Old 04-05-2014, 01:14 PM   #301
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bert_Fegg View Post
Oh come on, I never suggested it was true!


And now, back to the main programme:-

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

************************* ******


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, too much of this is the Truth.!!)


1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you..

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.
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Old 04-05-2014, 04:38 PM   #302
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Old 04-05-2014, 10:13 PM   #303
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year, I told him!! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Old 04-06-2014, 10:13 PM   #304
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Old 04-07-2014, 03:08 PM   #305
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Did you hear about the prostitute's appendectomy?

Her incision never healed properly, so now she's making a little money on the side.
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Old 04-07-2014, 06:09 PM   #306
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Once a programmer was tasked with designing the display for the Navy's newest aircraft carrier radar system. He'd been taught in metric in school, and had recently worked on an Army contract (the U.S. Army is metric).

So naturally he had the display show a plane's altitude in meters.

On the day the system was demonstrated, one of the admirals saw this and went ballistic:
"What the !@#$ is this? Son, I don't know where you're from or wha??t the h*ll you're thinking, but this is the U.S. Navy. We don't use pansy meters. We use good old English units. Fix it or your company loses the contract."

Sheepishly, the programmer returned to his company and set about fixing the display.

The next time the system was tested, the radar operators looked to see...
the aircraft altitude displayed in negative fathoms.
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Old 04-08-2014, 04:31 PM   #307
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'

Laugh... it burns calories.
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Old 04-08-2014, 10:52 PM   #308
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It had been a hard winter. It snowed even through the spring. One of the coldest winters recorded. Finally this Sunday morning the sun was shining, the birds were singing. A warm breeze was blowing. It was a perfect day. The minister decided to take the day off and play a round of golf.

He called his associate pastor and said. "I woke up with a nasty head cold. I'm gonna stay in bed today, you lead the service. After faking a coughing fit he hung up the phone and threw his clubs in his car and drove to the course.

He teed off on the hardest hole of the course. A par 4 with a nasty dogleg. The approach was narrow, and there was a huge water trap on the right. and a slightly smaller sandtrap on the left.

Justy as the ball left the tee a strong breeze took the ball and blew it over the traps and it landed on the green. It rolled over 20 feet right into the hole for the ministers first ever hole in one.

The Angel Gabriel went to God and said "Why'd you do that? He skipped out on church and broke a commandment to play golf."

God looked at Gabriel and replied "Who can he tell?"
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Old 04-09-2014, 06:27 PM   #309
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.


-------------------------------------------------------



Name:___________________________

Date of Birth:______________________

Height:____________ Weight:____________

I.Q.___________ GPA:_________

Social Security/ NA. Number:___________________

Driver's License #:____________

Boy Scout Rank:___________________________________________________

Home Address:____________________________

City:____________________

____________________________

Zip /Post Code:_______________________

How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________

2 miles?___________________

Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Water bed?_____

Do you have an ear ring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________

NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
_________________________________________________________________

Church you Attend:___________________

How often do you attend?____________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.

A Women's place is in the _________________________.

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.

In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.

My greatest fear is__________________________________________.

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.


NOTE:
If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises.

Keep your head low; running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?______

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________

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Emergency phone #_________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.


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Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
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Old 04-10-2014, 06:31 PM   #310
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Women and cats will do as they please ...






















And men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:19 AM   #311
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These were sent to me. too funny not to post.
DG

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.... If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,


"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.... it was the asphalt."


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on after a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today...... And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


Heard on a Kulula flight:

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.... If you can light' em, you can smoke' em."


This is your Captain speaking!!

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight..... So sit back, relax and.......... OH, MY GOD !

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you ..... While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Irish passenger yelled...... You should see the back of mine !!!
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:41 PM   #312
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One just for the English

Mrs. Thatcher's dead, Fergie's retired and Liverpool are going to win the league.










Somewhere there's a Scouser with a lamp and no wishes left.
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:44 PM   #313
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A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:29 PM   #314
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Reminds me of a restaurant in Ethiopia, where one of the items on the menu was a "chessburger".

I think that menu may have been written by a Literotica author...
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Old 04-15-2014, 06:44 PM   #315
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On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my karate club at the pavement edge, struggling to get to his feet.

He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm.

I helped him up and said, "Wow, mate, I thought you were a black belt."

"I am," he said, "but it doesn't work against cars."
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Old 04-16-2014, 06:01 PM   #316
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Exclamation New Virus Alert

A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known as "WORK Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine" (RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER) or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen" (VODKA).
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:00 PM   #317
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:57 PM   #318
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Did I see the work of Kettle & Christine there with Horace ?

#########

It was in the 1950s when two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Thoroughly pissed off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his ear.

.
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Old 04-21-2014, 03:03 PM   #319
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Old 04-21-2014, 04:56 PM   #320
Handley_Page
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A Blonde Explanation of Easter.......

Blonde 'Christians' Who Never Attend Church Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted!
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Old 04-21-2014, 04:57 PM   #321
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Easter Quotes:

Easter tells us that life is to be interpreted not simply in terms of things but in terms of ideals. - Charles M. Crowe

You'll wake up on Easter morning, And you'll know that he was there, When you find those choc'late bunnies, That he's hiding ev'rywhere. - Gene Audry

Easter is the demonstration of God that life is essentially spiritual and timeless. -
Charles M. Crowe

Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there. - Clarence W. Hall

Easter so longed for is gone in a day.- James Howell

Earth's saddest day and gladdest day were just three days apart! - Susan Coolridge

The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances. - Robert Flatt
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:05 PM   #322
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Blonde 'Christians' Who Never Attend Church Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

-
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted!
I laughed my ass off HP!

The redhead is glued to the Stanley Cup playoffs as I type.
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:25 PM   #323
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Especially if you seize your leisure to do it.
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Old 04-22-2014, 03:41 AM   #324
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A dog is wiser than a woman; it does not bark at its master. - Russian Proverb

A drink precedes a story. - Irish Proverb

A drowning man is not troubled by rain. - Persian Proverb

Better wear out shoes than sheets. - Scottish Proverb

Every ass loves to hear himself bray. - Proverb of Unknown Origin

Friends are lost by calling often and calling seldom. - French Proverb

He that marries for money will earn it. - American Proverb

Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. - Chinese Proverb

Lend your money and lose your friend.- English Proverb
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
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Old 04-23-2014, 05:26 PM   #325
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He sat there, parked in front of the TV.
She came out into the room and announced:
"Don't wait up, I'm going to dinner and a movie with the girls, and probably for a drink afterwards."

He looked up: "How come you have so many girl-friends but I'm not allowed even one?"
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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