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Old 11-25-2013, 07:39 PM   #426
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Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
Thanks. I do understand that you don't get what I'm saying about gay males of the macho end of the scale not being women with penises (and it's fine if you can't get it). Leaving a feeling of distance and "cold" in the reader's mind is precisely correct, I think, for most of the men I was writing about in "Harmony and Dissonance." Gay male attitudes at that end are distant, narcissistic, reserved--cold, in the eyes of emotion-driven people. Real GMs at that end of the spectrum are concentrated on their cocks and getting them hard and off--based on whatever fetish they have. Their motivations are to get it off with desirable A and move on to getting it off with even more desirable B, within the context of what gives them the maximum personal satisfaction--usually without much regard to whether the other party is getting enough satisfaction too. If the other guy wants more, that will be the sign he was satisfied. Whether Alpha One gives him more is based on what Alpha One wants.

Sorry, but I think that's authentic depiction of the lifestyle in that construct.

Lars wants to please Heinrich for some reason of his own. It isn't made clear whether it's for money or some sort of other reward. It isn't likely for affection, as Lars and Heinrich will both be self-centered Alpha Ones. Beyond getting Krit back to Heinrich however he can, he's all for serving his fetish. He fucks Amnad, Krit, and Somsri to fulfill his mission. He gets more fetish satisfaction in fucking the transvestite and the various servants complying to his needs. Amnad isn't enough for him; he immediately goes out to find blood sport and a fetish lay. Krit isn't enough for him in the boat storage area; he grabs a servant or two after Krit leaves. Somsri is just a means to an end.

Amnad's just delighted that he's found an Alpha One who knows exotic sexual positions and will at least pretend to give him what he wants in the context he wants it. If Lars gave him what really turns Lars on, that's an entirely different story, which could bring a change in Amnad in one way or another. In real life, he's likely to feel raped.

So, both of these--and the transvestite and servants--are, yes, doing the "cold" thing in sex. That's what these types do. I'm not a female author trying to make a GM into the perfect domestic partner.

It's Krit who is torn between two worlds and isn't cold about any of this. If Krit has come across as cold in this story, that's where I have failed to be authentic. If the others have come across detached and "cold," then what you are reading is a real GM story told by a real GM author targeted to a real GM audience. The targeted audiences reading this realm of GM will be looking for hot connections they can fantasize about in terms of their own narcissism. They won't be looking for an apron and a duster and a kissy face when the husband arrives at the door after work.

You are looking, I think, for something that wouldn't be an authentic story in this genre--while not catching the thread inside it that is emotion and internal-struggle based. Krit doesn't really want to be gay; he wants to substitute music for sex--he'd prefer to be sexless--but he can't, at least now. He is struggling with, but being overpowered by, the need to be dominated by an Alpha One. That's the whole reason he isn't in Germany with Heinrich now.

So, I guess my frustration is that I think I'm being dinged for writing an essential element of the genre.
...You misunderstand me. I'm not talking about the elements of your story being cold. I'm talking about the way it is written. What I mean is that I can tell none of what you wrote in this quoted post from how you actually wrote the words in it. The actual writing style. I see your intent of "cold" as I say with the way things played out in the story, and even with Alpha Male mechanics being very macho and emotionally detached.

I'm... trying to put this in a way that isn't offensive or anything like that. But to me (and this is just one reader's opinion) it just read like... flat. Like Alan Rickman was reading me the events of a baseball game. Like I was simply being told what was happening in the story along the way never actually stepping in to see it for myself.

I understand what you were doing within the GM genre. And I didn't expect the lovely things from the genre, as that's kinda stereotypical to assume, I can agree with you there. That's like assuming that all girls are good and you can't find a good trashy one to go down on you just because you two were acquaintances and were in the same time. That's an example (sadly an actual one) of cold, kind of "whorish" straight sex that can still be pretty erotic.

Harmony and Dissonance was kind of a "script" to me where I usually enjoy a "painting" or "moving picture". There was a lot of telling what was happening when I wanted to be kind of in the middle of the tension that was there. And I did catch a bit of that thread inside. When I reached the end, I looked back at the title and for a few seconds I nodded like "yeah I see how all the pieces fit"

Ah, but that may just be my taste in style is all. That's why there's all walks. Different boats and all that. So don't take any offense yo anything I've said. Merely discussing the "ins and outs" if you will. The more I pry into an author's head, the more I learn everyday. Just a great opportunity for that with FAWC. I've expressed a few negative views of the story, but know that I don't hate it or anything. It shined for me in other aspects. Especially the overall theme found right in the title.

If I hated it, I just would have commented, "you sux stupid piece shit, hope you die form getting fucked you sick shit yeah real good sorry you shit fucker."

...or something like that....
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:42 PM   #427
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...You misunderstand me. I'm not talking about the elements of your story being cold. I'm talking about the way it is written. What I mean is that I can tell none of what you wrote in this quoted post from how you actually wrote the words in it. The actual writing style. I see your intent of "cold" as I say with the way things played out in the story, and even with Alpha Male mechanics being very macho and emotionally detached.
Ummm. The technique of writing is a device for setting the mood. So, I don't understand the differentiation you are making in the writing style of it and the mood it sets. The distancing of the narration sets the mood for the distancing of the characters. I suspect you wanted me to get more into the heads of the characters. If I did that, it would either cross the line into no longer being authentic to this set of characters or you'd still be unhappy, because you'd find that Lars was thinking only of getting his dick in this guy or that and getting Krit on a flight back to Germany, Amnad would be thinking of how the design of this sexual position related to a lotus pond he was painting on a stage backdrop, and Krit would give the reader overkill, because his emotions already were painted on his sleeve. Maybe we should just settle that I'm writing for folks with a different mind-set than you have.

I'm not suggesting that you hate it or dismiss it--you weren't the one who called it crap, as I remember. I'm suggesting that you don't have the mind-set to understand it--and that there's no particular reason from me to write it so that you understand the mind-set of it because then I wouldn't be writing to an authentic audience for it.
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:52 PM   #428
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On Harmony and Dissonance....

...
The bulk of the story just didn't move me much in one way or another. You having explained about GM stories and their categorizations of character types was indeed apparent in the story, but for me had little to do with why I didn't necessarily enjoy it.
....
I am with Pilot on this. He gets pinged for writing GM in a proper macho GM way. The characters are complex, and the writing is much different to a lot of writing on here which tends to the romantic.

Lars is a cold fucker, he doesn't want to get emotionally involved at all. That the story is told from his POV makes it seem like a cold story but on the surface of his vision we get the flickers of such intense emotional interactions that it's almost as if we could only bear to see them reflected in this pale way.

Somsri's terror and lust combined were a story in themselves. She was such a delicate yet strong character, beautiful, a lovely soprano singing voice, and married to someone who has no physical interest in her yet they are clearly closely emotionally attached.

Heinrich - whose passion for Krit is complicated. He obviously isn't a rough fucker himself, cuz he sent Lars to do the dirty. Possibly he vicariously enjoys the rough fucking of Krit by whoever Krit enjoys taking physically but not emotionally. His love for Krit is perhaps as removed from sex as Somsri's, yet they are passionately entwined.

Moving beyond the heteronormative means getting into a world where sex means something very different, so the bonds of emotional attachment are different too.

I was reminded of Death in Venice, the jewel-like quality of the story-telling, that superficial cold surface narrative with underneath it something very powerful moving fast through the waters. I would really like to see this story with a polish. You could lose the ladyboy, that's just local colour (no pun intended!). Lars is like Fleming's James Bond, again cold clinical stories, but there's more going on in this story than in 007's sado-masochistic tussles with Russian goons. For example, Krit needing to marry, that hetero cover is so much more important to people from Asian cultures.
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:55 PM   #429
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Maybe we should just settle that I'm writing for folks with a different mind-set than you have.

I'm not suggesting that you hate it or dismiss it--you weren't the one who called it crap, as I remember. I'm suggesting that you don't have the mind-set to understand it--and that there's no particular reason from me to write it so that you understand the mind-set of it because then I wouldn't be writing to an authentic audience for it.
Oh you guys wrote some more about this while I was drafting my post.

I think that's right - you have to be of a particular mind-set to get beyond thinking this is an emotionless story, just a script.
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:57 PM   #430
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The Green Flash

Hmmm, tricky one. I dislike incest stories and the title had me hoping for a Pirates of the Caribbean sort of story, since I adore Pirates (wink).

MSTarot’s was my favourite story in the last FAWC, and this one is also written to that very high standard. This is a good story as well as a hot piece of erotica; I can’t comment on the incestuous appeal cuz I never normally read those stories and I have never quite been sure what people who like them enjoy about them.

The story does need a simple edit to pick up spelling errors.

The background was excellently well depicted. Characterisation is patchy. Eazier and Sori are well sketched secondary characters, very likeable. Corbin the B actor and Patricia – beautiful but flawed by her insecurities and by having experienced this dreadful tragedy at such a young age, are really appealing. A lot more could be made out of their illicit liaison. The way in which the tragedy in their life pulls them close together is delicately hinted at as rationale for the incest.

The problem is the mother. There isn’t sufficient back story for us to sympathise with her and her actions are at odds with the rest of the people in the story. It isn’t believable – even if it is realistic – that a mother who suddenly discovered her children are alive, would behave in such a way. A father might be more convincing, BTW. (I mean in literary terms, I’m not talking about real life.) Also, why didn’t they look for each other? How can they be Americans, foreigners on the island, and not have been put back in touch by their embassy/government? There would have been legal issues – the property of the father and insurance on his death to claim. Blah blah blah boring realism, LOL, when you just need a crisis to justify the sexy siblings tumbling into bed together.

Could they not have gone back to the island in an attempt to lay Patricia’s neurosis (<snerk>)? But it doesn’t work, she gets more racked up and the fact that she’s always found her handsome brother sexually attractive pops out the closet under the pressure.

I would also not have Sori sympathise with Patricia and advise her to seduce her brother. A – very unlikely! B – it makes it a hotter story, one supposes, for the incest fans, if the whole thing is very ba-ad and taboo.

The green flash is of course the soul come back from the dead. Whose soul? The mother’s? Or Patricia’s. That could probably be worked up some more, in the way Dissonance and Harmony is made more explicit in that story.

Some great writing. Intense emotion. And hot sex scenes.
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:59 PM   #431
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The Soul Eaters

Well! this one is even more hard to comment on. I think it’s still at quite an early stage of writing, and I hesitate to comment and overly influence how it’s going to develop.

Hmmm.

Well, I understand the use of conjunctives at the start of sentences – to create a sense that this is a mythical tale, a religious text not a story. I think you can dump those, it’s a bit over-done. Auerbach’s famous critical study Mimesis starts with an analysis of a passage from Homer’s Odyssey and the bit of the Bible where God tells somebody to take his son out in the desert and sacrifice his only son. (Abraham would that be? Sorry, bad Buddhist coming through, LOL. Those Christian patriarchs all look the same to me.) Auerbach points to the way that Homer’s writing is rich in descriptive passages. He will tell stories within stories. So-and-so is carrying the shield on which is depicted Hercules undertaking one of his tasks, lo-ong account of the task depicted on the shield. The Bible is short and sharp. God said: Do this. And Abraham did it. There isn’t any spare fat of description or how people felt about anything. It just happens. That makes it more convincing; it’s so lean that it seems as if that is how it must actually have been.

In your story you have a hint of both. There is a Classical mythological richness of description, vivid colours and blood-thirsty emotions, and a spare lean prose style: they did this. That was how it happened. No long rationale, no in-depth exploration of how they might be feeling about it. They are just like that.

The premise of daemons who suck the hope, the soul out of people while they are enjoying wild sexuality is great. I hope you go back and work at this and bring out what it is you are telling us about that, although it’s looking like a bleak outlook for humanity at this stage in the story-telling.

The use of the picture was excellent, although it took quite a while to appear and I was starting to wonder if you’d cheated and just written about the mural instead. Again, because the story is at an early stage there are some rough sketchy passages where you’re figuring things out: Oh, BTW, they got more powerful and so they were able to make themselves in contemporary clothes, like a red bikini, as in the picture. All that kind of ‘business’ scaffolding can be stripped away once you have got the story further along and are editing it seriously.

The other-worldliness of the creatures is so well done. These are not just humans with a bit of red and black netting wrapped round them. These are inhuman beings with other ways of feeding and sexually pleasing themselves and each other. They are curiously sympathetic characters, we kinda like them like we kinda like Count Dracula and Frankenstein. On the one hand, that’s where the psychological richness of the story will come from. This won’t be an easy story, we won’t be chanting “Kill them! Kill them!” and single-mindedly waving our pitchforks about. We will be obliged to explore dark corners of our own souls, probably – hopefully!

*Rubs little hands eagerly at prospect of the full edited version.*

(You might enjoy reading John Buchan’s The Dancing Floor.)
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:00 PM   #432
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Wallpaper

Lively, funny and human story. It was great how you gave us the hot sex scenes, positioned (ho ho) in normal life. Yes! sex is normal! and ordinary life happens around it.

Fantastic characterisation. These people totally walked off the page arguing and bitching at each other - and being family. That moment when he says he doesn’t want the baby born with cum on its head! That was so hilarious and just ... that kind of guy. The bossy mom who knows best for everyone, she was great.

Use of the picture was excellent – especially that moment when Deanna threw the phone against the wall and smashed it, LOL.

I also liked that the sex was so varied, lots of different kinds of ways in which people enjoyed themselves.

I’m not saying much about this story cuz there’s nothing wrong with it – it’s a winner.

(BTW, not only have I lived in Thailand, I have had a baby! so I can tell anyone who was wondering after that story that the pain is kind of a different pain. You go into a different head space and so you don’t experience the pain the same way you do, say, a sporting injury. Je-esus H, I will still wince when I think about the moment I tore all the ligaments in my knee, that was fucking horrible.)
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:02 PM   #433
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Ummm. The technique of writing is a device for setting the mood. So, I don't understand the differentiation you are making in the writing style of it and the mood it sets. The distancing of the narration sets the mood for the distancing of the characters. Maybe we should just settle that I'm writing for folks with a different mind-set than you have.

I'm not suggesting that you hate it or dismiss it--you weren't the one who called it crap, as I remember. I'm suggesting that you don't have the mind-set to understand it--and that there's no particular reason from me to write it so that you understand the mind-set of it because then I wouldn't be writing to an authentic audience for it.
Right. In other words, different boats and stuff.

And yes I guess if the intent was to put distance there you accomplished that. And that bit was cleared up here. My mistake upon initial comment was thinking that wasn't the intent.

It's not my intent to tell you how it should be written only to provide input on how it impacted me upon reading it. If that was your design and it wasn't my cup of tea, that's fine. That's just a matter of taste. But I wouldn't set those particular expectations that many would understand its intention if something is written to cater to a specific audience.

Your complex sentences do give you away. You do this thing-and I'm only doing so to demonstrate what I'm talking about, its this very thing here- that gives you away sometimes, and often points to your complex writing style.

Kinda like Naoko said. Its not really a run on, but its a lot to take in. GM ain't what gave you away on that story.
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:02 PM   #434
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Wave!

Excellent characterisation, as evidenced by all the grumpy comments about what a bitch Jan is, LOL. The story starts well; it rings true about her whining so much about the wedding. Weddings are hideous stressful occasions for those most closely involved. Most wonderful day of your life, almost certainly not. The expectation that it ought to be perfect is enough to make it a downer.

I kept waiting for them to shout about the tsunami which spoilt the sex a bit – although it was good hot sex. The account of the tsunami was really well done; especially the awful older couple enjoying it through their cameras: we’ll be on tv – yeah, as corpses. Gosh, I didn’t even take pictures of my kitten in the washing machine! and she had to wait there for two minutes while the door release kicked in, before I managed to lever the door open (boo hoo, I broke a fingernail). Ugh, what an idea.

Jan and Jomo wanting to rush into sex was perfectly believable, and I was like, Awwww! cuz she realised she still wanted to be true to Tim even though she thought he must be dead.

The ending was too abrupt, perhaps because you were cramming the story in for the competition deadline. What, he’s seriously going to say: “let’s get on with our honeymoon now,” after they’ve been through all that? I’m wondering if you can build the story more, make something more out of it. After such a great account of a traumatic survival, I expected more of an epiphany. Maybe she had always been a selfish cow, and now she realises she wants to help the islanders rebuild. You could sketch in a scene in which she’s dismissive of the people on the island, their poverty, just seeing Jomo as a hunk to fuck, now she sees them as much more diverse human beings, people with family who may or may not have survived, whom they are wondering how they will support without the tourist business or the hotels which have been razed to the ground, etc. (Just a thought.) That would give you scope for a second, more tender sex scene too – some time after the couple have been working and helping rebuild. “Look at all we have achieved, you are such a special person, Jan, to have done all this.” “No, no, I am a selfish cow; you have always been special. You saved that family on the beach while I just ran for the rooftop to get myself pictured on tv.” “I love you.” “ I love you.” “No I love you more.” Blah blah blah, add sex.

Or maybe she did have sex with Jomo and she’s guilt-stricken when she realises Tim is alive. She tries really hard to make it up to him by being perfect but he hates it, he liked her as the real Jan, who was sexy and a bit bitchy, not this horrid angelic perfect wifey type, then finally she has to tell him what happened but he’s like: “I love you how you are, slut. Now fuck me to Christmas!” You could fit in lots of hot sex in a storyline like that, LOL. And you can publish it in Loving Wives and they will crucify you extra cuz Jomo is of a darker skin persuasion. How can you resist? ROFLMAO!

Good vivid writing; I really felt like I was there. Couldn’t put it down, er, switch it off I mean. Gosh, is that the time?
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:07 PM   #435
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Phew, well I guess I could go now and look and see who wrote which story!

I knew you'd written Fly Me! too, LOL, Pilot. Not because it was about flying; because of the hard-edged characters. Tenley was so your kind of man, LOL. Except he wasn't German, tee hee.

(BTW, us laydies avoid vivid description of long painted fingernails if we are describing finger fun with each others' pussies It kind of makes us go: "ooh! ouch." LOL.)
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:08 PM   #436
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Kinda like Naoko said. Its not really a run on, but its a lot to take in. GM ain't what gave you away on that story.
Nope. It was the "lie beneath men" that did it for me. Of course, I had read other stories to compare it to.
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:27 PM   #437
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*Nevermind*
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:47 PM   #438
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The ending was too abrupt, perhaps because you were cramming the story in for the competition deadline. What, he’s seriously going to say: “let’s get on with our honeymoon now,” after
This too is mine. Thanks for the detailed look at it. Guilty as charged on the ending, but it had nothing to do with competition deadlines--I submitted early. I think it had to do with not wanting the story to get saccharine and not being able to think of a way to prevent that if I kept writing. In truth, maybe the ending was where they saw each other and realized that each was alive. But if I did that, the Literotica reader comments would be "where is the rest of the story"? I'm just not good at forcing the sugar-sweet endings the Literotica readers want, I guess.

I think my editor saved me on this one--from being charged with "distant" writing again. Originally the scene in the tree after the tsunami was much shorter. I didn't have the rescuers in there yet at all. I thank my editor for complaining about that, because I now love the image of the world going on around her and her not being able to reach it--and the profound silence in the wake of tragedy--the transition of the story from tranquil beach resort to chaos to silence. I also didn't originally have a good way for Jomo to notice her in the tree. I added the disruption of the birds while writing to my editor's objections.

I laughed at the comments that Jan's moods from the wedding to the honeymoon weren't believable. This was my daughter-in-law in spades. Sweet as pie during the courting, a real bitch at the wedding over stuff that didn't matter (I still want to slap her silly over the tantrum she threw and the language that came out of her because some of the flowers weren't the right shade of blue), and no need for sweetness once she had the marriage pinned down. I think I actually painted the "before" Jan with light colors.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:16 AM   #439
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This too is mine. Thanks for the detailed look at it.
Aha! well, you might actually write the ending I have gifted you, where she has sex with Jomu and is guilt-stricken by it. I think that would make a really special Loving Wife story and all the Anonymice will totally go for it.

I thought the characterisation was great! I'm sure some women are that horrible about their weddings. Maybe this kind of stuff is why I never managed to waste time, er ... I mean devote energy, to picking out a white dress I go spare about if anyone comes near it with something which might stain it (mmm ... is that a box of Godiva chocolates in your hand or am I just pleased to see you?) even though I have no intention of ever putting the uncomfortable thing on again.

The rescue scene was very good. I liked all the first half of the story and you managed the sweetness well, I only hurled a little bit when Tim ran back to rescue the family whose dad had a broken leg.
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Old 11-26-2013, 03:57 AM   #440
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I only hurled a little bit when Tim ran back to rescue the family whose dad had a broken leg.
Had to send him off to do something noble to get him off stage.
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:24 AM   #441
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Had to send him off to do something noble to get him off stage.
It gave you a chance to show Jan off well too. I liked how instead of saying: "No no, my love, I will not leave you!" she selfishly legged it for the jeep, then was drawn off by the camera couple.

She was great. Loving Wives will love to hate her. If you don't let her screw Jomo it will be a real waste. Oh, I was writing Jomu there, sort of amalgam of Jonah Lomu, sigh. That is a pair of thighs worth writing about . (Although I believe he is a nice faithful Christian boy who wouldn't stray from his wife.)
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Old 11-26-2013, 12:26 PM   #442
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Naoko! Thank you for that introspective critique of my story! I wrote The Soul Eaters, of course. I have a feeling you guessed it. How did you know it was mine?

You are right that it is a pretty rough draft. I might not have even submitted it, except that I was so eager to get into a FAWC contest, since I had tried and not finished 2 other times!

The second half is really rushed, obviously. I do plan on rewriting/finishing it properly, with full scenes through different years of how Kalika and Rudra get gradually stronger through the years, the post card changes with the times, as does the circumstances of the people who find the card, or who the card finds, those people so full of desperate hope that Kalika and Rudra are able to escape the postcard and feed.

You're right that it is not a happy tale! The consequence of never giving up hope in the face of darkness? A really good romp and then a lifetime of nothingness. Hmmm ...

"The other-worldliness of the creatures is so well done. These are not just humans with a bit of red and black netting wrapped round them. These are inhuman beings with other ways of feeding and sexually pleasing themselves and each other. They are curiously sympathetic characters, we kinda like them like we kinda like Count Dracula and Frankenstein. On the one hand, that’s where the psychological richness of the story will come from. This won’t be an easy story, we won’t be chanting “Kill them! Kill them!” and single-mindedly waving our pitchforks about. We will be obliged to explore dark corners of our own souls, probably – hopefully! "

Thank you for this! It shows that, as rough as this story is, what I'm trying to convey is coming through just a bit. I do want you to kind of root for Kalika and Rudra. They may be awful, soul sucking demi-gods, but they are honest, and they will not lie to you about their intentions. They are not tricksters like the Norse God Loki. Kalika tells the business man straight up who she is, and doesn't even let the soldier get away with calling her Esmeralda.

I'm still not sure how to end the story, when it's finished. I like the idea that they become full of hope, like their prey, but how does that affect them?

Or do they gain the power they need to be free of the picture and are loosed again upon the world?

It was a fun story to start to write. I wanted to write it in that voice, that mythological tone. If I had noticed, I would not have started so many paragraphs with "And" or "But".

I found it was a hard voice to keep up throughout the story, but that was a nice challenge.

I think I said before, that I definitely should have started with a modern scene of Kalika and Rudra escaping the postcard and wreaking havoc, and then go back to the beginning to tell the story of who they are. That would have started the story off with a good sex scene, and gotten to the use of the photograph as a postcard right away.

This is one I'm definitely looking forward to redoing and seeing how it does as a general Lit story. I still don't know if it will do that well with the readers, but I will enjoy writing it!
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Old 11-26-2013, 01:08 PM   #443
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Naoko! Thank you for that introspective critique of my story! I wrote The Soul Eaters, of course. I have a feeling you guessed it. How did you know it was mine?

You are right that it is a pretty rough draft. I might not have even submitted it, except that I was so eager to get into a FAWC contest, since I had tried and not finished 2 other times!

The second half is really rushed, obviously. I do plan on rewriting/finishing it properly, with full scenes through different years of how Kalika and Rudra get gradually stronger through the years, the post card changes with the times, as does the circumstances of the people who find the card, or who the card finds, those people so full of desperate hope that Kalika and Rudra are able to escape the postcard and feed.

You're right that it is not a happy tale! The consequence of never giving up hope in the face of darkness? A really good romp and then a lifetime of nothingness. Hmmm ...

"The other-worldliness of the creatures is so well done. These are not just humans with a bit of red and black netting wrapped round them. These are inhuman beings with other ways of feeding and sexually pleasing themselves and each other. They are curiously sympathetic characters, we kinda like them like we kinda like Count Dracula and Frankenstein. On the one hand, that’s where the psychological richness of the story will come from. This won’t be an easy story, we won’t be chanting “Kill them! Kill them!” and single-mindedly waving our pitchforks about. We will be obliged to explore dark corners of our own souls, probably – hopefully! "

Thank you for this! It shows that, as rough as this story is, what I'm trying to convey is coming through just a bit. I do want you to kind of root for Kalika and Rudra. They may be awful, soul sucking demi-gods, but they are honest, and they will not lie to you about their intentions. They are not tricksters like the Norse God Loki. Kalika tells the business man straight up who she is, and doesn't even let the soldier get away with calling her Esmeralda.

I'm still not sure how to end the story, when it's finished. I like the idea that they become full of hope, like their prey, but how does that affect them?

Or do they gain the power they need to be free of the picture and are loosed again upon the world?

It was a fun story to start to write. I wanted to write it in that voice, that mythological tone. If I had noticed, I would not have started so many paragraphs with "And" or "But".

I found it was a hard voice to keep up throughout the story, but that was a nice challenge.

I think I said before, that I definitely should have started with a modern scene of Kalika and Rudra escaping the postcard and wreaking havoc, and then go back to the beginning to tell the story of who they are. That would have started the story off with a good sex scene, and gotten to the use of the photograph as a postcard right away.

This is one I'm definitely looking forward to redoing and seeing how it does as a general Lit story. I still don't know if it will do that well with the readers, but I will enjoy writing it!
You certainly did well maintaining that "voice" throughout the story. It really did read like an old myth or campfire story, as told by a wise sage passing down the tale by word of mouth. I agree that it almost held kind of a "biblical" style of writing, which at first was kind of off putting but given how well you spun the tale it really really worked.

Gosh for some reason I can't get Rudra out of my head. It wasn't a particularly vivid scene, but I could like, hear him laughing in the dark.

On that I do have a question. I added a comment about the use of the picture, about how I connected a use of symbolism to the picture. Specifically, how you had Kalika as the more active of the two and how Rudra seemed to be the one sitting idly in the shadows, watching her in her toils. Was this an intentional use of symbolism you crafted from the two people in the pic? The woman in the water and the man sitting idly by? I know that the use of Kalika kicking water and Rudra sitting on the bench was drawn from that picture, and evolved over the ages to resemble our exact beach scene, but did you draw from that and build their personalities from that scene? Kalika toiling and playing and Rudra the patient observer?

If so, I think that's pretty ingenious really. Of all the ways the pic was utilized, to draw that much from that scene and inject it into something that creative and unique was awesome. Great story either way. I'm not sure I can say your use of that pic was say, the best? But I think it was my favorite.
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Old 11-26-2013, 01:29 PM   #444
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You certainly did well maintaining that "voice" throughout the story. It really did read like an old myth or campfire story, as told by a wise sage passing down the tale by word of mouth. I agree that it almost held kind of a "biblical" style of writing, which at first was kind of off putting but given how well you spun the tale it really really worked.

Gosh for some reason I can't get Rudra out of my head. It wasn't a particularly vivid scene, but I could like, hear him laughing in the dark.

On that I do have a question. I added a comment about the use of the picture, about how I connected a use of symbolism to the picture. Specifically, how you had Kalika as the more active of the two and how Rudra seemed to be the one sitting idly in the shadows, watching her in her toils. Was this an intentional use of symbolism you crafted from the two people in the pic? The woman in the water and the man sitting idly by? I know that the use of Kalika kicking water and Rudra sitting on the bench was drawn from that picture, and evolved over the ages to resemble our exact beach scene, but did you draw from that and build their personalities from that scene? Kalika toiling and playing and Rudra the patient observer?

If so, I think that's pretty ingenious really. Of all the ways the pic was utilized, to draw that much from that scene and inject it into something that creative and unique was awesome. Great story either way. I'm not sure I can say your use of that pic was say, the best? But I think it was my favorite.

Thanks, Second Circle! I really did appreciate the comments you left for my story, all the stories, really.

I did use the poses of the people in the photo as inspiration for the personalities of Kalika and Rudra. In Tx's photo, why was the man just sitting? And the woman swimming? What was their story? Honestly, I was trying to infuse some personality into what I thought was kind of a boring photograph. So I used this idea not only for the positions they were in when they got trapped in the mural, but how they comport themselves in the world. I wanted to give the impression that Rudra is more practical than Kalika, she is fierce and full of fire, and has her preferences of which souls she prefers --- the starving artists. Many of whom are the ones who coax them out of the postcard. Rudra is amused by her antics, but doesn't understand why she should prefer one over the other. He is just as powerful and devastating as she is, but he likes to let her have her way because it amuses him to watch her. And ... he likes to watch.
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:06 AM   #445
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Thanks, Second Circle! I really did appreciate the comments you left for my story, all the stories, really.

I did use the poses of the people in the photo as inspiration for the personalities of Kalika and Rudra. In Tx's photo, why was the man just sitting? And the woman swimming? What was their story? Honestly, I was trying to infuse some personality into what I thought was kind of a boring photograph. So I used this idea not only for the positions they were in when they got trapped in the mural, but how they comport themselves in the world. I wanted to give the impression that Rudra is more practical than Kalika, she is fierce and full of fire, and has her preferences of which souls she prefers --- the starving artists. Many of whom are the ones who coax them out of the postcard. Rudra is amused by her antics, but doesn't understand why she should prefer one over the other. He is just as powerful and devastating as she is, but he likes to let her have her way because it amuses him to watch her. And ... he likes to watch.
Second Circle is right, this was probably the most thorough incorporation of the picture into a story. This inspired inspiration of yours, so inventive, is part of what made me know this was your story.

You write with such vivid imagination and intense emotion. I love it that when you write other-worldly beings they are so different. I once read a story about a woman lucky enough to be abducted by aliens seeking her cum as fuel to power the universe (<snerk>). It was a great premise (although I was shocked to find the alien not using a condom of course) but I was really disappointed that the only thing different about the alien was that he had a 10" wonger. I mean the whole of the multiverse and all you can offer is 3 ... oh, pardon me, must stop playing with the big boys , 4 additional inches?

I think the idea of a modern-day scene to which this can be written up as back story is a great one.

You're exploring some deep themes of humanism here, and I like that too. There is lots going on in this story about who we are as human beings, can we hope in what is sometimes a bleak and mean world? You don't know yourself what conclusion you will come to about that, it will be fascinating to read along and find out what you're thinking about that.
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Old 11-27-2013, 12:08 PM   #446
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The FAWC 3 stories have been moved into the general story file, listed under the author's name, now. Just moved, I think, not relisted on the New list.
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:39 PM   #447
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MistressLynn: The FAWC stories have been moved to the individual author files, but they still have FAWCKer identified as the author and not the true author. Any way to get that fixed?

And a wrapup thanks to you and Slyc for setting this up and carrying through with it.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:04 PM   #448
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MistressLynn: The FAWC stories have been moved to the individual author files, but they still have FAWCKer identified as the author and not the true author. Any way to get that fixed?

And a wrapup thanks to you and Slyc for setting this up and carrying through with it.
I appreciate the heads up. I sent another message to Laurel asking to fix it.

Thanks to everyone who participated, both in the challenge and with the discussions. I look forward to FAWC4, whenever that happens.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:51 PM   #449
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I appreciate the heads up. I sent another message to Laurel asking to fix it.

Thanks to everyone who participated, both in the challenge and with the discussions. I look forward to FAWC4, whenever that happens.
After the holidays perhaps? Might give everyone a chance to wind down and relax, what with the insanity that can go on during the season.
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Old 11-28-2013, 09:25 AM   #450
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The problem is the mother. There isn’t sufficient back story for us to sympathise with her and her actions are at odds with the rest of the people in the story. It isn’t believable – even if it is realistic – that a mother who suddenly discovered her children are alive, would behave in such a way. A father might be more convincing, BTW. (I mean in literary terms, I’m not talking about real life.) Also, why didn’t they look for each other? How can they be Americans, foreigners on the island, and not have been put back in touch by their embassy/government? There would have been legal issues – the property of the father and insurance on his death to claim. Blah blah blah boring realism, LOL, when you just need a crisis to justify the sexy siblings tumbling into bed together.


I would also not have Sori sympathise with Patricia and advise her to seduce her brother. A – very unlikely! B – it makes it a hotter story, one supposes, for the incest fans, if the whole thing is very ba-ad and taboo.

The green flash is of course the soul come back from the dead. Whose soul? The mother’s? Or Patricia’s. That could probably be worked up some more, in the way Dissonance and Harmony is made more explicit in that story.

Some great writing. Intense emotion. And hot sex scenes.

Thank you Naoko.

This story is the unfortunate victim of being rushed.

( A classic example of that would be the names Sori and Eazier. Sorry and easier.)

When I got back from being out of state the picture was just posted, then two days later I had to leave again. I wrote the story at night in the hotel I'm staying in (on pen and paper) doing a bit of story shuffling and character rearranging all the while. Then when I got home I typed it up on early Saturday morning.

I had to do a quick edit then post it and get back to all the other things I had to do before leaving out again. I hate to write like that but it's a challenge in and of itself.

I took the picture and blew it up looking for details to add to the story that's when I saw the woman in the back ground. Then I did some image researching to find where that picture came from. When i found that out the whole, kids were involved in the tsunami and lost their parents story just dropped into place.

The mother has a back story. It was given when their step father was talking to them in the restaurant while the mother was on the beach. I had to cut most of it when I edited it. It just seemed to long and out of place for him to be telling it with his wife crying her eyes out all alone down by the surf.

I had hoped to place it back into the story in the letter but it still didn't seem 'right' there. If I had more time I would have broken it maybe into two pieces and juggled it in... somewhere.

My take on incest is that if there is love... real passionate love, then the taboo part of it should not really matter. That conviction comes from my own past, I fell in love with a cousin of mine.

(She was on the tale end of a very bad marriage, nearly homeless, with two infant kids. I felt so strongly a need to be there for her that it grew to maybe more than it was. Nothing ever came of it, I never even told her how I was feeling. The thing is if that 'taboo' didn't exist she and I might be married.)

I play out a lot of those 'what if' scenarios in my story lines.

Anyway back to the story in question. Sori told Patrica that because she herself had had such feelings, for her own brother, when she was younger (before she met her husband) something that I had planned to bring out in a scene that I also cut.

The green flash... I meant it to be the moment when each of them accepted what life had brought them. She saw it when she was at mental peace for the first time in a long time. A calm because she was accepting what she was growing to feel for her brother. He saw it at the same kind of point in his life and mind set.

When I did my final story edit I saw all the questions I was leaving unanswered and decided that I kind of liked it that way. I, by that point, kind of wanted the people that read to the story to be asking the very questions I got in comments.

To maybe be putting their own take on just 'why'. Why the Mom was not the Mom anymore? What had happened to bring her to that point?

Again it's a story I kind of wish I had more time to play around with but I'll let it stand on it's own for what it is.

Again thank you Naoko and thank the rest of you that left comments on what I have to say isn't a bad story but not my best work.

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