vanilla sex & BDSM?

yeah, im a newbie with BDSM, yeah go on... spank me, please


im just wondering about your experience with vanilla sex in a BDSM relationship. does it still "do" it for you or are only satisfied with BDSM style sex/dominance/submission? how about your Dom/Domme/Sub?

how does the switch between the vanilla and the BDSM work out for you? does it pose a prob from time to time?

I'm quite into BDSM but still want an about (equal) amount of BDSM. Just wondering about individual experiences.

The majority of our sexual expression is what would probably be considered 'nilla.

Since my desires for b/d and s/m are mild, this presents no problem for us.

My partner would like more of everything. *smiles*

It just depends on our mood. Sometimes its heavy, spicy D/s; other days we're into sweet, creamy vanilla. Its all good.

Desdemona said:

It just depends on our mood. Sometimes its heavy, spicy D/s; other days we're into sweet, creamy vanilla. Its all good.

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yup yup!
(and now i'm hungrrrrrry!!)

Desdemona said:

It just depends on our mood. Sometimes its heavy, spicy D/s; other days we're into sweet, creamy vanilla. Its all good.

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I second that statement!

Desdemona said:

It just depends on our mood. Sometimes its heavy, spicy D/s; other days we're into sweet, creamy vanilla. Its all good.

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Since I can't seem to think of any better way to put it...Yes what she said works for me too.

dixi

Yep, same here. If we're in an adventurous mood, it's usually some degree of BDSM...if we're in a romantic mood it's 'nilla style.

Sometimes our 'nilla sex includes more "common" elements of BDSM though, like light spanking or biting...

And yes, 'nilla still does it for me, but not always. Then again BDSM doesn't do it for me all the time either. Sometimes I want 'nilla and he wants to play, so we do. Other times it's the other way around. We make concessions for each other and I'd say as a result, we're both very satisfied.

Separate Issues

For me, sex is sex, and BDSM & D/s are BDSM & D/s.

My sexuality is not tied to my being a female dominant. Others may have a different view, and that is fine.


I fuck who I want, and do not stop to see if they are "vanilla".

Ebony

Des

Desdemona said:

It just depends on our mood. Sometimes its heavy, spicy D/s; other days we're into sweet, creamy vanilla. Its all good.

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Works for me,...but not a LOT of vanilla,...just enough for a good balance to be maintained. I really like the caramel, chocolate, surprise flavored swirls predominant in my vanilla ice cream, topped with a little fudge, and nuts of course.

I like being dominated, but I don't think it's what I would want all of the time.

Sometimes I just wanna be held. lol

In our relationship, the line between bdsm and vanilla sex is pretty blurry, since, basically, our "regular" sex tends towards his being very much in charge in the bedroom, and did even before we began defining any part of the relationship as bdsm.
My submission within our relationship is not predicated on the use of bondage or any toy, but on my desire to please him the best I can. Whether I am making him dinner, or we are making love, that is my goal and my heart's desire.

CarolineOh said:

In our relationship, the line between bdsm and vanilla sex is pretty blurry, since, basically, our "regular" sex tends towards his being very much in charge in the bedroom, and did even before we began defining any part of the relationship as bdsm.
My submission within our relationship is not predicated on the use of bondage or any toy, but on my desire to please him the best I can. Whether I am making him dinner, or we are making love, that is my goal and my heart's desire.

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A worthy statement Caroline, thanks for sharing that insight with us.

Re: Des

artful said:

Works for me,...but not a LOT of vanilla,...just enough for a good balance to be maintained. I really like the caramel, chocolate, surprise flavored swirls predominant in my vanilla ice cream, topped with a little fudge, and nuts of course.

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Sounds yummy to me!

Damn, everybody, I've never been quoted this much in one thread. I'm always amazed how much we have in common while still maintaining our different tastes.

Re: Re: Des

Desdemona said:

Sounds yummy to me!

Damn, everybody, I've never been quoted this much in one thread. I'm always amazed how much we have in common while still maintaining our different tastes.

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That's cuz PZ knows how to pick'em. A simple question to you Des. When you look back and evaluate who you were when you first met PZ,... and look NOW at who you ARE, along with gazing into the future of what MIGHT become.

Can you see, how PZ has "guided" and led you, to NEW discoveries of self? If so,...can you relate those differences, and explain some of the emotional stresses it involved ?

Re: Re: Re: Des

artful said:

That's cuz PZ knows how to pick'em. A simple question to you Des. When you look back and evaluate who you were when you first met PZ,... and look NOW at who you ARE, along with gazing into the future of what MIGHT become.

Can you see, how PZ has "guided" and led you, to NEW discoveries of self? If so,...can you relate those differences, and explain some of the emotional stresses it involved ?

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Artful, thank you so much. You have posed a very interesting question here and I will attempt to answer. I have changed alot over the relatively short time I've been with Him and some of those changes are very hard to articulate. Some of the changes have been due to life circumstances that had little to do with our relationship.
However, I can honestly say that I am stronger, and have a solid sense of pride and security within our relationship because of his "guidance". I have had to learn that he loves me and wants me even when we can't be together and when he can't meet as many of my needs as I would wish. I have had to learn patience. He has taught me to trust him on a level that I never could have imagined was possible. He has pushed me to within milimeters of my emotional endurance without ever crossing the line to abuse.
The emotional stresses that I have experienced have been greatly intensified by some difficult life circumstances that we hope will end soon. I've been frightened and lonely. I've had to face some long held fears of abandonment and pain that I would have preferred to ignore. It has been vital that I face these issues in order to clear the way for what may be. In short, I feel like I'm emerging from a trial by fire. The past 3.5 months, in particular, have been an exercise in endurance for me.
Yet, when I hear the love and pride in his voice as we move forward, its all worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. I will be seeing him this weekend for the first time since mid April. I can only imagine the joy I will feel as I kneel before him, once again. It feels like I am going home.

well, I posted as unreg yet again. Sorry

The remedy to my cookie situation will be delivered in a day or so. I can hardly wait.

CarolineOh said:

In our relationship, the line between bdsm and vanilla sex is pretty blurry

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I guess I'm just not sure what qualifies as vanilla sex anymore, exactly. Sometimes it's just regular, hardcore screwing, but I still have to ask for permission to cum (I've suggested a good Xmas gift would be some type of gift card which I can use like a 'get out of jail' free card to cum without asking). And it feels like a normal (well, okay, better than normal) vanilla blowjob I'm giving, but then he grabs my hair and snarls that he owns me.

We do have a lot of vanilla cuddling - does that count?

K

Re: Des

artful said:

Works for me,...but not a LOT of vanilla,...just enough for a good balance to be maintained. I really like the caramel, chocolate, surprise flavored swirls predominant in my vanilla ice cream, topped with a little fudge, and nuts of course.

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hey don't forget about that thick 'n creamy marshmellow fluff!

I used to wory that I wouldn't be able to get off anymore with just plain sex. (This pertains both to BDSM as well as dirty talk, humiliation, and all the other extras) WHat's hard I think is that you know just what will push you over the top, and when you're really close, its easier to fall back on what you already know rather than continue to take it as it comes or try something new. Like your having sweet romantic "love-making" and toward the end your creaming "fuck me like a nasty little slut!!!!" (or trying not too, lol) ok, i don't know, maybe that's just me

Another thing I sometimes find hard is *asking* for gentle sex. Being nasty is our default, so that's no problem, but I get really bashful when I'm trying to ask for the sweet-stuff. I've had times where I've wanted to say "make love to me" but it feels sooooo corny- I can't bring myself to say those words! Instead maybe I'll blush and say half jokingly "be gentle with me" like its my first time or something. (guess that's corney too- but what can I say?)

However, I have found that I *can* climax to 'nilla sex. And sometimes I crave it. I like the idea that I'm turned on by my partner (and vice-versa) and not the spanking or the leather or all of the "things." And I think its important to confirm this every once in a while. (at least for me)

However, when i'm alone :blush:blush: I need all those props, even if there only in my imagination

sometimes I like Romantic sex

flavours???

sweetnpetite said:

hey don't forget about that thick 'n creamy marshmellow fluff!

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Question from a 'nilla with a twist.... are there different flavours to decipher what in the BSDm or D/s stages you are at... my "friends" & I have a few of our own to be safeguards at party's & I have been to a bar a LOONNGGG time ago in Ontario that used coloured wristbands to show what "stage" your limit was but I was wondering if anyone has further input.... I find this area new yet very exciting... I am still on the fence for flogging, humiliation & such, but rough sex & biting do happen quite frequently.... ( ppl at work have commented on my "marks" ) I have looked through the "BSDM word search" but I either missed it or something...
Any help ????

Stegral said:

Question from a 'nilla with a twist.... are there different flavours to decipher what in the BSDm or D/s stages you are at... my "friends" & I have a few of our own to be safeguards at party's & I have been to a bar a LOONNGGG time ago in Ontario that used coloured wristbands to show what "stage" your limit was but I was wondering if anyone has further input.... I find this area new yet very exciting... I am still on the fence for flogging, humiliation & such, but rough sex & biting do happen quite frequently.... ( ppl at work have commented on my "marks" ) I have looked through the "BSDM word search" but I either missed it or something...
Any help ????

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The closest thing i have ever heard of regarding colors as a display of limits, kink status or perhaps fetish preferences relate to something commonly termed as 'flagging' or also called 'hankie codings'. There are sites which discuss the ideas. i don't know that they are common signals used by many interested in or actively enjoying BDSM .... or at least i can say i haven't witnessed them being used here, where i am located. Read more at http://www.cufsmaine.org/bdsmflag.htm ... and search google using those key terms for more info.

The whole idea, to me, seems like an invite for confusion ... imagine wearing the wrong color simply because it is a favorite, or simply because it matched an outfit well.

Perhaps just asking a person what they are interested in is best? Communication via actual conversation works better for me ...

this is a great place !!!

sinn0cent1 said:

The whole idea, to me, seems like an invite for confusion ... imagine wearing the wrong color simply because it is a favorite, or simply because it matched an outfit well.

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Fortunately this was done before all these neat "wristbands" were out that you see everyone wearing about nowadays.... the club supplied them & there was even a chart telling you the limits posted at the door & in the bathroom I remember... just not the meanings of the colours.... the link was great thank you ... I appreciate all the input... I can only think of so much to ask my friends & "lurking" in here allows me to see things to ask them about later or if I feel stupid asking them, I post here...

Stegral said:

... are there different flavours to decipher what in the BSDm or D/s stages you are at...

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Strictly speaking, sin is correct, and threads do exist, but does it matter?

You stated you're into biting. Based on the reference to marks, i'll assume you're the masticated material. i'd wager a nice piece of change that activity goes well beyond the taste of some veterans, both here and elsewhere. Some simply don't venture very deeply into the pain arena.

i'd advise not spinning in circles re your experience level, and simply find the things you do like and enjoy them. If you want, find a local munch, then a dungeon party, and observe some of the things for which you hold fascination. Most of those that choose to publicly display an interesting talent certainly won't mind a few questions. With a little luck, they might allow a small demonstration if you have the courage.

thanks again.

AngelicAssassin said:

Strictly speaking, sin is correct, and threads do exist, but does it matter?
You stated you're into biting. Based on the reference to marks, i'll assume you're the masticated material. i'd wager a nice piece of change that activity goes well beyond the taste of some veterans, both here and elsewhere. Some simply don't venture very deeply into the pain arena.
i'd advise not spinning in circles re your experience level, and simply find the things you do like and enjoy them. If you want, find a local munch, then a dungeon party, and observe some of the things for which you hold fascination. Most of those that choose to publicly display an interesting talent certainly won't mind a few questions. With a little luck, they might allow a small demonstration if you have the courage.

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Thank you AA, I am sorry... the "bites" are never hard enough to draw blood or remove flesh.... it leaves bruises (& goosebumps all over)... as for finding what I enjoy... I have no clue yet...I have a hard time verbalizing what I want as when I have in the past it has been met with disgust. I have been to a few munch's (is that right?) most of it is still pretty shocking to me but yet I am very curious... The b/f & I were going out last sunday to a club & I backed out(still not comfy with the out of the house thing)... he is all for going tho... like I said... vanilla with a bit of a twist