The "500 Word" Critiques and Discussion

Welcome.

A little while ago I started a feedback thread in which people would sign up to have me look over the first 500 words of their stories. Here is the result - an ongoing series of specific, honest critiques and some discussion of the critiques themselves.

My hope is that, because this is a public forum, many people besides the individual authors will benefit from this.

I'm not a professional editor. I'm only a nit-picky, analytical know-it-all, who gets a kick out of this type of thing. Look over the thread, and if you think you might get something worthwhile out of my comments, feel free to sign up. All you have to do is cut and paste your 500 words here, and I'll give you my honest opinion.

Please don't sign up here on this thread. This thread is just for the critiques and the subsequent discussions with the writers and whoever else.

Ehlanna

ehlanna said:

Kat read the letter yet again: "Kat, Here is your plane ticket. I know it is a long trip and I didn't want you to get bored so I thought it would be a good idea to send along some commands and some stories. The clothes that I sent along with the plane ticket are the ONLY things you will wear. Every hour I want you to read a story and masturbate to it. Do not cum though or I will be very unhappy! Yours truly, Jesse."
When she had received the package and read the letter she was turned on by the commanding presence of it. Now sitting on the plane, she was mortified there was only one seat separated herself and a man. She wondered to herself, "Can I do this? Can I really sit next to this man and rub my pussy? I have no choice. I gave my word I would obey."
The next time the stewardess came by she asked for a blanket and pillow. Covering herself with the blanket she sat back and flipped through the stories noticing they were printed from an internet site but were well chosen with her tastes in mind. Starting in on the first story it didn't take her long to find that she could touch herself. Her hand had drifted to her thigh. Kat brushed her hand over her thighs barely touching the bottom of her skirt just teasing. She looked good and she knew it but she was still embarrassed to commit herself to touching her private areas.
She glanced over to the man sitting next to her. From some polite talking they had done earlier while the flight was first starting she knew he was from Australia and going back home. He had an air of confidence about him that made up for his slightly plain looks. Kat noticed that he was asleep and decided it was a good time to masturbate. His longish brown hair kept attracting her attention though. It was that very dark colour that she liked and it looked so soft. Her hands ached to touch it and feel if it was as soft as it looked. "What is wrong with me? First I am worried about sitting next to a man and masturbating now I am thinking about bringing his attention to me." Kat decided to mind her own business and finish the story. She was immensely turned on by the end of the story and was rubbing her clit slowly trying to tease herself without making herself cum. After a few minutes she finally gave in to the fatigue that had been pulling at her since the plane left two hours before. The stories and the letter laid on her blanket that covered her.

Click to expand...

Ehlanna, please remember that I am only going on these first 500 words. I am typing my thoughts as they occur to me. Therefore, some of my comments will be off base. However, also keep in mind that your reader will be starting at the same point I am, so if anything I bring up isn't addressed later in the story, you might want to consider making some changes.

1. I'm only marginally aware of the BDSM lifestyle, so forgive my ignorance, but the letter seems a little wishy-washy for a Master. Jesse seems too considerate for me to take his commands seriously. The exclamation point robs the command of its power. "Yours truly," seems too friendly. Maybe no signature at all would be better. Also, a letter doesn't have presence. Tone, maybe, would be a better word.

Keep the sentences short in the letter. Make them all commands. "Wear only the clothes in this box, nothing else. Masturbate to one of the enclosed stories every hour until the plane touches down. Do not cum or I will be...very unhappy."

Still, this letter opens the story with a bang. There's immediate tension and a question of whether she'll follow through. (Even if the reader sort of assumes she will.)

2. Now sitting on the plane, she was mortified there was only one seat separated herself and a man.

Separating?

3. She wondered to herself, "Can I do this? Can I really sit next to this man and rub my pussy? I have no choice. I gave my word I would obey."

No need for quotes. Try italics to show a character's inner dialogue. Also, this line of thought is a tad too long. I'd do it more like this:

Can I do this? she wondered. Can I really sit next to this man and rub my pussy? But she had no choice but to obey. She'd given her word.

No need to say "to herself," because wondering is always to yourself. When you use inner dialogue, just introduce the first sentence or so as actual thought, and then you'll already have the reader in the mind of the character so the switch back to narrative will be smooth.

4. Covering herself with the blanket she sat back and flipped through the stories noticing they were printed from an internet site but were well chosen with her tastes in mind.

Comma after "stories." Watch the passive voice here. Maybe you could insert the idea that JESSE had chosen the stories and make him the subject of a more active sentence.

5. Her hand had drifted to her thigh. Kat brushed her hand over her thighs barely touching the bottom of her skirt just teasing. She looked good and she knew it but she was still embarrassed to commit herself to touching her private areas.

Thigh, thighs seems repetitive. Comma after "barely" and "skirt." I'm wondering why you talk about her knowing she looked good here. Doesn't seem to have anything to do with the situation. Besides, she's hidden under the blanket.

6. She glanced over to the man sitting next to her. From some polite talking they had done earlier while the flight was first starting she knew he was from Australia and going back home. He had an air of confidence about him that made up for his slightly plain looks. Kat noticed that he was asleep and decided it was a good time to masturbate. His longish brown hair kept attracting her attention though. It was that very dark colour that she liked and it looked so soft. Her hands ached to touch it and feel if it was as soft as it looked.

This section needs some tightening. For example, change "over to" to "at." Change "From some polite talking they had done earlier while the flight was first starting," to "From their earlier conversation." "Making herself cum," could be just "cumming."

The paragraph wanders. You talk about the man. Then about the masturbating. Then you go back to the man. Organize your thoughts. I'd stick with the description (tighten that up too) and then get her back to her task.

7. Perhaps you should tell her destination in the letter so we don't find out in a roundabout way when we encounter the Australian man going home.

8. Replace "laid" with "lay." I know it sounds weird, but it's correct.

9. Remember that for online stories, you don't indent for new paragraphs. You double-space.

10. Finally, I'm intrigued to find out what's going to happen with the mysterious Aussie. I suspect he's going to discover what she's been reading and some naughtiness will ensue. Good for you. Keep the plot moving. Nice start.

I hope this helps.

--

Edited to add: Ehlanna, I admire you for going first. That's tough when you don't know what to expect. I hope it wasn't too brutal.

General tip:

When you edit yourself, look for those types of extra words that probably don't need to be there. Try to substitute an active verb for any form of "to be" that occurs. Don't kill yourself eliminating the wases, but be wary of entire paragraphs where "to be" is the only verb.

On my own personal list of words to watch for as I'm revising are: "sort of," "began to," "started to," "seem," and "seemed to." I routinely do a search for those and delete or substitute as needed. Most of the time when I write "seemed to" or "sort of," I'm just being too wimpy to say what I mean.

For example, "The orgasm seemed to burst inside her like a solar flare." "Seemed to" doesn't need to be there at all.

Route66Girl

Teenagers hate their hometowns. They look around and all they want is what’s not there.

“This town is so lame.”

How true.

I must have uttered those words at least a hundred times as I was growing up in Kent River. It was a typical small town. Not much happened there.

Even the surrounding countryside seemed dull, as there was nothing but farmland. And only miles of lava rock fields and barren hills hemmed in those acres of potato farms.

I'd link these two paragraphs. It's all the same subject.

It took a long time to really appreciate where I came from. I was twenty-three years old the early summer morning that it finally dawned on me how beautiful that country really is.

Nice hook. I want to see what happened to cause the epiphany.

I was naked, the smell of sex still clinging to me. Propped up on my elbows, I lay back halfway on a scratchy wool blanket that had proven to be less comfortable than the ground we’d thrown it down on. Didn’t matter. I loved every sensation. I burrowed my feet into the soft dirt, wriggling my toes. Felt good. The smell of the earth flooded my senses, and the only sound that broke the silence was the soft chirping of a few nearby crickets.

It was still dark enough that stars filled most of the sky, but it must have been around four in the morning. The eastern horizon was taking on the telltale bluish glow of dawn.

This is terrific. Your casual style shines through with the fragments. I hope it continues throughout the story. The scene is beautifully set here. Phrases I especially liked: "the smell of sex still clinging to me," "telltale bluish glow of dawn."

"less comfortable than the ground we'd thrown it down on." This phrase seems awkward. I'd reword it. Also, you use "smell" twice in that paragraph.

About fifteen feet away from me, leaning up against his Harley, was Cole Jones. He was only a year or two older than I, but always had the demeanor of someone older than his years, even when I first knew him at age twelve. It’s difficult to say exactly why he seemed older. Maybe it was his voice, which was so low and gravelly… edgy. Or maybe it was his hair, at the time shoulder-length, which was so shock-blond that it almost looked white. Perhaps it was his eyes- a light, ice blue with a haunted glint in them that told you they’d seen far too much for someone so young.

Cole had never been tall, nor was he bulky. But his naked, wiry frame made an impressive silhouette against the sky that early morning. It was too dark yet to see his face at that distance - only the burning tip of a cigarette periodically lit up his features when he took a drag.

He leaned against the motorcycle in silence. I was quiet as well.

Again, this is just wonderful. I can see, smell, taste, feel it all. I am THERE. Great job. Love the cig sentence.

I don’t remember now, six years later, how that night started out. Had we gone out to dinner? Was that the day we’d taken his nephew and my niece out to see The Lion King? I remember that it was the first time I’d seen him in a long time. I’d just come back from… which place? Utah? Oregon? Wyoming?

I suppose it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that every time I’ve had one chapter in my life end and another begin, Cole Jones was there, suspended in limbo along with me.

That night, I’d clung fast to him as he drove out along the country roads, both of us thinking we knew how the night would end.

All right, here I'd cut a bunch of sentences. I don't feel they add much and make me want to scan. I'd go straight from "I don't remember, six years later, how that night started out." to "I suppose it doesn’t matter."

The next sentence is key, obviously, to your story, but I don't think it belongs here.

I don’t know what time it was when he pulled over and we stepped off the bike. I just remember how beautiful the night seemed, how peaceful it felt. I don’t remember, either, if we even spoke before he kissed me.

Sometimes repetition is a nice device, but it's not working for me here. There's so much that you don't remember or don't know, and it's bugging me a little. Maybe it just needs some juggling. Or, perhaps "Sometime after midnight, he pulled over..." or something like that would work here.

Get rid of "just." It's not necessary.

The gist of the last sentence is great. Damned if I don't want to be you.

To sum up, most of this is terrific. The stuff I pointed out was really picky shit. Great job.

Flash Boy

Before I start in on Flash Boy, I wanted to say you're welcome to Ehlanna. She thanked me via PM. I appreciate the acknowledgement. Hint hint.

--

Tony and Guy, a plumber and his mate, are in Mr. Wheeler’s kitchen, fixing his sink.

His wife is out shopping with their two children, and Wheeler has been left with orders to fix the leaking tap once and for all, before his sister-in-law arrives next weekend.
His wife and kids love him, but they pick on him a bit, because he’s so easy going. He’s also kind of lazy. So instead of fixing the sink, he calls Tony and Guy, who he finds from the Yellow Pages.

Flash, I'm not sure if the above passage is just a set-up for me, or part of the actual story. I'm going to assume the latter.

You should keep your story all in one tense. Here you start out with present tense--everything happening as we read it, and then you switch to past tense. I HIGHLY recommend past tense for novice writers.

I suggest that you rewrite this beginning. The old adage, "Show, don't tell," applies here. You TELL us he's lazy, that he's picked on, etc. It's almost always better to SHOW us that instead. Show us the actual discussion between Wheeler and his wife, that way we can see him getting picked on. When he decides to look up a plumber in the Yellow Pages, you can SHOW him being lazy by his actions and thoughts. You'll find your story is much more dynamic if you resist the urge to tell the story like you're sitting around a campfire.

Then perhaps have a scene break (triple space or put *** or something like that to indicate a scene change) if you're going to go directly to the plumbers being there.

Guy leaned against the kitchen counter, playing with a wrench.
Tony stood by the sink and stared at Wheeler, a slight smile playing around his eyes.

“Pretty simple job, buster. You some kind of wuss, can’t even fix a leaking tap? This is gonna cost ya two hundred nuggets before we even start, ya know.”

It's unclear who's speaking here. Add a tag to clarify the speaker. If it's Guy:

Guy leaned against the kitchen counter, playing with a wrench. “Pretty simple job, buster. You some kind of wuss, can’t even fix a leaking tap? This is gonna cost ya two hundred nuggets before we even start, ya know.”

Not sure a smile can play around eyes...

“I – I’m not very good at this kind of stuff,” Wheeler stammered.
Tony looked over at Guy. “Hear that, Guy? He say’s he ain’t so good at this kind of stuff.”
Guy stood up, still holding the wrench. They were both tall, dressed in dirty blue jeans and black tee shirts with “Tony and Guy Plumbing” printed on them. Guy looked a lot younger, probably about twenty. He had curly blond hair. Tony was Italian looking, and his black hair was slicked back. They were both well-muscled, in stark contrast to the distinctly flabby and paunchy-looking Wheeler.

I thought Guy WAS standing. Perhaps "straightened."

Try to put more umph into your physical descriptions. Active verbs can work well. For example:

Guy looked younger than Tony, probably about twenty. Blond hair curled over his ears and neck and dusted his forearms. Tony, on the other hand, reminded Wheeler of a stereo-typical mobster with his slicked back hair and heavy Bronx accent. Compared to their well-muscled physiques, Wheeler felt embarrassed about his paunch.

“I can’t stand wusses,” said Guy.
“Me neither. Look mister, for guys like you we hafta charge extra.”

Comma after "Look."

Nice job with the accents.

“What do you mean, ‘charge extra’?” Wheeler was getting anxious. There was something dangerous about these men.

Strive for active verbs. See if you can substitute the wases with something else. For example, make "anxiety" the subject of the sentence. Show us through Wheeler's eyes what makes the two men seem dangerous. Something in their eyes? The looks they keep exchanging? SHOW, DON't TELL.

“Guy, show him what we mean, will ya.”
Guy slowly unbuttoned his fly, without taking his eyes off Wheeler. He reached in and pulled out a massive cock. Even though didn’t have a hard-on, it was at least eight inches long. He licked the tip of his dirty and oily index finger and played it around the tip of his helmet, till it was wet.
“Get on your knees, cocksucker and start sucking,” ordered Tony.

Nice description of the cock. Take out that last comma and substitute "until" for "till." Good choice of verbs in "licked" and "played," but how about "glistened," instead of "was wet?"

Wheeler obeyed, too afraid to argue.

You're missing a great opportunity to up the Hot Factor here. SHOW us what Wheeler is thinking here. Tell us how his body is reacting (sweating, shaking, butterflies in stomach, whatever) and what thoughts are going through his mind. You're aiming for a non-consentual situation, and fans of this type enjoy experiencing that helplessness, so milk it.

Guy pushed his cock into Wheeler’s mouth. He felt it against his tongue and the roof of his mouth, getting harder, pushing itself down his throat like a living snake as it extended, till he gagged.

Even though it's obvious that the "he" you refer to is Wheeler, that pronoun is still ambiguous. There are three guys here. It's tricky to keep them straight. Don't be afraid to use their names or some other descriptor (like "the blond") if you think a reader might get confused.

The living snake comparison is great, but you push this sentence just a tad too long, making it awkward. Here's what I'd suggest:

As Guy pushed his cock inside, Wheeler felt hardening against his tongue and the roof of his mouth. With every surge of blood, it pushed itself down his throat like a living snake, extending until he gagged.


Also, again, milk the scene for all it's worth. Explain what's going through Wheeler's mind. Has he sucked a man before? Is this distasteful or exciting? Has he always wondered what it would be like? Etc. When you describe the character's thoughts and feelings and reactions, you invite the reader to share and live in the story, instead of just witnessing it.

What's Wheeler doing? Is he pushing against Guy's hips to keep him from thrusting too hard? And what's Tony doing? What sounds can be heard? What smells?

“Suck, you little fuck,” shouted Guy.
Wheeler sucked.
“Put your hands on my ass. Feel them butt muscles. Do you like it? Do you like my big cock in your mouth, you cocksucking wuss?”
Wheeler nodded, praying his wife and kids wouldn’t come in and see him doing this.

I want to see what Wheeler's reaction is to this dirty talk. You're dabbling with his reactions in that prayer about his wife. That's exactly what I'm talking about, but to make the scene really POP, you need to go farther.

“Mister, you better swallow it all, or there’s a surcharge.”
Guy gave a mighty thrust, and came into Wheelers mouth. Wheeler couldn’t believe how much cum the man spurted. Wave after wave of hot jets hit the back of his throat, and trickled into his stomach as he desperately swallowed, keeping his lips tight in case any spilt.

What about "Pussy," instead of "Mister?" That seems to keep more with the abusive attitude of the plumbers.

Perhaps you want to have Guy hold Wheeler's head still while he comes?

Should be "Wheeler's" instead of "Wheelers" to show possession.

The last sentence, again, is a tad too long and awkward. Split it into two. Describe the taste, perhaps any sounds Guy makes as he comes, the disgust/satisfaction that Wheeler experiences. Perhaps he's wondering if Tony's going to take a turn too...

Don't forget to double space between paragraphs.

You've got a good start here, you just need to expand. No need to get too verbose, but in my opinion your descriptions need more umph. It's like I'm watching the scene through thick plexiglass with sunglasses on. I want to be IN THE ROOM with them. I want to see, smell, taste, feel, hear what they're hearing. That's what's going to get the reader excited.

I hope this helps!

Killermuffin

Most of this critique is picky shit, KM. The mood is menacing and smooth, like a panther. Nice. I'm immediately curious about their past relationship and why it has changed tonight.

All I could see was the tip of the knife. There was a gorgeous, naked woman standing between me and the soft light of a lamp and all I could see was the black tip of the knife sticking past her thigh. A cold shiver of fear ran through my nerves; it was almost painful in its intensity.

"THere was" -- Change this. You know why.

Maybe change "and" to "but," to emphasize the hypnotic sight of the knife.

The descr. of the knife is vague enough so that I'm not sure if she's been stabbed or not. Is this on purpose? Maybe it's the word "sticking."

Not sure if a "shiver" can "run through" nerves.

“You’re afraid.” Her voice was soft and gentle, touching the chill in my heart with its warmth.

Not sure about "touching." It's vague.

I couldn’t say anything. The tip disappeared behind from the space between thighs, but it didn’t matter. I knew it was there.

Maybe "knife tip" or "blade?"

Are you missing a word before thighs?

“You know that I love you,” she said.

The knife was still in my mind. I knew it was black and that it had a skinny blade. It was probably long, too.

“I will never hurt you.”

It was probably sharp. Honed with a stone until the gleaming silver could cut a hair with no effort. Or my skin.

The rhythm of this passage is good. Goes between the reassurance of her words and the knowledge of the dangerous knife. "Honed with a stone" sounds a little Dr. Seussish to me. I'd replace thin with skinny. Skinny sounds a little too light and airy to me. Maybe narrow? I dunno.

It's gleaming silver? I thought it was black.

She put her hand on my shoulder, her palm burning into my bare skin. I met her eyes and watched her smile. Something in those warm, brown eyes cut through the image of the knife and I remembered how gentle she always was. An answering smile quivered on my lips. With the sharp edge of my fear gone, I let her guide me onto my back.

I'd take out "into" in the first sent.

I see why you chose "cut," but it doesn't quite work for me. I think you're pushing the knife imagery a little too far.

I nearly screamed when she put the knife on me, the long, curved blade bisecting my breasts. The steel was cold and as black as my nightmares. The handle was warm and clung to my flesh. I wanted to crawl out from under it, but I couldn’t make myself move. She curled up next to me, wrapping her welcome heat against my side.

WHOA. It's a girl! For some reason, I assumed the narrator was a male. Was it because the narrator described the her as "gorgeous and naked?" Maybe it's because I'm hetero... I don't know why I made that assumption. Maybe you should try to insert some clue earlier that the narrator is female.

I'd reword sent. #2 like this: The steel (wasn't it silver before?) was cold and black, like my nightmares. Nice simile, though!

Threading her fingers through my hair, she sang to me.

Her voice was husky smooth, like old Kentucky bourbon. A capella, it was gentle and sweet. The Spanish words wove a spell of love and tranquility; they massaged my wounded heart like nothing else could.

I think I've read this (spot on, by the way) comparison to bourbon from you before, maybe in a poem?

You've got two wases in a row there...

To sum up, nice work, of course. Your voice is very recognizable, at least to me. That's a good thing. I think the knife language is a tad heavy-handed, but like I said, most of what I pointed out is picky shit. That's what I do best. Nit-pick.

Hope this was helpful.

Hey, everyone, is this working? I want this thread to help more than just the individual writers. In other words, I hope that Ehlanna will get something from, not just her personal critique, but all the others as well. (I only picked her name because she was the guinea pig.)

Also, I'm a reasonable gal, and, I think, easy to talk to. I'm more than willing to enter a discussion about any of the comments I make, even if it's not your story. I don't want to come across as a "THIS IS THE LAW AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CROSSING ME" person. Most of what I say here will be my *semi-unprofessional opinion. I'm more knowledgable about writing than some, but not as much as others.

*I did receive a flat payment for my contribution to the Literotica Anthology, but that's the extent of my paid publishing credit to date.

This is Alex (fem)'s post

I want this thread to help more than just the individual writers. In other words...

Yes, for me it is very good, and I am extremely appreciative.

I read lots of feedback of other people's stories, especially those given by the more experienced writers.

Much of what I have learnt since coming here has been by reading critiques, rather than stories. I find it's a excellent learning tool.

Many times I think u-oh, that's what I've been doing, or, yes that's good advice, I should do that too.

Well have a great day,

Alex(fem)

This is KM's post:

Thanks WS! That actually helps a lot! The first impressions are the most important. I'm trying to write something noirish where the knife is almost the antagonist because "I" is so preoccupied with it.

I need to clear up the color things. Almost all knives are shiny where the blade is sharpened. The black matting is something that's applied, not a part of the color of the blade. I need to make that clear. I also think that I should make the gender of "I" abundantly clear from the beginning. Or at least from the end of paragraph one.

I was hoping the tone was coming through and that it wasn't too jerky or unbalanced to read.

I really do intend to edit this piece, actually.

Singularity

From the moment that Chloe steps out of the taxicab in front of the elegant little boutique hotel just off Michigan Avenue in Chicago, it seemed as if every man is looking at her.

Singularity, the first thing you need to do is sort out your tenses. In the first sentence you start out in present tense. "Chloe STEPS." It's happening as we read. But in the same sentence you have "it SEEMED," which indicates something already happened.

You must be consistent.

I see that the majority of this scene is in present tense, but I highly recommend changing it over to past tense. Present tense restricts the variety of sentence structure in a way that I can't explain, and although it's all the rage now in the pop lit culture, but it's difficult to pull off well. Novices probably shouldn't attempt it.

Some people have trouble writing in past tense, so if you decide to take my advice, it might help to pretend like you're telling the story to someone over coffee.

Men scanning her face, their unabashed, envious gazes roving over her body. Eyes checking out her tits, her ass - sizing up her smile as if measuring her for a blowjob. Staring at her, leering, undressing her with their eyes. Fantasizing about the ripe, young, supple flesh on display - and on the covered, yet not hidden or concealed, parts of her body that telegraphed her openly flaunted sensuality.

You have some nice language and ideas here. Supple--good word. "...as if measuring her for a blowjob"--wonderful.

The choppy style of this paragraph (using the -ing phrases) is effective, but it goes on just a tad too long. I definitely wouldn't let it spill into the next paragraph.

"Telegraphed" and "openly flaunted" seem redundant to me.

Minds racing, trying to think of the perfect pick-up line, something smooth and sophisticated. Something witty and provocative, yet inoffensive. Not seeking the key to her heart, but hungrily craving a taste of her mortal flesh. Anything, any excuse, to get to speak to her, to know her, to seduce her - and to fuck her.

Like I said, the snippy style here goes on too long for me, but that's just my opinion. I'd fill out the fragments and make them whole sentences.

Avoid adverbs unless they're necessary. In this case"hungrily" seems like overkill when you have a spot-on verb like "craving."

No comma after "excuse."

The last phrase, "and to fuck her" might be effective as a paragraph on its own.

Chloe stands, motionless, on the sidewalk, taking it all in. She feels the hot, wicked, and perverted thoughts emanating from the men milling around her like wolves circling their prey. They radiate their intent like a beam of energy, transmitting their primal heat into Chloe’s luscious young body. Chloe reels from the intensity of the mental fusillade, her mind already drunk with her own passions and cravings. The entire core of her being is vibrating like a tuning fork, vibrating a single, high, pure note of hedonism and lust.

I don't think you need to bracket "motionless" with commas. They're not necessary.

This is a nice paragraph, full of some great images and comparisons, but are there too many? Could you maybe move the tuning fork idea (which is brilliant) to some other place in the story and let the wolf idea dominate here? Maybe change "beam of energy" into a phrase that continues the wolf idea?

This is picky, but I don't think you need "entire."

It is like this each and every time. It is nothing at all like what Chloe experiences the rest of the week. This is so special, so unique, so sinful, so wicked. God, how she loves it, how desperately she needs it!

You really like repetition. It can be a very effective device, but I think you're overdoing it. You put forth an idea and then bam, bam, bam, add phrases or sentences in a certain rhythm. Do you see what I'm talking about? If you don't, I can point out the specific places. I think you should figure out where you like it best and then reword the other instances so that rhythm isn't so, well, repetitive.

Today, like every Wednesday afternoon, Chloe has come here, come in search of what she has become addicted to, what she thinks about constantly, and what she desperately needs to make it the rest of the way through the week.

Here's that rhythm again.

I'm curious to see what draws her. I'm sure it's sexual, but I'm interested to see exactly what it is. Nice job of teasing the reader.

As she has each and every Wednesday prior to this, Chloe is dressed like the hot, nubile young woman she is. A woman who is young enough to still be experimenting with her sexuality and discovering new passions and new tastes on the tree of the forbidden fruit; yet a woman confident enough in herself and her body to show it off openly and proudly. A woman mature enough to know that when you find what you are seeking, you seize it and hold it close, even if it did not fit the conventional mores of society or come close to what most people would consider normal.

Again you have some (very long) incomplete sentences. I suggest you make them complete sentences. Incomplete sentences have their place in modern fiction, despite what your teachers taught you, but that place is limited. A style that relies on incomplete sentences is going to get tiresome to read.

The doorman opens the ornate, gleaming, steel and glass door to the hotel. The same liveried sentinel who had been there the Wednesday before, and the one before that. His smile and his twice-over look connote recognition. He remembers her from her earlier visits. Chloe wonders if he knows why she is here. “Of course he does,” she tells herself. “I am here for the same reason that many women pass through this entrance.”

I think there might be one too many adjectives describing the door.

He remembers her from her earlier visits.[/b] This is redundant. You've already indicated he recognizes her in the previous sentence.

Superficially, that is true enough; but Chloe knows with absolute certainty that her real reason for being here is far different from that of most women. She is here for a special purpose, one that would shock and repel most people. Chloe’s needs fall outside the boundaries of convention and propriety. They extend deep into unmapped territory, far beyond the limits of how far most adventurers will travel.

You use "far" twice in that last sentence. How about "differs" instead of "is far different?"

Ah, that tease again. I'm very curious. What's the shocking truth about Chloe?

Your strength is in your language and imagery. I envy you those two zinger similes! (I'm simile-challenged myself.)

But you need to refine the style a bit. Watch out for the repetition and your slight overuse of adjectives.

Best of luck, Singularity.

This is Route66Girl's Post

Whispersecret,

I think this thread is working very well! It's a good idea, and I can see why you're asking for the first 500 words only. It saves time for you since you have less to plough through, sure. But with around 500 words, you can get really specific with your comments. Also, giving us a dissection of the first passages is probably just as effective as critiquing the whole story, if not more so. Getting an idea of what's working or not in the beginning gives the author a chance to look at the rest of the story with a more critical eye on their own. It encourages self-editing.

Thank you for taking a look at the beginning of this as yet untitled story. Your advice has given me a really good idea of not only what to fix at the start, but where I'm going astray after that.

Here it is again with my response

Teenagers hate their hometowns. They look around and all they want is what’s not there.

"This town is so lame."

How true.

I must have uttered those words at least a hundred times as I was growing up in Kent River. It was a typical small town. Not much happened there.

Even the surrounding countryside seemed dull, as there was nothing but farmland. And only miles of lava rock fields and barren hills hemmed in those acres of potato farms.

I'd link these two paragraphs. It's all the same subject. Sure enough! Didn't see that.

It took a long time to really appreciate where I came from. I was twenty-three years old the early summer morning that it finally dawned on me how beautiful that country really is.

Nice hook. I want to see what happened to cause the epiphany. Thanks.

I was naked, the smell of sex still clinging to me. Propped up on my elbows, I lay back halfway on a scratchy wool blanket that had proven to be less comfortable than the ground we’d thrown it down on. Didn’t matter. I loved every sensation. I burrowed my feet into the soft dirt, wriggling my toes. Felt good. The smell of the earth flooded my senses, and the only sound that broke the silence was the soft chirping of a few nearby crickets.

It was still dark enough that stars filled most of the sky, but it must have been around four in the morning. The eastern horizon was taking on the telltale bluish glow of dawn.

This is terrific. Your casual style shines through with the fragments. I hope it continues throughout the story. The scene is beautifully set here. Phrases I especially liked: "the smell of sex still clinging to me," "telltale bluish glow of dawn."

"less comfortable than the ground we'd thrown it down on." This phrase seems awkward. I'd reword it. Also, you use "smell" twice in that paragraph. Unneccesary reptition of words is one of my foibles (just ask Rumple ) I'm getting better about it. Slowly but surely. Also, the blanket sentence felt clunky to me as well. I wasn't sure if it was just me, though, lol. Guess not.

About fifteen feet away from me, leaning up against his Harley, was Cole Jones. He was only a year or two older than I, but always had the demeanor of someone older than his years, even when I first knew him at age twelve. It’s difficult to say exactly why he seemed older. Maybe it was his voice, which was so low and gravelly… edgy. Or maybe it was his hair, at the time shoulder-length, which was so shock-blond that it almost looked white. Perhaps it was his eyes- a light, ice blue with a haunted glint in them that told you they’d seen far too much for someone so young.

Cole had never been tall, nor was he bulky. But his naked, wiry frame made an impressive silhouette against the sky that early morning. It was too dark yet to see his face at that distance - only the burning tip of a cigarette periodically lit up his features when he took a drag.

He leaned against the motorcycle in silence. I was quiet as well.

Again, this is just wonderful. I can see, smell, taste, feel it all. I am THERE. Great job. Love the cig sentence. Aw, shucks...

I don’t remember now, six years later, how that night started out. Had we gone out to dinner? Was that the day we’d taken his nephew and my niece out to see The Lion King? I remember that it was the first time I’d seen him in a long time. I’d just come back from… which place? Utah? Oregon? Wyoming?

I suppose it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that every time I’ve had one chapter in my life end and another begin, Cole Jones was there, suspended in limbo along with me.

That night, I’d clung fast to him as he drove out along the country roads, both of us thinking we knew how the night would end.

All right, here I'd cut a bunch of sentences. I don't feel they add much and make me want to scan. I'd go straight from "I don't remember, six years later, how that night started out." to "I suppose it doesn’t matter." I didn't expect that. When writing it, I thought that a quick look at what may have happened earlier in the night might give the reader some insight. But I did a quick draft yesterday of that part with the ommission you recommended, and you're right- the flow is better.

The next sentence is key, obviously, to your story, but I don't think it belongs here. That's another eye-opener. I wanted to have that sporadic facet of the relationship in place, narratively speaking, before things got hot and heavy. But perhaps it can work better elsewhere and not get in the way of the flow.

I don’t know what time it was when he pulled over and we stepped off the bike. I just remember how beautiful the night seemed, how peaceful it felt. I don’t remember, either, if we even spoke before he kissed me.

Sometimes repetition is a nice device, but it's not working for me here. There's so much that you don't remember or don't know, and it's bugging me a little. Maybe it just needs some juggling. Or, perhaps "Sometime after midnight, he pulled over..." or something like that would work here. I was afraid of that.

Get rid of "just." It's not necessary. Done.

The gist of the last sentence is great. Damned if I don't want to be you.

To sum up, most of this is terrific. The stuff I pointed out was really picky shit. Great job.

Thank you! You've given me a lot to work with, and I've been able to apply your advice throughout the rest of the story.

Sincerely,
R66G

P.S. I'm going to IM you, if that's okay

You're very welcome, KM. Thanks for the thank you. That sounds dumb, but I mean it. I don't dash these critiques off in five minutes, as you know, and it's nice to know that the victims--er, recipients, appreciate my effort.

---


R66G, you are so welcome! I'm so so glad that I was helpful.

That key sentence thing... Get someone else's opinion on it. It might be fine. I'm only one person. It didn't SCREAM at me, "Put me somewhere else!" But it seemed a tad out of place. Really, it's no big deal.

Again, thanks for the reply. It's that type of thing that's going to keep my motivation up.

This is Singularity's post:

And the Excellence in Editing Award (Short Form) Goes To....<standing ovation>.
I want to thank you, first off, for the critique. It is the most specific and useful I’ve received, either on Literotica, or elsewhere.

And consistent with what the other grateful recipients have said, I can also vouch for the spot-on analysis.

The ‘tenses’ thing is something I struggle with. Others have told me that past tense is better, and in my mind I believe it. Now, if I could only convince my fingers to type that way!

The inconsistent tense in the first paragraph is an obvious oops. Shame on me.

The general tightening-up and removal of redundant words recommendations also help. It is hard to find some of these on your own.

And I agree that the style in these first few paragraphs is choppy and fast. I wanted to convey the sense that Chloe is in a pretty chaotic state, and is hearing and feeling lots of mental images and voices in her head as she enters the hotel. Trying to follow that old dictum of ‘show, don’t tell’, etc.

Perhaps I did overdo the mental-crescendo mood a bit outside the hotel, though. I’ll give some serious thought to how I might change parts of it to smooth it out.

Once she is inside, the tone changes significantly and becomes more regular. Now if you up the limit to 1000 words, or if you read the final version when it is ready, you can see for yourself. Otherwise, you will just have to trust me on that.

The ‘rhythm’ thing you point out is going to be hard for me to change. I like the sound and the taste and the feel of the words to help colorize and bring the story to life. I read each of the stories aloud to Michelle (the Michelle of the Training Michelle story series) and I find that, when spoken aloud, the extra phrasing just sounds so damn erotic to the ear.

Do you think it hurts to be consciously writing something that is intended to be read aloud, and listened to; as much as it is intended for the printed page?

I truly appreciate your taking the time. I will drop you a note when the great unveiling ceremony occurs. I hope the curiosity about what makes Chloe different keeps you up, sleepless and wondering and speculating, for many nights <grin>.

And please don’t be too disappointed if this one remains in present tense. I’ll try again to go into the past next time, promise.

Singularity

Rumple Foreskin

RP, you have a knack at weaving together their actions with the dialogue. I can easily picture them cooking the tuna dish as they're talking. I see no glaring mechanical errors. However, I had some difficulties with this passage.

"It's just not fair."

From the tone of her friend's voice, Gwen knew Ann was only half-joking. "What's not fair?"

They were in Gwen's dorm room, preparing a supper feast of tuna fish au gratin on rye toast. "It's not fair that you actually met a good-looking single guy under ninety on that geriatric unit disguised as an ophthalmology ward," replied Ann, who was opening a large can of tuna fish.

I'm not sure why an ophthalmology ward would be a place where elderly people are. Am I missing something?

"And while you're making out with this guy,” she continued, "I'm stuck on a unit with a bunch of old farts who can't pee, and jive doctors who keep coming on to me."

"Don't exaggerate," said Gwen. She was carefully placing slices of rye bread in the combination toaster/broiler which was a fixture of her room. "Mark kissed me, once, that’s all. I promise you we haven't been 'making out.'" She was beginning to wish she hadn’t told Ann about being kissed that afternoon.

You've got a lot of "inging" going on. I do that too, but it's not something I'm proud of. Consider changing it from:

…replied Ann, who was opening a large can of tuna fish.
She was carefully placing slices...
She was beginning to wish...

to:

...replied Ann, as she opened a large can of tuna fish.
She carefully placed slices...
She wished

"Of course you haven't been." There was blatant skepticism in Ann's voice. "We all know making out with a patient would be incredibly unprofessional, especially for a lowly nursing student. Just tell me this, are you going back to see him?"

See if you can reword the sentence to get rid of the "There was" phrasing. Try to look for more active verbs than "to be." Like, "Ann's voice held a heavy dose of skepticism." Or, "Ann’s skepticism did not go undetected."

I’m not that savvy about nursing schools, but do they have dorms?

"You and I are just Nurse Techs for the summer, remember? So if I'm assigned to his room, I’ll go back."

This sentence seems a little stilted, like it's only there to get across some information to the reader.

"And you're always assigned to his room, right?"

"Well, okay, I usually am," conceded Gwen. She pulled out the toast and began spreading on mayonnaise.

Usually you don't need to say "began to," "started to," etc. It's stronger to just have them do it. There are exceptions, but 98% of the time you can cut those extraneous words.

"Which means you'll be going back. And when you do go back, you two will end up kissing again.”

I'm not sure why Ann is so opposed to her friend/roommate finding a guy. I find myself not liking her. She started out fine, sort of teasing, but somewhere along the way she started sounding irritated. Is this your intent? Women are usually supportive of each other’s love lives. That’s not to say they’re sometimes not competitive, but if Ann and Gwen are friends, they’d be rooting for each other.

Gwen tried to ignore the tiny quiver in her stomach. The problem was, her friend might be right. At the moment however, Ann's logic was not what she wanted to consider so she changed the subject. "What's wrong with these doctors who keep making passes at you? Are they married or creeps or what?"

"Oh, they're no creepier than most other doctors, I suppose," said Ann while piling tuna fish on two pieces of rye toast. "And I think one is single. The problem is, they're all white. And you know how I feel about dating white guys."

Just like KM's narrator turning out to be female, Ann's being non-white comes as a complete surprise to me. Perhaps you should give a hint of that earlier on. Perhaps through her dialogue?

OH. It just occurred to me that Ann COULD be white and just not want to date white men for some strange reason. Either way, I’m confused instead of curious.

OH again. I went back and found where she said “jive doctors.” Do young people use the term “jive?” That sounds like a seventies term to me. If Ann is supposed to be black, I don’t think you’re quite getting the dialogue right. Try having Ann refer to Gwen as “girlfriend.” Also, sorry if this seems prejudiced, but Ann doesn’t seem like a very black name. It might help clarify her ethnicity to have a name suggestive of her heritage.

This could be just me, but I’m having trouble keeping the two characters straight in my head. It could be the fact that their names are vaguely similar (one-syllable, ending in n), they’re both nurses, they’re both doing the cooking… I’m not getting too much in the way of differences between them in their demeanor, speech, physical description (has there been any?). You might want to consider defining them a little more as characters.

Also, granted my father's a doctor, but why does Ann think most doctors are creeps? Maybe some explanation is needed. Are the doctors always treating her like shit? Are they overly superior, exhibiting the God complex, etc.? Give me some reason why she feels the way she does.

After positioning cheese slices on top of the tuna, Gwen placed the concoction back in the toaster oven. Turning around, she gave her friend a concerned look. "You've mentioned that before, about not dating white guys, but you've never said why. I mean it's none of my business. It’s just that Robin, Sue, and I are white; and we're your friends, aren't we?"

Again, this seems like a strange relationship. How long have they been friends? In my experience, women usually share this type of thing with each other.

"True, but the last time I checked, I'm not dating any of you. Although with the luck I've been having lately with dudes, you're beginning to look better and better, child," said Ann, giving Gwen a lascivious grin.

“Dudes” and “child.” Maybe your story is set in the seventies…? If it isn’t, you might want to ask someone more knowledgeable than I am to help you fix her dialogue so she sounds authentic. Unless you’re purposely making her sound non-ethnic.

"Get away from me, you deviant," laughed Gwen, waving a mayonnaise covered dinner knife in Ann's direction. "My mama warned me about girls like you."

Rumple, I hope I haven't been too brutal. I promised straight-shooting. Remember, this is just my opinion, and I am only one person. I do sincerely hope this helps you.

I want to thank you, first off, for the critique. It is the most specific and useful I’ve received, either on Literotica, or elsewhere.

And consistent with what the other grateful recipients have said, I can also vouch for the spot-on analysis.

You're very welcome.

The ‘tenses’ thing is something I struggle with. Others have told me that past tense is better, and in my mind I believe it. Now, if I could only convince my fingers to type that way!

JUST DO IT.

The general tightening-up and removal of redundant words recommendations also help. It is hard to find some of these on your own.

Amen to that, bruddah. Don't I know it.

And I agree that the style in these first few paragraphs is choppy and fast. I wanted to convey the sense that Chloe is in a pretty chaotic state, and is hearing and feeling lots of mental images and voices in her head as she enters the hotel. Trying to follow that old dictum of ‘show, don’t tell’, etc.

Perhaps I did overdo the mental-crescendo mood a bit outside the hotel, though. I’ll give some serious thought to how I might change parts of it to smooth it out.

Well, remember, it's just my opinion. There's a multi-published author who has two novels and a short story I've read, and I couldn't abide her overuse of the one sentence paragraph for emphasis. Other people rave about her work. I couldn't stand it. But she's published...<shrugs>

Once she is inside, the tone changes significantly and becomes more regular. Now if you up the limit to 1000 words, or if you read the final version when it is ready, you can see for yourself. Otherwise, you will just have to trust me on that.

Ain't gonna happen! God, 500 words is taking about an hour or more anyway.

The ‘rhythm’ thing you point out is going to be hard for me to change. I like the sound and the taste and the feel of the words to help colorize and bring the story to life. I read each of the stories aloud to Michelle (the Michelle of the Training Michelle story series) and I find that, when spoken aloud, the extra phrasing just sounds so damn erotic to the ear.

Do you think it hurts to be consciously writing something that is intended to be read aloud, and listened to; as much as it is intended for the printed page?

Hmmm. Well, poetry is intended to be read aloud, but erotic fiction...? I'm not sure. I've never read anything out loud to my husband. But I know that there are plenty of people who do. I don't think you can assume that people will read it aloud. If you want people to read it aloud, you might want to include a little note to that effect at the beginning of the story.

And please don’t be too disappointed if this one remains in present tense. I’ll try again to go into the past next time, promise.

Oh, please. I have no problem with anyone here not agreeing with my points of view here. These are your stories to do with as you see fit. As long as the authors seriously consider my comments and have valid reasons for disagreeing, that's perfectly fine.

This is Rumple Foreskin's Post:

RUMPLE REGOUPS

WS,

Many thanks for the feedback. I’ll try to explain (not defend) some of items you mentioned, such as the uncertain time setting which you brought up several times.

The story is set in the summer of 1970 in NYC. In the paragraphs that immediately follow this excerpt, they watch a “Star Trek” re-run on Gwen’s black and white TV while eating, “Tuna Fish Au Gratin on Rye Toast ala Bellevue School of Nursing.”

With luck, this dating explains some of the dialogue problems such as , “jive," and, "dude,” you noted. However, considering the amount of confusion the issue caused you, I’m going to look at bringing up the date a little sooner.

--

WS: I'm not sure why an ophthalmology ward would be a place where elderly people are. Am I missing something?

RF: In this age of managed health care, there are no ophthalmology wards. Back when they still existed, the bulk of patients were past middle age since that group suffers more from the very common problem of cataracts and diabetes related eye conditions.

--

WS: You've got a lot of "inging" going on. I do that too, but it's not something I'm proud of. Consider changing it from:

…replied Ann, who was opening a large can of tuna fish.
She was carefully placing slices...
She was beginning to wish...

to:

...replied Ann, as she opened a large can of tuna fish.
She carefully placed slices...
She wished

RF: Will do. Many thanks. Maybe it’s just the way my little pointed head works, but examples really do help.

--

WS: See if you can reword the sentence to get rid of the "There was" phrasing. Try to look for more active verbs than "to be." Like, "Ann's voice held a heavy dose of skepticism." Or, "Ann’s skepticism did not go undetected."

RF: Will do.

--

WS: I’m not that savvy about nursing schools, but do they have dorms?

RF: To quote an old hymn, “If it were not so, I would have told you.” At the time, special dorms for RN level nursing students, especially those in three year, hospital run diploma schools, were the norm. Since then, most of those programs have been replaced by college run, bachelor degree granting programs, which treat students in nursing like all the other undergrads when it comes to housing.

--

"You and I are just Nurse Techs for the summer, remember? So if I'm assigned to his room, I’ll go back."

WS: This sentence seems a little stilted, like it's only there to get across some information to the reader.

RF: I agree, approximately 100%, and I’m still struggling with the sucker.

--

WS: Also, granted my father's a doctor, but why does Ann think most doctors are creeps? Maybe some explanation is needed. Are the doctors always treating her like shit? Are they overly superior, exhibiting the God complex, etc.? Give me some reason why she feels the way she does.

RF: I may throw in a line about her having the tradition student nurse attitude toward doctor’s, especially interns and residents.

The answer to all your questions is, yes. It may be better in this day and age. But the negative attitude was based on several factors. Most of the young doctor types were overworked, insecure, horny guys; most of the student nurses were young females in an age when the women’s liberation movement was picking up steam. Getting constantly “hit on” or overhearing two residents refer to nurses as “para-professionals” can also give you an attitude.

There were/are many “good guys” among the medicos. But nurses and, most especially, student nurses, tended to presume guilt until a doctor proved himself innocent.

--

WS: I'm not sure why Ann is so opposed to her friend/roommate finding a guy. I find myself not liking her. She started out fine, sort of teasing, but somewhere along the way she started sounding irritated. Is this your intent? Women are usually supportive of each other’s love lives. That’s not to say they’re sometimes not competitive, but if Ann and Gwen are friends, they’d be rooting for each other.

RF: This is probably a function of my imperfect effort to turn a chapter from my first novel into a short story. Ann is black in an age of growing black militancy. The heart of the story is her telling Gwen about why she won’t date white guys (sexual exploitation by a white h/s teacher). Gwen’s guy is not only white, he’s from the south.

--

WS: Rumple, I hope I haven't been too brutal. I promised straight-shooting. Remember, this is just my opinion, and I am only one person. I do sincerely hope this helps you.

RF: You were a pussycat in comparison to an oft-published friend of mine who first worked over the chapter preceding this one in which Gwen is kissed. Her feedback was frank, heartless, uncompromising, and the best help I’ve ever received. I’ve thanked her many times since, and I thank you now.

If you have any other questions or additional thoughts, please don’t hesitate to e-mail or PM me. Also, please let me know if there’s ever any similar task I can do for you.

Rumple Foreskin

Many thanks for the feedback. I’ll try to explain (not defend) some of items you mentioned...

Hey, explanation and defense are both valid responses. I fully expect someone who takes writing seriously to defend their stylistic decisions. If any of you have reasons why you don't want to go along with something I suggest, I encourage you to go ahead and tell us so!

The story is set in the summer of 1970 in NYC.

Ah. Then don't worry so much about my confusion on the setting. It's only the first 500. However, the vernacular could still be improved. Check out Quint's Talisman chapter for a good example.

In this age of managed health care, there are no ophthalmology wards. Back when they still existed, the bulk of patients were past middle age since that group suffers more from the very common problem of cataracts and diabetes related eye conditions.

Okay. The fact remains that I was taken out of the story by confusion. You might want to consider either smoothly inserting some more info so her comment is understandable, or just reword it so that there's no reference to the elderly and ophthalmology.

WS: I'm not sure why Ann is so opposed to her friend/roommate finding a guy. I find myself not liking her. She started out fine, sort of teasing, but somewhere along the way she started sounding irritated. Is this your intent? Women are usually supportive of each other’s love lives. That’s not to say they’re sometimes not competitive, but if Ann and Gwen are friends, they’d be rooting for each other.

RF: This is probably a function of my imperfect effort to turn a chapter from my first novel into a short story. Ann is black in an age of growing black militancy. The heart of the story is her telling Gwen about why she won’t date white guys (sexual exploitation by a white h/s teacher). Gwen’s guy is not only white, he’s from the south.

Okay, I understand why Ann doesn't like white guys, but the relationship between the women is still strange. Are there any women out there who want to chime in on this issue? I could be way off base here.

You are very welcome, RF. I thank you for your offer of reciprocation.

the_bragis

"Hold all my calls for the next hour please, Alex. I need to catch up on a few things. Oh, and get me a coffee will you doll, and a sandwich too."

Set off names/endearments with commas. "Oh, and get me a coffee, will you, doll, and a sandwich too."

Wendel Kerr was a busy man. Working as director of one of the largest merchant banks in the city, he was always busy and under a lot of stress. Today was no different. His mind was racing as he flicked though the papers on his secretary's desk, before bundling them up and walking towards his office. He was still deep in concentration reading the first page as he closed the door behind him.

You've got "was busy" and "was always busy."

Watch your use of "to be" verbs. I know some people really hate having their work rewritten/butchered, for good reason, but sometimes showing an example of how to fix it can help. I’ve whittled down five wases down to two. I know from experience how easy it can be to fall back on “to be,” but strive for precise verbs. I also took out “Today was no different.” It seemed unnecessary and slowed down the pace of the paragraph, which I figured you wanted sort of harried because of the topic. If you don’t like what I did, that’s really perfectly fine, but do try to avoid “to be” when you can.

As director of one of the largest merchant banks in the city, Wendell Kerr lived under a mantle of constant stress, a slave to his appointment book. His mind raced as he flicked though the papers on his secretary's desk before bundling (snatching?) them up and walking (hustling?) towards his office. He was still concentrating on the first page he closed the door behind him.

"Don't say a word slutboy, and no one gets hurt," a sultry voice behind him purred.

Comma after “word.”

Immediately he dropped the papers, but before he had a chance to pick them up or turn around, a leather clad hand had gripped firmly over his mouth, and another had slipped around in front of him and was grasping his crotch.

Can a hand grip OVER something?

Also, don’t think you need the 2nd and 3rd hads. Consider changing “was grasping” to “grasped.”

The familiar sweet smell of a woman's scent combined with that of leather filled him. He began to feel his heart pounding faster.

I would take out either “smell” or “scent,” because both make it redundant. Also, consider replacing “him” with “his nose/nostrils.”

Consider changing “He began to feel his heart pounding faster.” to “His heart pounded faster.”

As the hand dropped from his mouth, a single word slipped from Wendel's lips, "Dominique."

This sentence is powerful. I can feel his tension and I very much want to know what their relationship is. But consider changing “from his mouth” to “away" or taking it out altogether. This will shorten the sentence and hopefully give it more umph.

"You spoke," the voice whispered, with a certain smugness. "Now someone gets hurt."

Heh heh. Funny!

Dominique. How that name sent a shiver excitement through Wendel. Beautiful, intelligent, and all mighty Dominique. The one woman who consumed his darkest and most private thoughts, and controlled him like no other.

Rarely did she call to let him know she would be coming to visit, preferring to just turn up. On a number of occasions her visits had been quite inconvenient, but how could he possibly refuse her? Of course he couldn't. If he did, she may choose not to come again, and he simply couldn't risk that.

The one woman who consumed his darkest and most private thoughts… You could take out “who” and not lose anything. I’d also take out “simply.”

Ah, I’m getting a little more information about their relationship. You’re dribbling it a little at a time to draw the reader in. Nice job.

They had met several months earlier at a corporate cocktail party. He hadn't noticed her at first. Sure, she was beautiful looking, but Wendel was used to being in the company of very attractive women. It wasn't until after she had had formally introduced herself that he had realized; Dominique was unlike any other woman he had ever met before.

"Hello Wendel, I'm so pleased to meet you," she had said, smiling warmly and extending her hand out to him, but instead of letting him shake it, she had dropped it and let her fingers slide down between his thighs instead. The incident had shocked him at the time, and he had been unsure of what to do. His cock however, had been way ahead of him. His cock had known exactly how to react. It had jerked to attention immediately, and remaining hard until eventually he was able to slip out into the bathroom to relieve himself.

In the months that had followed, he was to learn just how different Dominique really was.

Nice use of a flashback to establish the backstory. Short and sweet. But usually you can use a couple of “hads” to establish that we’ve gone back in time, and then go back to past tense. The hads get tiresome and aren't necessary in the whole flashback. I’d make the switch where you say “had had.” Say instead, “It wasn’t until after she formally introduced…”

Also, the semicolon should not be there.

Sure, she was beautiful looking… Don’t need “looking.”

Again, watch “to be.”

Did the incident shock him, or was it her action, her aggressiveness?

If you’re going to insert the “however,” I think you need a comma on both sides of it.

Consider making it “…until eventually he slipped away…” instead of “he was able to slip out.” “Slipped” is stronger than “was able to slip.”

Most of the substitutions I suggested are to tighten up the prose, to make it more concise and get rid of unnecessary words that bog down your writing.

This is a good beginning. You got that backstory in unobtrusively. I find myself drawn in. Every story must hook a reader and make him want to find out what happens, and you’ve achieved that with me. Nicely done.

RUMPLE REGROUPS, pt. 2

WS,

I wanted to share with you some of the tinkering I've done since getting your feedback. This first section makes the guy who kissed Gwen a Viet Nam vet which, in conjunction with the other indicators, may help readers with the time setting.

--"And while you're making out with this ‘Nam vet,” she continued, I'm stuck on a unit with a bunch of old farts who can't pee, and jive doctors who keep coming on to me."--

#

I've re-written that very awkward sentence so that now it's just awkward.

"Talk about lowly. We’re just summer-relief Nurse Techs, remember? Maybe you set your own schedule, but I sure don’t. So if I'm assigned to his room, I’ll go back."

#

This paragraph doesn't occure until after over 300 words. But it was the first place I felt comfortable inserting some indication about Ann's race.

--After she placed cheese slices on top of the tuna, Gwen shoved the concoction back in the toaster oven and then gave her black friend a concerned look. "You've mentioned that before, about not dating white guys, but you've never said why. I mean it's none of my business. It’s not like I’ve ever dated a black guy.”--

#

The following paragraph is new and immediately follows the last one. It's supposed to imply that Gwen is Jewish.

--Gwen paused to consider that possibility. “I wonder if my mother would be madder because the guy was black or because he wasn’t Jewish? Anyway, the thing is, Robin, Sue, and I are white; and we're your friends, aren't we?"--

#

Again, many thanks for the feedback.

RF

Rumple, "'Nam vet" is still sort of ambiguous, unless you say something like, "God, Gwen, he hasn't even washed off the napalm yet and you're all over him." Just because you mention a vet doesn't mean he's a recent vet.

And does your foreskin ever get unrumpled? LOL (This is not a come-on.)

RUMPLE REGROUPS, pt. 3

WS,

Okay, one more try. This is the re-worked third paragraph.

They were in her dorm room, preparing a supper feast of tuna fish au gratin on rye toast. "It's not fair that you actually met a good-looking guy in his twenties on that geriatric unit the VA calls an ophthalmology ward," replied Ann, as she opened a large can of tuna fish.

And then you asked, "And does your foreskin ever get unrumpled? LOL (This is not a come-on.)" I should be so lucky. Actually, at my age, just about every body part is rumpled.

RF

Thank you...

Whispersecret,

Thank you, I appreciate you advice very much. With your permission, I will go ahead and resubmit my story using the changes you have suggested.

I've actually noted several things you have mentioned in the story I am currently working on. I've been repeating my own mistakes. Of course, no one will ever see them now. I was unsure what a 'to be' verb was, so thank you for giving an example. I would have had to pester you for an explaination otherwise. I'm not very good with grammatical terms.

Thank you too for being gentle on me, I was extremely nervous about submitting this publicly. I often feel like a very small fish in this big pond.

As I said before, I try to read and chew over as many feedbacks as I can, particularly those from experienced authors. I think I am getting better, I am hoping I am not yet my best.

Apart from the obvious enjoyment I get from reading other people's stories, Lit for me, is a wonderful learning experience and a big challenge. People like yourself who are prepared to give your time and expertise are a treasure.


Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

I have donned my official "To Be" Police cap. Your mission is to rid your passage of as many “to be” verbs as you can. Some can stay, only because you can't avoid using them. Most of them can go. Try to substitute with strong verbs.

It was my Aunt Jacqueline’s idea to go to the cabin.

I was stuck in a wheelchair at the time; the legacy of a mountain-biking accident. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but I was winning the race. A root I hadn’t spotted caught my pedal and the next thing I knew I was in hospital with both legs broken below the knee, assorted contusions and abrasions and a headache which would have been a lot worse had it not been for my helmet. They showed me the helmet, split in half by the rock I’d hit.

This opening could be a little stronger. You want to hook your audience and someone going to a cabin doesn't exactly draw me in.

Once I was home, it wasn’t too bad, but with a younger brother and two sisters there was n’t a lot of room for me in a wheelchair. I could get around on crutches, but my legs ached after a while and the wheelchair was the better option.

Consider adding a sentence or two to describe how you bumped into furniture, rammed some shins, etc. Show, don't tell. I realize this is a summary paragraph, but you can still illustrate exactly what you mean when you say there wasn't much room.

The next paragraph sort of comes out of nowhere. To transition a bit more smoothly, maybe you could put in that not only did you have to share the house with your family, but your aunt was visiting too. Then maybe move the divorce stuff to where she brings it up in the conversation. This would spread the backstory out a little. (Not that you have a huge chunk of it.)

Aunt Jacqui had just been divorced. Her husband had taken up with his secretary and Jacqui had caught them balling in her bed. Harry – I refuse to call him Uncle – must be an idiot to lose someone like my Aunt Jacqui. She's my Mom’s youngest sister, she’s got the warmest smile of anyone I know and I’m always glad to see her. She was visiting with us for a few days, so she got my bedroom and I bunked in with my brother Joe for the duration. Jacqui hadn’t heard about my accident and was horrified when I recounted the details. Well, those I could remember.

Her husband had taken up with his secretary and Jacqui had caught them balling in her bed. Consider saying "took up" and "caught" instead of "had taken up" and "had caught."

Can you think of something more compelling about Aunt Jacqui other than her "warm smile?" Give me a few specific details about why she's so special. A particular memory perhaps? Something she's known for? I'm not getting a real feel for the main characters here. They're a little (sorry!) bland.

She shook her head when I finished my account. “I think you’re lucky to be alive, Tom, never mind two broken legs.”

“It wasn’t that bad, Aunt Jacqui. The organisers always have good medical assistance at a race meeting.” I grinned. “Anyhow, everybody is running around after me at the moment.”

She laughed. “I feel guilty about putting you out of your room.”

I smiled at her. “Always glad to do it for you, Aunt Jacqui.”

She squeezed my hand. “Thanks, sweetie.” She stood. “I’m gonna go find your Mom. I have an idea which might make life a little easier.”

I think you can omit "at her" after "I smiled."

I found out about her idea over supper. Dad was home from work by then and he and Mom, Aunt Jacqui and I were sitting around the kitchen table. Joe and the twins were watching TV in the family room down in the basement.

Maybe you don't need to mention that Dad is home. We can probably assume he is if it's supper.

“You know I got the cabin at Green Lake as part of my divorce settlement?”

We nodded.

“I’ve had a generator installed for electricity, so it’s quite comfortable. I’m taking my computer up there and am going to try writing again. I thought that while Tom is mending, he could keep me company. The cabin’s all on one level, so the wheelchair’s not a problem once Tom’s indoors. Jim, if you’d come up with us and rig a ramp at the end of the porch, he could get himself around quite easily.”

Okay, I think you got off pretty easily. Congratulations! I don't remember you having such an affinity for "to be" in Lucy McFey, but then again, I wasn't editing that.

I'm interested to see exactly what kind of adventures they're going to have, what with his two broken legs. Is this gonna be a non-consent story? LOL

Anyway, I hope this was helpful.

Rumple Foreskin said:

WS,

Okay, one more try. This is the re-worked third paragraph.

They were in her dorm room, preparing a supper feast of tuna fish au gratin on rye toast. "It's not fair that you actually met a good-looking guy in his twenties on that geriatric unit the VA calls an ophthalmology ward," replied Ann, as she opened a large can of tuna fish.

And then you asked, "And does your foreskin ever get unrumpled? LOL (This is not a come-on.)" I should be so lucky. Actually, at my age, just about every body part is rumpled.

RF

Click to expand...

I admire your determination, RF, but now it seems like you're cramming too much info into one sentence. Is it necessary to the plot to establish that it's an ophthalmology ward and that it's full of old people? If so, does it have to be established in this one sentence?

Here's what I'd do:

They were preparing supper in her dorm room.

"It's not fair," Ann said, opening a large can of tuna fish. "The one guy under the age of sixty in the ophthalmology ward, and you manage to snag him. Not only is he young, but he's damn cute."

But remember, it's your story. I'm just trying to help. You do what you feel is right.

Re: Thank you...

Thank you, I appreciate you advice very much. With your permission, I will go ahead and resubmit my story using the changes you have suggested.

As Lumiere said, "Be my guest."

I've actually noted several things you have mentioned in the story I am currently working on. I've been repeating my own mistakes. Of course, no one will ever see them now.

Hey, you'll see the same mistakes in my drafts too, I promise you! (Or even in my finished work! LOL)

You're very welcome!