Old 11-24-2013, 02:11 PM   #26
JKendallDane
Plot Bunny Herder
 
JKendallDane's Avatar
 
JKendallDane is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Redneck Riviera of Florida
Posts: 2,324
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
__________________
Life does indeed suck at times...but I'm sticking around just to see if it will spit or swallow

~~~> This connects you to my JKD Literotica stories and series collection

~~~> My Pizzaboyatdoor's strokers on Lit are found here

~~~> This lets you come visit me at my Facebook Author page
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-25-2013, 05:15 PM   #27
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-27-2013, 08:18 AM   #28
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,476
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-27-2013, 08:42 AM   #29
TxRad
Dirty Old Man
 
TxRad's Avatar
 
TxRad is online now
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 29,046
Now there's a Loving Wives story in the making.
__________________
New Story: The Photographer 12/06/14 Romance

New Story: Party Early 10/02/14 Romance Halloween Contest


Why yes, I am a dirty old man. Thanks for asking.

All Stories By TxRad
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-27-2013, 07:58 PM   #30
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Quote:
Originally Posted by TxRad View Post
Now there's a Loving Wives story in the making.
Good idea.
The original of that joke was for a children's TV character called "Postman Pat".
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2013, 02:02 AM   #31
Hypoxia
doesn't watch television
 
Hypoxia's Avatar
 
Hypoxia is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In a-gadda-da-vida, honey
Posts: 3,235
Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
The other day I took my dogs downtown to enroll them in the welfare program.

{blah blah blah}

Spot and Rover get their checks starting next month.
What part of this was supposed to be funny? Just wondering...
__________________
.
Hypoxia's LIT posts - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, troll

Big Banana (incest-SF) - "you had too much sex with your banana slug. as a writer you SUCK. delete and stop posting until you learn how to write" -Anon
Story of my Fucking Life (LW) - "change you name from Hypoxia to DOA, you died on acid moron. borrow a gun and do the world a favor. I'll give you 5 stars after you commit suicide." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon

Halloween: Day of the Fucking Dead, A Taste of Pumpkin & Candy, A Taste of Spirits
Winter Contest: Gift Box, A Taste of Turkey (Dad) (Mom), Born of XXXMas Day: Shelly

Last edited by Hypoxia : 11-28-2013 at 01:34 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-29-2013, 01:00 AM   #32
JustaSCOUNDREL
Literotica Guru
 
JustaSCOUNDREL's Avatar
 
JustaSCOUNDREL is online now
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Southwest U.S.A.
Posts: 1,539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
What part of this was supposed to be funny? Just wondering...
Since you seem to be lacking a sense of humor or an ability to detect the humor in the culture that willingly spends your tax dollars on their arcane rules and regulations with minimal real safeguards you may wish to participate in some other thread.

Quite honestly this is a humor thread, read it and if you do not understand, just move along.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-29-2013, 05:21 AM   #33
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
What part of this was supposed to be funny? Just wondering...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustaSCOUNDREL View Post
Since you seem to be lacking a sense of humor or an ability to detect the humor in the culture that willingly spends your tax dollars on their arcane rules and regulations with minimal real safeguards you may wish to participate in some other thread.

Quite honestly this is a humor thread, read it and if you do not understand, just move along.
I wonder if the Penny has dropped yet ?
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-29-2013, 05:36 AM   #34
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.

Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-29-2013, 12:22 PM   #35
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out,
"One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-29-2013, 07:33 PM   #36
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,476
Casino Money
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-01-2013, 11:08 PM   #37
desertslave
Amateur Painslut
 
desertslave's Avatar
 
desertslave is offline
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: At JustaSCOUNDREL's feet
Posts: 3,059
Quote:
Originally Posted by JKendallDane View Post
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

<snipped>
I just heard this very true story from my Mom yesterday, about my much-older brother and his best friend, when they were kids. They both stopped to visit after attending their high school reunion Friday night.

The boys had been playing upstairs then, after some odd noises, they scurried down to the basement (which was semi-finished at the time).

A little while later, Mom thought she got a whiff of smoke while in the kitchen (the basement door was just past the kitchen doorway). She went downstairs as the boys were arguing about what went wrong, hearing my brother declare "I don't know why they didn't go off, they must all be duds!"

Scattered around the floor, with burnt string-ends, were several otherwise-new Tampax and too very disappointed boys.

****

The best part was, as Mom was telling this tale on them, both much-older men started to blush then cracked up. My brother denies everything, but his friend remembered it very well, and swore it was my brother's idea.
__________________
Please enjoy my stories
Editor Profile Sorry, temporarily unavailable
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-02-2013, 01:14 AM   #38
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,074
Top Ten ways you can tell your employer has switched to an Obamacare Health Insurance Plan

10) Your annual breast exam is performed at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Primary Care Physicians office include 'Turn left after entering trailer park'.

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgecicles.

7) The only proctologist listed in the plan is 'Gus from Roto-Rooter'.

6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is 'An apple a day'.

5) Your Primary Care Physician is wearing the same pants you gave to Goodwill two weeks ago.

4) The statement 'The patient is responsible for 200% of the out-of-network charges' is not a typo.

3) The only health expense covered 100% is 'Embalming'.

2) Your Prozac now comes in colors with little white 'M's printed on them.

And the number one way you can tell your employer has enrolled you in an Obamacare Health Plan:

1) You request a prescription for Viagra and you're given some Popsicle sticks and a roll of duct tape.
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

Last edited by TE999 : 12-02-2013 at 01:19 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-02-2013, 06:50 PM   #39
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Ouch !

Some bloke knocked on the door today.

I opened it and he stood there, about 3 ft 3 inches tall.

I said "who are you?"

He said "I'm the meter man"
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-02-2013, 06:54 PM   #40
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Proverbs - The Strange Version

1. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-02-2013, 11:55 PM   #41
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,074
A little boy asks his mother "Where did human beings come from?"

The mother responds by telling him the story of Adam and Eve who were the first humans and how their descendants came to populate the Earth.

Then the little boy asks his father the same question.

The father tells him about Evolution and how human beings evolved over time from our apelike ancestors.

Then the little boy is confused, so he says to his mother "You said we came from Adam and Eve, but dad said we evolved from apes. Which is true?"

"Well," the mother replies. "I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-03-2013, 10:23 AM   #42
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
 
SweetMaj's Avatar
 
SweetMaj is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Denmark Copenhagen
Posts: 14,569
Quote:
Originally Posted by desertslave View Post
I just heard this very true story from my Mom yesterday, about my much-older brother and his best friend, when they were kids. They both stopped to visit after attending their high school reunion Friday night.

The boys had been playing upstairs then, after some odd noises, they scurried down to the basement (which was semi-finished at the time).

A little while later, Mom thought she got a whiff of smoke while in the kitchen (the basement door was just past the kitchen doorway). She went downstairs as the boys were arguing about what went wrong, hearing my brother declare "I don't know why they didn't go off, they must all be duds!"

Scattered around the floor, with burnt string-ends, were several otherwise-new Tampax and too very disappointed boys.

****

The best part was, as Mom was telling this tale on them, both much-older men started to blush then cracked up. My brother denies everything, but his friend remembered it very well, and swore it was my brother's idea.

I love it!
__________________
"Mind if I sit down?"

"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
SHANIA TWAIN.

There is no limitation to my imagination.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-04-2013, 02:47 AM   #43
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Be drink-aware this Holiday

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-05-2013, 08:28 AM   #44
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,476
Coffeecare
Click on the youtube link

http://youtu.be/pCb9g8plGF8
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-05-2013, 06:09 PM   #45
Privates1stClass
Really Experienced
 
Privates1stClass's Avatar
 
Privates1stClass is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: The Erogenous Zone
Posts: 148
A lady took her pet schnauzer to the vet because it wouldn't come when called. She feared it was going deaf. The vet examined the dog and said there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which probably affected its hearing.

The vet said, "I'd give you a depilatory to remove the hair, but I didn't have any. Just get some Nair at your local pharmacy. That will work just as well as what I'd give you."

So the woman went to the pharmacy, located a small bottle of Nair, and read the instructions. There was nothing about how to use it on a dog.

She took it to the pharmacist and asked for his advice. "How do I apply it?" she inquired. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle, or do I dilute it?"

The pharmacist replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with water."

"It's for my schnauzer," she said.

"Oh, in that case, I'd suggest you dilute it three-to-one with water. By the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a couple weeks," the pharmacist responded.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-05-2013, 07:06 PM   #46
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
I was standing at the bar in a Vancouver Pub and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-05-2013, 07:07 PM   #47
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 37,036
Careful with the bedclothes. . .

Mr Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham
Crown Court, receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death
of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a
'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly
wrong'.

The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to
the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a
Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and
forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with
his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence,
which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out
nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was
deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted
practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried
what is commonly known on the street as a 'Dutch Oven', and even then only
after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side
football, about 'doing it' to their wives 'all the time'.

They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which
led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery's military tucking
in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning,
which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to
remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant
on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees,
eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic
naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped
wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery's face,
came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, "I accept that
you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note
both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on
the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in
the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends
across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and
girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no
longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you
have."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-05-2013, 11:33 PM   #48
BonBon1976
Literotica Guru
 
BonBon1976's Avatar
 
BonBon1976 is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: By the Water
Posts: 703
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
__________________
The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter, and the spirit heals with joy.

There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-06-2013, 12:32 AM   #49
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
 
SamScribble's Avatar
 
SamScribble is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Out there
Posts: 16,422
The head of security at London Zoo got a call from one of the keepers. ‘There’s been a bit of a disturbance at the elephant enclosure,’ the keeper said. ‘I’ve got three boys here. I think you should talk to them.’

The head of security raced across to the elephant enclosure where all was now quiet. ‘Are these the boys?’ he asked, nodding in the direction of three ten-year olds.

‘That’s them,’ the keeper said.

Suddenly, the boys all begin to talk at once.

‘Stop!’ the security man said. ‘One at a time. You; what’s your name and what were you doing?’

‘My name’s Tom,’ the first boy said. ‘And I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant’s enclosure.’

‘And you?’ the head of security asked the second boy.

‘My name’s Harry,’ the boy said. ‘And that’s what I was doing too: throwing peanuts into the elephant’s enclosure.

The head of security nodded towards the third boy.

‘Well, my name’s Michael,’ the boy said. ‘But my friends usually call me Peanuts.’
__________________
‘Writing is the ultimate decision-making experience. Every paragraph, every sentence, every word, is a decision.’ – Michael Bremer
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-06-2013, 12:45 PM   #50
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,476
> * A man walks into a bar,*
> *notices a very large jar on the counter,*
> *and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.*
> *He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.*
> *He approaches the* *bartender and asks,*
> *"What's with the money in the jar?"*
>
> * "Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,*
>
>
> *you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The
> man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,*
>
>
> *"What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender,
> "those are the rules."*
>
> * So, after thinking it over a while,*
>
>
>
>
> *the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay,"
> says
> the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a
> whole quart of tequila,*
> *in 60 seconds or less,*
> *and you can't make a face while doing it."*
> >
>
> * "Second -*
> *There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.*
> *You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."*
>
>
> * "Third -*
> *There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.*
> *You have to take care of that problem."*
>
>
> * The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 --*
> *but I'm not an idiot!*
> *I won't do it!*
> *You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila*
> *and then do all those other things!"*
>
> * "Your call," says the bartender,*
> *"but, your money stays where it is."*
>
> * As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,*
> *"Where's the damn tequila?!"*
>
> * He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.*
> *Tears stream down both cheeks --*
> *but he doesn’t make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!*
> *Next, he staggers out the back door*
> *where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.*
> *Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,*
> *screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight --*
> *then nothing but silence!*
>
> * Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,*
> *he staggers back into the bar.*
> *His clothes are ripped to shreds*
> *and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.*
> *He drunkenly says,*
> *"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"*
>
>
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:37 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.