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Old 12-02-2013, 06:49 PM   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoPilot View Post
Well, I mean... isn't everyone in cishetero male-led relationships where he gets to fool around because it's his nature, and the woman is docile and stupid and has no libido because its hers?

And isn't everyone in relationships where they can "have it all" (not to be confused with compromise), and those who are unhappy for any reason whatsoever are luckless saps for not breaking it off and wow aren't they just so jealous?
Whoa! Hang on here. I feel a pile on with the OP.
1. I feel the same as in my post (I think I was the original responder) and I relate to the OP as a single woman who is monogamous and yes, wants her needs fulfilled
And 2. I also feel like monogamous kinky or BDSM people are looked down upon in this community. I've seen it on Fet. And here. Apparently poly people are better than monogamous people.
I think the OP got a tough break by all you poly people saying how your "vanilla" relationship (poly relationships aren't vanilla) work for you.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:05 PM   #77
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loverskitten View Post
Whoa! Hang on here. I feel a pile on with the OP.
1. I feel the same as in my post (I think I was the original responder) and I relate to the OP as a single woman who is monogamous and yes, wants her needs fulfilled
And 2. I also feel like monogamous kinky or BDSM people are looked down upon in this community. I've seen it on Fet. And here. Apparently poly people are better than monogamous people.
I think the OP got a tough break by all you poly people saying how your "vanilla" relationship (poly relationships aren't vanilla) work for you.
I'm not poly?
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:13 PM   #78
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loverskitten View Post
Whoa! Hang on here. I feel a pile on with the OP.
1. I feel the same as in my post (I think I was the original responder) and I relate to the OP as a single woman who is monogamous and yes, wants her needs fulfilled
And 2. I also feel like monogamous kinky or BDSM people are looked down upon in this community. I've seen it on Fet. And here. Apparently poly people are better than monogamous people.
I think the OP got a tough break by all you poly people saying how your "vanilla" relationship (poly relationships aren't vanilla) work for you.
NO.

for fuck's sake.

OP got a tough break by all kinds of people pointing out that SHE has no right to judge everyone else's decisions and to pretty much flat out state that her decisions are the right ones and anyone who didn't make them is dumb.

And when we asked her to speak only for herself, she explained that for herself everyone else is dumb.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:18 PM   #79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
NO.

for fuck's sake.

OP got a tough break by all kinds of people pointing out that SHE has no right to judge everyone else's decisions and to pretty much flat out state that her decisions are the right ones and anyone who didn't make them is dumb.

And when we asked her to speak only for herself, she explained that for herself everyone else is dumb.
I will fight you in person :P (love you, and I'll buy you a drink first)
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:19 PM   #80
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I also don't think she was judging everyone. Criminy
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:21 PM   #81
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I will fight you in person :P (love you, and I'll buy you a drink first)
[amazinglyoff-topic]
If I buy the drinks, can I watch? [/amazinglyoff-topic]
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:11 PM   #82
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If I may jump back in...

Ultimatebliss (OP) was trying to get a point across - some people in vanilla relationships keep their kinks hidden for whatever reason. Many times (I can relate) we say one thing in text and to us it looks right but it comes out like "ARGHGHHHSHUTUP!".

That's all I suspect it was.

J

Edited for phrasing accuracy!
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:23 PM   #83
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
[amazinglyoff-topic]
If I buy the drinks, can I watch? [/amazinglyoff-topic]
I know, right? Personally, I would love to... lose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by leatherleaf View Post
If I may jump back in...

Ultimatebliss (OP) was trying to get a point across - why don't people tell others about their kinks. Many times (I can relate) we say one thing in text and to us it looks right but it comes out like "ARGHGHHHSHUTUP!".

That's all I suspect it was.

J
No, that would be a question, not a point. And she got answers back that she wouldn't accept.

I'm just saying.
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:04 PM   #84
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Yeah, dude, guys... I quoted OP where they said that no answer was good enough for the question.

Which means it wasn't a question.
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:32 PM   #85
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ultimatebliss View Post
The answers that have been given to me here have made me question even more. Why are people so much more expressive of there wants to strangers than their partners?!
That's an easy one! You risk nothing talking with strangers from behind a shield of anonymity. You say the same stuff to a partner, it's real, an emotional risk. You could lose them. It might not be likely, but its an extreme consequence. That's scary, and giving into fear is understandable.

Quote:
I find it hard to understand why it's hard for anyone to ask for what they crave.
Lots of possible reasons. For me it's mostly that i don't feel worthy of asking for, let alone getting, what i want. Then there's the classic fear of rejection.

There's a manipulative side to it, too - if i make what i want a 'mystery' and rarely admit to it, then on the rare occasion i'm open about it, i just might get it.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:36 PM   #86
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Originally Posted by Loverskitten View Post
Whoa! Hang on here. I feel a pile on with the OP.
1. I feel the same as in my post (I think I was the original responder) and I relate to the OP as a single woman who is monogamous and yes, wants her needs fulfilled
And 2. I also feel like monogamous kinky or BDSM people are looked down upon in this community. I've seen it on Fet. And here. Apparently poly people are better than monogamous people.
I think the OP got a tough break by all you poly people saying how your "vanilla" relationship (poly relationships aren't vanilla) work for you.
No, the poly pile on was with HussarvanBuren and was more about not applying your own moral standards to non-consenting strangers.

As for the OP I think it is a great ideal to be able to be totally open and honest with who you are and what you want in your relationship and anywhere really. The real world is not ideal though, a bit shabby at best I'd say.
Heck, lots of people aren't even open and honest with themselves about those things.

I get that the OP doesn't get it and that OP doesn't think the reasons given in this thread would be valid for them. Doesn't make them less valid for the people who are in that situation though.
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Old 12-03-2013, 06:11 PM   #87
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I was introduced to BDSM in college. I was part of a thriving threesome, off and on (geography issues) for the better part of 6 years, plus I played with a different top I was dating during the 2nd half of that time. In less than a month my Sir died in a car wreck, his Sir and partner committed suicide, and a very close girlfriend (very lost her battle with leukemia. My 2nd top was minimal consolation, and we had been having a rough time anyway.

I was young, only 24, in deep emotional pain, and foolishly tried to rush into a new relationship. I played hard at a club in NYC, made some dumb choices, and ultimately scared myself stupid...and vanilla. I'd lumped ALL of my feelings, all of my needs, into one big "this is a BAD THING" package, and walked away from the Lifestyle.

Several months later I met a "nice vanilla guy" whom I married a year later.

Flash forward about 8 years. For reasons I've never fully understood, I started to have needy, "subby" feelings again. I think that the combination of working, caring for my kids, and having a less-than-supportive husband overwhelmed me. My now-ex almost always deferred to be about things, rarely took charge of anything, and inflicted more power (in our relationship) than I could or wanted to handle.

I clearly remember a day, driving to a friend's house and stuck in traffic, when the song "Possession" (by Sarah McLaughlin) came on the radio. The words hit me and I just started to cry. It was like a door that I thought was firmly locked, bricked-over and hidden in a wall behind a "proper" decoration suddenly blew open into a part of my life where I felt it didn't belong. Except...it was the surroundings to that doorway were the false thing, and the doorway was the reality.

I tried to talk to my husband, to explain my needs and my history. At first he was polite but squicked. A little later I discovered that he was playing online dom, and he then told me that he had a history with subs before we met. It never quite jived, to me, with my own experiences of and with him. Whatever. We had several other issues (mostly money and his chronic lying, which I was starting to clue into) so it was very difficult for me to trust him, but I tried. Meanwhile, I joined an online group for subs which gave me a tremendous amount of support and comfort.

And then I met Master. It was terribly complicated at first, and this is already long-winded. I realized that I had been given an incredible opportunity to change my life and try to 'have it all.' So I did. I kicked my husband out, made plans to move, packed up my kids and my life, and started over cross-country. I know it probably sounds terrible in any number of ways, but it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. My kids are nearly grown and on their own, now, and I think that they have thrived. I know that I have. Master and I got married 8 years ago. We've had some rough patches, but the commitment runs deep and we are who we need to be and safe with each other.

Yes, Master and I both cheated on our spouses in the beginning. We were both very unhappy, and found something incredibly special with each other. Actually, I'd venture to say that all four of us were unhappy. I'd also venture to say that our respective spouses are now happier than they were before. The transition was hard on all of us; there was plenty of hurt to go around. Despite it all, though, I can't truthfully say that I'd change most of what happened. If anything, I would have tried to speed things up to get where we are now.
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:05 PM   #88
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
I would say that the S in BDSM does indeed stand for Sex, along with standing for Sadism and Slave and Submissive.
Yay, B for big tits, D for dick, S for sex and M for mature and then, finally, everyone is satisfied and can wear the BDSM tag.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NTEBK8erAQ
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Old 12-09-2013, 12:10 PM   #89
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I guess I'm one of those "willingly in a vanilla relationship".

I don't mix BDSM with sex. (Weird, huh?)

I identify as a masochistic rope bunny. I play with my play partners without any sexual contact. We laugh, we play, we have fun.

I was into kink about 1.5years properly before my bf came into my life. I explained what I needed/wanted. He reluctantly told me he couldn't give it to me. I said I'd only date him if he was happy with me getting it elsewhere. After explaining to him what usually goes on at a play session, he was fine with it. I don't come home and discuss what I got up to with him, but I do say "I'm going to such-and-such's for some rope play", etc.

Our sex life is good, he makes me happy, he lets me play with others (which is great as I get to play with whomever I want and that means I have plenty of variety).. and in turn, I assume, I make him happy.

I guess that's how I found myself in a vanilla relationship despite being a kinky bitch.
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Old 12-09-2013, 09:00 PM   #90
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I guess I'm one of those "willingly in a vanilla relationship".

I don't mix BDSM with sex. (Weird, huh?)

I identify as a masochistic rope bunny. I play with my play partners without any sexual contact. We laugh, we play, we have fun.

I was into kink about 1.5years properly before my bf came into my life. I explained what I needed/wanted. He reluctantly told me he couldn't give it to me. I said I'd only date him if he was happy with me getting it elsewhere. After explaining to him what usually goes on at a play session, he was fine with it. I don't come home and discuss what I got up to with him, but I do say "I'm going to such-and-such's for some rope play", etc.

Our sex life is good, he makes me happy, he lets me play with others (which is great as I get to play with whomever I want and that means I have plenty of variety).. and in turn, I assume, I make him happy.

I guess that's how I found myself in a vanilla relationship despite being a kinky bitch.
Not to threadjack but this fascinates me. Mind starting a new thread to talk about this?
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Old 12-09-2013, 09:21 PM   #91
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Sexless kink happens a lot more than you'd realize, I wager.

Though I would also be interested in a thread about this~
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Old 12-09-2013, 09:24 PM   #92
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Sexless kink happens a lot more than you'd realize, I wager.
I would not take that bet! LOL

It just never seems to get talked about I guess. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places.
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Old 12-31-2013, 11:57 PM   #93
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People change. I didn't know I was submissive at 22 when I married. I didn't figure that out til I was in my 30's...late 30's at that.
Hubby's not dominant. He tried..he's just not
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Old 01-01-2014, 04:47 PM   #94
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People change. I didn't know I was submissive at 22 when I married. I didn't figure that out til I was in my 30's...late 30's at that.
Hubby's not dominant. He tried..he's just not
I agree - people change.

I'm lucky in that my wife was at least somewhat accommodating in changing with me.

How did you/are you dealing? (If you don't mind me asking). I know a few people who are going through the same. For some reason it seems to be harder to make a submissive person dominant than a dominant submissive. Go figure.
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Old 01-01-2014, 05:14 PM   #95
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For some reason it seems to be harder to make a submissive person dominant than a dominant submissive. Go figure.
It's incredibly unfair to MAKE someone who isn't submissive, submissive, the same way it's incredibly unfair to MAKE someone who isn't dominant, dominant.

It's more common to see people claiming submissive tendencies asking how to change a partner, than people claiming dominant tendencies to ask how to change a partner, but it happens both ways with equal [IMO low] success.

If the discussion comes up, and both parties are ethically open, honest and willing - yes it can work. But it's also just as common for one to explore at a lover's request, and confirm it's just not their thing. I had an arrangement once, where I was encouraged to Top. I did my best, but it wasn't good enough because *I* didn't get off the way I was expected to. I was competent, I did everything right, but it didn't turn me on. I was uncomfortable, and it wasn't my first inclination... the mismatch ultimately contributed to the end of a decent friendship.


Common complaint...

Q -

OMG he/she would be so perfect if they would just accept that I NEEEEEEEEED to submit! But they don't get it! Why can't he/she be more dom?!? How can I change him/her?

A -

(a) Stop whining and serve
[but OMG that's like... work. I want MY NEEDS filled! I'm SUBMISSIVE, dammit!]

(b) What if your partner came to you, asking you to dominate them? Asking you to change?
[Ew! I can't do that! I don't have a dominant bone in my body! You don't get it! I NEEEEEEED to submit! Dominating feels so... wrong!]

c) What if your partner has the same feelings towards being dominant, as you do?
[*sigh* You just don't understand. I now they could do it if they'd just try...]
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Old 01-01-2014, 07:10 PM   #96
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It's incredibly unfair to MAKE someone who isn't submissive, submissive, the same way it's incredibly unfair to MAKE someone who isn't dominant, dominant.
Respectfully - I totally disagree. That being said I'm not talking about a 24/7 dynamic AT ALL. That would be hard to fake.

Again, respectfully, but its this type of thinking that sets back sexuality. One person's needs are never met (even though they love the other person) and they aren't expected to ask for that or try to get the person to change.

That being said, yes its a compromise. But aren't all marriages/relationships?

I admit that I've essentially made my wife a "service sub/bottom" (whatever in the heck you want to call it). I wanted her to enjoy spanking and enjoy submitting. She does to a degree. The rest she fakes and gives constructive criticism after and we try other things. Maybe I got lucky and am trying to change a 50% submissive person. I don't know.

I like analogies and there are a million to this. My wife likes hugs. I'm an introvert. It would be so easy to say she was trying to change me and then say I'm not going to do it. My view - when you care about someone you'll do things you don't like that they do and enjoy it because they enjoy it.

I don't enjoy going out to eat on dates and dropping money on a meal. It doesn't mean I can't enjoy the meal - hell I spent the money on it.

So I find it a huge cop out when people use the "I don't feel the same way" speech. Especially when it comes from a man who won't dominate his woman. I want to slap them and tell them to man up but I'm afraid they'd enjoy that.
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Old 01-01-2014, 08:56 PM   #97
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I consider there to be a difference between asking a partner to Top or bottom, versus "making" them be dominant or submissive.

In my experience, being asked to Top or bottom? No big issue.

Being expected to encompass all the emotions and desires of Dominance, and criticized for NOT "getting it" from that perspective? Issue. Big big issue.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:52 AM   #98
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I suppose my relationship is a decent example of what OP is talking about. I was very adventurous when I was younger and got to explore a lot of my sexual desires in high school and college, which led to me realizing I was submissive and had a strong desire to serve my partner. It's hard to find a casual relationship with enough trust to put yourself in someone's hands, so I muddled along and unfortunately had a couple guys get nasty when I tried to draw a line - they were not Doms in any sense of the word but they had very forceful personalities and I thought I could make do. Needless to say, lesson learned.

I met my husband when I was 20 about to turn 21, and we have been engaged for two years and are about to get married. He was raised pretty sheltered and didn't really know what BDSM was when we first got together. I have been slowly introducing him to concepts one at a time so as not to overwhelm him, but I do find it difficult to express my desire to be owned and possessed and to fulfill his every whim wit no regard to my own satisfaction. He has always been very insistent that we are equal partners in our relationship. This is ok because I am not subby outside the bedroom, but I am beginning to become frustrated with the slow learning pace. I remind myself that a year ago he wouldn't have even considered choking me with his dick but now he is getting to the point where he trusts me to use my safe word if I need to.

It's not always a deal-breaker. I feel like this is a frustration that could become a problem later, but I am also hyper-aware of my own psyche and am keeping a close eye on my emotional state/relationship. So far, so good. I'm marrying my best friend and couldn't ask for a better life. We will get there eventually.
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