The new #1

I'm a poll watcher, yet I can't figure out what the poll means. So I decided who cares? As the unmasked poet I will take it upon myself to review the #1 ranked poem each time I visit.

What does it mean to be popular? It means that while you may have a throng of fans voting you to the top you also have me.

Ain't it cool to be # 1


U.P.

Original Name! lol

But I like your idea about reviewing the poems. I have a feeling your reviews will be very interesting, unmasked poet.

Sincerely,
Masked poet (no we are not the same person)

Black Satin Nightshirt by TJ

Black Satin Nightshirt
by tigerjen ©

black satin nightshirt
with roses on it
slips over me
with a few buttons
undone
as daring as i can go

exposing
sweet cleavage

maybe another button undone....

off the shoulders now
my neck can breathe
my hair glides down
half-covering my eyes

why don't you paint
my toenails
RED
to match the roses?

It was midnight when I came across this little ditty, a weary traveler scouring the internet for poetry. Well, actually I was coming here to read the latest banter when my eyes feasted upon the polls and behold I became witness to a slice of Tigerjen's wardrobe...

First stanza: as a reader I must ask why would you need to be daring in your home, most likely your bedroom? I don't know maybe it's a titilation thing for the S/O. Heck, wear nothing at all. Well now that you have the thing hanging off you, I must say "Don't take it off!"

There is quite a bit going on here and for me not much comes to frutition. I'd guess that this was written quickly and not reviewed by the author.

Perhaps, if the imagery were a bit more creative and more fleshed out it would work better for me. The stanzas are far too uneven in content.

With regards to punctuation, either use it or leave it out. Just don't mix it.

Last but not least, read the poem aloud to yourself.
Inside this concoction is a decent poem trying to get out.

U.P.

It is obvious who this is, especially with this line

quote"Inside this concoction is a decent poem trying to get out."

I am going to ask nicely that you please stop being so tactless in your critique. If you feel this way why not PM or email tigerjen about her poetry not make your contempt for her so blatant.

I have stayed out of this whole 'banter' but this is Lit a great site not a place to demean others.

I'm sick of whiny attention hungry poets on this site. I come here to read stories, most people do. Who whines the most, the primadonna poets. The feedback board is full of whiny poets, no story discussions. I wrote poetry in 9th grade, it was better than alot of whats posted here. I say we remove the poetry section entirely, no one reads it anyhow, except poets reading their own crappy poems. You never hear readers posting 'boy I wish there were more poets at literotica'.

alot is two words

PM

Unregistered--

Damn! can't put anything past you. Who else but daughter would write something like this? You're brilliant.

Great suggestion about pm's. Ever think to take it yourself? Oh, I forgot, Unregistereds can't send private messages.

UR, I don't think most folks think enough about daughter that they care if you rescue them from her. Just my opinion.


I've been busy getting laid. Why don't you do the same.

daughter

Re: PM

daughter said:

I've been busy getting laid. Why don't you do the same.

daughter

Click to expand...

Gee what great advice,I think I might follow it.

Some people have way too much time on their hands....

[No message]

Dear Unregistered:

The name of this forum is Story & Poetry Feedback and the theme of this forum is "The place to post your feedback about the poetry & stories you love or hate!" Now this is taken straight from the Literotica Discussion Board page right from where you click the link.

This is a Feedback forum. This is not the "Ego-Stroking Forum." This is not the "My Mother Always Said That If You Can't Say Anything Nice Don't Say Anything At All Forum." This is not the "Only Nice Things Are Allowed Here, PM Everything Else! Forum."

This is a FEEDBACK forum. A place where one gets honest FEEDBACK. FEEDBACK is defined by www.dictionary.com as "The return of information about the result of a process or activity; an evaluative response: asked the students for feedback on the new curriculum."

The purpose of FEEDBACK is not so the writer can bask in his or her ego-stroking you're such a fabulous writer! bytes. The purpose of FEEDBACK is so that the writer can improve his or her own writing. FEEDBACK, by its very nature, requires criticism. It requires people who have an opinion that isn't complimentary and aren't afraid to share it.

Since this particular FEEDBACK forum is for DISCUSSION it behooves one to post criticism here, that way other opinions can be aired. There is no DISCUSSION in "wow, another great poem!" is there? That is not FEEDBACK since it does not DISCUSS why the poem is great.

So, unregistered, you are not helping tj, even though we know you've already gone and voted down her competition so she could be #1 again. No one actually cares about #1 again on the toplists of the Literotica poetry board. What people care about in poetry isn't flashy images of success, but if the poem moved the reader or not. If the poem made the reader feel something. If the poem touched the reader in someway. Anyone can string pretty words together and put them in a group of lines. I know because I did it. That does not make good poetry.

The question would be, if tj submitted her poem to be published by a literary poetry magazine, would it be published? No. Her poetry, while pretty, is unmoving. Is was completely unfazed by this poem. tj did not speak to me with it. The only bit where she did was the statement "as daring as I go" and the rest was nothing but pretty words.

That is FEEDBACK, unregistered. That is what helps a poem improve. That is what this Forum is for. So no, people should not be afraid to post what they think or what they feel about a poem because you are going to go and immediately downvote everything they've done. People should not be afraid to be honest because the completely wrongheaded "If you can't say anything nice you should PM it" idiots leap on in a feeding frenzy of you're so mean!!!!! That's not FEEDBACK because tj will never learn from "Another great poem!"

And tj needs to learn. She can string the pretty words together, she just hasn't gone from good poetry to great poetry yet. There is more to poetry than pretty words. She needs to figure out how to touch the reader and make them feel something. The folks here at Lit are very forgiving, they like pretty words because they don't do poetry. The folks who publish poetry would send her a form letter. "You're just not what we're looking for." and she would never know why.

Hello unregistered1 & 2,

I know who you are also. A person who forgets that this is the Story & Poetry Feedback Forum.

Actually I am a new member and whomever you confused me with I hope is flattered.

Tact or tactless what put the bee in your bonnet? So you don't like poetry? Then do not read it. I feel what I posted was a comment and opinion not really a critique.
So you like stories great read them there are plenty here.
Like to see some discussion?
How about you start a topic. You could give it a snappy name and seek the opinion of like-minded people. Then again you could just ignore the post regarding poetry hmmm?

Thank you for asking nicely.

I do not have contempt for Tigerjen, I like her freedom of expression and her courage to write whatever she likes.

And now since it's morning and we have a new #1

The Enigma of Time
by Khul Waters ©

Time is an enigma to me!

When with you, time runs fleet-footed from me…..
.
After three quicksilver hours lying
inside your copper cabled love,
laughing, sharing, giving, taking,
I must scream out my disbelief ….
(Yes, Monty Python said it best!)
“That was NOT three hours!
I paid for THREE hours!
NO WAY it could’ve been….”

…. yet I know it was.

When without you, time sludges my day thigh-deep…..

Each second hurls its own death throe against my forward desire,
fusing that finality to its solidified predecessors.
Minutes are legless beggars in a foreign bazaar dragging past,
slowly displaying themselves in a perverse parade,
my distaste for their slow passage clear on my tortured face.
Hours solidify in congealing walls barring you from my now.
They set like cement round daily events that are yet to be endured.

Seconds, minutes, hours – they are my enemy.
Their uncertain flux dismays me.
From quicksilver to cement they change
And smile and wink at my pain.



Could be the sun streaming through my windowpane, while light is fractured in the prisms of my minds eye. (Sorry that’s a poem for tomorrow) On to the new #1.

Well I must say for a moment I am at a loss for words. Must be a time loop.
On first glance too many adverbs and modifiers.

“Is not running a fleetfooted activity?” (bad line)
“Inside your copper cabled love?” (good line) I want to meet this person.
The following lines are just so so. The dialog does not snap and is far too wordy. I get the Monty Python reference but for me it diffuses the whole enigma thing. It takes a few precious seconds to get to another interesting line:
“legless beggars in a foreign bazaar”
One could almost write a whole poem around this image. It is clear that much work and effort went into this poem. I hope this effort will span the expanse of time and return to us in a rewrite.

Now I will have to find my way out of this enigma.

U.P.

THRUST
by Dillinger ©

Give to me
Or I will take

Give to me willingly
What I desire
Or I will take you
FORCEFULLY

Give me your body
your SEX
your precious slutflesh

NO...
Do not give me!

I will take
I will rape
I will own you
COMPLETELY

your submission
My Will

Clothes
Shredded
girlskin trembling

Fear
Surprise
Wonder

Man unveiled
To you
For you
Rampant Muscle
COCK!

Closing in
Slap
SLAP
Ripping open
SLAP!
you Open
Spread open

THRUST

piercing precious pussy
THRUST
no longer pure
ripping driving
THRUST

trapped tainted taken
THRUST
your eyes, your EYES
openwide
THRUST

raping raped girlwoman
THRUST
fearpleasurelust
girl no longer
THRUST

girlflesh penetrated
SCREAM

More, more, more...
your words
not Mine

thrusthrusthrust
THRUSTHRUSTHRUST

SCREAM
your SCREAM

raped
taken
possessed
owned
girlslut

THRUST
THRUST
THRUST

girlnolonger

yes
you say
YES

girl
THRUST
woman

YES!


There are many implications here that some may find uncomfortable but hey it’s just a poem.

Not much to interpret, the meaning is clear first you ask then you take. The girl woman thing oh boy. Is she a woman or a girl? The act of transformation is clear with the loss of her innocence she is impure and thus a slut by allowing herself to be raped. The images of inflicting pain are weak and thus I form no empathy for the girl nor loathing or identity with the man who abuses her. Perhaps if her innocence or vulnerability had been better illustrated at the beginning of the piece it would have been more shocking.

A slight misuse of the caps here and there throughout this poem. Especially in the second stanza the word enhanced should be “Take” and not "FORCEFULLY in my opinion. Many words are not needed try imagining the poem without the words “Forcefully, Completely and Cock and for the last technical aspects of this the three word stanza :

Fear
Surprise
Wonder

Should be arranged in a different order to enhance the opening line and image/emotion in the next stanza. All in all, the acts while vivid are unfocused and thus lack impact. The structure is reasonable yet the simple fact remains this is a weak poem. We suffer almost as much as the girl/woman.

U.P.

Unmasked Poet said:

I'm a poll watcher, yet I can't figure out what the poll means.

Click to expand...

I'll explain...it means that the readers who voted on that poem gave it a higher score than other poems voted on. That's all it means - period, end of story. Any other meanings you or anyone else choose to imbue it with are your opinions - not ours.

As I've stated here countless times, we added the voting feature after repeated requests from authors. Like the NYT best seller lists, like the Billboard top 100, like the weekly top grossing movies list, the voting top list simply shows readers what other readers voted highly. As all art is a subjective endeavor, there is no way to create an objective "Best Stories" list. That list will be different for each of us.

I appreciate you taking the time to make the point, but we got it.

Of course there's an objective way to create a "best" list. Just open my author page. Or was that over the top? Drat. I was trying to be subtle. You know, work it into casual conversation and all that. It's this unfounded arrogance problem that I've got. I seem to think that I'm actually better than I really am and it just degenerates from there. You know, kind of like standing up on the couch and thrusting your empty paper towel spool into the air like a sword and shouting, "I am the Best There Is In the Entire Universe, or at Least the Room!" And then the dog barks and you fall off the couch and he licks your face and it's really icky. Um.

Nevermind.

*scurries away*

I agree with Killer Muffin........

This IS Story Poetry and feedback.......and though we as writers may not always like what we're told, the whole idea of this forum is to be able to speak and say pretty much whatever we feel like.

That having been said...........

I'm willing to let our Mystery Critics have a stab at my poetry as well.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39666

To sleep.........perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I "still" remain...........

Re: Thesandman

Thesandman said:

That having been said...........

I'm willing to let our Mystery Critics have a stab at my poetry as well.

Click to expand...

Since you bring it up...my favorite happens to be Afterglow.

Ah.......Lovetoread

<Blushing now>

Flattery as they say....will get you everything.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39666

To sleep......perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain.......

Happy to oblige,

Afterglow
by Thesandman ©

In the afterglow of passion,
Are where silent words are best.
A gentle touch, a lingering kiss,
Upon a silken breast,

To hear her rapid heart beat,
Knowing when it first was there,
The fragrance of her body,
The softness of her hair.

When touches private are allowed,
Probing fingers, moisture…wet.
And passion soars above the clouds,
Where rapture's passions met.

Throaty, uninhibited…
Sounds of love are heard.
Of slippery sensations…
Soft spoken, erotic word.

The inner heat surrounds,
As two become as one.
And laughter joins the sensual
And naughty… delicious fun.

Still…desires wait.
Lingering so wonderfully inside.
Bodies meshed together,
Legs spread obscenely wide.

Came then need's own burning,
Hard nipple's signaling the power.
Flickering light touches, rapid tongue,
The opening of her flower.

Sweet is the nectar waiting there,
Gathered in loves own sweet way.
The climax of which, remembered still,
In words too lost to say.

For lingering still in afterglow,
Lying silent as we do.
For you are still apart of me.
And I, apart of you.

Sweeter still in afterglow,
Soft sounds…your soft felt touch.
For I have loved you tenderly,
And have never loved as much.

Afterglow eh?

Ah the joys of meter and rhyme I must begin by saying that in this poem the rhyming scheme while adequate detracts from any erotic value. The poem sounds sweet without being contrite and sending me into sugar shock (quite a feat given the length)

The imagery at times is unstable take the first stanza:

In the afterglow of passion,
Are where silent words are best.
A gentle touch, a lingering kiss,
Upon a silken breast

Certainly nothing wrong with taking poetic license by transposing the idea that actions can turn into the words, yet the poems level of sensuality could be increased if the author found a way to connect the image concretely with the action.

The images stumble on the second line. The double use of the word “are” is unnecessary and forces an unnatural pause after the word “words” try reading it aloud as is.
Do it several times, now say the first stanza again and remove the first “Are” I think you will agree that the poems first stanza flows a bit more evenly with just this minor alteration.
This is repeated on the third line with the use of the “A.” remove the first “A” it staggers and distances the reader from this intimate moment that we are privy to.

At this point it would be appropriate to become more possessive and demonstrative in the actions and images provided. Insert “my” instead of A. The last line suffers from the use of “Upon” and the word "silken" both are overused and cliché but that’s not what really kills it.
It’s true flaw is that those words are out of place. This type of dialog is certainly more representative of old English rather than 21st century American. Substitute “upon” and “silken” there are plenty of words, which will impart the same image.

Example:

In the afterglow of passion.
Where silent words are best.
My gentle touch, a lingering kiss,
across your tender breast.

This is the fault of the entire poem these little gaffs string together throughout the piece and instead of being a good poem they limit it to just okay.

I am certainly not in the “Afterglow” but at least I’m smiling

U.P.

Actually...........

I'm quite impressed by you're synopsis of my poem. I'd have to say I agree with you on nearly every point. I do think it could have been written a little better. And in truth, I wrote it several years ago, but submitted it as a first poem here on Literotica.

You also picked up on the "Old English" style. I was in fact trying to give it a flavor of a Victorian type of prose...but you were the only one who really picked up on that, though I would say I probably didn't do a good job of carrying that concept through the entire poem.

Anyway...for what its worth. I take your criticism respectfully and appreciate the indepth review.






To sleep.........perchance to dream - William Shakespear

But regardless of being considered any kind of poet or not...

I still remain.......

As it was intended Sandman.
It has been a pleasure working with you. I appreciate you giving me something to sink my teeth into.

U.P.

It would seem that heat, humidity and a touch of darkness has fallen upon us courtesy of the summer solstice and WriterDom our new #1.

Summer Solstice
by WriterDom ©

Summer solstice
Florida air heavy with day's heat
barely dissipating into the cloudless night
lit by Lady Moon casting her spell
sweet Magick upon all she kisses

His pet lies upon sheets stretched tight
leather cuffs bind ankles and wrists
silk wrapped around sun dyed hair
her Master's kiss still wet on her lips
as he watches intently at her patience

her black leather collar adorned with silver
a claim upon her sold not by gold
nor by minted coins
she simply belongs
a transfer whispered to depths of soul

freely she submits to His pleasure
her body an instrument of ecstasy
a harp of soft curves which melt
to the touch of his strong hands
igniting passion she never foresaw

she blooms under slavery
finding such freedom in heavy chains
such pleasure in His wicked ways
tempered by tenderness
defined by discipline

lost, lost, forever she is lost in His control
pent-up pleasure dammed by command
it carries her off in tortured bliss
raining tears as emotions swirl
finding such comfort in His arms

We’ll the hits just keep on coming, that’s sort of in keeping with the theme of this poem.
The Opening of this piece is a bit heavy.
The first stanza is very workmanlike. The first line, in my opinion is unnecessary, rarely should the title be inserted into the first line of a poem. If you intend the title to set the stage great! There is no need to repeat the setup, this waste words and words are precious. The title sometimes can be worked in as a refrain if it serves to move the poem forward.

The fantasy tinted dialog “Lady Moon” and “Magick” contribute to the weight, I think a light touch is needed to spin something so delicate as mood. The gothic undertones stand apart rather than fit seamless into the body of the work.

The poem is very literal and crafted tightly, so little interpretation is needed by the reader; this takes a bit of the joy out of a poem. Lead us where you will but do not connect all the dots. What we leave out of poems is surley as important as what we put in.

There is an excellent line/image “a harp of soft curves”

This poem is trapped somewhere between verse and a very short story. It could be shortened to intensify the images (my suggestion) or lengthen it to tell a proper tale. Either way it would become a better piece in my opinion.

Tortured bliss indeed.

U.P.

Great critiques. I feel a little like I'm getting a course in poetry.

Whispersecret said:

Great critiques. I feel a little like I'm getting a course in poetry.

Click to expand...

hey woman! *hugz* long time no see or hear!

U.P. I think your critiques are very interesting, and maybe a little educational. *chuckles* but ummmm.. I was wondering, do you ever find a poem that you like? When you browse through the poetry you find on the net do you savour it or are you chomping every last tidbit to make sure there are no bones?

Just curious is all.

Sometimes the truth hurts. I like the mantra, "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Carry on U.P., carry on.

Sk~

Savage Kitten,

I do find poems that I like, all the time. Many are quite good and take my breath away. Others are impossible to savor due to the odor they emit. Yet, all of them have some merit. I enjoy quite a bit of what I read here. I usually see what the poet is trying to convey. I recognize "the poem’s attempt at life, forming a soul."

Now are they good poems? Some obviously come closer to the mark than others. When I evaluate an artist’s work, I am only speaking for myself. The first standard is and I quote Killer Muffin loosely, "Does the poem speak to me, touch me on some level? Am I happy, sad, in wonder, contemplative?” Second criteria: did it carry me away with its imagery. Third, structure and form. A good poem must have these elements not all in equal measure mind you but they must all be there. These three give a poem its soul and without a soul a poem is just words. "The often talked about laundry list."

Poetry at all levels is fun, challenging and engaging. It is in my opinion, the hardest of all literary forms to do well. Poetry is cathartic at first, yet as a poet develops his or her craft, it expands to touch all of existence not just love, sex or raw emotions. A growing poet tackles life, and that is what keeps readers coming back, a poet’s growth.

As you read my opinions, you will see that I am always pleased to find a device that works, or a line that functions as it should, an image that elicits an emotion. If that little bit is all there is then I am the scorned lover! The partner who failed to reach orgasm because my partner only wanted to get his or her rocks off! This of course irritates me.

Much of the poetry here is like that. Many artist write from a personal, emotional wellspring, which is okay if you were in the room when this stuff happened. Yet, for the reader, for those of us that were not there, we need the artist to invite us in with words and images that show us what happened.

Whispersecret--

It's a class we all take.

Well enough ranting, there is a new # 1 and I must be off.

U.P.

Eureka! A poem that manages to transfer the love and intimacy between two people. Unfortuantely it takes us into the very depths of... well keep reading and don't skip the poem!

Soulmates
by LustyLovers ©

Come into me, I whisper in the darkness as I watch your eyes glow with passion above me. You sigh, and reaching between us open the heart of me to slowly meld us together in heat and pleasure.

We rock, cradling each other in lust, love, and adoration. Our moans blend in the quiet reverence that being one always brings to our hungry hearts beating in unison inside our breasts.

Breaths mingle, tongues touch, palm to palm we writhe and dance together on the cool sheets as droplets of sweat form to mingle and merge before winding down to puddle around us.

Eyes locked we stare into each others souls, seeing the true meaning of mate, acknowledging silently our pledge to each other, given freely, without words, all said in a single loving embrace.

Lava flows through me, centered in the volcanic eruptions radiating out from the center of my being. I tremble and watch in wonder as you too begin to quake, releasing inside of me your essence.

Arms wrap around the other, soft kisses are exchanged, we roll side to side, you slip from my smouldering heat, content and sated. We cuddle, refusing even as we drift into sleep, to part.

Some poets write purely personal. A diary of emotions experienced.
This type of poem I like to call journals. It is often difficult to approach this type of poem because you cannot fairly critique it without seeming to attack the poet.
I feel that way about this poem. The emotion and connection that exist between these two is tangible. At least I can feel it, in spite of the flowery dialog and cliché words and images.

Poetry is alive a direct extension of the language. Now if you tell me that LustyLovers actually talks this way then fine. Yet somehow I believe that not to be the case. Now if they really do, I want to go to a dinner party at their house.

Don’t get me wrong it is okay to use various forms of language in poems. Read the gothic overtones in Dillingers works while sometimes heavy handed the language is appropriate to the genre of dominance and submissive. He creates a world in his poem that the language must conform to.

The breathy expanse of LustyLovers takes place in real time and thus the language well I think you get my point.

As far as a cliché s goes some may ask what’s the big deal? It worked for Dickinson for Chaucer, and Homer. The difference is that the artist mentioned created the clichés of their time. It wasn’t cliché when they wrote it.

True we all have “whispered in passion” I don’t know if my eye’s “glow in the darkness” perhaps Savage Kittens does.
Now a few clichés are okay but how many times do we need to say the same thing, well in this poem we have:

1. Melded
2. Cradled
3. Mingled
4. Merge
5. Locked
6. Embraced
7. Wrap
8. Blend
9. Unison
10. Cuddle
11. Mate

I can say, that I’m pleased to see that this poem does not use flower or rose for vagina.
Ecstatic to see that no one cried a teardrop, or into a river, although we do end up with a puddle of sweat. And we also have lava, quakes, eruptions and smoldering heat. (Hey where are we Pompeii?)

Now if someone wrote me a poem like this, read it to me over candle light and after a glass or wine or two I’d love it, as I stated earlier you can feel the connection between these two. But I cannot enjoy their love as a reader because I am caught in cliché Hell!

U.P