infidelities

After separating from my Dom of three years I recently met a man with dominant qualities. We've spoken for a long time and we enjoy being with each other...ther is alot of attraction between us and it's getting to the point where it's difficult enough just to keep our hands to ourselves! The only problem is....he is in a long term. committed reltionship with somebody already. She is vanilla and doesn't satsify him at all.

He says he is willing to try something with me, as much as I would like to with him. I'm just not sure if I want to deal with what that means. I mean, when I'm with him there is all of this attraction, but when I think I about it, it doesn't feel right to me....I know it's immoral, but aside from his relationship everything seems just perfect. The attraction is SO strong on both of our ends.

i'm wondering what people here have to say about thi,s if anything

What I have to say is
"any realtionship that is not honest
causes more damage then pleasure"

My opinion..... playing is never really worth it in those situations. It sounds like his SO has no idea, in which case I feel sorry for her, I've been in that situation, and it sucks.
It sounds like he needs to decide what he really wants, and so do you.

ok, here's a nibble of harsh reality. would you be comfortable knowing that his wife would satisfy his emotional needs while you would only be his outlet for physical pleasure? sure, attraction is a great thing, and if you REALLY think you could handle a relationship that doesn't go beyond sex and friendship, then more power to you. but i seriously doubt this would make you happy in the long run. now i don't mean to be a naysayer, but sometimes it's better to let attraction go unanswered for the sake of saving yourself a LOT of heartbreak down the road. i'm just asking you to do the "big-picture" thing. take a cold shower and think about the situation rationally. how happy would you be if one night you were feeling depressed and needed his comfort, but he was having dinner with the missus? could you share him like that? knowing that she came before you and has such a hold on his heart? i mean, he's not satisfied with her sexually, but loves her enough to stay with her anyway.

ok, i can't be so uncharacteristicly negative without including a little optimism.

perhaps through a growing relationship, he would realize that you were better suited to him than his wife. or perhaps you really would find happiness in a casual realtionship which involved sharing him (i know lots of people here have totallly unmonogomous relationships and are quite happy). hell, i don't know you, i don't know what would make you happy - only you do, so i'm asking you to ask yourself serious questions and take the time to really think about your responses.

That is a difficult predicament to be in.

There is a part of me that wants to say that his dishonesty is his problem and his marriage is his, not yours.

But then, someone who is dishonest with their wife doesn't seem likely to be honest with anyone else.

Also, that if it goes against your moral grain, you can't feel good about the relationship. If you can't feel good about the relationship, it shouldn't happen.

Just my two cents

That is a tough one! Perhaps, some who are on the other side of the issue could step in...married and looking.

I'd say first of all, forget about morality. That feeling at the back of your head, that something about this isn't right for you? It's not morals...it's the same thing that keeps you from being run over by large trucks- self preservation! Take that feeling, wrap it around your head like a whether-proof handkerchief and run like the wind.

This might be along the lines of what bunny bondage suggested. Ask yourself, how easy is it going to be to take what he needs to give you and then watch him go home to snuggle with his vanilla wife? Again, and again, and again.

Will it feel like one like one looong slow rejection or like freedom for you? What is your temperament?

In my humble and unworthy opinion, if you aren't going to be satsified with the relationship "as is" you shouldn't be in it. Otherwise you could end up giving all for naught or you'll end up holding back so much of yourself, and what you want, waiting until you can be more than "just friends" that you might as well not be in the relationship at all, you'll just feel very sad.

BunnyBondage, I feel like I spend all my time thinking about this and whether to go through with it. Both the pessamistic and the optimistic versions and some in between ones too.

Right now we seem to be filling a lot of different needs for each other..and yet....I still don't know! This good be something great, or something awfully painful...


Evesdream, I see what you're saying about selfpreservation. I don't think he's in it to hurt anyone though. He's a really compassionate person, I think one of the most caring people I've ever met. If he was out to use me or hurt me he wouldn't be the person I'm attracted to right now.

Thanks both for your candidness...

Richard49 I have to agree with you on the honesty part.

Miss Taken it _is_ a difficult predicament. I don't think it's this big an issue with him though. I seem to be the big worrier here.

Zaudika said:

My opinion..... playing is never really worth it in those situations. It sounds like his SO has no idea, in which case I feel sorry for her, I've been in that situation, and it sucks.
It sounds like he needs to decide what he really wants, and so do you.

Click to expand...

Something to think about. And I _do_ believe me...

Well, I do think that this type of thing is exploitative to all parties involved, even if it doesn't always feel that way while it's happening. But hey, sometimes that works, as long as you know what's going on.

You're right to be worried
To amplify something MissTaken said, a BDSM relationship, more so than ANY "vanilla" one, requires a heightened level of trust
If the relationship is entered in to on his part thru a basis of lies & distrust, how will you ever REALLY be able to trust HIM?
Also, he probably isn't communicating these things to his wife....Again, why enter in to this with someone who's unwilling or unable to communicate his needs?
If this man is truly a lifestyler or a Dominant, don't you find it questionable that he entered in to a marriage where his needs & desdires go unadressed & unfulfilled?

IMHO, RUN, do not walk, away from this
I've been active in the fetish community for several years and have seen a LOT of encounters occur in situations like this
They pretty much ALWAYS end badly, usualy with the woman hurt and the guy back with his wife either trying to salvage his marriage or pretending it never happened
There're also a lot of predators who operate from the "safety" of a marriage (it gives them an easy excuse for dumping you) & seek out lonely/vunerable women (those who're recently out of LTR's for instance) to use to fulfill their needs before dropping them like hot potatos once their rocks have been firmly gotten off

Give yourself a little time to get over your previous relationship & find someone who you can give a shot at building somethign new & healthy with, without the lies & dishonesty

Playing devils advocate......

You say he is a long term committed relationship. How committed can he be if he is seeing you? If he treats her like this do you expect he won't do it to you in the future?

Can you go out in public together without having to hide it from her?

What do you have to lose if your relationship is exposed?

What does he have to lose?

What is there to gain?

How will you feel about being "the other woman"?

Are there any children involved? If so, how will they feel about daddy having a new female friend?

What exactly would you expect to happen if his SO finds out about you? Would he tell her the same things he has told you?
Will he be as honest with her as he has supposedly been with you?

Of course he isn't doing it to purposely hurt someone, but who will he hurt if you two are "found out"

Can you tell the important people in your life about him?

And to add to HzDomme's line of questioning:

What do you want from D/s?

What do you need?

Can he give you that under these circumstances?

If what you need is someone to talk with and train with and see occasionally, then perhaps it will work out for you.

If you need someone who is invested and committed in a long term relationship with you, can he really do that?

Never sell yourself short, hon.

(Hmm wish I had listened to my words once or twice though! ) *giggles*

Hmmm....do whatever you like, but don't be surprised at the consequences.

Sometimes I think I can be okay with this. But mostly I feel uncomfortable with it. I get the feeling that I'm diving into a swimming pool without any water in it.

MyLoveMySweet said:

I know it's immoral, but aside from his relationship everything seems just perfect.

Click to expand...

Of course...because you don't get all of him, you only get what he feels like giving. And he gets exactly what he wants from you, so of course he's happy with it. Whenever he doesn't want or need you, he can blow you off for his real relationship.

MyLoveMySweet said:

Sometimes I think I can be okay with this. But mostly I feel uncomfortable with it. I get the feeling that I'm diving into a swimming pool without any water in it.

Click to expand...

To quote that wise sage, Obi Wan Kenobi, "Luke, TRUST your feelings"

YOURS are telling you to run like hell

Sounds like the only thing telling you to go for it is your hormones

And frankly, I would think a vibrator would be safer & last longer

MyLoveMySweet said:

Sometimes I think I can be okay with this. But mostly I feel uncomfortable with it. I get the feeling that I'm diving into a swimming pool without any water in it.

Click to expand...

and you don't actually have to smack your face into the concrete to know that it would HURT. common sense is telling you that this isn't right, this isn't healthy, this won't fufill you, this is BAD! DANGER! THREAT! WARNING! RUN! RETREAT! EVASIVE MANEUVERS! GOGOGO!

bunny bondage said:

and you don't actually have to smack your face into the concrete to know that it would HURT. common sense is telling you that this isn't right, this isn't healthy, this won't fufill you, this is BAD! DANGER! THREAT! WARNING! RUN! RETREAT! EVASIVE MANEUVERS! GOGOGO!

Click to expand...

MyLoveMySweet said:

Sometimes I think I can be okay with this. But mostly I feel uncomfortable with it. I get the feeling that I'm diving into a swimming pool without any water in it.

Click to expand...

Using the same analogy - remember that this is not the only swimming pool out there - there are plenty of pools with the water they were intended to hold. Some are even heated!

Either that or give up swimming and get a skateboard to ride that cement hole for all it's worth.

~don't settle for less than your magic~
entering a ~make do~relationship no matter how exciting or almost right it may feel in the beginning removes you emotionally and to a certain extent physically from the search for your magic.
D/s relationships need the dynamics of trust and honesty...I would hope that all submissives would look to the core of the Dominant they would consider bending their knee for.
Look at your own honesty and integrity as well. Entering into more than a conversational relationship and friendship with a Dominant personality who has made it clear, is not completely available for more than play on His or her terms and schedule will not be really satisfying. Be honest enough with yourself to admit the doubts are valid and listening to them is a strength not a weakness.
There are many many wonderful men and women in unsatisfying marriages..some will remain so all their lives and some will move on. I would not think less of this man because he is married and sexually unsatisfied nor do I caution you to look at him as a pariah.
From reading between the lines I already know that you have one foot out the door and if you do not place the other foot out the door with it your mind will be in constant turmoil. You will be kicking your own ass for not listening to your heart and your gut!
~~good luck~ with this difficult decision.

when the experienced male dom (James) sais RUN, this guy is SHADY, I have to concure. especially when your own instincts are telling you the same. If you ignore your instincts you will so be kicking yourself for it later. If your hormones are confusing you, do whatever you need to release that tention, try some cyber sex or whatever, give an ex a booty call (one where he likes you more than you like him and not the other way around). My own instinct when I first read your post was that he sounds like a user. Don't let yourself be his next casualty

Okay, I have been involved with married men before - only one time that I knew beforehand the man was married. The rest simply lied. Shall I tell you what you are in for? The script is always the same, believe me.

First. He says she doesn't satisfy him? HOGWASH! Chances are they are going at it at least 2 - 5 times a week. She may not want to try the more kinkier things he's interested in, yes. But he's gettin' his nooky, trust me. And you? You will simply be his "kink outlet". Can you live with that?

Second. Be prepared for the fact that every single holiday, every birthday, every special event in your life cannot be shared with him. He has another committment. He will not be there for you when you are invited to that wedding. And forget about the family bar-b-que - he's gotta be home. Expect that, except for the bedroom and the times he can get away, you will live your life as a single woman.

Third. He's Dominant. Or has dominant tendencies. Doms don't normally like to share. I know. My first Dominant was the married guy who I knew was married. I soon wised up to what was going on, and decided if I could be "something on the side", then I might as well continue to meet men and go out. Nope. Not possible. He would call at unexpected times, and if I wasn't home, he would expect a full accounting. He had a key to my apartment (dumb, DUMB move!!), and when I would get home from a date - there he would be, sitting in my livingroom, spoiling for a fight. I was expected to be devoted to him and him alone, no other men, whatsoever. Towards the end, he resented me going out with my girlfriends as he suspected I was doing it solely to meet other men.

Fourth. No matter what you may have planned, be expected to cancel it if he finds he can get away at the last minute. Have tickets to that special event and are going with a girlfriend? Expect him to ask you to cancel or give your ticket away because he suddenly found out he's got some free time that evenng and "needs" you, "wants" you, you are the "center of his universe". Then, after you've fallen for this and have cancelled on your girlfriend, you can expect the call telling you that plans have changed, his wife is still home, and he won't be able to make. "Sorry, sugarcakes. Maybe next time." This will happen more than once, so be prepared, and you better not pout about it! After, he gets away when he can, you know! He's making sacrifices, too!

Fifth. Practice what you will say when that inevitable day comes when the phone rings and the voice on the other end says, "I'm ___________ wife, I found your phone number...." Men who cheat almost always beg to be caught. He will leave your phone number in an open spot "accidently". He will carry your picture in the glove box of his car, and "forget" it was there when his wife took the car to get it washed. She will NOT blame him! She will blame you - for everything. Be prepared: when this call comes in? You will feel the floor fall from under you. The pit of your stomach will suddenly be in your throat. And the topper? When she tells you that you aren't the first, that he has done this before. Yeah, despite him telling you he's never met anyone like you. He has. He's done it before. And he was probably caught at it before.

Sixth. Think about having a man in your life who you are happy with. You try to please him, and he tells you that you are perfect - he wouldn't change a thing! Then you find that phone number, those panties that aren't yours, that picture of the naked woman. Think how you would feel. What would be in your heart? On your mind? How would you feel towards that other woman? That is how your relationship will make his wife feel. I firmly believe in the sisterhood of women - we need to stand together. In helping him to betray her, you are betraying the sisterhood to which you belong. (And yes, I know this is only my opinion, but I am of the mind that I will not do to another woman what I do not want another woman to do to me)

Seventh. No matter what he says - and he'll get there eventually to keep you, believe me - never, ever believe it when he says he wants to leave "her" for you. He will tell you he can't because of finances, the kids, the house, the family, career, anything and everything. But, if he doesn't hold out some sort of "carrot" over time, he knows he will lose you. He needs to keep giving you hope to stay. Men in these situations RARELY leave their wives. They've got a great thing going! Regular nooky at home, along with cooking, cleaning, and all the little wifely things. And then there is you - worshipping the ground he walks on, acting like teenagers in lover, kinky as hell sex. What more could a man want? Plus, if/when his wife finds out, there is the possibility she will be SO jealous that she will jump at any opportunity to please him. You will be dumped like yesterday's newspaper - and in a heartflash. Be prepared for the feeling of having your heart ripped from you and stomped under foot - that's what it feels like.

Eighth. After this entire fiasco is ended (and it will - unpleasantly, I assure you), expect your next relationship to be an even more difficult experience. Your feeling of trust will be shattered. How do you know the next guy won't do the same thing? He's going to have to work harder, and that is going to cause resentment, eventually. Of course, this could always be a "transitional" relationship, but eventually you will want to get serious with some one. And always, in the back of your mind, will be those niggling doubts about how REALLY happy your man is, and if he hasn't in fact found some one like you once were for a little fun on the side.

Your conscious seems to be speaking to you loud and clear. Listen to it! This man is not free to give you trust or a relationship. I think you know that. Physical stuff is good. And can be had by almost anybody. I don't know you, but I've yet to meet a woman that I could say is so low that she should put herself into the living hell I went through. And it is a living hell. Find heaven on earth instead. It's out there, you just need to find it.

SexyChele said:

Okay, I have been involved with married men before - only one time that I knew beforehand the man was married. The rest simply lied. Shall I tell you what you are in for? The script is always the same, believe me.
<snip>
Your conscious seems to be speaking to you loud and clear. Listen to it! This man is not free to give you trust or a relationship. I think you know that. Physical stuff is good. And can be had by almost anybody. I don't know you, but I've yet to meet a woman that I could say is so low that she should put herself into the living hell I went through. And it is a living hell. Find heaven on earth instead. It's out there, you just need to find it.

Click to expand...

Bravo Chele. Well said, and I know it must've been hard for you to write. Hopefully she'll listen. This's exactly what I meant about the guy being a user/abuser.