Old 01-18-2014, 02:06 AM   #101
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Great Presentation Skills: Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills: Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee: Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified: Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority: Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially: Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially: Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker: Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking: Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker: Won't make a decision
Agressive: Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs: Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well: Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail: A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities: Is tall or has a loud voice
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Old 01-18-2014, 05:15 PM   #102
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just canít take that chance!"
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Old 01-19-2014, 06:04 PM   #103
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The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.....

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Unfriendly female
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
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Old 01-19-2014, 06:04 PM   #104
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A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours..

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs. "
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Old 01-19-2014, 06:05 PM   #105
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Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, what will you do with your time?,

I replied, "I still have a job, I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."
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Old 01-19-2014, 08:24 PM   #106
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Mountain Jack had hunted big game since he was a young man, but one trophy he'd lacked was a Kodiak grizzly. At last, after many years, he finally had an opportunity to take a hunting trip to Kodiak Island.

He'd hunted all day and hadn't seen a single bear, so he went back to camp and was sitting on a log in front of the campfire when the biggest grizzly of them all crept up behind him and wrapped its huge front paws around Mountain Jack and stood up.

It had so completely surprised him that his hunting rifle was out of reach. Mountain Jack thought he was a goner. He looked down and saw the bear's male parts, so he reached out and yanked the bear's penis.

The bear dropped Mountain Jack, who immediately took off running down the hill, across the creek, and up the other side. When he didn't hear the bear coming after him, he looked back and saw the bear, still standing by the campfire, waving its large paw for him to come back.
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Old 01-19-2014, 09:32 PM   #107
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
BROTHER SPEEDER,
LET'S REHEARSE:
ALL TOGETHER,
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma Shave
I remember seeing those signs when we would take trips on vacation. I was probably 10 or so and those signs would be along the side of the rode.
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Old 01-20-2014, 12:19 AM   #108
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Originally Posted by Zeb_Carter View Post
I remember seeing those signs when we would take trips on vacation. I was probably 10 or so and those signs would be along the side of the rode.
My favorite:
THE POPE'S INCENSED,
THE CLERGY RAVES,
BUT NEVERTHELESS,
JESUS SHAVES!
Burma Shave
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Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:50 PM   #109
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"Ye gods, I need a stiff drink" she said
"Wassup?" said her friend.
"I'm really embarrassed; my daughter caught me having sex with the cleaner:
Or 'her father' as she calls him."
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:56 PM   #110
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A teacher walked into her class on Monday and saw FTT1RA written on the board. The teacher asked,"Who wrote this on the board?" Suzy stood up and said, "I did. I means; For the teacher, one red apple."
On Tuesday the teacher walked into the class and saw FTT1JO. The teacher asked, "Who wrote this on the board?" Billy stood up and said, "I did. It means; For the teacher, one juicy orange."
Om Friday the teacher walked in and saw FUCK 1T written on the board. "Who wrote this?" she demanded to know. Juan stood up. "I did," he said. "It means; From us Chicano kids, 1 tamale."
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Old 01-21-2014, 07:55 AM   #111
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Remember the VEET review? Here's another type.

30,193 of 30,614 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012
By
Christine E. Torok
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)


Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wild flowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
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Old 01-21-2014, 02:21 PM   #112
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"Hey up," said the Barman to the man sitting quietly at the Bar. "It's your wife."

The lady referred to looks at the man and yells "I thought you'd be in here. You're coming home with me Right NOW!"

As he followed his wife out, the man said to the Barman:
"You know, every year she has to ruin our Wedding Anniversary."
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:21 AM   #113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
30,193 of 30,614 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Most of the reviews are fun for that product:
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-C...owViewpoints=1
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:33 PM   #114
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Tomorrow I will do the housework

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
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Old 01-23-2014, 05:54 PM   #115
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A teacher asked her junior class to names things ending in "tor" that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator".
"Very good James, that's a big word", said the teacher.
The second little boy said, "Predator".
"Yes, that's another big word", said the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator".
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That's a big word Johnny, but
it doesn't eat anything".
Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***king batteries like
there's no tomorrow".
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:09 AM   #116
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Remember Semaphore? Can you follow this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91_jymgH8QY
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:15 AM   #117
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Quote:
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Remember Semaphore? Can you follow this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91_jymgH8QY
It's been far too long since Semaphore was taught in my Scout Troop.
It's damned funny though!
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Old 01-24-2014, 01:38 PM   #118
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Hanlonís Razor:

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Ė Robert J. Hanlon.
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Here My Stories

The Horny Springs Saga continues.

My New Best Friend, for our VE's


Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.
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Old 01-24-2014, 02:00 PM   #119
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Here My Stories

The Horny Springs Saga continues.

My New Best Friend, for our VE's


Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.
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Old 01-24-2014, 03:23 PM   #120
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Take a little time and look at this one; I thought it funny.
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:02 PM   #121
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"I'm off to Thailand on my Holiday tomorrow"

"Oh really? Be careful though. I went to Bangkok and met this stunning girl, plied her with drinks in an attempt to get lucky with her. When we got back to my hotel, she was too pissed to maintain an erection"
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Old 01-25-2014, 08:12 AM   #122
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $6.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $6.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.
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Old 01-26-2014, 06:01 AM   #123
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The Best Resignation Letter Ever

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!


Dear Mr. B***,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia
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Old 01-27-2014, 12:19 AM   #124
Saxon_Hart
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Logic!

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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Every day sends future to past. Every breath leaves me one less to my last.

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Old 01-28-2014, 10:27 AM   #125
Tio_Narratore
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: North
Posts: 39,139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saxon_Hart View Post
Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
cute, but you left out a line...

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

Woman:
Which one?
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