I don't read stories this long unless they really grip me, which yours doesn't--personally.
That said, it's well written (I read the first page), you get to sex (sex being more than fucking) quite soon enough (sort of too soon for me for believability--story isn't what you seem to be going for here), and I think there will be a good audience for this here. The writing is good and the images for the audience you probably will get are very good.
For me, it's shallow and sounds young (by and for those who think with their dicks) and jumps into the juvenile fantasy too quickly to be believable as a serious story--especially one that's going to go on for four pages.
But I think it's very good as a first effort and that you have a reading audience here for it. So, I certainly recommend it for those who are looking for what I've noted.
Published at eXcessica, BarbarianSpy
, and Cyberworld Publishing
under the names habu
and Dirk Hessian
From 4-star 1 May 2011 review by Examiner.com’s Acquanetta Ferguson of menage novella Dark Primeval
: There is also something to be said for a man who writes erotica. Some don’t get it and write porn, but Habu gets what erotica is all about and the story comes off as a powerful read.
For illustrated GM stories, see stories under my habu author name at http://www.barbarianspy.com
Also, coauthoring as Shabbu
and Stephen Kessel
From the 4 1/2-Star August Rainbow Review on I Met a Man
: . . . a thoroughly wonderful reading experience for me. I look forward to reading more from the writing collaboration of habu and Sabb, who I believe make an important contribution to gay literature.
Last edited by sr71plt : 10-18-2013 at 12:41 PM.