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Old 01-18-2014, 06:44 AM   #1
elli1
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Question how do you deal with guilt?

hey!
last night, I disobeyed one of my Dom's orders: I came during masturbation although I wasn't allowed to. I hadn't meant to cum and I felt instantly guilty and texted him what had just happened and how sorry I was. this morning I saw he'd responded that he's disappointed in me and that we'll discuss my punishment later. and now I'm sitting here, feeling miserable, because I just hate the fact that I disappointed him.

any tips on how you subs deal with the guilt?
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:13 AM   #2
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And here I thought, that the whole idea was to disobey once in a while?

You have done it, your master will settle the score appropriately, that's it.
Should you feel guilt as a sub?

You could be angry with yourself for not obeying or fear the punishment, but not guilt.




(At first I read the headline as "How do you deal with quilt?". That made me wonder a little)
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:31 AM   #3
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You did it, he'll punish you, you'll love it. You'll do it again one day. Whoopde do. Carry on.
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:32 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cumference View Post
(At first I read the headline as "How do you deal with quilt?". That made me wonder a little)
quilt fetish, maybe?

the thing is, I'm not afraid of the punishment at all. and I'm not sure the whole thing is about occasionally disobeying on purpose. at least for me it's not. I want my Dom's approval and appreciation, after all, and disappointment is the exact opposite of that!
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:43 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
hey!
last night, I disobeyed one of my Dom's orders: I came during masturbation although I wasn't allowed to. I hadn't meant to cum and I felt instantly guilty and texted him what had just happened and how sorry I was. this morning I saw he'd responded that he's disappointed in me and that we'll discuss my punishment later. and now I'm sitting here, feeling miserable, because I just hate the fact that I disappointed him.

any tips on how you subs deal with the guilt?
Guilt is always resentment, and that means youre ambivalent about your dom. The relationship is doomed.
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Old 01-18-2014, 07:58 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
Guilt is always resentment, and that means youre ambivalent about your dom. The relationship is doomed.
well, I resent myself for disobeying, but that doesn't have anything to do with my Dom, really.
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Old 01-18-2014, 08:07 AM   #7
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We are social animals, we will always strive for approval and appreciation from our flock.
(And especially from the alpha, unless of course you happen to be the alpha )



Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
quilt fetish, maybe?
.....

Living where I do, anything to keep you warm is good!

When I go shopping and it's cold, I quite often end up bringing another plaid home with me.

Last edited by Cumference : 01-18-2014 at 08:09 AM.
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Old 01-18-2014, 09:17 AM   #8
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Guilt is an effective tool. It can be a self motivator toward discipline. (Discipline being the act of training yourself toward certain habits - very different from punishment)

Utilize your guilt and become better. subs aren't weak. They're submissive.
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Old 01-18-2014, 09:23 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiggLeGasm View Post
Guilt is an effective tool. It can be a self motivator toward discipline. (Discipline being the act of training yourself toward certain habits - very different from punishment)

Utilize your guilt and become better. subs aren't weak. They're submissive.
thanks a lot for that!
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:01 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
well, I resent myself for disobeying, but that doesn't have anything to do with my Dom, really.
Theres nuthin in it for me however it goes but you strike me as a girl with two minds about your dom, so when it falls apart recall where you heard it first, then kiss my ass.
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:04 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
Theres nuthin in it for me however it goes but you strike me as a girl with two minds about your dom, so when it falls apart recall where you heard it first, then kiss my ass.

sure...
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:07 AM   #12
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There is a fine line between guilt and regret. In my mind, there are many things that I may actually feel guilty about, but actually do not regret for one reason or another.

I hate feeling guilty about the things I do or have done, but I suppose it's part of my upbringing. Guilt usually results when you somehow feel that you've let someone down, perhaps even let yourself down because you've not lived up to a set of standards that you yourself or some external authority had set for you. Unfortunately, carrying too much guilt will tear you up inside and make your life miserable. The best thing, if possible, is to find a way to gain forgiveness. If you can be forgiven, you can help relieve yourself of the guilt. Sometimes that means just forgiving yourself and accepting that we all make mistakes and none of us is perfect.

In your case, your "transgression" can probably easily be rectified by going out of your way to please your dom in some special way that makes him extra happy and all will be fine.
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:13 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
thanks a lot for that!
I was raised Irish Catholic. A good deal of my friends are Jewish. (oy, Mary!)
If you need more guilt, you just let me know
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:16 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiggLeGasm View Post
I was raised Irish Catholic. A good deal of my friends are Jewish. (oy, Mary!)
If you need more guilt, you just let me know
oh my!
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:20 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amofiga View Post
There is a fine line between guilt and regret. In my mind, there are many things that I may actually feel guilty about, but actually do not regret for one reason or another.

I hate feeling guilty about the things I do or have done, but I suppose it's part of my upbringing. Guilt usually results when you somehow feel that you've let someone down, perhaps even let yourself down because you've not lived up to a set of standards that you yourself or some external authority had set for you. Unfortunately, carrying too much guilt will tear you up inside and make your life miserable. The best thing, if possible, is to find a way to gain forgiveness. If you can be forgiven, you can help relieve yourself of the guilt. Sometimes that means just forgiving yourself and accepting that we all make mistakes and none of us is perfect.

In your case, your "transgression" can probably easily be rectified by going out of your way to please your dom in some special way that makes him extra happy and all will be fine.
you're very right! I hope my punishment will come soon, because the wait is killing me!
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Old 01-18-2014, 10:31 AM   #16
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isn't the whole point of D/s to experience the range of emotions it inspires? even if those feelings are typically considered negative and unpleasant?

i feel sad if i am a bad girl, too. but i like the feeling it gives me.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:00 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
hey!
last night, I disobeyed one of my Dom's orders: I came during masturbation although I wasn't allowed to. I hadn't meant to cum and I felt instantly guilty and texted him what had just happened and how sorry I was. this morning I saw he'd responded that he's disappointed in me and that we'll discuss my punishment later. and now I'm sitting here, feeling miserable, because I just hate the fact that I disappointed him.

any tips on how you subs deal with the guilt?
Welcome to Lit.

It's easy to feel guilt when you've disappointed someone, regardless of the label you picked for yourself. However, it only affirms that you are human and have a desire to please. However that said, it's easy to feel like you failed your dominant.

You will be punished, according to your dominant. Well, the beauty of punishment (in a mutually loving, respectful relationship where the power dynamics are defined as such) is that after the punishment, his disappointment will be assuaged, it's over and forgotten and you both can move on. The best part? You know you have been forgiven by your dominant, and by yourself.

The thing is that it happens. You are not perfect, neither is your dominant. You both will make mistakes, and through your chosen power-dynamic, you will be able to deal with it, learn from it and continue your relationship stronger.

Also, seeing as you did not do this purposefully, you can also see it as you really did try your hardest to obey. You did not intentionally set out to go against his orders. It happens to every single sub.

And from my all, sometimes (and according to him, cumming after being told not to on occasion is a minor infraction) the dominant is feeling as guilty as the submissive because they didn't guide/control/expected too much/whatever. They also want their submissives to succeed. It helps. And again, the punishment is a very very clear ending of guilt and a show of forgiveness.

ETA: GiggLeGasm said it best:

Quote:
Originally Posted by GiggLeGasm View Post
Guilt is an effective tool. It can be a self motivator toward discipline. (Discipline being the act of training yourself toward certain habits - very different from punishment)

Utilize your guilt and become better. subs aren't weak. They're submissive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
Guilt is always resentment, and that means youre ambivalent about your dom. The relationship is doomed.
Complete and utter bullshit.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:30 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fire_breeze View Post
Welcome to Lit.

It's easy to feel guilt when you've disappointed someone, regardless of the label you picked for yourself. However, it only affirms that you are human and have a desire to please. However that said, it's easy to feel like you failed your dominant.

You will be punished, according to your dominant. Well, the beauty of punishment (in a mutually loving, respectful relationship where the power dynamics are defined as such) is that after the punishment, his disappointment will be assuaged, it's over and forgotten and you both can move on. The best part? You know you have been forgiven by your dominant, and by yourself.

The thing is that it happens. You are not perfect, neither is your dominant. You both will make mistakes, and through your chosen power-dynamic, you will be able to deal with it, learn from it and continue your relationship stronger.

Also, seeing as you did not do this purposefully, you can also see it as you really did try your hardest to obey. You did not intentionally set out to go against his orders. It happens to every single sub.

And from my all, sometimes (and according to him, cumming after being told not to on occasion is a minor infraction) the dominant is feeling as guilty as the submissive because they didn't guide/control/expected too much/whatever. They also want their submissives to succeed. It helps. And again, the punishment is a very very clear ending of guilt and a show of forgiveness.

ETA: GiggLeGasm said it best:




Complete and utter bullshit.
Had you been trained by anyone with a lick of sense youd naturally know I'm right. You don't impress me.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:33 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cumference View Post
(At first I read the headline as "How do you deal with quilt?". That made me wonder a little)
Me ,too.

Since my bitch sleeps on the quilt all night, and the pussy sleeps on it all day, I had to launder my quilt this week. I wash quilts with a pair of crocs. The crocs need cleaned once in a while , too.

Then I move the load to the dryer. It thumps and bumps a lot, but it knocks the hair loose and keeps the stuffing in the quilt from clumping up. True, it periodically kicks the dryer door open and turns the machine off. That's an excellent opportunity to clear the pet hair out of the lint trap, and re-start.

Eventually I take it out of the dryer and drape it over an exercise machine to dry.

And that's how I deal with a quilt.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:40 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patient1 View Post
Me ,too.

Since my bitch sleeps on the quilt all night, and the pussy sleeps on it all day, I had to launder my quilt this week. I wash quilts with a pair of crocs. The crocs need cleaned once in a while , too.

Then I move the load to the dryer. It thumps and bumps a lot, but it knocks the hair loose and keeps the stuffing in the quilt from clumping up. True, it periodically kicks the dryer door open and turns the machine off. That's an excellent opportunity to clear the pet hair out of the lint trap, and re-start.

Eventually I take it out of the dryer and drape it over an exercise machine to dry.

And that's how I deal with a quilt.
Crocs! What a great idea!
I knew about the tennis balls.. but this could get the shoes clean too!

I learn so many things here.
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Old 01-18-2014, 04:50 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fire_breeze View Post
Welcome to Lit.

It's easy to feel guilt when you've disappointed someone, regardless of the label you picked for yourself. However, it only affirms that you are human and have a desire to please. However that said, it's easy to feel like you failed your dominant.

You will be punished, according to your dominant. Well, the beauty of punishment (in a mutually loving, respectful relationship where the power dynamics are defined as such) is that after the punishment, his disappointment will be assuaged, it's over and forgotten and you both can move on. The best part? You know you have been forgiven by your dominant, and by yourself.

The thing is that it happens. You are not perfect, neither is your dominant. You both will make mistakes, and through your chosen power-dynamic, you will be able to deal with it, learn from it and continue your relationship stronger.

Also, seeing as you did not do this purposefully, you can also see it as you really did try your hardest to obey. You did not intentionally set out to go against his orders. It happens to every single sub.

And from my all, sometimes (and according to him, cumming after being told not to on occasion is a minor infraction) the dominant is feeling as guilty as the submissive because they didn't guide/control/expected too much/whatever. They also want their submissives to succeed. It helps. And again, the punishment is a very very clear ending of guilt and a show of forgiveness.

ETA: GiggLeGasm said it best:





Complete and utter bullshit.
thanks for your reply! been told my punishment, was forgiven, and feeling a lot better now! I was worried my Dom would think I'm no good as a sub, but he's still proud I'm his.
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Old 01-18-2014, 08:07 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
thanks for your reply! been told my punishment, was forgiven, and feeling a lot better now! I was worried my Dom would think I'm no good as a sub, but he's still proud I'm his.
You are quite welcome and I am glad that this little hiccough was dealt with and your doubt was assuage. I hope that you will move on and forget this little (and honestly, minor) incident .

Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
Had you been trained by anyone with a lick of sense youd naturally know I'm right. You don't impress me.
Why would I want to impress you?
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Tread softly into the night...
Sing me not of the Sun,
the ever-constant, unchanging Sun.
But sing me of the moonlight and of the stars
and of our sighs at midnight.




I want to live - richly, darkly and entirely.
I want my mind challenged, my body thrilled, my soul inspired.
I want my senses to come alive, to burn with passion and to intoxicate me with desire.
So tempt my mind, seduce my body, enthrall my soul, and dare me to be alive.








Let us know how you are doing and touch base


Yes, I wrote all my sig quotes. They are mine. If you would like to use them, I'd be honoured BUT! please let me know.

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Old 01-18-2014, 11:24 PM   #23
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Me personally, I don't have a guilt mechanism. I think it's a stupid emotion and those who succumb to it are weak and silly. Near as I can tell, the purpose of guilt is to make you feel bad for not giving somebody what they want.

As far as guilt in your Dom/sub relationship, since punishment and humiliation seem to be staples of that type of relationship, I'd say you're doing it right. As a sub, you're supposed to feel bad and get punished for disobedience. Kudos on job well done
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Old 01-19-2014, 02:49 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fire_breeze View Post
You are quite welcome and I am glad that this little hiccough was dealt with and your doubt was assuage. I hope that you will move on and forget this little (and honestly, minor) incident .



Why would I want to impress you?
So I wont laugh at you.
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Old 01-19-2014, 02:53 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elli1 View Post
hey!
last night, I disobeyed one of my Dom's orders: I came during masturbation although I wasn't allowed to. I hadn't meant to cum and I felt instantly guilty and texted him what had just happened and how sorry I was. this morning I saw he'd responded that he's disappointed in me and that we'll discuss my punishment later. and now I'm sitting here, feeling miserable, because I just hate the fact that I disappointed him.

any tips on how you subs deal with the guilt?
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