How Long?

I'm not sure if this has been asked already, and if it has, then I apologize. But here goes....

How long, on average, does a sub wait before engaging in a first session with a potential Dom? I know this can be based on a lot of different variables, but I'm just curious about those who post here.

As some may know, I've really only been involved in 1 D/s relationship. I would like to involved in another, and have been taking strides to meet potential men who might satisfy this desire. The problem is, my first and last Dom was a man who I had known in person for many years - we had first met when I was 19, then began a D/s relationship when I was 29. Needless to say, when we began the relationship I had already built up a lot of trust with this man, so moving into D/s was not that difficult for me.

Now, however, most of the men I've been meeting/talking to have been from the internet. I've been following the precautions (thank you, cym!!), but I am naturally a very cautious person. Giving myself in a "nilla" is difficult enough. Moving into a D/s relationship is something that has me extremely cautious. I've recently met a man who seems to be very compatible with my needs, and mine his. We've met, talked both in person and on the phone, and he seems on the up and up. He wants to continue in a relationship, though not necessarily D/s right away. Still, I know a part of me is holding back, and I know that it is my own cautiousness that is doing it. I also know that to fully enjoy a D/s relationship absolute trust must be the foundation, and that simply takes time.

So, how long does it take most subs to "know" that this person might be "the one"? And how long after meeting this person did you engage in a session?

This is one of the "it depends" questions.
I'm going with my gut feeling when it comes to taking a relationship from talking to acting. And in most cases I made the first move, because I'm a Domme, I guess.
Perhaps asking yourself these questions will help.

Do I feel comfortable with this guy? If yes, why? If no, why?

If you feel pushed by that potential Dom, tell him so and watch his reaction. A trustworthy person will understand, if he laughs at your feelings during this initial stage, well.. I'd personally would back off from that one.

To know if this person is right or not is something very personal and there are no rules. With some people it might take only a week, with others it might be months. Again, go from your feelings and ask yourself those hard "why?" questions.

Monika

So far I have only had 1 full blown and 1 partly experience where I have had the pleasure of Dominating a woman.

The partly one was after I had been visiting a couple for 2 weeks, and as a going away present I got to spank the woman in the couple a bit. Prior to the visit I had know and talked to them for about ½ a year, so I knew them pretty well.

The full blown one was a couple of weeks ago, with a D/s couple as well. I had meet the woman in the couple via the net, but for the first about ½ year, we didn't really talk about sex and sexual preferences, since she wasn't to comfortable about it. Then one night I by a mistake got a part of a message on ICQ that for sure wasn't intended to me, and from there on I got to know more and more about it.

She then visited me twice around christmas, and on one of these occations I also got to meet her boyfriend/Master as well for a bit as we waited for the train they were catching.

Then before I visited them, I had talked to him, and we had talked about maybe me Dominating her, and on my last evening there, things did evolve, and I got to play with her for quite a while. It was a great experience, and it was yet another eyeopener for me, since it made me more sure that I'm into the lifestyle, and would prefer a partner that is as well.

Basically what I try to say here, is that for me it's important to know the person I'm playing with, and that they thrust me as well, before anything happens. It also helps that I've spend time with them as well in real life first.

SexyChele..

I think it is all about what you are comfortable with.

Himself took time to know me as a person first, to know my body and my reactions, before we ever had a scene.

From the very beginning there was an attraction, but it wasn't love.

He understood that I had a problem with trust and was willing to do whatever he could to make me feel comfortable with him.

Gradually, I have come to trust him and he knows this and values my trust because he knows it is not lightly given. He knows too, that it is something we have worked on together.

It takes time to build a relationship, to develop the trust we have together.

I wish you luck...

re: waiting for the right time

Personally, I'd have to be quite comfortable having vanilla sex with a person before I would consider trusting them to be my sub. I'd want to know them really well and make sure there were no hidden landmines.

But I'm thinking of BDSM only in the context of a romantic relationship; but either way I think it should depend entirely on the comfort level of both people involved. If the thought of being completely vulnerable to this person makes you feel uncomfortable, I'd advise waiting. And talking about it with them, of course.

Lain

Re: re: waiting for the right time

Lain said:

Personally, I'd have to be quite comfortable having vanilla sex with a person before I would consider trusting them to be my sub. I'd want to know them really well and make sure there were no hidden landmines.

Click to expand...

While i have had a few BDSM relationships where nilla sex was something that came only long after our relationship to each other as Dom/me and sub was firmly and irrevocably established. We needed to know each other really well, to know each others needs and responses, to trust each other to be who and what we needed all the time, before entering the sometimes-confusing area of more-or-less nilla sexuality together.