What I have learned at Lit/BDSM

It's been over a year now, since I came to Lit and I thought I would impart what I have learned to anyone interested in reading.

Lesson #1. People come and go and usually come back. People leave Lit for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes it's just the constraints and busy-ness of life that keeps them away. Sometimes the skin they are in is just not thick enough for the battering they leave themselves open to.

Sometimes they return with their original moniker and sometimes they return in cognito. Of course, they are assuming that a lot of readers here really care whether they post as they "were" or as they "are" now. Most of us here have a small circle of friends who care about us. But for the most part, this is a big site with thousands who read and/or post and what happens to me does not matter to the vast majority.

Many times people leave with the legendary "I am leaving Lit forever" thread. (The best "I am leaving Lit... goodbye" thread response was from Chilled Vodka. He posted, "yea me too... see ya tomorrow!" I still crack up at that one.)

Some people even stage their departure. An example is the poster who "was hit by a car and killed." What was her name? Tantanah? Now, that was a rich piece of work. She had the general board in turmoil and amateur sloothing for days. Talk about high entertainment value!

And some people do actually die, like Artful, God rest his soul. I miss him.

Which brings me to the "I'm going to kill myself" threads. These are just cruel and heartless. Nothing else need be said about them.

The bottom line is that most people who post "goodbye Lit" threads do so for attention and out of self-pity. My feeling is that if I ever choose to leave Lit, I will email or pm my friends and say so, privately. But then, I shy away from pity parties, that's just me.

And then, some people just need and want a break from Lit. Nothing at all wrong with that. A little reality check every now and then is a good thing. If one starts to lose perspective and begins to take it all too seriously or it becomes to aggrevating or annoying, stepping back and shaking oneself, is a healthy thing to do.

(Holy shit and shove me in it.... this is one long post. Sorry.)



Please feel free, if you are so inclined, to dispense your wisdom here, too. I know that my perspective is likely to be different from someone else's and everyone's words of wisdom are welcome.

I'm leaving Lit...see you tomorrow!

Join me in a group hug...

Lesson #2. We, in the BDSM world, want to be inclusive, understanding, and open minded, even, for example, when someone posts that they love sex with animals. (Now, really... can someone truely explain to me the difference between a zoophile [is that spelled right?] and some one who likes to be fucked by a dog? And is it exploitation of the said animal, since the animal cannot "consent"?) There was a huge dog fucking thread here a while back and my God, the people who posted that "it's okay, if it rocks your boat" mentality was amazing to me. I admit it, this is not okay with me and I posted such to said thread.

Most people do not post to threads they find objectionable or do not agree with. That's a good thing. The end result is less flaming on the boards.

But don't forget, there are some who enjoy watching the fight unfold. It's that morbid behavior as we drive by a car wreck. We just gotta see it.... Those people will in a passive/aggressive way, fan the flames just to see the fallout.

Sometimes the topic is not worth the time it takes to write to it, it's been done a kazillion times before, or whatever... I find that to be more true for me, than anything else.

Most of us don't want to state our opinions in blatant terms. It makes us appear to be narrow minded and non-inclusive.

Johnny Mayberry said:

I'm leaving Lit...see you tomorrow!

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I will pine for you... until you return.

I changed my mind...but I'm really leaving now!!! At least long enough to grab a Coke!

Johnny Mayberry said:

I changed my mind...but I'm really leaving now!!! At least long enough to grab a Coke!

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Just so you keep coming back.... ;-)

I agree ADR. I try to stay away from the BS and the flame wars, therefore I sometimes stop posting.
Another good point you brought up is R/L. Yes, most of us have jobs and responsibilities. We need to work...we need to eat. R/L does indeed keep us from visiting and posting.
And again, sometimes we just need a break.

BTDT


Good thread BTW

Re: Join me in a group hug...

A Desert Rose said:

<snip>There was a huge dog fucking thread here a while back and my God, the people who posted that "it's okay, if it rocks your boat" mentality was amazing to me. I admit it, this is not okay with me and I posted such to said thread. </snip>

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But the thing I like most about this post, ADR, is that you say "this is not okay with me." Bestiality is distasteful to the majority of whatever-floats-your-boatists on this forum, but the same majority will immediately add that their rules are not the universe's rules. Your kink is not wrong just because I do not share it. Etc. It may be wrong for any other number of factors, but generally speaking, the people here take those down to the most factual level possible, rather than saying "it's just wrong." I hate flame wars and love debates. There is usually more of the latter than the former, with notable exceptions.

here's what i've learned at this forum.

by giving names to certain feelings and actions, we eliminate the concept of "gee, it's just me who feels this way, so i must be crazy." by having vocabulary like "sub, dom, breath-play, sub-space, etc." we convey the idea that other people are experiencing the exact same thing, and therefore it's not so weird after all. i really wish more people would come here and explore their bdsm side. so many people belong here, enjoy the things we enjoy, but repress and ignore those feelings because they think they're alone. it's great to have a large group of people who are all genuinely in this lifestyle and willing to help out strangers. before i came here, i wasn't sure if i was doomed to a life of unfulfilled fantasies, or going to meet crazy guys if i did want to fulfill them. but the examples of sane and decent people here really show, not just me, but everyone that bdsm'ers aren't all psyco vinyl-clad fucked up head cases. sure, there's some, but there are bad apples in every bunch.

so, long story short, this place is a great source of information and compassion, a place where questions can be answered with respect and honesty instead of sneers and calls of "you sicko!"

*sniffles* i love you guys!

Ahhhhhhhhh.....

I am smiling big!!!!

Love these posts from you all!

navarre said:

... BTDT

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What does that mean, by the way?

A Desert Rose said:

What does that mean, by the way?

Click to expand...

Been There Done That

To be or not to be listed...

Lesson #3 I have been hesitant about posting this and have thought about it as I went about my housekeeping chores today. How do I phrase this without offending someone, or many someones? Maybe I just can't. How do I phrase it without sounding like an attention whore myself? Maybe to some who do not know me, I can't do that either.

We all crave some form of affirmation. We like attention and love to be singled out in a flattering way. We also love to publicly announce who we have an affinity for. Hence, the great LIST THREADS. (By the way, I never post to them. The people who are on my personal and private Favorite Lit'ster List Thread, know who they are.)

How much of this is about being popular and how much is about having and being a real friend? How much of this is about a deep seated need to be accepted and liked?

Admit it, everyone loves to see their name in print... even a pseudo name, especially if it's in a good way. I know I do.

What is one of the top 10 reasons we come to Lit?
Affirmation. BB said it best when she said that putting verbage to how and what we do and feel, helps make it acceptable. Knowing that we are not alone in our kinks helps a great deal. She made an excellent point.

But I think there is another side to affirmation and the list threads are a good example of it.

Since this is my thread I can do as I please....

Here's a funny for you.

Dear Abby,

I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.


Sign me,
Tough Love Grandma

Nice JPG and I can surely appreciate that one, well written my lady very good

Seriously, are you the guy who double dipped at the veggie tray?

Lesson #4. Sexy Chele said something one time (she has said many things, many times and she makes great sense) but this one stuck with me. She once said (and I am paraphrasing here) that people tend to take things far too seriously at Lit. It's pretty definate that no one here will be at my next company picnic or family reunion, so why does the opinion of a basic stranger matter so much? Why should it ruin my day or make me cry?

The answer for me is, it doesn't. But it seems to matter to some. If one takes the long view, nothing said here really matters. And if it really gets to you, use the ignore feature or do as I do, I just don't open the threads or I scroll right on past those posters. It takes a little self control but it becomes habit soon enough. I know that there are many here who do that same thing where I am concerned. Good for them, I say. There is no one at Lit worth fighting with, myself included.

Miss Manners is dead

Lesson #5. The mean poster... now, here's an attention whore of a different color. I don't need to name names... we all know who they are. They post cruel and viscous things about other lit'sters. They look for weak areas and shove the knife in. They are deliberately provocative and nine times out of ten get the attention that they crave. Everyone comes to the rescue of the abused and everyone attacks the attacker. And everyone gets what they want. The victim is vindicated by his/her cohorts, the board gang attacks the attacker and the attacker gets everyone riled up, while he/she sits back and giggles.

Everyone knows how this plays out, and yet... most of us still play into it.

I think there is a real lack of decorum at Lit. I would never call anyone a fucking c*nt or threaten to fuck their cat after I did something unspeakable to it, not in real life and not on my computer. I am still amazed at how easily some can do just that. But then I am reminded that this is a porn board and it should be expected that people will be rude, crude and unkind. This will never be acceptable to me in any form or on any forum. If someone calls me those kinds of names, and they have, they no longer exist to me.

There's a line in one of my favorite movies... Soapdish. Kevin Kline says to Sally Field... "You? moralizing to me? Pahleeeeze!" I'm sure that some are thinking the same thing about me.

However, I'm not done with what I have learned. I will eventually post more to this thread, whether anyone else does or not and whether anyone reads it or not.

I will likely be gone for a couple of days because I am starting a new job tomorrow. (Wish me luck, please. This is a big career step for me.)

Yo, ADR.

Amen Sister!

Good luck with your new job, ADR.

*big hugs*

I have enjoyed reading this thread, every word of it. Your thoughts are succinct as well as so true, in many respects. As became a pattern a long time ago, you have simply stated things I , myself, have thought.

*Little known Lit history: ADR and I have seldom posted to the same threads as we would usually simply be saying "ditto" over and again.

I still must say something to the thread! I have learned a lot from lit in all manners of speaking. It has even impacted my interactions in real life.

I have learned how fragile friendships can be with people you have never met.

I have learned that a reputation at lit doesn't matter a whit to my life or psyche. It used to matter to me, yes. It no longer does. I know who I am far better than any of my trolls or lit enemies know who I am and I am happy with me. So, fuck em.

I have also learned that is it okay to be "just me", on line and off. I have embraced my kinks, perversions and needs as opposed to let my "vanilla thinking" interfere with my happiness. Many thanks to all, and especially to Shadowsdream who has, on occasion, pointed out to me when this was happening.

All of the above lessons have been translated into my real time interactions as well.

I have also learned that just because something is in text form and may even be typed with ten cent words and impeccable grammar, it doesn't give that poster any credibility. However, I have also learned to embrace the thoughts of those of you who are genuine and typing from your own heart and mind sans agenda. I have two lists, those I read begrudgingly and those I read avidly, savoring every word. It makes no matter what list you are on, as I lurk more than post these days and felt you should know I am here, reading and digesting what you all bring to the forum.

With regard to moderation: Less IS more! You wonderful people only need me to take out the trash, as it were (spam), and nothing else.

Lastly, what we see of one another on the forum is only the tip of the iceburg that makes up each and everyone of us. The forum is, in many respects and perhaps far less now than it used to be, so subject oriented as to allow only certain facets of our multi dimensional selves to be presented. Then, the flip side is true. We are able to share so much more of our sexual selves here than in many real life situations that we probably no one another's kinks and interests far better than our dearest friends are privey to, in some cases.

PHew. Enough of me....who's next?

Definately good luck with the new job....nothing like that feeling of excited anticipation, with just a touch of anxiety to keep the edge sharp, then the relief when the first days have passed and you find it is not scary or more than you can handle. I am sure you will knock them off their feet.

So what have I learned from Lit, or why do I continue to come here? Well there have been times when I have contemplated leaving, but that is not how I have learned to survive, and really not me to give in to bullying or grandstanders looking for their fifteen minutes of fame....so I remain even if sometimes I tend to take time to regroup and gather my strength. It comes back to my belief everyone who is here as part of the community is entitled to their opinion and their space, and as we all know, we have all had our bad days and moments we do not hold dear as much as others.

I enoy the discussion, especially as my communication is limited to Master and Lit these days due to language barriers. It is an outlet and a place where I can keep my brain cells functioning on those days I swear I can hear a definite monotonous droning inside my head. LOL. I find the exchange of ideas and information more than just a porn board. I have seen porn boards and I do not think I have seen any with the calibre of posters or discussions the Lit BDSM board has. I refuse to reduce it all to porn just because we are discussing and practicing a part of sexuality that rocks our boat, or writing material of an erotic/sexual nature. To me that is too reminiscent of the view sex is bad and should be discussed in hushed tones behind the school toilet block with much giggling and mythology. I find most here to be very real, even the ones I do not share all the views of.

I have been fortunate to meet some really nice people, which reinforces we are not a group of raincoat clad perverts, though perverts most of us are and proud of it!! Our visit to CT for the get together added to this feeling of community and friendship with like minded people. It is through these people, the exchange of ideas and views, I have been able to grow, evolve, define some of my own ideas, change others, and continue to feel part of a wider community of people who demand and deserve respect not least of all because we are able to stand up and be proud of our particular kinks, and for the most part support each other when in need. I also find that because I disagree with someone on Monday, I am not about to write them off just because they are not a carbon copy of me and my life, or they say something which I find disturbing. I look at it holistically. I like diversity, and I appreciate that we are not all the same, so are going to agree on some things and not others. That to me is more a friend than someone who agrees with everything I say to my face, then discusses me and my views in a negative way behind my back. That is a people pleaser who usually is not to be trusted too deeply.

As to flame wars....well I see the occasional so called flame war of which I had no idea what they were before this year...guess that comes from being computer illiterate to a large degree. I also see it a bit different to some perhaps in that to label any heated debate as a flame war, is not only limiting exchange of views, but tends to give a view of living life through the computer screen. In everyday life, families, tutorials, politics, there are differences of opinions which sometimes become more colourful than bland conversations, but it is through this open exchange the world evolves, why should computer communication be any different? I do not think the continued derogatory name calling or attacking without any meaningful content of expressed views on a topic or reason is necessary, but I am in support of any discussion which enables people to attempt to explain their view and come to hear those of others. It is natural at times this is going to become emotive as we are a group of individuals, all with our own unique story to tell.

Short of pedophelia, and harming unconsenting others, I am not about to judge anyone for their sexual practices, be it bestiality, scat, anal, extreme sadism, or something else. In the wider community in which we have to live, there is enough judging of our own tastes which is grounded in ignorance and a concept of 'If I don't like that, neither should anyone else'. I find that view very limiting and the basis for censorship which flourishes far to well in our world. As long as someone does not force an unconsenting other to participate in what they are into, so be it. If we begin judging, the discussion becomes fake and limited which does not help anyone in any way. It does not mean I have to embrace their kinks as my own, just I do not stand there and say, 'Well you are sick because you do X, but I am okay even though I do Y & Z.'

So overall, though there are days here when the air is smoking from the crossfire, and egos are dented and tarnished, I find the exchange to be honest, informative, more supportive than most people we meet face to face, and friendly, and a place I would not see disappear for the sake of conforming to societal views of appropriate behaviour. Screw their approporiate behaviour and give me transparency, realism, and honesty any day.

Catalina

I have learned on Lit that the BDSM community is more conscious and responsible about sexuality and life in general than elsewhere...

Catalina and Francisco started a thread about ethics a while ago which proves this once again. Personally I believe that BDSM ethics and morals aren;t or shouldn;t be any different than elsewhere, but I do appreciate it very much that we seem to be more conscious about it...

After all, BDSM is about exploring human limits, it's like balancing on the tight rope. This requires responsible behaviour from everyone involved...

One more thing: I also learned to think before posting or starting a new thread. General chitchat is nice, but it usually isn;t a start of a good discussion. Like in RL it takes an effort to hold on a good conversation, it isn;t any different here.

Sometimes we (myself included) tend to start joking on a thread. Sometimes this kills a good discussion. Perhaps we should be aware of that. Anyone who sees the importance of this board, has a responsibility to keep its standards alive.

Wolf

Re: Miss Manners is dead

A Desert Rose said:

I would never call anyone a fucking c*nt or threaten to fuck their cat after I did something unspeakable to it

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How come we keep coming back to fucking & doing unspeakle things to animals?

MissTaken said:

I have also learned that just because something is in text form and may even be typed with ten cent words and impeccable grammar, it doesn't give that poster any credibility.

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WHAT?
You mean I've been wasting ALL my time with this dictionary & thesaurus???

catalina_francisco said:

I have been fortunate to meet some really nice people, which reinforces we are not a group of raincoat clad perverts, though perverts most of us are and proud of it!!

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I happen to LIKE my raincoat & think I look QUITE good in it, thank you very much