By all appearances, I'm a normal guy. To those who know me personally, I'm the the one they all consider to be one of the "closest" friends. I'm the one they cal for advice or reassurance,I'm the one the girls cry to when something awful happens. To people who DON'T know me, say, strangers in a subway car, for example, I'm stoic and standoffish. I'm NOT the guy you'd think to start up a conversation with, although I notice people seem to be interested in me anyway (I'll get to my theory on that in a sec, I gotta set this thing up). I guess I appear to be a pretty stable, intelligent, sometimes-witty, sometimes-moody guy with a small, eclectic circle of friends and associates.
But you know, we never really know what goes on behind the closed doors of our friends' lives.
I'm a tall, fairly deent-looking guy, I get my share of attention from women when I enter a room. But the thing is, that attention means NOTHING to me, and no, I'm not gay. I'm scarred for life, is what I am. All throughout my younger life, I was repeatedly told I was "ugly". I can remember every single moment, I still feel that little sharp pang of hurt you get right in the center of your chest. Not so much family members--I wasn't so much called ugly there, but one evil aunt constantly told me I was an unwanted child (my grandparents raised me). I'd hear "ugly" from people on the street as I walked by with a group of friends. My "friends" would try to ignore it, or sometimes they'd laugh along with them. Several times as a teen I'd meet girls who would, at first, appear to be friendly (in one-on-one situations). But hemoment we were at school, or out around others in some social situation, the truth would come out. I rememer one girl in particular running away from me after I aproached her to say hi at a party (up to tha point, we had been "friends", even exchanged numbers). I swear to god, I have been called ugly so much that after awhile it stopped hurting. Don't get me wrong, it's done damage--but it stopped hurting, it's now just a huge scar that I'll always carry.
I've remained a virgin, even after I suddenly became "acceptable" and women began treating me kinder. I just wil not allow myself to get close to any woman who approaches me. I've been referred to as "handsome" now (I lost about 30 pounds a few years ago), I hear little comments made as I walk by, I get women trying to draw me into a "flirting match" out in public. I ignore it all. A cute Hispanic girl asks me the time, smiling, tossing her hair lightly. I tell her the time, give a polite smile, and Keep It Moving. I have a strong sexual appetite, I do the porn thing and all, but my heart won't allow me to participate in "life". ALL MY LIFE I was told a certain fact about myself. I have come to accept it, even though evidence is screaming at me that it's no longer a fact. And I also must say, I believe the only reason so many women seem to pay me so much atention--aside from my height--is the fact tht I'm the only man in the immediate vicinity who is paying them absolutley NO ATTENTION. I've heard you women are used to attention from men, and you are aware of any man within a 20 mile radius who is not looking at you.
Well, we're not all gay.
Some of us have been severely hurt to the point where we don't even consider ourselves a part of "this world". The things most of you take for granted--massages from your girlfriend, candlelight dinners--are alien to me (I actually tense up when a woman touches me--yes, I have hung out with females, kissed a few, things like that).
As each year passes, I grow more and more bored with this world, so I don't see myself worrying about growing old alone. I just wonder if I am the only person who has lived this sort of life, who has been so broken down by the past that you don't see a future.
Thanks for listening.
But you know, we never really know what goes on behind the closed doors of our friends' lives.
I'm a tall, fairly deent-looking guy, I get my share of attention from women when I enter a room. But the thing is, that attention means NOTHING to me, and no, I'm not gay. I'm scarred for life, is what I am. All throughout my younger life, I was repeatedly told I was "ugly". I can remember every single moment, I still feel that little sharp pang of hurt you get right in the center of your chest. Not so much family members--I wasn't so much called ugly there, but one evil aunt constantly told me I was an unwanted child (my grandparents raised me). I'd hear "ugly" from people on the street as I walked by with a group of friends. My "friends" would try to ignore it, or sometimes they'd laugh along with them. Several times as a teen I'd meet girls who would, at first, appear to be friendly (in one-on-one situations). But hemoment we were at school, or out around others in some social situation, the truth would come out. I rememer one girl in particular running away from me after I aproached her to say hi at a party (up to tha point, we had been "friends", even exchanged numbers). I swear to god, I have been called ugly so much that after awhile it stopped hurting. Don't get me wrong, it's done damage--but it stopped hurting, it's now just a huge scar that I'll always carry.
I've remained a virgin, even after I suddenly became "acceptable" and women began treating me kinder. I just wil not allow myself to get close to any woman who approaches me. I've been referred to as "handsome" now (I lost about 30 pounds a few years ago), I hear little comments made as I walk by, I get women trying to draw me into a "flirting match" out in public. I ignore it all. A cute Hispanic girl asks me the time, smiling, tossing her hair lightly. I tell her the time, give a polite smile, and Keep It Moving. I have a strong sexual appetite, I do the porn thing and all, but my heart won't allow me to participate in "life". ALL MY LIFE I was told a certain fact about myself. I have come to accept it, even though evidence is screaming at me that it's no longer a fact. And I also must say, I believe the only reason so many women seem to pay me so much atention--aside from my height--is the fact tht I'm the only man in the immediate vicinity who is paying them absolutley NO ATTENTION. I've heard you women are used to attention from men, and you are aware of any man within a 20 mile radius who is not looking at you.
Well, we're not all gay.
Some of us have been severely hurt to the point where we don't even consider ourselves a part of "this world". The things most of you take for granted--massages from your girlfriend, candlelight dinners--are alien to me (I actually tense up when a woman touches me--yes, I have hung out with females, kissed a few, things like that).
As each year passes, I grow more and more bored with this world, so I don't see myself worrying about growing old alone. I just wonder if I am the only person who has lived this sort of life, who has been so broken down by the past that you don't see a future.
Thanks for listening.
I can accept that, she wasn't calling me handsome directly, just commenting on my build.
