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question(s)about sharing.

S

Sirs Lady

Really Experienced
Joined
Nov 30, 2003
Posts
162
Hello, I have a question about sharing. Bare in mind, I'm new to the lifestyle. Well, Kind of. I'm in my first and hopefully last lifestyle-relationship. I've been in it for almost a year. Luckily (for me, anyway), he doesn't want me be with other men. He's mentioned women, but I just don't know yet. He's not talked about it in a while. That being said,

I've read these stories some of you have written on line...they've been drenching experiences. I'm working on one slowly myself. There are only a few, it seems, that deal with a one on one monogamous relationship. If the sub/slave is so important to and cared about so much by the Dom/Domme why would they want to share them? I don't like to share or be shared, i like belonging to only one person and have the faith and knowing that I am the only one in his life that he wants as his.

Please know, that of course, i'm not judging. It is just not for me. I'm just curious.

Also, have any Doms/Dommes ever hit out of anger?

I'm looking forward to hearing what people have to say.

aimee

drenching
 
Sirs Lady said:
Hello, I have a question about sharing. Bare in mind, I'm new to the lifestyle. Well, Kind of. I'm in my first and hopefully last lifestyle-relationship. I've been in it for almost a year. Luckily (for me, anyway), he doesn't want me be with other men. He's mentioned women, but I just don't know yet. He's not talked about it in a while. That being said,

I've read these stories some of you have written on line...they've been drenching experiences. I'm working on one slowly myself. There are only a few, it seems, that deal with a one on one monogamous relationship. If the sub/slave is so important to and cared about so much by the Dom/Domme why would they want to share them? I don't like to share or be shared, i like belonging to only one person and have the faith and knowing that I am the only one in his life that he wants as his.

Please know, that of course, i'm not judging. It is just not for me. I'm just curious.

Also, have any Doms/Dommes ever hit out of anger?

I'm looking forward to hearing what people have to say.

aimee

drenching
Click to expand...

IMHO..Doms do the sharing thing when they are proud and sure of their submissive and her devotion to him.
 
Originally posted by Sirs Lady
If the sub/slave is so important to and cared about so much by the Dom/Domme why would they want to share them?

In my mind, sharing is a way for the Dominant to express His/Her faith in the bond between Him/Herself. If they believe whole-heartedly that you are THEIRS, then sharing becomes a way of showing others that. (Or at least when I was an ACTIVE Domme...that's what it meant to me). You, as the submissive, are not REALLY being shared. You are pleasing your SIR, plain and simple. (if that is the way it breaks down)


Also, have any Doms/Dommes ever hit out of anger?

And from my own experience, I don't know many people who consider themselves Dominant who hit out in the heat of the moment. Being Dominant is about maintaining control...of yourself and the one you cherish, period. Hitting in anger is NOT showing control.

JMO
pet :rose:
 
Sirs Lady said:
Hello, I have a question about sharing. Bare in mind, I'm new to the lifestyle. Well, Kind of. I'm in my first and hopefully last lifestyle-relationship. I've been in it for almost a year. Luckily (for me, anyway), he doesn't want me be with other men. He's mentioned women, but I just don't know yet. He's not talked about it in a while. That being said,

I've read these stories some of you have written on line...they've been drenching experiences. I'm working on one slowly myself. There are only a few, it seems, that deal with a one on one monogamous relationship. If the sub/slave is so important to and cared about so much by the Dom/Domme why would they want to share them? I don't like to share or be shared, i like belonging to only one person and have the faith and knowing that I am the only one in his life that he wants as his.
Please know, that of course, i'm not judging. It is just not for me. I'm just curious.

There are many reasons, each individual to the people involved. For me it was not something I wanted, and find difficult. It is also not something he has wanted in past relationships, but does with me. It is partly a challenge to both of us for different reasons.
He has his moments of difficulty, but they are outweighed overall by his need to exert maximum control over me, emphasise I am his possession and no longer own myself in any way. He uses it to show me he can and does do with me what he pleases...if I desired others and found it a breeze to fulfil his wishes it would not be attractive to him I guess. In a round about way, it ia also a psychological trip for him to make me even more his alone for now and laways.

I also still find it difficult, sometimes more so than others. That being said though, it is the fact I hate it and dread it so much which in turn turns me on. I love the challenge, and I love that feeling of being used as his possession, his toy to play with as he wants, his property to utilise in whatever manner he wishes, being used in ways I despise by people who I find repulsive just for the fact they are not him. I hate knowing he sees it all as he watches and sometimes directs my actions. It also is a way of overcoming my shyness and reclusive nature in that if I concentrate on his reminder I am property and act out of his desires not my own, it enables me to overcome barriers I never thought possible. I have covered some of the emotions and difficulties in some of our stories, particularly in the difficulty to understand agenda in 'Lesson Learned'.


Also, have any Doms/Dommes ever hit out of anger?

I think this is pretty much a lack of control on the part of a Dominant. They need to be able to walk away if anger reaches that level. Punishment should never be done out of anger. I have never been in that position but if I had. the relationship would end as it is then abuse, not D/s.


drenching [/B]
Click to expand...
 
Wow, your responses are great. catalina_francisco, you and i are probably very similar, in thoughts anyway.

About a few weeks ago, my Dom hit me. He has never done that before to anyone, he says. i know it isn't supposed to happen. I've never been in this situation. I always said if someone hit me like that, then I would leave. I did hit him back. He had a bruise for a week. I'm pretty hard headed, but i know it was unwarranted. I had caught him in a lie about something silly, i had been drinking, and pushed the issue. The issue is something we've been disagreeing about for a few weeks. When he hit me, he called in his roommate to take me for a ride so he and i could calm down. We talked about it later. I told him how i felt about it.

what do you think?
aimee...

ps. i wouldn't mind more responses about the other question.
 
as for hitting in anger...unlike others here, i do not feel that such an act makes a person un-Dominant or utterly abusive. Dominants are people too, human, with human emotions. sometimes they will do things that they regret. that is only human nature. my Master has struck me in anger before...it has only happened once, and later he apologized for it and explained his feelings. any other time he finds himself angry with me, he will leave the room, go to the gym, turn on a football game and ignore me for a bit, just do whatever it takes not to do something to hurt me which would in turn hurt him, as he loves me so. i do not think of him as any less of a Man or Dominant because of that slip he made way back when. and if he ever made another slip, i would think no less of him. because i know how hard he tries and how much is on his shoulders, and to be honest i am surprised that he has not lost control more often.

now, about being shared...it is not for every relationship. the reasons for it are varied. sometimes it's true that the Dominant truly does not care about what is his (or hers) and just gets their kicks from seeing the submissive or slave used however by whomever, until they tire of it. but i would say that this is rare. the fact that my Master can have me used anytime, anyplace, with anyone, makes me thoroughly HIS. i belong to him and only him, and he would strike down any person who tried to say different. i desire no other Master and he desires no other slave. i am shared because it pleases him. it pleases him to receive compliments from others on my service and training, it pleases him when i am weak and sore with another man's cum staining my clothes and body. if he did not love me as he does, or cherish me as he does, he would not care to share me because what would there be to please him in that?
 
Sir and I talked about my question, he feels that a Dom/sub, Master/slave relationship is a very intimate and special thing. (which I agree with). Once someone else is brought into it, it ruins the intimacy. Do any of you feel you lost that intimacy?

He says I please him very well. There are other ways besides sex to please a Sir or Master. Though sex is a much funner way.

subgirl, i like the first part of your response a lot. you're probably a little right. though if he does it again, i won't stay.

Also, you've all probably been asked this question millions of times and some kind of automatic reply button for it, but how did you know or learn about your roles in the lifestyle?

aimee
 
I'm sorry, i don't think hitting another human being in anger is ever acceptable. it'ss one thing if it's part of play, and both parties are aware that it's not threatning...but with you're treading a thin line when you start talking about hitting someone out of intinse emotion..

thier's a difference between someone submitting out of love, and someone submitting out of fear...hurting someone in anger can all to easily lead to someone staying around out of fear.


as for being with other people..i myself an not a proponet of monogomy. i think that it's a rather out dated notion, and this is entirely a perosnal oppenion. luckly i share my life with soemone who feels the same way. now i do believe in being careful and showing respect for the person who is #1 in your life, be it a dom/mee or sub. you have to take thier feelings, health, needs into consideration before you even think about being with someone else.

i think in alot of these kinds of relationships the openess, even if it seems forced, is part of a powerplay..in other ways it's a natrual expression of two people's passion towards another. it would really depend ont he individuals involved... in that thier aren't alot of blanket statments that apply to any group as a whole.
 
Sirs Lady said:
Sir and I talked about my question, he feels that a Dom/sub, Master/slave relationship is a very intimate and special thing. (which I agree with). Once someone else is brought into it, it ruins the intimacy. Do any of you feel you lost that intimacy?

He says I please him very well. There are other ways besides sex to please a Sir or Master. Though sex is a much funner way.

subgirl, i like the first part of your response a lot. you're probably a little right. though if he does it again, i won't stay.

Also, you've all probably been asked this question millions of times and some kind of automatic reply button for it, but how did you know or learn about your roles in the lifestyle?

aimee
Click to expand...

if anything, Daddy having me used by others has vastly increased the intimacy between the two of us. ours is a union of two. me serving others, or him having someone else serve him, is not "adding" anyone to our union. they will never be a part of what we share. when i've served another man well (and service is not always sexual, btw), it greatly pleases my Master and is tangible proof to him that his training is actually sinking in. it also makes me feel so wholly HIS....just like he can let one of his friends take his beloved truck out for a spin, he can let someone use his beloved little girl.

as to how i knew my place in the lifestyle, well that was easy...as soon as i learned the word "submissive", i knew i had found a home. i have always been submissive, just until that point never knew there was a term for it, much less an entire lifestyle behind it. submissive is what i am with or without the D/s lifestyle.
 
Intimacy is increased for us. I used to fear otherwise, but have come to realise being shared increases the intimacy you share with the one you love, deepens the bond, accentuates the differences between sex for sex sake, and real intimacy based on emotion and a need to express that physically.

Catalina :rose:
 
Not to be a sourpuss...but despite all the positives posted, sharing could be disasterous. Just something to keep in mind, it could turn out great too!

Now, as far as hitting in anger; combined with the fact that it was over a lie, I'd be a bit careful around this person. There is no reason not to consider relationship counseling if it happens again.
 
Johnny Mayberry said:
Not to be a sourpuss...but despite all the positives posted, sharing could be disasterous. Just something to keep in mind, it could turn out great too!

Now, as far as hitting in anger; combined with the fact that it was over a lie, I'd be a bit careful around this person. There is no reason not to consider relationship counseling if it happens again.
Click to expand...

I have to say you are correct Johnny, we only posted the good stuff. i was looking at this site yesterday trying to find a little info for Sirs Lady and i think this says alot http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/

I think you need to be in a secure relationship for it to work, and i was assuming when i shouldnt have that the relationship was secure.
 
Re: This topic caught my eye.

TigerClaw said:
I too dont like sharing. I had considered it once, yes as Kajira stated because I was confident in her. I wanted to delve into the lifestyle a bit more with each of us before attempting that. It was not to be.

I have since become adament that it is a special gift between a sub and Dom and for me should not be shared.

I have been questioning many people in the lifestyle and it seems that most of the Doms I have come across dont like to share their subs yet subs do seem to want this in the relationship.

Is this impression correct?
Click to expand...

Not my impression. I have known few sub/slaves (myself included) who wanted it or found it easy to cope with but met a lot of Dominants (Master never had before in past relationships but does in ours) who required and desired it whether it were a problem or not. It was always a no go to hard limit to me, but I have come to understand a different perspective to the one I had previously had. Does not make it easier, but is more justifiable and understandable.

Catalina :rose:
 
Re: I had reservations of answering this post

TigerClaw said:
I am happy I did. So, there is hope for a D/s relationship with a hard limit of not to be shared.
Click to expand...

There is always hope. I think the important thing is first to discuss limits, then to explore the reasons both have for them and whether there can be compromises that work for those that do not match. It is also a relaity that what one may have as a hard limit in one relationship, they may find surprisingly is not a limit they wish or need to maintain in another. Sometimes, as we have found, you both find you push past limits you both previously had simply because they no longer seem to have validity or attractiveness in keeping as limits. Is a fun journey and never ceases to amaze me with its twists and turns and incredlible learning curves for both Dominant and submissive.

Catalina :rose:
 
Re: This topic caught my eye.

TigerClaw said:
I too dont like sharing. I had considered it once, yes as Kajira stated because I was confident in her. I wanted to delve into the lifestyle a bit more with each of us before attempting that. It was not to be.

I have since become adament that it is a special gift between a sub and Dom and for me should not be shared.

I have been questioning many people in the lifestyle and it seems that most of the Doms I have come across dont like to share their subs yet subs do seem to want this in the relationship.

Is this impression correct?
Click to expand...


actually, in my experiences i've found very few people, Dominants and submissives alike, who wish for physical sharing to be a part of their SERIOUS D/s relationship...and if the physical includes sexual, well finding such people for me has been like finding needles in the proverbial haystack. that's why i never thought i'd find a Mate, i thought i'd be alone forever because what man would want others to use the body of the woman he loved...what Dominant man, especially? many submissives i've spoken with and seen online seem to have the belief that their bodies should be these special, untouched temples, and therefore being used by anyone other than their beloved Dominant would make that union less special, and would indicate that they are somehow not as valuable to their Dominant. and while many Dominants i encountered were more than happy to share a submissive they were "playing" with, when it came to THEIR submissive, their property, it was a no-go. they would say they were "too possessive" (as if sharing makes one less possessive).

so finding Daddy was truly miraculous....not only did we fall madly in love with one another, but we both had the need for physical sharing. twas a beautiful thing. :)
 
Ok there are many good points both ways in this discussion. My problem is with the sharing like a party favor. I know my girls would give me that wounded look if I ever shared them in that way. I never want to cause that kind of emotional pain. However, I could see sharing as a learning experience. If they wanted to experience something new or more advanced in say bondage or edge play. I would understand as it could help us all to learn. So in a controlled setting with very strict limits I could see it. So yes I would understand that kind of sharing. I'm sure there are many types of sharing, this is just the only one I would feel comfortable. I would do it to see the pleasure in their eyes experiencing something new and exciting. As I recieve pleasure from seeing my subs happy.
 
A Dom who hits you out of anger, has issues. And as I have said before it is domestic abuse/violence.

I have been shared. I hated it and don't see any circumstances when I would ever do it again. If a Dom does not respect that limit then he does not respect me.
 
I believe wholeheartedly in sharing like a party favor. I believe in passing the candy. Whether the relationship is long term and exclusive or short term and situational....I like the sub who likes to be shared.

You wanna play with me, lil girl, if you flag objectification, don't whine at me when objectification time comes.

STD and other safety measures in place, natch.
 
I dally with the notion of sharing, but it's simply not in line with T's needs so I don't dwell on the thought long enough to pin down my feelings on it. I think I find it sexy, but whether or not I'd deal well with it, emotionally speaking, is another matter. I do believe that it would only increase the connection to T; I would not be doing it for me or my needs, apart from my need to serve him. How could that make me feel less connected to him?

Seems the monogamy fear is the same, be it a nilla or kinked relationship. I went through the same argument with my previous, undominant partner.

I completely agree with osg on "Doms are human too." I have been struck out of anger before. We talked about it immediately afterwards and it is fine. We are still in the experimental phase of our relationship and so of course mistakes are going to be made. I'm not broken.
 
snoozebutton said:
...I know my girls would give me that wounded look if I ever shared them in that way. I never want to cause that kind of emotional pain..../B]
Click to expand...


this is the key for me~~ I would go to the ends of the world, sharing included for the one I've entrusted my heart with... I've always said, if the relationship takes us there~~

as long as I feel that person is concerned about my well-being, yes~ objectification is incredible
 
Quint said:
... I have been struck out of anger before. We talked about it immediately afterwards and it is fine. We are still in the experimental phase of our relationship and so of course mistakes are going to be made. I'm not broken.
Click to expand...

obstacles and difficulties can always be overcome~~~ willingness to talk about it & work together for an outcome mutually agreeable is key : ).... if you begin to feeeel bad about yourself because of the situation and cannot discuss that~~~ it's time to leave...

we are not our behavior~ and behavior can change!
 
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