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Old 01-07-2014, 06:04 PM   #1
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CookingDom is offline
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Location: London, UK
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Short story struggling to extend

I have a short story that I've submitted but had it rejected as its not long enough. I've gone back to it a few times to try and edit it but I feel that its exactly the right length, given the context of it.

Any ideas/suggestions much appreciated

While you were sleeping...

........waking up next to you watching you sleeping... Running his big fingers over your body so softly while you sleep, stopping each time you stirred so as not to wake you. Slowly, carefully making you move around so your nipples and thighs were away from the covers... Running his fingertips across your cheeks one moving between them ever so slowly parting them. You stir once more, he stops, you curl your knees to your chest and push your back into his chest and pull his big strong arm around you, moaning in your sleepy state 'morning' as you drift back to sleep. After a while his hand moves lower, moving your left cheek as his now hard cock nestles between them, the tip now rests against your pussy as his finger gently parts your lips

he feels the warmth as he slowly, SLOWLY rocks back and forth.

You murmur once more, the game is up, he's been rumbled.

It's ok you are just dreaming

He'd love to know what you're dreaming

he pushes forward as the head of his cock, now wet from you and him presses against your clit. His finger tips circle the top half of your clit as his cock caresses under and each side.

he slows down, he almost stops, he never stops as your lips part easily and envelop the head, always careful not to wake you, always touching nothing but the right spot.

Your back arches, pressing into him as his other arm rests under you, gripping you with his hand flat on your chest. He holds you as your orgasm takes over you, your head thrown back as you shake against him, flooding his cock and the bed as your 'dream' takes you there.

Perfectly still, waiting for your body to calm and relax before achingly slowly pulling himself away from you.

Rolling onto his back reaching down running his fingers over his softening, drenched, cock. Content at not waking you as he drifts off to sleep.

You wake and reach back for his hand but find his wet cock, confused as you feel the cold wetness underneath your ass as you slowly stir and wake up. Instinctively rolling over to wrap a leg over him as you always do.

Eyes wide you look down at his cock, your fingers instinctively go to your pussy to feel your wetness. 'What the fuck happened in my sleep??' you think to yourself.

'Was it a dream, did he just take me?' Easing a finger inside you to feel for the all too familiar slickness of his seed, you find none.

You conclude it was a dream as you nestle your face into his shoulder, softly taking his fingers to kiss them you realize it was no dream. As you gently suck on his fingertips the truth dawns on you.

You smile

'you're a bad man Sir, a bad man.....'
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Old 01-07-2014, 10:32 PM   #2
glanglais is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
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More detail.

I apologize if my suggestions are nonsensicle; I'm having a difficult time reading this as I detest second-person immediate narrative.

Of course, you could add more detail. You could talk more about the sensations she's feeling, some of the thoughts which are going through her head, maybe a little more foreplay, etc.

I remember from the submission guidelines that the minimum length is 750 words. The problem is that your submission is only 484 words. I think I see what you're trying to accomplish with such a short, straight-forward submission, but to meet the minimum you'd have to almost double the size of your story.

You could do it, I suppose, but at the risk of ruining the mood / effect.

JMO. Good luck with it!

Beware of rawgabbits and their mullock.

And just call me "Richard"!

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Old 01-08-2014, 09:09 AM   #3
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What about making it a really long poem? What are the guidelines for poetry submissions?
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Old 01-08-2014, 03:14 PM   #4
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Bramblethorn is offline
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Write another one and submit as "Two Short Stories".
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Old 01-16-2014, 01:59 AM   #5
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SamScribble is offline
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James Joyce (and others) have got away - even prospered - using unconventional structure and punctuation. But Lit is pretty much down the middle. Start sentences with a capital letter, restrict ellipses to three dots, etc.

Also, it's not really a story. Laurel likes stories - at least that's my take.

I also agree with the comment about second person narrative. Sometimes it works; often it doesn't. Personally, I'd start again.

Good luck.
‘Writing is the ultimate decision-making experience. Every paragraph, every sentence, every word, is a decision.’ – Michael Bremer
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:05 PM   #6
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Personally I think it has promise. Look out for usages like 'just'when you mean only. I know, I know, but I still think it cheapens the work. I think the place for this piece is 2/3 of the way through a much longer piece. I can see it fitting very nicely as a morning after scenario. The rest of the work could be in 3rd popov, and this passage as is, with much editing. If you will gie me permission I will lose read this piece, edit it more tightly, and suggest some surround for it. As the central theme of a story, I do not think it will work.
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