Do you need to like your sub or dom?

Is anyone here involved with someone who you don't share anything with (tastes, politics, etc.) outside of BDSM? Do you have to have someone you would be at least friends with non-sexually? I'm rapidly coming the conclusion that I do.

i can have sex with anyone...submit to anyone....be used by anyone. that has always come naturally for me. but for a real relationship, a commitment, of course that deep, non-physical connection has to be there. but for sex or play? i actually prefer there be nothing beyond that if it is not a serious relationship.


edited to add, i don't need trust in order to submit.

I am sorry....but i have to answer this with a ....

Duh?

Of course you have to like them.....how can you trust someone you don't like?

ownedsubgal said:

i can have sex with anyone...submit to anyone....be used by anyone. that has always come naturally for me. but for a real relationship, a commitment, of course that deep, non-physical connection has to be there. but for sex or play? i actually prefer there be nothing beyond that if it is not a serious relationship.


edited to add, i don't need trust in order to submit.

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Ok, this is off-topic.

I am trying to understand your edited remark. Not having to trust the person you are submitting to is a new idea for me, and I admit I am having trouble with the concept. Please help me.

redelicious said:

Ok, this is off-topic.

I am trying to understand your edited remark. Not having to trust the person you are submitting to is a new idea for me, and I admit I am having trouble with the concept. Please help me.

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we are all different...many submissives do indeed need to trust a person before they submit to that person. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. but for some of us it's different...for some of us, our submission is not something we choose, not something we control. it is who we are and how we respond to the world, whether we wish to respond in that way or not. it's not about what we want, but rather about how we were born/made/created. so for those submissives, trust, or love, or even knowing the person is not needed in order for them to submit. because such submissives submit by instinct rather than choice, and will always submit as long as there is someone who wishes them to do so.

Thank you for your answer.

I am with you here:


we are all different...many submissives do indeed need to trust a person before they submit to that person. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. but for some of us it's different...for some of us, our submission is not something we choose, not something we control. it is who we are and how we respond to the world, whether we wish to respond in that way or not. it's not about what we want, but rather about how we were born/made/created.

For some reason I am having trouble making the leap to this:

so for those submissives, trust, or love, or even knowing the person is not needed in order for them to submit. because such submissives submit by instinct rather than choice, and will always submit as long as there is someone who wishes them to do so.

I am really going to have to think about this tonight. Thank you.

Mastersprincess said:

I am sorry....but i have to answer this with a ....

Duh?

Of course you have to like them.....how can you trust someone you don't like?

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I apologize but, this makes me go Duh, too.

I agree with Mastersprincess.

I agree with redelicious.

None of the rest of this makes sense to me. I think a lot of thinking through is in order.

In order to submit to someone, i have to feel that there is flowing between us honesty, acceptance, and respect. Those build to trust.

I hadn't considered whether or not i liked a Dom as part of the equation before. In all probability if i disliked a Dom, then one of the other components would be missing as well.

In order to submit I have to trust... that is the bottom line for me... I cannot submit if I cannot trust that the person has my best interests at heart... love has nothing to do with it... but trust has everything to do with it.

Croctden said:

Is anyone here involved with someone who you don't share anything with (tastes, politics, etc.) outside of BDSM? Do you have to have someone you would be at least friends with non-sexually? I'm rapidly coming the conclusion that I do.

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As I've grown older, I have found that I no longer have the desire for any relationship based purely on physical, or emotional needs alone. I might liken this to having a fuck buddy, someone that I would have no attachment to, or a one night stand. I would rather go without than spend time going nowhere in a relationship. I have gone without for years, and learned a lot about myself in the process. The most important being what I want and need for myself.

I need that personal connection for any involvement. I need someone that posesses intelligence and wit. Someone that has similar tastes, and a clear vision of what they want in life. I need someone capable of returning the love that I give. Someone that I trust completely. I need someone that compliments me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not talking religion when I say spiritually, but a spiritual connection. Something that gives the relationship a higher meaning than having sex, and being friends.

Personally, I could not submit to anyone that I have nothing in common with. I need honesty, trust, and respect for that person -- along with common ground for bonding in other ways. That takes time, for me. Maybe I've become a bit jaded with age. I want more than sex and play. I'd still go without, rather than have a relationship that didn't have those characteristics intact.

I think I understand where ownedsubgal is coming from, too. All of our brains seem to be hardwired differently, we are all unique individuals. For some, I believe submitting may be as natural as a reflex action. Also, some submissives and slaves are given to others for sexual use, and they have no problem with it because they are doing so to please their Dominant or Master. There are also Dom/mes that don't require love to be part of the equation.

I can see where I submit naturally with my children, at work, and other places. But, in my personal life, I have a choice. For myself, I need more.

I have to like them, have something in common with them on some level, trust them to a certain degree for a play partner type relationship. If we are talking about my relationship with my Sir, well...that's a no-brainer. Deep trust built over time. Many things in common, a connection between us besides the BDSM one, things like that.

I can't walk this journey without having trust in my Dominant though. That's just the way I am hardwired.

~anelize

Croctden said:

Is anyone here involved with someone who you don't share anything with (tastes, politics, etc.) outside of BDSM? Do you have to have someone you would be at least friends with non-sexually? I'm rapidly coming the conclusion that I do.

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In my own experience:



Even in a strictly D/s relationship that was short term, yes, there had to be and was a connection beyond that of two willing bodies.

Now that the D/s relationship is over, we are becoming wonderful friends!

It would bore me stupid to play with people I didn't like. I find that if I don't like someone it's usually because there's something about them I don't *respect*

big red flag.

I agree with Netzach; I'm a generally amicable person but I believe in my values for reasons, so if I were to meet someone so different that we truly connected on few of those values, I couldn't respect or even understand them. Don't really want to put my body in the hands of someone I don't respect or understand.

I could see how this MIGHT work in a very temporary play Top/bottom setting, but I would not choose to be in such a setting. I'd never try to be in a relationship with this person.

I can only speak for myself, and since my subs have no interest in posting here, I will speak for them.

I never do anything with anyone I don't like. Why waste precious time with someone you do not like?

And since I dictate the structure of the relationship, I need to know my sub's mind and heart. That is only possible if I like him.

My subs do like me, and continue to do so even when our relationship has ended.

ownedsubgal said:

i can have sex with anyone...submit to anyone....be used by anyone. that has always come naturally for me. but for a real relationship, a commitment, of course that deep, non-physical connection has to be there. but for sex or play? i actually prefer there be nothing beyond that if it is not a serious relationship.


edited to add, i don't need trust in order to submit.

Click to expand...

I suppose I am like ownedsubgal in that I could submit to someone I didn't like, but unlike her I would not do it unless it were something Daddy had asked me to do. My trust in Daddy is complete enough that if I were given to someone, I know Daddy would have investigated the person thoroughly and would trust them, therefore even if it were someone I didn't know, I'd know that Daddy's trust was sufficient.

But for a relationship, for my partner, of course I have to like her. That part seems like a silly question to me, too. (Not belittling Croctden, just stating my view.)

I realize that I didn't actually comment on the topic at hand, so let me do that now.

First off, I could not submit or be submissive to anyone I did not like or trust. To do so would be to risk my life. I'm sorry, but I just can't get past the danger in that, no matter how much I think about it.

I think I could be submissive to someone I didn't have much in common with as long as I at least had some basic respect for them. I could also theoretically see submitting to that person, but only after a long period of time. I think it's possible to adopt or at least appreciate another's tastes, views, and likes with enough exposure to them. But that's the key - by the time I got around to submitting I would have learned enough about the differences to be able to minimize them.

Having said that, it would be much more natural for me to submit to someone who I instinctively felt a bond with, especially in a 24/7 situation. The other scenerio just seems like a lot of work.

i really do have to like the guy.

I have to like, respect, trust and bond with someone in order to submit. I could have physical sex with a stranger or someone I didn't like, I could possibly scene under those conditions but I could not truly submit without liking and trusting the dominant.

I have done many demos and such at parties/organized events with people I have known in the BDSM world for years, but would I have a meaningful relationship/friendship with them outside of that common interest? No, not really. It is what it is. It was me as a bottom, with a Top, demonstrating a technique or toy. There are many people in my r/l groups that I admire in the world of BDSM, but we have nothing in common outside of that. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that.

Now submitting to someone? In the D/s sense? That is an entirely different thing. I could never submit to anyone I didn't respect or trust..

I couldn't dom anyone I didn't like and trust. Why would I want to? I suppose there are those sadists that could. To me these are basic issues. I would expect my sub to submit to anyone I ask because I wouldn't ask her to submit to someone I didn't trust and like.

I am still reeling from the doormat with zero self esteem who feels she must obey any bully who demands his way.
What self respecting Dom or Domme would glory in a sub who is indiscriminate?

Submission is a gift, the greatest gift. It means nothing if distributed among the masses.

Ebonyfire said:

My subs do like me, and continue to do so even when our relationship has ended.

That, to me, is the sign of a classy Dom/me or person. I have seen this quality in a few people, both vanilla and kinky, in my area, and it's pretty darn special and shows a lot of maturity.

- justina

Croctden said:

Is anyone here involved with someone who you don't share anything with (tastes, politics, etc.) outside of BDSM? Do you have to have someone you would be at least friends with non-sexually? I'm rapidly coming the conclusion that I do.

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For me to be able to HONESTLY submit...there has to be respect, trust and genuine liking for the person I am submitting to. I am more of a switch than sub these days...but i could not imagine giving the gift of submission to just any Dom/me that came along. What would be special about that particular gift...if just about anyone could get it?
PET

Can Y/you say AMEN???

oh nurse said:

I am still reeling from the doormat with zero self esteem who feels she must obey any bully who demands his way.
What self respecting Dom or Domme would glory in a sub who is indiscriminate?

Submission is a gift, the greatest gift. It means nothing if distributed among the masses.

Click to expand...

Well stated!!! I would have loved to have been the one to say it first!!!!
PET