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Old 11-16-2013, 01:04 PM   #1
wanderingslave
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Question Losing my virginity to a Dom?

I've always found myself attracted to the BDSM lifestyle and couldn't be more delighted when I started talking to this man who is a self professed Dom. He's very well mannered and respectful when we are in public but we've only so much as kissed when we are alone. He knows I'm not experienced romantically/sexually and is well aware of the reservations I have about losing my virginity (I was raised in a very conservative household and was unfortunately brainwashed to believe that my desire to be dominated and even sexually active is wrong) and letting him have full control of my body. The thing is I don't know if if I want to be bound, gagged, and blindfolded when he pops my cherry and not having control of myself during that time is rather frightening to me. He is very earnest about me allowing him to do it and he has been pressuring me for some time and I don't know if I want to go through with it but I certainly don't want to disappoint him either. Perhaps he knows what he's doing and I should just go through with it? What do you guys think?
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:08 PM   #2
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If you're uncomfortable don't do it. It is your decision and if you'd rather not lose your virginity that way then find someone who will listen to you that won't pressure you.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:20 PM   #3
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Pressure is not domination

It seems to me that you are at risk from a potentially selfish bully, no matter how gentlemanly he appears/appeared at first.

You really should have careful consideration about the implications and possible futures you create by surrendering in this way before you allow yourself to be used in this way.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:21 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderingslave View Post
I've always found myself attracted to the BDSM lifestyle and couldn't be more delighted when I started talking to this man who is a self professed Dom. He's very well mannered and respectful when we are in public but we've only so much as kissed when we are alone. He knows I'm not experienced romantically/sexually and is well aware of the reservations I have about losing my virginity (I was raised in a very conservative household and was unfortunately brainwashed to believe that my desire to be dominated and even sexually active is wrong) and letting him have full control of my body. The thing is I don't know if if I want to be bound, gagged, and blindfolded when he pops my cherry and not having control of myself during that time is rather frightening to me. He is very earnest about me allowing him to do it and he has been pressuring me for some time and I don't know if I want to go through with it but I certainly don't want to disappoint him either. Perhaps he knows what he's doing and I should just go through with it? What do you guys think?
Just because you are submissive does not mean you have to give in to everything. Your first time should not be a "session". Your "dom" does not sound like someone who is overly responsible shall we say

Most likely he's read the Christian Gray book on BDSM AKA sexual assault

Ditch him.

Seriously before you get hurt.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:33 PM   #5
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I talked to him about my hesitation towards going through with it and he said that feeling unsure is a "sub quality" and that as a Dom he can read me very well and that I will enjoy it. He sounds so confident in himself but at the same time I really don't feel safe relinquishing total control to him. How do I tell him this? Every time I try to explain that I'm just plain scared he brushes it off and says that he knows what's best.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:36 PM   #6
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""I really don't feel safe relinquishing total control to him.""

Enough said. If you do not feel it, do not do it.

That he brushes it off is such a huge red flag.

Politely thank him, and walk away.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:43 PM   #7
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Agreed. Definitely time to walk away.

I lost my virginity to a guy who pressured me into it, and that was really psychologically damaging for me for a good few years. I can't imagine what that would have been like if we'd introduced a BDSM aspect into it.

Seriously, get out of there. Like, not even just in terms of the BDSM side of things, get out of that relationship full stop. He sounds like a bit of a you-know-what and is no good for you.

The fact that you are posting about not being sure is a sign that you know that you shouldn't be doing it, please please listen to whatever it is that is telling you its wrong.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:45 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderingslave View Post
I talked to him about my hesitation towards going through with it and he said that feeling unsure is a "sub quality" and that as a Dom he can read me very well and that I will enjoy it. He sounds so confident in himself but at the same time I really don't feel safe relinquishing total control to him. How do I tell him this? Every time I try to explain that I'm just plain scared he brushes it off and says that he knows what's best.
These are warning signs! Big red flags! Being unsure isn't a "sub quality" it's human nature. Ugh, ditch this prick. He clearly doesn't have your best interest in mind.

He's doing nothing to reassure you and your uneasiness is proof enough you don't want to do this.

Your first time should be on your terms. I don't care if he THINKS he's a dom.

Be safe and don't settle because some asshole tells you he knows what he's doing. Read the forums for awhile and get as much info as you can. D/s comes in many different forms. Sub does not equal doormat.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:46 PM   #9
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nothing

The others have clearly expressed it better than I could have said. Run, run, run! Find someone that wants to please and cherish your gift.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:49 PM   #10
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The others have clearly expressed it better than I could have said. Run, run, run! Find someone that wants to please and cherish your gift.
That is very nicely put!
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:51 PM   #11
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Yeah, he's looking to fulfill his fantasy at your expense.
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Old 11-16-2013, 03:15 PM   #12
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"Feeling uncertain is a sub quality"

Utter nonsense.

There are a million-and-ten kinky and/ or introductory sexual experiences you can have (if you want to) between kissing & being bound and gagged whilst losing one's virginity. Why aren't any of those things an option? Why would you have to be in bondage the first time you have sex? What's the rush to go from zero (raised in a sex-negative environment), to a formal BDSM "scene" for your first sexual encounter. It makes no sense.
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Old 11-16-2013, 05:41 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderingslave View Post
I talked to him about my hesitation towards going through with it and he said that feeling unsure is a "sub quality" and that as a Dom he can read me very well and that I will enjoy it.
No. Doms are not telepathic and people are complex. Especially with somebody in your situation - a virgin with some religious baggage about sex - it is the height of hubris to assume that he can predict how you'll react to this situation. Quite likely the thought process is "well I really want to fuck a virgin, and you're a sub, so anything I want will be enjoyable for you, right?"

Quote:
He sounds so confident in himself
Confidence is pretty much unrelated to actual competence.

Quote:
but at the same time I really don't feel safe relinquishing total control to him. How do I tell him this? Every time I try to explain that I'm just plain scared he brushes it off and says that he knows what's best.
Go with your gut. It's not always right, but it's known you a lot longer and a lot closer than he has.

Being a dom doesn't mean I am smarter or more empathic than my partner. Even if they've been my lover for years, they still know their mind better than I do. If they express doubts about something it's my responsibility to back the hell off and give them space to decide without pressure.
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:57 PM   #14
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To everyone in the thread,
I've given it considerable thought and talked to a few Literotica users who have helped me in my decision, and I'm going to break things off with him. He obviously doesn't respect me enough to take my feelings into consideration and I don't need such carelessness involved in such a momentous occasion. Lovecraft68 suggested that I meet with him at a coffeeshop or something and tell him my goodbyes there, and that I should also bring a friend who can sit a few tables away to monitor everything and ensure he doesn't try anything stupid.
Thank you all for your concerns, I truly appreciate it.


p.s. how exactly should I word this adieu? How do I articulate that he's an asshat and I don't want to talk to him anymore without sounding like a prick?
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:17 PM   #15
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However you put it, when he realises that he's not going to get what he wants from you, he may try and cajole you past your qualms, and dismiss them. Don't let him cajole you. You deserve better.

I'd be inclined to keep it short and simple - 'I've been doing some thinking, and our relationship isn't working for me.'

If you tell him exactly why, he may try to argue his way out of it - in the same way that he told you your hesitance to lose your virginity exactly the way he wanted you to was a 'sub quality' and that 'Dom knows best'.
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:10 PM   #16
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great decision

Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderingslave View Post
To everyone in the thread,
I've given it considerable thought and talked to a few Literotica users who have helped me in my decision, and I'm going to break things off with him. He obviously doesn't respect me enough to take my feelings into consideration and I don't need such carelessness involved in such a momentous occasion. Lovecraft68 suggested that I meet with him at a coffeeshop or something and tell him my goodbyes there, and that I should also bring a friend who can sit a few tables away to monitor everything and ensure he doesn't try anything stupid.
Thank you all for your concerns, I truly appreciate it.


p.s. how exactly should I word this adieu? How do I articulate that he's an asshat and I don't want to talk to him anymore without sounding like a prick?
You don't owe him anything in my opinion let alone a face to face. He's a con man and likely a freaking psycho. Send him an email telling him you can read him better than he can read you and you have no desire to share anything with him. Then tell him his contact information goes on block and you'll call the cops of he contacts you.

You then should go find a guy or a gal that truly treasures you and would appreciate the gift of your virginity in a loving way.

Happy you've made such a good choice.
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Last edited by eye_see_me : 11-16-2013 at 10:13 PM.
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:39 PM   #17
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Okay, look-- Odds are very good that he's not a freaking psycho. Our culture, for some truly fucked up reasons, places an insane amount of value on a woman's first time, preferably if it can be accompanied by a spatter of blood. For some fool to fall in with the general concept is evidence of his connectedness, as such, not of any pathology.

In fact, let's talk about how important this virginity ought to be for a woman. She spends part of her life on one side of the fence and then one night she's found the sweet mystery of life and it damn well better be a perfect experience or else something is wrong... But that first fuck is only the first fuck. You can have as many fucks as you desire, going forward, and I guarantee you that some of them will be real good and some of them might be meh. It's just one of the many cooperative activities that humans indulge in.


Go get rid of the burden of "virginity," is my advice (which I know, you never asked for). Not tied up and blindfolded, but don't much worry about the perfect partner, either. Just find someone you can trust to keep a sense of fun and explore it with him-- or her, at that. THEN go play with BDSM. I would never "give" virginity to a self-professed Dom, he's far too likely to make a lot of further assumptions about what you owe him.
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:42 PM   #18
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However you put it, when he realises that he's not going to get what he wants from you, he may try and cajole you past your qualms, and dismiss them. Don't let him cajole you. You deserve better.

I'd be inclined to keep it short and simple - 'I've been doing some thinking, and our relationship isn't working for me.'

If you tell him exactly why, he may try to argue his way out of it - in the same way that he told you your hesitance to lose your virginity exactly the way he wanted you to was a 'sub quality' and that 'Dom knows best'.
Agreed 100%. If that needs a follow-up, something along the lines of "I've made my decision and I don't care to discuss it." You don't owe him an explanation and he wouldn't learn from it anyway. If he thinks you're a prick... his hurt feelings are not your problem.
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Old 11-16-2013, 11:05 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Okay, look-- Odds are very good that he's not a freaking psycho. Our culture, for some truly fucked up reasons, places an insane amount of value on a woman's first time, preferably if it can be accompanied by a spatter of blood. For some fool to fall in with the general concept is evidence of his connectedness, as such, not of any pathology.
Agreed, although I think it sometimes can signify a controlling personality. Some people like inexperienced partners because they have no point of comparison for what a healthy respectful relationship looks like, or because they're more likely to think "I gave up my virginity for this so I'd better make it last".

Quote:
But that first fuck is only the first fuck. You can have as many fucks as you desire, going forward, and I guarantee you that some of them will be real good and some of them might be meh. It's just one of the many cooperative activities that humans indulge in.
Yeah, this. The first time I had sex... it was nice, I guess? I knew it was going to happen about a month in advance, and I hyped myself up so much that looking back on it now, I can remember the hype but I don't remember much about the actual event.

Some of the other times were much more pleasurable and memorable, once I let go of "omg this is the turning point of my life" and moved on to "hey this could be really fun!"
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:46 AM   #20
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Special

It seems clear from her comments regarding her hesitation and her upbringing her virginity is special to her. I still say it is a gift she should not give up to a creep.
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:51 PM   #21
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It seems clear from her comments regarding her hesitation and her upbringing her virginity is special to her. I still say it is a gift she should not give up to a creep.
I totally agree with you.
Her virginity is special to her, and its value should not be diminished or ignored, but recognized and appreciated by the person to whom she gives it.
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Old 11-17-2013, 09:19 PM   #22
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It's not a question of diminishing the value of this nebulous thing, but lets not overvalue it. For instance; this Dom dude seems to value her virginity more than he values the person it's embodied in.

That's all too common. Women have been killed, historically, because they weren't virginal. It still happens.
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