

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That surprised me too! I look at it differently. I feel it means that the dominant has succeeded in instilling the importance giving her/him open and honest feedback necessary for a good D/s experience.

Ebony

Re: Re: Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

CarolineOh said:

I had not considered that perspective, that a Domme would feel that they had failed of transgressed if their submissive used a safword. That is food for thought. Thank you for posting it.

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Some of us are perfectionists, some of us are recovering perfectionists, and playing is one of the times we are absolutely responsible to another person. Hearing the safeword is, indeed a signal that we've fouled up somehow. (I'm not counting Yellows for cramps, or as BlondGirl so beautifully put it in another thread, a case of Snot Nose.) If we expect to be flawless, then yes it hurts. It also makes us feel like we've abused somone's trust. It's painful.

It's also absolutely necessary that they be used when needed. Caveat to all who read this post: If you need it, use your damn safeword! Don't worry about a Dom(me)'s feelings. We'll be happier knowing our play partners are not feeling (or being, however unintentionally) abused, than finding out later we've brutalized someone.

'Course, that's just my Switch $0.02.

Re: Re: Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

CarolineOh said:

I had not considered that perspective, that a Domme would feel that they had failed of transgressed if their submissive used a safword. That is food for thought. Thank you for posting it.

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As a Dominant I always felt I had screwed up if my submissive used her safeword. I feel it is my duty to handle the situation in such a way that she never needed to use it. As a submissive, I only safeworded once that I recall, and that was because of a health issue unrelated to what we were doing. Reflecting back, there were times i should have, but was too stuborn to admit it.

Re: Re: Re: Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

SpectreT said:

Some of us are perfectionists, some of us are recovering perfectionists, and playing is one of the times we are absolutely responsible to another person. Hearing the safeword is, indeed a signal that we've fouled up somehow. (I'm not counting Yellows for cramps, or as BlondGirl so beautifully put it in another thread, a case of Snot Nose.) If we expect to be flawless, then yes it hurts. It also makes us feel like we've abused somone's trust. It's painful.

It's also absolutely necessary that they be used when needed. Caveat to all who read this post: If you need it, use your damn safeword! Don't worry about a Dom(me)'s feelings. We'll be happier knowing our play partners are not feeling (or being, however unintentionally) abused, than finding out later we've brutalized someone.

'Course, that's just my Switch $0.02.

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Very excellent advice, SpectreT

My slave has used a safe word once in three years. I was shocked by the intensity that he was overcome with even though the moment was in no way physical or harmful in My opinion. I immediately stopped the scene and took his head onto My knee and told him that W/we would discuss it later.
I had another Dominant Woman visiting at the time. I held him in safety at My feet for the rest of the evening. Occassionally reassuring him with My fingers in his hair.
When W/we were alone I asked what had caused him to use the safe word and through his tears he explained that the scene I was asking of him crossed his bounderies in an artsitic way.
I told him that I was proud of him for standing up to his needs and pride and made it clear that I would keep this artistic vulerbility always in the forefront of My mind. his pain in causing Me disappointment was hard for Me to watch but My pride in his honesty and his courage to safe word out of a moment that was causing him emotional harm made Me the proudest Mistress in the world. It was a confirmation of My training of him.

Always

I have always reviewed before play the safe words JUST in case and so that there is no misunderstandings later. For a sub to grow and learn from a Master, the Master must make the sub learn to trust and communicate in him and at all times feel protected by him/her.

.

oops.

I do not allow "safe" words. Being the one trusted, the one "in tune" it is not needed. I know when I am going to far. When you achieve complete trust, safe words are not needed.

SempreAngela
<font=sarcasm>WOW you got telepatic abilities?</font>

James
Our feelings correspond here, a safe word brings a scene to an abrupt stop and that's not always easy to handle. Am I a perfectionist? Perhaps, yes. I want my sub to experience "good" things and when he uses the safeword I have failed (in a way). But SpectreT is absolutely right, it's better for a sub to use the word, than toughing it out.
I always review the words with a sub, esp. with a newer one. Like fallon2 said... JUST in case...

Monika

I wouldn't play with someone new to me, even with someone i knew fairly well, without a safe word.

I just wouldn't.

My pain tolerances change, sometimes even in scene, Something agreed-to ahead of time might become unbearable all of a sudden, you know?

Last October, MS and i were playing. We'd done a lot of piercing play, as some of you know. We had this big scene all set up, a piercing scene that would contain multiple piercings, all of them in places that i'd been peirced before. It was something we'd both looked forward to for months.

He began.
It hurt.
It HURT!
It GODDAM FUCKING HURT!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed. SCREAMED my stop word, a word i'd never used in all time we'd been together.

He stopped.
He unbound me.
Quickly we put all the leather and chain away cuz we were expecting the cops - that's how loudly i'd screamed.

Why did it hurt that time when it never did before?

I don't know, not for sure, but i'm glad he stopped, glad he didn't think he could keep going cuz he knew what was right and best for me more than i did.

No safe word: no play.
For me, anyway.

SempreAngela said:

I do not allow "safe" words. Being the one trusted, the one "in tune" it is not needed. I know when I am going to far. When you achieve complete trust, safe words are not needed.

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Oh, good God, no.

Just...no.

There are so many risks and dangers inherent in this attitude, it makes my head spin just trying to think about it.

I'm sure you're a perfectly nice person, Angela, but I couldn't possible disagree with you more.

I am still only in the "educating myself" stage about this, but as a Dominant-to-be, I would not session without a safe word. Life so far has taught me that no matter what you think, reality can and often is different. Brilliantly unexpected things happen.

For me it would be a matter of pride that I cared enough to be absolutely certain that everything was as safe for my submissive as possible. Building that level of trust is difficult enough without having to worry about rebuilding it.

I cannot imagine playing without a safeword... and it has nothing to do with trust for me at this point... at least not trusting Himself...

I do not always know my own limits... Himself and I have talked about this at length... alot of this is because my limits change, as our relationship changes, evolves and grows...

He needs to be able to trust that I will use my safe words if he goes too far... pushes the limits too much...

I never really thought about the use of safewords as being a mutual thing... it is for my safety, my protection, but how can he keep me safe if I don't tell him... if I don't use the safe word...

Frouwa_Aph said:

Talk about falling from a high building; those were some of the most shocking things I've ever lived through.
The first time wasn't that bad, but the second one, I felt guilty, unable to be a good Domme and downright awful. It took me a while to recover. It was important for me to experience those feelings, I learned a lot about myself and as a result I feel that I've become a better Domme because of it.

Monika

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Thank you for sharing this. I have felt the same way.....oh........ Hello, I'm Kes, a recovering perfectionist I have felt that drop, but I've also felt the exhiliration of my little one trusting me enough to use their safeword. Trusting me to stop, or slow the scene/sensation. It's hard, to feel you've failed, but it's good you learned from it, Huzzah!

Happy learning, be well, be safe, be happy all!

KestralWolfe

Frouwa_Aph said:

SempreAngela
<font=sarcasm>WOW you got telepatic abilities?</font>

James
Our feelings correspond here, a safe word brings a scene to an abrupt stop and that's not always easy to handle. Am I a perfectionist? Perhaps, yes. I want my sub to experience "good" things and when he uses the safeword I have failed (in a way). But SpectreT is absolutely right, it's better for a sub to use the word, than toughing it out.
I always review the words with a sub, esp. with a newer one. Like fallon2 said... JUST in case...

Monika

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Agreed, Ms Monika. The damage to a dominant's ego is insignificant compared to possible real damage to their submissive. Dominants may like to pretend they do no wrong, but we all know just how human each of us is.

James Blandings said:

Agreed, Ms Monika. The damage to a dominant's ego is insignificant compared to possible real damage to their submissive. Dominants may like to pretend they do no wrong, but we all know just how human each of us is.

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I doubt that we're all aware of it, but it would be nice if everyone had a clue about that little tidbit, James.

cymbidia said:

No safe word: no play.
For me, anyway.

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It seems like the only way to fly, regardless of how much you trust the Dom.

SempreAngela said:

I do not allow "safe" words. Being the one trusted, the one "in tune" it is not needed. I know when I am going to far. When you achieve complete trust, safe words are not needed.

Click to expand...

yeah right - sorry for the flippant remark but I find this type of attitude offensive and dangerous. You are not telepathic as James pointed out, nor are humans always that predictable. I mean look at the number of times we mess up/misunderstand other peoples intentions and desires; For heavens sake half of our classical literature is based on this theme.

What really annoys me about this is that 'I do not allow safe words' do not allow someone you are beating up to say when they want you to stop!
sorry I woudln't play with anyone who had this attitude, my skin and my sanity are precious to me and if my play partners can't respect me as an individual with my own desires and pain then I don't respect them enough to let them play with me

(okay rant over)

A personal story of folly and trust.

Sometime during the first semester of college, I was feeling truly shitty. It was a full-blown "I can't do anything right, I'm worthless and pathetic and why the hell do I even bother?" mood, and it sucked. That wasn't foolish in itself; we all go through blue funks like that. What WAS incredibly foolish was that I felt like I needed to be punished, to drown my mental ouchies in physical torture. So I told hunny I wanted him to beat me. He blindfolded me and started going at it. 10 minutes later I'm sobbing hysterically, and finally yell our safe word. I was so stupid. Thank God I had somebody I loved and trusted there to help me put my pieces back together.

Another moral is that even though I trust him with my life, have and will again, I needed a safe word because I don't fully trust myself sometimes. If I tell him I want something that he doesn't know is really NOT the best thing for me at the time, it's up to me to call it off when I realize what a damaging thing I'm doing to myself. Safe words are necessary.

hope no one minds if i flip this around a bit....

ok, i have a question, and i thought maybe i could use this thread to ask it....

today i was playing with my Dom, and i had to "yellow" out... i was very sore, from playing with him yesterday, but he wanted to play today also, so we started.... i was a crying mess, not because of the pain i was in.. i love what he does to and for me... but because i felt i had failed him.... he wanted to play, and i wasn't able to.... he hugged me and told me it was ok, that i had done extremely well, but in my mind, i failed... any other subs every feel this way???

Oh heck yes, sierra.
It's a very common reaction.

I've done the same thing, felt the same chill of being a failure somehow, of not being to my dom what s/he most wanted and needed, on numerous occasions.

As subs, we're focused on pleasing our dominant.
We're focused on being to them what they desire us to be when they desire us to be that thing - and in the manner they desire it from us.

If we cannot for some reason, if we fail (or what we see as a failing) to be that, do that, smell taste sound like that, whatever it is, then we've failed (so we feel) in our most basic obligation to our dominant: to be there for them, open ready and willing, physically and emotionally.

Not too long ago, sierra, i safeworded out - a red - of a scene in misery because i felt all wrong. My head wasn't in the play. We had issues we hadn't finished discussing and i was feeling like a whipping post. For me, for my needs, for my headspace, the energy flow was just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

Then i went from feeling like a whipping post to feeling like an abject failure in just the way you did.

My dom did the same as yours.
That's thier job.

Ours is to be honest.

Our job is to be completely open and honest with them, especially with regard to sceneing. At that time, we have to tell them when it doesn't feel good - for whatever the reason - so they don't hurt in a bad way. They would die if they hurt us in a bad way. They don't want to hurt us in a bad way. It's wrong for everyone involved to allow them to hurt us in bad way.

They only know if they're doing that, too, if they're hurting us in a bad way, if we tell them.

So you did well.
Better then well.
Your dom will likely have more trust in you, sierra, now that he knows he can trust you to be honest about your needs and feelings - and when it becomes bad hurt.

You did the right thing, darlin'.

cym, i'm sitting here, with tears in my eyes.... cuz i was so afraid that i was alone in this.... and to find out that i'm not, is such a relief.. i talked to him at length about what i was feeling, and he(he's a switch) told me that it was perfectly normal, what i was feeling, that he'd been there before... i thought he was just being kind to me, so i said as much... he told me that i'd better not be calling him a liar
to give you some insight as to what made this come about... yesterday, i was given my birthday spankings.. 35 of them.... but, he had wanted to take pics afterward.... which he failed to tell me, til my marks were starting to fade, so we did it again, later in the evening.... so i got the roughly 70 smacks, by different implements, plus some that we didn't even count... all within a 12 hour period, so, i was a bit sore... i felt fine this morning, ready to play, until the first smack with the whip... that's when i roared "Yellow, Yellow, for God's sakes, Yellow"... he immediately stopped of course, but that's when it all hit me.. the feeling that i had failed, after only 1 smack this morning....
sorry for the long post......