Old 12-29-2013, 06:26 PM   #1
jasminxo
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Dating Failure

Iím 20 years old and my boyfriend is losing interest in me.

I really need some advice, my parents have a biased opinion because they hate the man Iím dating, Iíve literally lost all my friends, because weíve gone on to do different things, and generally, I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone else?
More than anything, I feel as if I need to rant, so excuse me if I ramble on. Iím only young, and I just have no idea what to do, Iím looking for decent advice and not silly comments. Thanks in advance.

When I was 15, I had my first boyfriend and we were dating for about 3 months when he began emotionally blackmailing me and cheating on me; my friends noticed I became distant from them. My present boyfriend, who at the time was just a close friend, helped me through it, and gave me the courage to leave him, so I did. However, thatís when the phone-calls at 3 am came in, and the threats through texting and the threats through Facebook.

I spoke to my personal tutor, and we agreed that I would undertake therapy. After having therapy, I felt better; and a year later I was back into dating again Ė sort of. My boyfriend was typically a shy person, who loved to laugh, who was lazy Ė he didnít really do any extra activities, and would enjoy just sitting in front of the TV or go camping. He is a family man, he puts his family before anything, and thatís where it gets difficult.

After what had happened with myself; I became a very shy and distant person; I hated the physical contact but enjoyed the comfort of having someone to be there permanently for me.

Weíve been dating now for three years and out of those three years, we donít have a sexual relationship, we donít go away on little vacations and we meet up say, once every week. Iím a full time student and he is a full time trainee estate agent. However, we talk every single day, of every single minute, of every single hour. Itís non-stop. He messages me as soon as he gets up and weíll talk straight on through until we have to go to sleep? Itís so bizarre.

We have a tradition, we meet up every Christmas Eve, have a meal, and exchange gifts; however, this year, his brother fell ill and had to go to hospital, so he cancelled. Now, this isnít the first time heís cancelled, and it isnít the first time heís made an excuse of a family member being sick. I donít know if itís me being annoyed or what?

The relationship feels more to be on the e-dating side than a realistic side? I canít leave him, heís what makes me smile, and heís what motivates me to go onto University in 2014. Heís my rock, without him, Iíd be a typical woman going onto benefits and having a thousand babies all with different dads.

I just donít know how to tell him that I need to see him more often that this is not a relationship, itís more of a friendship, and I want that relationship back? Iím just scared that if I tell him how it is, heís going to run for the hills, and Iíll have no-one?

Iím that girl in everyoneís class, who is very made up, quiet and shy and doesnít like to go out clubbing and drinking. I prefer my quiet life, and Iím afraid thatís lost me a great deal of friends.
If we split, then Iím literally alone. Heís all Iíve got left.

I just need advice on what to do, Iím fed up of sitting in bed all night, wondering if weíre going to last and what will happen to me. I truly miss seeing him, yet whenever I try to tell him letís meet up, something pops up or itís not the right time to tell him, thereís always something.

I feel like Iíve buried a hole and Iím never coming out 

Thanks for your help

Jasmin xo
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:46 PM   #2
whocares36m
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Maybe he's losing interest in you because you write extremely long, random emails?
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:54 PM   #3
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:57 PM   #4
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Forget Whocares comment... his nickname says it all.
Have confidence in yourself. There are lots of fish in this ocean we call earth. If you cn't communicate then you have no relationship..it will be as it I forever. Uni will be good for you I am sure. It opens up the world to everyone in all aspects besides education. Lots to say and little time
Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.
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Old 12-29-2013, 07:05 PM   #5
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If one of your friends wrote what you did, what advice would you give them? I suspect you know what to do but are unsure about doing it.
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:54 AM   #6
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If you can't be honest about how you feel about your relationship without the guy running away, then you very obviously don't need to be together in the first place.

Yes, you are young, but something to try and remember is that when it comes to relationships, you can't lose by just being honest about how you feel, and that honesty should come out frequently. Without it, your relationship will stagnate and lead to problems like you are currently having. It sounds like you are unhappy in this relationship, and this is something you should absolutely relay to your boyfriend. If he cares, then you guys will at least attempt to work it out.

Good luck to you.
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Old 12-30-2013, 01:33 AM   #7
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Ol' man advice

Okay kid, I like to do things in numeracial order...just an OCD. So first fuck off that Whocares asshole. Second, what are you doing in this relationship? This guy is your life line? That's pretty sad. I have no doubt that he is a good fellow. But a relationship, in the romantic sense, this is not. I text friends, I tell friends secrets that I don't tell others, including my wife, but they are just that, friends and sexy women at that.This guy is a friend and seems to be an important one to you, I'm a three time cancer survivor so I come at this from a relatively unique perspective that life is fucking short, real short. Truth is you could be dead before you get this, or maybe just after. Point is, life has no plan, no guarantees. Quit banging your head against the wall of life. It only feels good when you stop. Try to savor life. Start with noticing light. No kinding. Try it. Start being gratfule for what you have. Finally, embrace your passion, be it, art, exercise, cooking, community service, what ever, embrace it; do it,and make it your priority, not this guy....not any guy or girl. What you will find is a passion for life,meaning and ultimately joy. Your friend will either support you and cheer you on, or fade away. Either way, it's all about your happiness. And despite the Jedu-Christian bullshit that is passed around, that is what it is about. If itfeels good, feels right, then it is. But honesty is the the key. Bitch of a key if you're not ready. Just two cents from an old fart that's been through the shit. Good luck baby.
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:07 AM   #8
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First of all, you are definitely not "done," regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with the guy you are hooked up with now. Girl, how in the world did you develop such low self esteem? Don't you realize that a 20-year-old girl is like GOLD on the dating scene? You could have slightly older men beating a path to your door with very little effort on your part.

If you were willing to accept a man somewhat older than yourself, you would have him worshipping you. Get real! No beautiful young woman should ever feel like she has no options. Your entire WORLD is options.

MrCumwell is absolutely right. LIFE IS SHORT. Way too short. Start thinking about what you want to do with your life besides answer a million emails from your needy boyfriend who only comes to see you once a week.

Don't ever think that you are stuck with one guy. There are literally hundreds of men who would love to meet you. Get your head straight. I'm not going to bore you with a long list of all the stuff you could be doing to improve your life, but let's just say: more education, a career path, volunteer work, join a gym and start running, join a dance school or a martial arts class, etc. etc.
LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT. MAKE A PLAN, TAKE ACTION. And good luck, sweetheart.
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:11 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCumwell View Post
Okay kid, I like to do things in numeracial order...just an OCD. So first fuck off that Whocares asshole. Second,

what are you doing in this relationship? This guy is your life line? That's pretty sad. I have no doubt that he is a good fellow. But a relationship, in the romantic sense, this is not.

I text friends, I tell friends secrets that I don't tell others, including my wife, but they are just that, friends and sexy women at that.This guy is a friend and seems to be an important one to you,

I'm a three time cancer survivor so I come at this from a relatively unique perspective that life is fucking short, real short. Truth is you could be dead before you get this, or maybe just after. Point is, life has no plan, no guarantees. Quit banging your head against the wall of life. It only feels good when you stop.

Try to savor life. Start with noticing light. No kinding. Try it. Start being grateful for what you have. Finally, embrace your passion, be it, art, exercise, cooking, community service, what ever, embrace it; do it,and make it your priority, not this guy....not any guy or girl. What you will find is a passion for life,meaning and ultimately joy.

Your friend will either support you and cheer you on, or fade away. Either way, it's all about your happiness. And despite the Jedu-Christian bullshit that is passed around, that is what it is about. If it feels good, feels right, then it is. But honesty is the the key. Bitch of a key if you're not ready. Just two cents from an old fart that's been through the shit. Good luck baby.
The whole thing above is perfect.

No one outside of yourself should ever be "your rock" when they (nearly inevitably) crumbles, you have NO foundation to stand upon.

I have, on occasion, been that guy for someone. It doesn't hurt in the short term, their wing mends, and they move on. One of them kept referring to me as her "gay boyfriend" I thought it was a weird metaphor till she tried to introduce me romantically to a lovely man. Clearly, either I have missed something about myself, or she never knew me.

You mentioned feeling better with counseling. It isn't a check a box, "yep, I got fixed" thing...anyone can need some tuning up as their life path changes as yours clearly has.

Sounds like you avoided the "bad-boy" cycle of self-defeating behavior (YAY you!) the pendulum I fear has swung too far the other way. This guy is TOO safe. A woman (well a human, except apparently him) needs passion as well.

So to sum up:

Do you- as you are, only better...get some counseling...cherish the friendship, whilst being open to meeting new people.
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Old 12-30-2013, 06:35 AM   #10
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Being 20 isn't easy, still sorting yourself out
He sounds more like a friend than a bf.
Try joining more social clubs and getting into uni life, you wont get a 2nd chance

set yourself some goals for the new year, small things like joining a club you are interested in or going to dance and staying at least 30 mins

Stop letting men define you. If you meet someone great, but its not the be all and end all
You are young, bright and the whole wonderful world is stretching before you

Make an effort to make friends, those at Uni will generally stay with you for a long time
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Old 12-30-2013, 06:56 AM   #11
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This is not a relationship you're in, it's 'friends without benefits'. Also known as a friendship. I think you probably need to reassess what a relationship is, and should mean, to both you and him.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:38 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherHobo View Post
First of all, you are definitely not "done," regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with the guy you are hooked up with now. Girl, how in the world did you develop such low self esteem? Don't you realize that a 20-year-old girl is like GOLD on the dating scene? You could have slightly older men beating a path to your door with very little effort on your part.

If you were willing to accept a man somewhat older than yourself, you would have him worshipping you. Get real! No beautiful young woman should ever feel like she has no options. Your entire WORLD is options.

MrCumwell is absolutely right. LIFE IS SHORT. Way too short. Start thinking about what you want to do with your life besides answer a million emails from your needy boyfriend who only comes to see you once a week.

Don't ever think that you are stuck with one guy. There are literally hundreds of men who would love to meet you. Get your head straight. I'm not going to bore you with a long list of all the stuff you could be doing to improve your life, but let's just say: more education, a career path, volunteer work, join a gym and start running, join a dance school or a martial arts class, etc. etc.
LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT. MAKE A PLAN, TAKE ACTION. And good luck, sweetheart.
Very well put!!
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Old 12-31-2013, 03:13 PM   #13
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Joyce

You have a few replies, apparently all from men.

I have an opinion too- from an older woman in the colonies -

First, Id ignore his e-mails and whatever electronic communication you are getting from him. You mention his family and his own circle - Obviously you are an outsider he keeps just as a playtoy.

With no sex, he isn't the slightest bit interested in you.

Ignore facebook and anything even hinting of a threat. Get over it and him

Find a new lover, but I'm not suggesting that you start producing babies until a real relationship evolves, which it will.

Go to university - think of all the guys you will meet, some of whom will lust after you and give you the love and comfort you are seeking.
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Old 12-31-2013, 04:18 PM   #14
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I'm going through a divorce right now, so perhaps I'm not in the best position to offer advice, but it seems that your situation is pretty simple when you get down to it.

Identify what you want, and then pursue it. You are far too young to think that you're stuck. If you want a deeper relationship (or perhaps just a more physical one), then let him know, point blank, in person. He can only give one of two responses, and if he doesn't give the one you want, then it's time to move on.

It may be time to admit that he's just not that into you, but talking to the guy openly and honestly is the only way to know for sure.
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Old 12-31-2013, 06:05 PM   #15
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Come out of your hole and take a look around young lady, life will pass you by if you allow it to! Believe me, if you want a quiet sedate life fine, find someone to share it with you. If your freind puits a high priority on family, and they take priority over you, then he does not consider you his family. Red Light. College is a perfect place to meet someone who will not take you for granted. GO FOR IT! you deserve it. Everyone does, so take it.
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Old 12-31-2013, 08:33 PM   #16
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By the way, if you do end up splitting with your boyfriend, don't feel that you have to fill the vacancy right away. Take some time, do things you enjoy that take you out of the home (you don't have to go to clubs and bars to meet people, you know), and just enjoy being you.

Just don't hop into a serious relationship with the first person who is available, even if they seem nice at first, or you may end up sharing your life with someone you really shouldn't be with. I did mention I was getting divorced, right?

As a fellow homebody, let me give you some advice on how to meet people: get out. You don't have to have a particular destination in mind. When I was your age, I rode public transportation to random destinations once a week and just forced myself to start conversations with anyone I found interesting. I made a lot of friends that way, even if I never actually ended up dating anyone at the time. It's a good way to open you mind and make yourself socially visible without enduring the club scene.
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Old 01-01-2014, 12:55 AM   #17
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Advice is easily sought, but figuring out which advice to follow and which advice to ignore is the tricky part. I used to give out advice a lot to friends, but it has cost me some friendships because my advice was what I thought, not necessarily what people wanted to hear.

I think ScarsUnseen has the best advice: "Identify what you want, and then pursue it."

The red flag I see in your writeup is that it seems you are seeking justifications to stay in your relationship even though you are not getting what you want out of the relationship. That is not a good place to be and you owe it to yourself to steer the relationship where you want it to go (you have to talk to your partner about this). During that process one of the following will happen:

1. Someone in the relationship will realize that common ground cannot be reached and end the relationship.

2. Someone in the relationship will yield (sacrifice, submit, or ignore) their desires to acquiesce to their partners desires.

2A. If yielder feels strongly about their desires, after the happiness the relationship is saved wears off, the yielder will experience resentment and sadness from having their relationship needs unfulfilled. The yielder either lives with the decision, or restarts the process. If the same issue/problems keeps coming up and landing in #2A, eventually #1, #2, or #3 happens.

3. The couple will steer the relationship to a common ground. This leads to happiness from both partners, both communicated their viewpoints and were part of the decision making process.

Y-O-U are responsible for your own future and define your own self worth. If you let people/relationships label, categorize, and define you, you will be caged in a cell others created for you. This is a terrible way to go through life.

Many of the people I see who are happy with their lives can define what they need to make them happy and keep working towards it. At 20, you are at the point in life where you need to define what makes you happy. So simply don't do things you don't like, do things you do like, and mix in some new things so you can figure out if you like them or not (I could stand to do more new stuff).

When I was in college I didn't go clubbing or drinking either. I didn't really see the point of going to a place I couldn't have a conversation without yelling and it really wasn't my idea of a good time where people were just going to drink until they threw up. My friends who were into that consistently invited me and I politely declined. Common statements said were: "you never do anything", "you are being antisocial". I can't say I lost friends over it (if I did they were never my friend in the first place), I honestly think they were looking out for me. Life is easier when other people can't define you = ).

Anyway, it probably seems like college students are only interested in clubbing and drinking, but trust me some of them do other things (you have to dig deeper beyond all the chatter of the latest party). Just attend events you like to participate in and people that show up also are apparently interested and gives you an excuse to talk to them.

I am always interested to hear what people think of my advice because I might learn something new.

Last edited by whiteskysage22 : 01-01-2014 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:01 AM   #18
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I didn't read all the comments. But I got half way through the op, and thought, "this is bullshit." At 15, for starters, no one is going on vacations to meet up with their boyfriend. Geeze. Now, if I'm wrong about all this being bullshit, I apologize, but a 20-year-old surely has better things to do on New Year's Eve than write a long, rambling How To request on a porn site. But, I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong.

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Old 01-01-2014, 01:26 AM   #19
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I didn't read all the comments. But I got half way through the op, and thought, "this is bullshit." At 15, for starters, no one is going on vacations to meet up with their boyfriend. Geeze. Now, if I'm wrong about all this being bullshit, I apologize, but a 20-year-old surely has better things to do on New Year's Eve than write a long, rambling How To request on a porn site. But, I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong.

I might be misunderstanding you, but the OP made this post on the 29th, not tonight.
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:28 AM   #20
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I might be misunderstanding you, but the OP made this post on the 29th, not tonight.
No problem. I thought it was a new thread.
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:46 AM   #21
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Honey, you've gotten some damn decent advise here (along with a sprinkling of douche-canoes).
The only thing I'll add is this:
You are not relationship ready, at least not relationships that involve that potent mix of emotions and sex usually called love.
You're only twenty. You still haven't really figured out who you are and what you want.
Once you do, you'll find a person (or persons!) that are compatible. Understand that you don't need to be perfect, nor is Prince Charming likely to come (Las Vegas odds, roughly comparable to hitting a jack-pot on the slots; it could happen, but don't bet your life on it) and whisk you off to Happily Every After.
You do need to be strong and secure enough in your self to be able to communicate and negotiate the necessary compromises that make a relationship.

Good luck, be brave, be strong.
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Old 01-02-2014, 06:29 PM   #22
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Can i just say thanks to all the advice, it's been an eye-opener. I know what i want to do, i'm currently trying to gain the confidence to do it as i'm not going to continue to be second best anymore. You're all right, why should i depend upon some man, who never treats me correctly?
I need to continue on with my hobby and gain confidence with myself, and figure out what type of person i am, and i just can't do it being in this dwindling relationship.

Yes, i know, i'm 20, and i'm probably the most boring 20 year old in the country. Yes, i hate clubbing and I loathe getting drunk, but that's apart of who i am, and i need to accept that.
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Old 01-02-2014, 06:36 PM   #23
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You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to get drunk and go clubbing. You can do far healthier things while also being sociable. Have you thought about trying the gym/fitness classes...as a way of getting out on your own and meeting people in a non-boozy environment?
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Old 01-02-2014, 06:45 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by jasminxo View Post
Can i just say thanks to all the advice, it's been an eye-opener. I know what i want to do, i'm currently trying to gain the confidence to do it as i'm not going to continue to be second best anymore. You're all right, why should i depend upon some man, who never treats me correctly?
I need to continue on with my hobby and gain confidence with myself, and figure out what type of person i am, and i just can't do it being in this dwindling relationship.

Yes, i know, i'm 20, and i'm probably the most boring 20 year old in the country. Yes, i hate clubbing and I loathe getting drunk, but that's apart of who i am, and i need to accept that.
There are lots of available men out there...many of whom are just as nice, and just as shy as you are --- and who probably don't really like the "clubbing" scene, either. Don't beat yourself up simply because you haven't figured out all of life's mysteries at age twenty; that is an impossible task, and the best you'll probably be able to do is find someone to share the adventure with you...and share some laughter and love along the way.
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Old 01-03-2014, 06:06 PM   #25
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some nice advice here, hope you get it sll sorted Jasmin x
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