Getting to know someone: What do you want to know?

We have been talking about how to find a Dom/sub.

Now, tell me, what should one know about a Dom or sub before becoming involved?

What sorts of questions should be answered beyond the traditional, "Do you like <enter activitiy>?

What do you, personally, look for in a Dom or sub?

How do you know he/she has the potential to become someone important to you?


Ponder and discuss!

I am guessing it is probably going to vary from time to time, depending on whether you are loking for temporary or permanent.

But a list of questions and must knows are important. Things you must know before going further, and those you would like to know. Also things they must know too.
It is only fair to share what you like, and do not before hand.

Vague answer? Yes, because I was blessed to find her without even knowing I was looking.
I bet Cymbidia has a list.

I'd say a big one is "what ABSOLUTE limits do you have?" because that can set boundaries with which to work. Most subs have certain things that they absolutely won't do, some things that they'd rather not do, some things that they haven't done but secretly would like to be "forced" to do, and so on.

Finding out the absolute boundaries can be a good start for people to know if they'll be compatible in the long-term.

For example, if a submissive woman has strong negative feelings about anal sex due to something that happened in her past (or whatever other reasons) then she wouldn't likely be totally compatible with a dominant guy who was wildly into butt plugs and heavy duty ass-fucking.

1. Experience level ie. years in the lifestyle, number of longterm relationships, etc.

2. What are the expectations of the Dom/me or sub?

3. A comparison of the partner checklist ie. do we need/want the same things? What are the limits?

4. What's the definition of BDSM?
Will this be a D/s relationship? Will this be S&M play?

5. Will others be introduced into the relationship?

6. Why or have you had other BDSM relationships end?

There are many, many issues that need to be discussed prior to any physical involvement.

Of course i have a list of things i want to know about a person who might become a potential Dominant. We all have a list of things we want to know about someone with whom we might consider becoming sexually and emotionally intimate, don't we?

raindancer hit on a bunch of the stuff i think is important. It's all pretty commonsense stuff, really. It seems to me that you gotta be compatible as people before anything much of an intimate nature can begin to grow between you. Even if you're just looking for a quick hot wet no-strings scene with someone, you still gotta talk likes and dislikes, needs and wants, fears and dreads - you gotta be able to talk your limits, and listen to thiers.

You gotta be able to hear "no" and not have it crush you.

You gotta be able to say "no" and not have it be a reflection on how you feel about the other other person, only thier suggestion.

I like to do a lot of talking first and find out what kind of person they are. What did they want to be when they grew up? What happened to the dreams? What's thier favorite color? Why? What's a comfort food? Best vacation ever? Fantasies still unfulfilled? Fantasies that they don't really want to fulfill, just keep in thier brain, just to talk hot about? What's the wildest thing they ever did, sexually? Where do they see themselves in 5 years... doing what with whom, sexually, emotionally, career-wise?

I want to know who i'm inviting into my body, soul, heart, and life, you know? I don't like mean people or bad people or people who kick dogs and try to hit bunnies in the road. I don't want to play with unethical people. I'm distrustful of people over 35, let's say, who've never had any kinda long-term love relationship. I want to know if the person has substance abuse problems, for example, or anger management problems, or is still in love with someone else, or does not know how to love anyone, or simply doesn't have time for me in their life before i begin to mesh my life with theirs.

All that takes talking. It takes walking on the beach like any nilla in the world and just talking like people. It takes repeated exposures to each other. It takes time.

I honestly believe that if one takes the time that's necessary to develop the basic human relationship *BEFORE* you go into the sex part too hot and heavy, you'll be ahead of the game when it's time to take your clothing off.

And no, i am *not* celibate while i wait for MasterRightDom to appear out of the mists. You can fuck around and have a great time with people you aren't going to have a long term relationships with, you know, as long as you both know it's just for fun and orgasms. One can be an ethical slut.


(Disclaimer: The above only applies to the initiation of what is hopefully a close, loving, possibly permanent relationship, not play party or casual sex situations, or anything like that.)

Thanks all.....

And cym,

While your suggestions were great, you actually have me thinking about how I would answer those questions!

Geesh! I hate these self absorbed, introspective phases!



I just like to know everything. I am terrible at asking questions and usually believe that everything will be made clear through good conversation.

So, hopefully, I will have developed a nice scripted list of questions for hte next time I may need to get to know someone new!

Hmm... answers to "scripted questions" have misled me in the past. I mean, if there's a list of things you want to know, chances are it's similar to your potential's list -- increasing the possibility of a scripted answer. And to be honest, scripted answers are often not quite indicative of what you really want to know about someone. I mean, if I ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and he says, "The owner of a tropical bar," I have an answer, but I don't really know that much more about the person.

So I guess (aside from the common sense, "Have you been diagnosed with anything I should worry about?" type questions) I run more on intuition than much else. Well, I should say, I ought to run more on intuition than anything else. Too often I ignore it, and let myself get carried away by my own imagination.

Yes, Nemo,

You are absolutely correct. A scripted list of questions doesn't allow for creativity, casual flow of conversation or the build up of instincts and natural attraction.

I was recently asked, several times, "Do you have any questions for me?" And damned, if I wasnt' tongue tied!

I couldn't think of a single question even though I wanted to know everything about this person.

Hence, this thread.

I can't help but wonder, if I had asked more questions in the past, perhaps some unfortunate happenstances could have been averted. Hmmmm who knows?

Hey you

Ok......I found this thread and and and and

Yes Miss T we all get tongue tied.......
I remember the first radio talk show I was on......
it is a wonder I was ever asked back.....

A freind clued me....make a lit of three things you want to get accross and no matter what you are asked refer back to one of those three points......

Same thing here ... have a list of three things you want to know...........you ready for this.......about the real person.

Cym is right......get t oknow the person before worrying about there BDSM D/s experences...there limits

What would you want to know if you were only interested in them as a freind

Richard

*Bump*

Observation...

well, one of the things that really "hooked" me on getting involved with B was watching the way he interacts with other people.... he has a good-sized group of friends of both genders, many sexual orientations, etc. to whom he is very loyal and caring and open.

And, even more of a biggie, when I saw the way he was with his teenage kids- in my eyes, basically the perfect dominant personality, leading, guiding, tons of fun, strict and with well-defined expectations, but very very loving and taking time to get into their heads and figure out what they need- I was WAY hooked- just add in the wonderful kinky scenes, and that' s what I wanted.

Of course, I was at a point in my life where I wanted more than just an occasional kinky date (though for quite a while, that was my goal, and then my "what I am looking for" was different).

- justina

We are talking getting involved with a long term right?

Then I need to know...

Do they have a sense of humour? Can they laugh at themselves too? Or just at others?

Do they have a sense of beauty? Or do they only see the ugly when they look at a city street?

Do they have a sense of adventure? Or does everything have to be by the book and listed out ahead of time?

Can they do dishes, change a tire, flip the laundry, answer the phone and still have a smile on their face?

Can they lay under a tree, staring up at the sky and not speak?

Can they walk in the strong wind and not change course? Unless it is a wandering time.

Do they recognize those wandering times?

Is work all they care about? or do they leave it at the door, with all it's troubles, to find that in the morning the troubles have mostly drifted away.

Do they find my arms a haven, a secure and loving harbor in the stroms that toss and sweep the horizon, and I find theirs the same?

Does my world spin and sparkle when I think of their smile, their eyes, their laughter?

Can I not only laugh and smile with them, but cry and rage as they comfort me, and to know there may not always be a coherant answer.


Can they see I am human and have my faults but that I try and give it my best, but can be easily hurt by those that love me most.



After I see that, then I will think about the rest. Geesh, don't ask much do I?

Do you love me? Will you love me forever? Do you need me? Will you never leave me?

Just a little meatloaf for lunch. But seriously,

I think you need to know what makes them tick. Can I deal with a type A overachieving lawyer? Can I handle that she has twelve cats? I think you have to feel out more that a scripted checklist. How do I do that? I dunno - maybe that's why I'm alone.

It is so weird to read through these old threads and see my name in front of posts that I don't even remember writing! Heh, it's like I'm a different person than I was a year ago.

When I first started, one of the first questions I brought up were, 1) Do you smoke (cigs) and 2) Do you you illegal drugs. That's just to know a person's background even before beginning into the other questions, (relationships, experiences, likes, dislikes).

NemoAlia said:

It is so weird to read through these old threads and see my name in front of posts that I don't even remember writing! Heh, it's like I'm a different person than I was a year ago.

Click to expand...

I can identify in that although I may be the same person I was a year ago, my focus is a lot different now.

Eb

I am looking for what just ended... only different.