Holy Orgy Batman!!! It's the Batman story!!

The much requested/lamented/pick your own emotion Batman story!!!!!!!

I was a sweetie n ripped all the old bits from Lashers newbie fucking thread so it has flow. No, buttfucking wasn't involved!!! Unless DCL specifically requests it and backs up his request with a good spankin with his utility belt.

Too make it less confusing I'ma rip one post at a time and repost it rather than have one long ass post for Siren to wow over.

Comments from the peanut gallery are, of course, expected.

Holy Cat o' Nine Tails Batman!!! err, um Lasher....

quote:
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originally posted by Laurel
And how about "newbies" like Killer Muffin and Payne and others whose posts are cool as fuck?
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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG HOLY COW OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

*Excerpt of Incident Report filed by Officer Lopez on the night of 13 Aug 00. Subject was last seen, running around, frantically circling the room until she ran into a wall and knocked herself out cold. When the paramedics later asked the subject why she'd done such a lamebrained thing, she was reported to have said, "Cause she said my stuff is cool as fuck!!!!!" No one was able to ascertain at the time exactly who had stated the subject's stuff was cool as fuck or what, exactly the nature of the subject's 'stuff' might be. Subject was transported to Arkham Asylum where Dr. Lasher, psychatrist of the demented, twisted stars cut off all connection to the internet. Dr. Lasher reports that the subject has formed an acquaintanceship with the villian known as the Joker. Dr. Lasher states he has the situation firmly under control. End Report.*

Holy Handcuffs and EZ Cheese Batman err, um Lasher!!!

"This is Angela Chen reporting Live from Newcenter 5. The late breaking story is the Joker. He has once again escaped from Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. His accomplice Strawbe- this can't be right Bob. It is? The Joker's accomplice Strawberry Shortcake is also at large. Dr. Lasher, head psychiatrist at Arkham says that the if the damned newbies had shut the fuck up this would never have happened. More on this story as it develops."

*Alfred blithely turns off the TV*

"Holy condoms Batman! Strawberry Shortcake? Is this a new diabolical Joke?"

"No Robin. Strawberry Shortcake was a cartoon in the 80s. Joker's accomplice is Killer Muffin. She's a newbie on the BB at Literotica."

"Ah. We can use the boards to track them down."

"You know about the boards Robin?"

"I've been posting there for a while now. I use the name 'Siren'."

"I didn't know that Dick. I've enjoyed your posts. I've been using the name Dixon Carter Lee. I hate it when they think I'm a girl."

"Holy whipped cream Batman! Dixon Carter Lee is the BB God! How do we catch the Joker and that newbie that never shuts up?"

"Eventually they'll let something slip Dick. Then we'll catch them. I just can't figure out what the Joker is up to. He started posting on the boards as Naked Hunny lately. I can't figure out his plan. We'll catch them though, before we let them hijack another thread."

YOU CAN'T SHUT ME UP!!! I'M WITH STUPID!!!

*the batmobile cruises along at 40 knots, dodging stray cars and obliviously running over miatas (can't ever see the damned things)*

"We've tracked down Naked Hunny, remember, this is the Joker's alter ego. We think he's in Pennsylvania. Be on the look out Robin, we don't know what foul joke he's plotting now."

"Holy porn site Batman!! Did you see what the two girls in the Miata were doing??? Whose we by the way?"

"Alfred and I. We've also discovered that Catwoman has been posting on the boards as innocuous little April. No telling what she has her claws into."

"April?? Holy S & M Batman!!! I thought she was innocent and sweet. I was going to try to hook up with her. Of course, there's something to be said about latex catsuits and whips..."

"No time for that now Robin. The Joker and that muffin person must be stopped before they hijack another thread and take it to 1,000 posts!! Slut_Boy's thread has already done enough damage."

"We stopped Slut_boy, no more threads that won't die from him. Is he still in Arkham? I saw him post the other day."

"Dr. Lasher insists on letting him use the net. Oldbies get priviledges the newbies don't. I don't blame that muffin person from breaking out, but not with the Joker."

"Holy cybersex Batman. Who would ever have thought someone as frigid as Mr. Freeze would call himself Slut_Boy on the boards."

"Never mind that now, we've arrived at Naked Hunny's address. On your toes Robin, no telling what's in store for us."

Scooby dooby doo where are you? Oops, wrong theme...

*Batman leaps from the Batmobile, fires one of his Batthingys and swings into the air, intent upon entering via the chimney. Robin sneaks in through the back door and meets Batman in the cheesy bedroom where the computer monitor is glowing ominously...*

"Holy Astroglide Batman. The backdoor was wide open."

"I prefer a bit of melodrama, it livens things up."

"I noticed that on your posts Batman. Where is the Joker?"

*hearing muffled MMMMMMMMMMs coming from the closet...*

"We've found Naked Hunny. She's been tied up and gagged. Look at this Robin. She isn't Naked is she."

"Holy handcuffs Batman! That looks like a straight jacket."

"Our Naked Hunny wasn't the Joker after all. Just one of the damned newbies that never shuts up. Where is that muffin newbie? And the Joker."

"More importantly Batman, WHO is the Joker? If we can figure out who he posts as, maybe we can track him down."

"He will reveal himself Robin, he always does. If we can find the muffin newbie, she may be able to lead us to the Joker."

"Where do we start Batman?"

*Strips the straight jacket from Naked Hunny and holds it dramatically aloft.*

"Recognize this jacket?"

"Holy nipple clamps Batman! Is that...?"

"Yes Robin. Our next stop. Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. We'll have a little talk with Dr. Lasher."

*Batman and the Boy Wonder dash off through the house and into the Batmobile. Naked Hunny yells out after the disappearing Batmobile...*

"WHAT DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET A 3SOME WITH YOU TWO!!!!!!"

Val Kilmer is sexier than Adam West, specially in batman underoos!

*The Dynamic Duo reach Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane run by the good? evil? any guesses? Dr. Lasher to find that Batgirl has gotten there ahead of them...*

"Holy black leather panties Batman! It's Batgirl!! But how did she know...?"

"I had Alfred post it on the boards, the fastest way to reach her. She's addicted to the BB."

"Batman, Robin. Dr. Lasher is in there. He's locked himself on Cell Block D, the deranged block. My best wiggle couldn't stop him."

"I didn't know you were on the boards at Literotica Batgirl."

"I post as Nicole Robin. Didn't the wiggling give it away? Batman, we still haven't located that muffin or the Joker. There was a report of him around the docks, but I checked it out and nothing."

"Good job Batgirl. Let's go have a talk with this Dr. Lasher. I have some questions."

*In the deranged Cell Block D....*

Batman: "Dr. Lasher."

Dr. Lasher: "Batman. What do you want?"

Batman: "Where is the Joker?"

Robin: "Hi Ivy."

Batman: "No time for that now Robin! Where is the Joker?"

Dr. Lasher: *laughing evilly* "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA I'll never tell you Batman. I don't care if you have more posts than I do. I am the Man, the Myth, the Legend! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Batgirl: "Batman, he's gone crazy!"

Poison Ivy: "Hi Robin."

Batman: "Who is Naked Hunny?"

Dr. Lasher: *furiously* "She's one of those terrorists, the Couple of Nasty Girls. She and that muffin creature hijack threads on the boards. I hate that, they have to be taught a lesson."

Robin: "You post on the Literotica boards too Ivy?? Me too!! I'm Siren."

Poison Ivy: "Wow!!! I post as Hecate."

Robin: "You're sexy Hecate?? Wanna go out when you get out of here? I love those handcuffs!"

Batman: "ROBIN! Where is KillerMuffin now Dr. Lasher?"

Dr. Lasher: "I don't know. She's been posting insanely on the boards since she broke out with the Joker."

Batgirl: "If we catch the Joker we can get muffin and lock her back up."

Dr. Lasher: "I'll only tell if you wiggle some more, say in the office, a little candlelight, some music, maybe some wine."

Batgirl: "I'm the town slut, not a whore."

Dr. Lasher: "Thats the deal, take it or leave it."

*after conferring with Batman*

Batman: "You tell us what you know about the Joker first."

Dr. Lasher: "He and muff were talking about going to california. The Joker is planning on taking the boards from Laurel and Manu."

Robin: "Holy butt fuck Batman! We have to stop the Joker! There is no telling what he'll do to the boards! That evil clown."

Batman: "Why didn't you tell us this before?"

Dr. Lasher: "I just really wanted to see Batgirl's Wiggle."

Tommy Lee Jones the sexiest Two Face in the whole movie!

*deep within the bowels of Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane on derenaged Cell Block D after the caped crusaders have left....*

"Well Two Face? Who is the Joker."

"You're so smart Lasher. You figure it out."

"I am not going to have that that costumed freak catching that stupid muffin chick and the Joker. I will bring them to justice. Now tell me."

"What do I get out of it?"

"You can keep your net priviledges. We both know how much you need to keep posting your thought and opinions disguised as meaningless nonsense."

*coldly* "Whatever do you mean Dr. Lasher, the Man,the Myth, the Legend. How many posts are you up to know? How many threads did you begin lambasting the latest crop of newbies?"

"You're a board junkie Two Face... or should I say Flamingo Blue???"

"I am not addicted to the boards. They simply alleviate the constant monotony of your company."

"Very well Two Face. You tell me who the Joker is and I'll show you the video I made of Batgirl's wiggling."

"You amuse me Lasher. But not that much."

"You're going to regret this Two Face."

In the toons Luke Skywalker is the voice of the Joker....

*Leaving Robin in the Batcave to engage in rampant cybersex with the poster known only as Carl East, erotic story writer extraodrinaire, Batman takes to Gotham's rooftops...*

"Hiya Bats."

"Selena."

"Wheres wonderboy?"

"Staying out of trouble Selena?"

"You know me Bats. Trouble follows me everywhere I go. It's the latex."

"I'm looking for the Joker."

"You're always looking for the Joker. I like you better when you're DCL. How many of those stories of yours were inspired by me? Like my new whip?"

"I like you better when you're April. That sweet innocent act of yours is slipping. What do you want Selena?"

"I want a little leverage on Expertise."

"Buy him in the auction."

"Mrrrowwrrr. You help me with Expertise and I'll tell you where Harley Quinn is."

"Harlequin.... The Joker's patsy... Where is she?"

"First promise me you'll dig up all the dirty on Expertise. By tomorrow night."

"I'll do what I can. Harley Quinn."

"Prrrrrrrrrr.... she looks good in a lace catsuit. Quinn is on the boards too.... as Jade. I picked up a rumor that she was hiding out in San Diego. Long way from Gothom, hmmmmmm Batsy? Nice beaches there. You should get an all over tan, nude beaches can inspire some more of your stories with me in them."

"Who is the Joker Selena? Selena? Fuck."

Holy Batfuck errrr Robinfuck Batman!!!!

*back at the Batcave.....*

"Harlequin is known to be in San Diego, Dick. Any luck on the boards?"

"Holy critical sperm buildup Batman! Carl East got me off like Johnny Cochran in front of a jury. He wants to know when we're having a threesome in the shower."

"No time for that now Robin. I don't do men anyway, not without a lot of cash up front. Did you check the boards?"

"No Bruce, Alfred has been on it for the last three hours. I think he's addicted, we should get him into a 12 step program."

"Sure Siren, you have more posts than he does."

"Master Bruce. I have located KillerMuffin. She has taken herself off to play in the mud in Southern California. She says they have good mud there even if you have to pay to play."

"The San Diego connection Bruce. I bet we'll find Naked Hunny not too far behind."

"Maybe so Dick."

"There is more Master Bruce, Master Dick."

"What is it Alfred?"

"She claims to be meeting up with Thumper in San Diego for some concert."

"Holy hot oil sheet wrestling Batman! Thumper is..."

"The Riddler."

Don'tcha jes love guys running around in spandex jammies?

*Suave, handsome, multi-millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne and his ward Dick Greyson step from the private jet into the hot San Diego air. Reporters surge forward, shouting questions...*

"Mr. Wayne! Lois Lane, Daily Planet! Its rumored that you're here in San Diego to fight over a small, locally operated website with Lexcorp. Is there any truth to that?"

"Miss Lane. Its a long way from Metropolis."

"You know me?"

"Of course, Miss Lane, aren't you the one that Superman always saves?"

"Well, yes."

"Are you free for dinner?"

"Do I get an interview?"

"Just dinner."

"Maybe. About Lexcorp and the website?"

"I'm looking into financing smaller, quality sites to give them a broader ability to bring their product to the market. In exchange for small advertising, of course."

"Of course."

"I'll pick you up at 8, which hotel?"

"The Excelsior... Wait a minute, I didn't say I'd go out with you. Mr. Wayne? Mr. Wayne! Dammit."

Blue and red underoos or black ones?? Opinions??

*At the Excelsior, intrepid reporter Lois Lane taps swiftly at the keys to her laptop...*

"Tomorrow's blockbuster story?"

"Superman!! You scared me. No, just at the Literotica boards."

"You use the boards?"

"I'm Simply Southern, are you on them?"

"I've looked at them. I don't want you near Wayne. There is something not right about him."

"Don't be silly Superman, he's just the hottest story to hit San Diego since the temperature. Speaking of hot stories, why are you in San Diego?"

"Luthor is here. This website deal of his stinks."

"What do you mean?"

"Off the record Lois. Luthor and Wayne are cooking something up over the site. I can't figure out why those two are interested in a little free site out here. Either of them could start 100 sites just like this one in less than a day."

"No they couldn't Superman. Where would they get the stories from?"

"The stories..."

I personally think this is funnier than shit and very innovative. But then, I am a very sick person. Everyone says so except my shrink.

KM, when you are done with Batman can you do one about the bible? Who gets to be God? Should be a girl me thinks. No, not me, I want to be Lilith. Madam should be God. Dixon should probably be Moses and Lasher should be Jesus (he loves to get crucified!) Sparky could be Judas and hang his sorry self.

Deborah said:

Dixon should probably be Moses

Click to expand...

Let my people cum.

OoooOOOo Batsy spank me with your utility belt!!!

*In the penthouse suite belonging to Wayne Industries...*

"Alfred!! It's my turn to use the laptop!! Bruce he's been on the computer for three hours now. Make him share!"

"You can flirt on the boards later Dick. We have work to do. We have to find that muffin. I have a feeling she's the key to this whole operation."

"Muffin? She's around here somewhere, I just saw her post, but Alfred wouldn't let me read it, he's hogging the computer."

"She knows who the Joker is Dick. She may be the only one who does. You two monitor the boards. I have a date with Lois Lane."

"Bruce, now isn't the time to play hide the salami. She's kinda pretty and all, but the Joker is more important."

"Lois will lead me to Superman. Where Luthor goes, so does Superman."

"Give me the credit card at least. I need to buy another laptop, Alfred won't give it up. I can't figure out what he's doing that's so interesting. All he does is read the stuff, and not even the stories."

"Alfred posts as Nobody Special. He's been busy with an auction."

"You are over a million dollars now Master Bruce."

"I should check out the 4 wheel drive places here, that muffin might be there if she's looking for mud. This place is a desert, not much mud here."

"Good thinking Dick. Look into that concert as well. Find her, keep her away from the Riddler."

Muff, dear, You crack me up!!

Who else though Jack Nicholson SUCKED as the Joker??? huh?? fess up!

*Later that night on the roof tops of downtown San Diego, Batman and Robin, our dynamic duo, pause to remove wedgies brought about by the intense heat of the city and tight spandex costumes...*

"Naked Hunny is supposed to be in that HoJo over there. She promised to meet us. She said that Muff is near and in contact with the Joker."

"Good job Robin."

"Just one thing. She wants to see you naked."

"Lois didn't even see me naked."

"Holy mud wrestling Batman! That truck is covered in mud! Do you think its KillerMuffin's?"

"Let's check it out. Be careful, she's in the company of Thumper."

"The Riddler."

*In Naked Hunny's hotel room...*

"Riddle me this, riddle me that, what's 6 foot tall and stinks like a bat."

"Hello Riddler. Where is Muff?"

"Some guy came and picked her up Batman. You want to know who and where they went, get naked."

"Who."

"Not until I see some skin."

"No."

"Darn it. Not even a little?"

"No. Who did she leave with Naked?"

"Some bald guy in a limo. They went to the Excelsior."

*giggle* Oh I get to be Lois Lane. Oh, she's so cool. Thanks...I'm taking this as a compliment whether you meant it that way or not.

Now, on to singing your praises. You crack me up. I come here while I should be working to see what "I'm" doing next!

One little request? Can I get some hot sex in this deal somewhere? *LOL*

GUYS THAT IS FUCKING FUNNY...i haven't laughed so hard in like months. keep it up, i would enter the thread but wouldnt know what to do with myself.
CHEERS an the shots are on the house..

Holy dildoes Batman!!!!! Whose ass gets the 16" dildo???

At the Lexcorp Penthouse suite in sunny downtown San Diego...*

"Mr. Luthor, that person is here to see you."

"Keep an eye out. I don't trust that clown."

"Yes Mr. Luthor."

"Hit the boards Mercy. We know that Superman posts there. Figure it out."

"Yes Mr. Luthor."

"After the clown leaves get the 16" dildo ready Mercy. I read what you posted in the thread you started."

"I'm sorry Mr. Luthor."

*The door explodes open* "LEXXIE!!!"

"Joker. What do you want?"

"Cash Lexxie, cold lovely cash. The kind you have too much of."

"Get a job."

"Is that any way to talk to your old pal? Lexxie, have I got a deal for you."

"I'm not interested in your deals. Last time I dealt with you, you nearly blew up half of Metropolis. The half that I own."

"I can get you Superman."

"You said that last time."

"I know who he posts as on the boards. I just don't know who that flying rat in tights is."

"Why should I care who he posts as? I'll soon own those boards anyway."

"Not if that Wayne gets it first. I can get him too. He's very interested in a certain poster, one that you picked up this evening?"

"Muddy muffin. What about her?"

"Brucie boy has it bad for the little Killer. He's been chasing her all over Gotham and the country."

"She isn't going anywhere, she's Mercy's sister."

"Mercy's? I thought she was Deborah's sister."

"Mercy is Deborah."

"Then you must be Flagg. Howse the old anus butt boy? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

"I despise violence Joker, that's what I have Mercy for. Care to find out?"

"Me and muff can get Bruciekins for you. For a fee of course. The site is yours. What do you want with it anyway?"

"Get Wayne out of my way and you'll be paid."

"A billion in cash. I have to bid at the auction on the boards. I'm strapped you know."

"Ridiculous."

"Then let Brucieboy take the site from under your nose. With supes in town, he's a shoe in."

"After I get the sight, you get paid."

"It's a deal Lexxie old man. Put her there pal!"

"Get out."

The Joker was created in 1940, 1 year after Batsy, to appear in the 1st Batman comic

*In a smaller suite at the Excelsior, Lois Lane closes her laptop and heads for the bathroom.*

"Lois, how was your date?"

"Superman! Quit scaring me like that. I didn't get an interview, if thats what you're asking. Did you change your name? You haven't posted in the last day."

"Still Bushido71XS. I've been too busy fighting crime and saving the world to post like Naked Hunny or KillerMuffin does."

*Dropping her robe to the floor* "Gonna take a shower, come scrub my back."

*Elsewhere in the Excelsior...*

"Ya'll know that's really disgusting. Gimme a camera. We could make hundreds selling it on the net."

"Don't you have something better to do? Like help the Joker get rid of Wayne?"

"Nah, he ain't pickin me up til later. He's such a pussy, wouldn't hit the trails with me. Sis? Ya'll got twenty bucks I can borrow? I'm strapped for cash and I gotta get back to the HoJo before Nekkie wears Thumper out. I'm outta gas too. Better make that a hundred."

*From the rooftop across from Luthor's penthouse...*

"Holy ass reaming Batman!! Look at the size of that dildo he's got!"

"He's a sick pervert Robin. Speaking of which, Lois will only screw if you join in."

"Maybe later. Whats the deal with Muffin?"

"We should go in and see. His pet bodyguard is all tied up at the moment, it will be easier. Before that muffin leaves."

Show of hands, who wants to see Batman naked?

*In Luthor's penthouse suite the dynamic duo manage to at last corner that muffin newbie. The dildo weilding Luthor is seperated from his firmly bound and gagged bodyguard...*

Batman: "Where is the Joker?"

Luthor: "I have no idea. Get out."

Batman: "I was asking muffin."

KillerMuffin: "Cool spandex. Are you wearing boxers or briefs?"

Robin: "We don't wear underwear, it causes panty lines."

KillerMuffin: "Ya'll are kiddin!" *squeezes Batman's butt*

Batman: "Don't make me spank you with my utility belt. Where is the Joker?"

KillerMuffin: "He left somewheres to get some stuff. Nice ass."

Luthor: "Need I remind you that this is a private suite? Get out."

Batman: "What is the Joker planning?"

KillerMuffin: "I dunno. He jes said he's gonna save Literotica."

Batman: "The Joker??"

Luthor: "WHAT???"

Thanks for all the mail on this thread all ya'll. I just did it to irritate Lasher. *Wrinkles her nose in disgust* You would think that the man would have the decency to be irritated wouldn't you?

I really don't think this is postable as a story on the site. It concerns copyrighted characters and a large group of people who may not be interested in being permanently associated. This thread will go away, soon probably. I think we should just keep it for the personal joy of those here who care to read it.

Soon as I can figure out what it is, I'll be ending it.

HOLY S**T BATMAN DONT DO THAT. Just for pure enjoyment do i read ya'lls story, keep it up, i wish i had that humor. I could work on it, but that is funny stuff, Keep it up, or let everyone die in an utterly hilarious way.

two thumbs up

Hey, Muffin. When are you gonna post a new part? Your audience is waiting. And we're starting to get impatient.

Batman has THE coolest villains except for Sabertooth, I gotta thing for Sabertooth

*At a seedy yet clean 'rooms by the hour' motel in the bad part of town...*

"Dammit, I now they are in town somewhere. The Joker is here somewhere, Batman is, so the Joker has to be."

"The straight jacket is irritating and I have to go potty."

"Shut up Ivy."

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"SHUT UP! I am trying to think!"

"Trying being the key word."

"You too Two Face. Shut up both of you."

"Well, now I don't have to pee anymore. I hope you brought my spare straigh jackets. Why'd you bring us along anyway?"

"Two Face knows who the Joker is. When we get to Laurel and Manu's server, we can track the Joker through his BB identity."

"But why me?"

"You will distract Batman."

"Robin is more my speed. Now there is a sexy hunk of burnin love. Specially if she brings Carl East along. Whatta man. MMmMMmmMmmMMmMmmm."

"Shut up. After midnight, we're going to the server and we're going to find the Joker."