How to address unfulfilled desires within an otherwise happy relationship

I hope that I'm posting in the right area for this question! I'm seeking advice and support on how to cope with an unfulfilled desire in the realm of BDSM which is the sticking point in an otherwise successful long-term relationship. I'd be grateful to hear from anyone with any constructive ideas.

I've been married to my wife for nearly twenty years. We're happy together in almost all respects, but I've been constantly troubled by an area of sexual incompatibility that is now becoming a major frustration.

In some ways, I think our story is a cautionary tale about the "no sex before marriage" dogma. Neither my wife nor I had any experience before we were married, and no idea of what our respective tastes might be. I think we were lucky to find ourselves mostly compatible for so long, but I've always been aware that something has been missing for me.

I get excited by the thought of control play involving light bondage -- for example, restraining and blindfolding my wife, and then pleasuring her caringly with touch and toys in order to direct her under my control through repeated orgasms. I'm not interested in anything even vaguely extreme or violent, apart from a bit of playful spanking. My wife, though, has never seemed at all keen on this. She doesn't appear to find the idea offensive, but she shows no interest and gives me a firm "no" if I make any moves in this direction. I don't wish to pressurise her, so I haven't been pushing the point, and I've only mentioned it occasionally to her after a long run of "vanilla" sex (which appears to satisfy her but not me). Apart from a few ambiguous moments, my wife has remained resolutely uninterested.

Last night, I tried an experiment to try to determine whether my wife's apparent lack of interest was genuine or due to suppression of an underlying desire. I asked her to relax on the couch while I read to her a story about dominance/control play. I chose this one, as I felt that it was a well-written story and a positive expression of the point of view of a female sub, as well as describing the sort of activity that I'd like to carry out:

http://www.literotica.com/s/dominating-vanessa

I also suggested to my wife that she utilised her clit vibrator on a low setting while I was reading the story, with the option of turning it up if she felt the urge. She was happy to do this openly.

I read out the story to my wife from start to end, and I gave it my all, taking it slowly and putting my heart into the expression, whilst also picking up the pace at suitable moments. Disappointingly, my wife didn't show *any* obvious reactions, despite my efforts to emphasise the parts that I thought were hot -- she remained still and kept the vibe on its low setting throughout.

After I finished the story, I asked my wife how she was feeling and she replied "relaxed". I asked whether she had liked any aspects of the story, and she gave a non-committal response, saying that she had just enjoyed hearing the sound of my voice. When I pressed her further, she said that the story hadn't really got her going, although she didn't seem offended by it. My wife wondered aloud whether it might have worked better if she had tried to imagine herself in the female role rather than just listening passively, but I find it difficult to believe that she wouldn't have found herself sucked into this anyway if the story had any traction with her.

I'm at a loss to know what to do now. My wife understands that I'm feeling unfulfilled, but we're still on good terms. She has offered me more sex, but hasn't shown any keenness to explore these desires of mine. Frankly, that's okay with me because I wouldn't wish her to go through the motions of something that she just isn't comfortable with, and it wouldn't work for me anyway if I sensed that.

Just to be clear again: I'm definitely not looking for an affair and I'd prefer not to have to find any other kind of secret outlet to address my wants. At the same time, I'm getting very frustrated that I'm holding deep desires that I know are probably never going to be met. I've even started to harbour negative thoughts about myself, wondering whether my desires are too perverted, worrying that I'm jeopardising an otherwise happy marriage over something trivial, and questioning my own sexual attractiveness to my wife.

Thanks for reading this far. I'd greatly appreciate any help.

MF
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I'm far from being any expert on BDSM or D/s play. I understand some things about it, but haven't really lived the lifestyle, so recognize that I'm limited in what I know.

Something that's always been interesting to me in general is that there IS an element of dominance and submissiveness in just about any relationship in life. It's also interesting to see how that can even play out differently in two arenas of a marriage: 1. in bed, and 2. out of bed.

Taking #2 first, out of bed there is the distribution of control in the day to day of the marriage. With some couples it's more balanced, with others there is an Alpha in the couple... and in the latter case, that doesn't necessarily translate to the same arrangement in the bedroom.

Not too long ago, as I was looking at problems in my own marriage, I was thinking about how that plays out with compatibility and how that dynamic sortof links bedroom and non-bedroom aspects of the marriage together as you look at how that dominance or submissiveness is balanced in the relationship.

That's all just musing and kinda just semi-related.

I wonder... and, again, I'm not an expert... if her reluctance is less a matter of "not trying something new" as it is just not feeling that role of the dynamic and not picking up any excitement from the thought. In other words, it's more about not being able to feel comfortable BEING a certain way... there's a bit of a difference in saying "let's try this new position" (doing) and saying "let's try a different dynamic" (which is more a "being" or a mindset than a physical action or "doing"). Could that be?

If you were to get her to try, there's a fair chance she wouldn't really get into it and it would be more of a "humor him" performance, which you may find disappointing from your end since I'm sure you want her to get into it and enjoy as well... it's something you want to SHARE with her as an experience. It seems it's just not her interest, though.

I understand how you feel to some degree. Others have listened to what I've said about my marriage and commented that my wife is a control freak outside of bed. I don't know that "control freak" captures it, but certainly there are issues with her urges to control which lead to problems as I tug back a little bit to draw a line and hopefully find a balance.

In the bedroom, though, it's opposite... she wants me to be more Alpha and take what I want (though not in any totally BDSM or D/s way)... I can do that and do, but also have a side to me that would prefer a switch sometimes... I have submissive desires as well and sometimes feel that that's what I crave or need. Yet, that's not a role she feels comfortable with in bed and I have my theories as to why.

Even not as D/s, every relationship has a dynamic and a balance and what feels natural or unnatural in that relationship. Some people are more able to flex and take on different roles, others aren't or find no interest that compels them to. Maybe examining your relationship's dynamics and looking at her personality you could find a way to understand better?

Just a few thoughts... and someone experienced in the lifestyle may totally disagree with me, so take them for what they're worth.

Both of you might want to read the essay linked in my signature. It might offer you a different way to approach the issue with her, maybe.

O.P, I can think of a dozen reasons why she might be resistant-- she might be worried that you're going to take this 'dominance' think into other parts of your lives, she might have a phobia, or not trust you to magically read her mind, she might genuinely not be interested. Unfortunately, some people really don't have a kinky bone in their bodies.

You might try asking your wife to read to you, come to think of it! The story seems like a decent choice to me-- very much from her point of view, very clearly consensual.

Maybe you should try a different tactic and ask her if there's anything new that she'd like to try. I know from experience that there is absolutely nothing more annoying than somebody who seems to be constantly pushing his or her fantasies on to you. Inwardly, you sigh, roll your eyes, and think "This AGAIN?"

I apologize if this is something you've already thought of, by the way. Even if you have done it before, though, you might try asking her again.

Also, it's totally possible to simply not be interested in something. Like you said, she's most likely not offended by the idea. She probably isn't suppressing anything, either. It just may not be her cup of tea, in which case the two of you could always work together to find something that both of y'all will enjoy.

I'm afraid my answer isn't going to be a popular one, but...while I agree with the posts above, offering different ways to go about getting her interested, in the end, if she's not, she's not. It'd be like if my Dom asked me to Domme him. There just isn't a Domme bone in my body, I get nothing out of it, and more than that, I'd be uncomfortable doing it.

If it turns out that you try more and she just isn't into it, then you have to decide whether to stay with her and ignore this part of you that needs fulfilling, leave her to find someone who's fully compatible, or see someone on the side (with or without her knowing) to get your needs met. It's not an easy decision. But... life is short. We only have ONE. If wanting kinkyness in your life is just something fun to do, then it won't be a problem to let it go if she doesn't want it. But if it's a deep down part of you, like it is for me, then you have to decide what to do.

Stella_Omega said:

Both of you might want to read the essay linked in my signature. It might offer you a different way to approach the issue with her, maybe.

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Stella... thanks for pointing to the essay. It does crystalize in words something I suppose I sorta realized in a more vague way (difference between top/bottom and dominant/submissive), but I hadn't really examined the top/bottom aspect with my relationship. It does add a different aspect to consider with compatibility... that added dimension your distinctions clarifies.

I don't want to hijack this thread, since it's about the OP's dilemma, but it's given me a better way to clarify things in my own situation. Thanks.

For me, I had to decide if my kinky desires were more important to me than my husband and kids. Not everyone makes the same decision I did but I'm happy with my decision.

Many thanks for all of those thoughtful replies.

I'll take Stella's contribution first:

Stella_Omega said:

Both of you might want to read the essay linked in my signature. It might offer you a different way to approach the issue with her, maybe.

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That's great, thanks! It fills in several holes in my understanding. Specifically, I think it confirms that my wannabe role is Service Top.

Stella_Omega said:

O.P, I can think of a dozen reasons why she might be resistant-- she might be worried that you're going to take this 'dominance' think into other parts of your lives, she might have a phobia, or not trust you to magically read her mind, she might genuinely not be interested. Unfortunately, some people really don't have a kinky bone in their bodies.

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I think I've ruled out one of those possibilities over the years.

I don't think my wife has a phobia. She is adamant that she trusts me (and I believe her); there's no history of abusive behaviour in her past as far as I'm aware (and I've always been gentle and caring with her myself); and when she has allowed me to go a short way down the light bondage route, her reaction has been lack of interest or mild irritation rather than any sense of panic.

Stella_Omega said:

You might try asking your wife to read to you, come to think of it! The story seems like a decent choice to me-- very much from her point of view, very clearly consensual.

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I'm glad that you think so. I thought it was a good choice. I don't understand how my wife couldn't have found it at least a bit arousing, even if there were aspects about which she felt indifferent.

Touch_72 said:

I wonder... and, again, I'm not an expert... if her reluctance is less a matter of "not trying something new" as it is just not feeling that role of the dynamic and not picking up any excitement from the thought. In other words, it's more about not being able to feel comfortable BEING a certain way... there's a bit of a difference in saying "let's try this new position" (doing) and saying "let's try a different dynamic" (which is more a "being" or a mindset than a physical action or "doing"). Could that be?

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Reading this in combination with Stella's essay, I think you may have a good point. I'm just not sure how to address it!

Touch_72 said:

If you were to get her to try, there's a fair chance she wouldn't really get into it and it would be more of a "humor him" performance, which you may find disappointing from your end since I'm sure you want her to get into it and enjoy as well... it's something you want to SHARE with her as an experience. It seems it's just not her interest, though.

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Precisely! My kicks come from taking charge of providing genuine pleasure. I'd feel upset if my wife chose to fake her enjoyment for my supposed benefit.

Touch_72 said:

Even not as D/s, every relationship has a dynamic and a balance and what feels natural or unnatural in that relationship. Some people are more able to flex and take on different roles, others aren't or find no interest that compels them to. Maybe examining your relationship's dynamics and looking at her personality you could find a way to understand better?

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I've been trying to do that for many years, but you and Stella have given me some new insight today, so I'll try again.

BiBunny said:

Maybe you should try a different tactic and ask her if there's anything new that she'd like to try. I know from experience that there is absolutely nothing more annoying than somebody who seems to be constantly pushing his or her fantasies on to you. Inwardly, you sigh, roll your eyes, and think "This AGAIN?"

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I take your point entirely. I promise you, though, that I've been extremely patient and not pushy. As I've said above, there's no fun for me in seeing my wife harassed into mechanical compliance.

BiBunny said:

I apologize if this is something you've already thought of, by the way. Even if you have done it before, though, you might try asking her again.

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I've asked my wife repeatedly about her sexual fantasies. As in the story that I linked above, she says that she doesn't have any. Unlike in the story, though, she hasn't left me any clues by falling asleep with her laptop still open.

BiBunny said:

Also, it's totally possible to simply not be interested in something. Like you said, she's most likely not offended by the idea. She probably isn't suppressing anything, either. It just may not be her cup of tea, in which case the two of you could always work together to find something that both of y'all will enjoy.

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That would be great, but I need my wife to make a contribution to that!

Pachet said:

I'm afraid my answer isn't going to be a popular one, but...while I agree with the posts above, offering different ways to go about getting her interested, in the end, if she's not, she's not.

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I'm not concerned about answers being popular! The point that you make is realistic, and one that I'm starting to feel resigned to.

Pachet said:

If it turns out that you try more and she just isn't into it, then you have to decide whether to stay with her and ignore this part of you that needs fulfilling, leave her to find someone who's fully compatible, or see someone on the side (with or without her knowing) to get your needs met. It's not an easy decision. But... life is short. We only have ONE. If wanting kinkyness in your life is just something fun to do, then it won't be a problem to let it go if she doesn't want it. But if it's a deep down part of you, like it is for me, then you have to decide what to do.

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Yeah... it's tricky for me. My top priority has always been my family, and so I'm inclined to view my kinky desires as selfish, trivial and not a valid pursuit. On the other hand, they're definitely there and I'm unable to ignore completely that aspect of myself.

FurryFury said:

For me, I had to decide if my kinky desires were more important to me than my husband and kids. Not everyone makes the same decision I did but I'm happy with my decision.

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Understood -- and I'm glad that it worked out for you. If there's a decision to be made, then it's for me alone to arrive at that. I'm keen, though, to receive as much useful input to it as possible.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts so far.
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Can I ask... how does she see sex?

By that, I mean... sex can be different things for different people, right? Some may do it more strictly as a romantic expression, others may see it as a fun and intimate activity... some different things like that.

Does she gravitate more toward just plain romantic expression? In other words, the more kinky or playful or exploratory doesn't fit with how she views/wants sex in general? In that paradigm, there may be less fantasy or personal kinks on her end because she may just want to simply "make love, pure and simple." In contrast, on your end, your perspective is you see sex as intimate PLAY (caps for emphasis on the word) in addition to romantic (which I'm sure it is for you at times).

Simply... you're thinking "it'd be hot to try x, y and z" and she's thinking "I just want him to make love to me." If sex doesn't carry the same playfulness or exploration context in her mind, that's not something you could just convince her to change.

Ignoring the whole D/s aspect of your question and just looking at it as a sexually intimate relationship, it boggles my mind that if you express an interest in something sexual and your wife is neither offended nor opposed to it but simply not overly interested, why she wouldn't be willing to try it. Does she not care to please you, as you appear to want to please her? There can be great pleasure in pleasing another. Your attitude of thinking your desire isn't appropriate since its clearly only to please you...first how do you and she know she won't enjoy it unless she tries (and sometimes more than one try is needed) and second what's wrong with you getting more pleasure than she does? As long as things balance out overall.

I mean does she never do something she doesn't particularly enjoy, just because you do? Like attend a sporting event? Do you never go to a chick flick with her, because she wants to see it and you two want to go to the movies together? (I appreciate my examples are gender stereotypes.) Frankly, I don't see your situation as any different.

Perhaps discussing it from the perspective of pleasing each other...and this is your turn to be pleased...might help. Of course that will require you realizing that there's nothing wrong with you wanting to be pleased. Don't forget to mention to her how much you enjoy pleasing her...the act of pleasing versus doing the action that causes her to be pleased.

Touch_72 said:

Can I ask... how does she see sex?

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I think it's a highly pertinent question, and I'm happy to answer it -- at least, from my own understanding of how my wife views sex.

Touch_72 said:

Does she gravitate more toward just plain romantic expression?

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Definitely! My wife loves cuddles, thoughtful gifts, romantic dinners etc. So do I, and we indulge in a lot of those types of gestures. I think you're right to infer that my wife sees these expressions extending to our bedroom, where she likes our intimacy to be expressed as vanilla penetrative sex. She doesn't wish to give oral (doesn't like the thought of it), and still doesn't ask to receive it (despite recently discovering to her shock that she enjoys it!). My wife has gradually learned to embrace the use of a vibrator for her self-pleasuring, but it's possible that she sees that as different from sex.

I don't wish to sound unappreciative, though. My wife seems to be completely satisfied by our vanilla sex, and I ought to be very happy about that. It's me that's the problem here! In some ways, I'd like my wife to feel less satisfied, and therefore more keen to explore new ideas and the pushing of boundaries with me.

Touch_72 said:

Simply... you're thinking "it'd be hot to try x, y and z" and she's thinking "I just want him to make love to me." If sex doesn't carry the same playfulness or exploration context in her mind, that's not something you could just convince her to change.

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Yes -- I see your point exactly.

Sheesh... there don't seem to be any straightforward solutions to this one.
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I don't know, man. I had a feeling that might be it (your response to my question about how she sees it).

There's no way to push or convince her to see sex differently. Trying may cause more harm than good.

Just my thought, but the most likely way it could come about is if she finds (more than in her mind... also in her heart) that playful exploration can be a way of varying that same loving expression. I don't really suggest trying to convince her of that, but in your position, if I were pulled into a conversation about it, I would...

1. Show an understanding of her apparent wants/needs (romantic expression)
2. Discuss the exploration from the perspective of HER paradigm, shying away from "hot" and "fun" as any reason behind it, but not in a way where you're trying to convince her of that
3. Show a desire to also share it as an experience within her paradigm (ie. Find your own want for romantic expression as she needs it, even within kinkier scenarios) - want it as intimacy

It's all in how things are viewed. The difficulty is that those views, if entrenched, don't easily change and only do so if there's a personal desire to shift paradigms. In a relationship, trying to pressure or nudge that desire to see things differently can cause problems.

Mindfondler said:

I've asked my wife repeatedly about her sexual fantasies. As in the story that I linked above, she says that she doesn't have any.

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that seems strange, most people do. i'd be worried that she has fantasies that she can't tell you about.

BrightlyGo said:

that seems strange, most people do. i'd be worried that she has fantasies that she can't tell you about.

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Oh wouldn't that be a twist? *lol*

Band Camp Girl, anyone?

wicked woman said:

Ignoring the whole D/s aspect of your question and just looking at it as a sexually intimate relationship, it boggles my mind that if you express an interest in something sexual and your wife is neither offended nor opposed to it but simply not overly interested, why she wouldn't be willing to try it. Does she not care to please you, as you appear to want to please her?

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Thanks for your reply!

I hope that I haven't portrayed my wife unfairly. She's a very caring person, and I love her for that. Generally, we act as equal partners in our relationship, sharing and giving evenly, and helping each other. It's only in the bedroom where things become different.

wicked woman said:

There can be great pleasure in pleasing another. Your attitude of thinking your desire isn't appropriate since its clearly only to please you...first how do you and she know she won't enjoy it unless she tries (and sometimes more than one try is needed) and second what's wrong with you getting more pleasure than she does? As long as things balance out overall.

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I take your point entirely and, as I've said above, this would ordinarily be the case between us. It just seems that our sex life is governed by some mysterious hard boundaries which my wife isn't prepared to cross. I'm baffled as to why she's not prepared to experiment more. As I've explained above, I'm not aware of any past traumas that would put her off.

wicked woman said:

Perhaps discussing it from the perspective of pleasing each other...and this is your turn to be pleased...might help. Of course that will require you realizing that there's nothing wrong with you wanting to be pleased. Don't forget to mention to her how much you enjoy pleasing her...the act of pleasing versus doing the action that causes her to be pleased.

Click to expand...

I regularly tell my wife that I enjoy pleasing her. She's probably fed up with hearing it! It's quite a burden for me to do the pleasing, though, as my wife gives me very few clues as to what she likes (e.g. where to touch her, what movements to make, what to say) and so I've had to try to learn by experiment over the years.

I've just had another thought. I wonder whether the issue for my wife is the loss of control. As I've said before, I'm sure that she trusts me, but she's mentioned before that she doesn't like the thought of losing control during orgasm and doing noisy/crazy/embarrassing things. Of course, from my point of view, that's exactly what I want to see, but I'm wary about telling her that!
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Gonna go out on a limb here: is your wife enthusiastic about the sex that you do have? Does she tell you when she thinks you're hot, does she find you sexually attractive? In other words, your wife might be ace and not know it.

Asexuals do sometimes like and enjoy sex, but my understanding is that we approach the thing a little differently from most others. We don't really do it as an expression of love and intimacy (because our love and intimate relations are complete without it), but do it because our partners like it, because society tells us we need to, because we purely enjoy the sensation, because we have libidos and find it satisfying to act on them.

Not saying to have -that- discussion with her, and even if it never does happen it might help you to know that there are people who engage in sex with this quite different perspective and there just isn't anything to be done about it.

Mindfondler said:

I've just had another thought. I wonder whether the issue for my wife is the loss of control. As I've said before, I'm sure that she trusts me, but she's mentioned before that she doesn't like the thought of losing control during orgasm and doing noisy/crazy/embarrassing things. Of course, from my point of view, that's exactly what I want to see, but I'm wary about telling her that!
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You totally might be onto something there. Trouble letting go of self-conscious things can kinda stand in the way of full enjoyment, but you might be right... maybe it's not lack of trust in you, but lack of trust in the situation as far as embarrassment in the way she fears it.

Touch_72 said:

There's no way to push or convince her to see sex differently. Trying may cause more harm than good.

Just my thought, but the most likely way it could come about is if she finds (more than in her mind... also in her heart) that playful exploration can be a way of varying that same loving expression. I don't really suggest trying to convince her of that, but in your position, if I were pulled into a conversation about it, I would...

1. Show an understanding of her apparent wants/needs (romantic expression)
2. Discuss the exploration from the perspective of HER paradigm, shying away from "hot" and "fun" as any reason behind it, but not in a way where you're trying to convince her of that
3. Show a desire to also share it as an experience within her paradigm (ie. Find your own want for romantic expression as she needs it, even within kinkier scenarios) - want it as intimacy

It's all in how things are viewed. The difficulty is that those views, if entrenched, don't easily change and only do so if there's a personal desire to shift paradigms. In a relationship, trying to pressure or nudge that desire to see things differently can cause problems.

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I think I understand your idea, but my creativity is letting me down. I'm not sure how to frame a kinky desire such as light bondage and forcing of orgasms into a solely romantic context.

I do accept, though, that pressure isn't the right way to go. Indeed, I've been accepting that for quite a long time. It's just frustrating that the shifting of paradigms can be a very slow process. Ideally, I'd like my wife to meet a woman who can quickly open my wife's eyes to the exciting possibilities by relating her personal experience (and perhaps dispelling some of my wife's hang-ups at the same time), but I don't see how I can readily engineer that.

BrightlyGo said:

that seems strange, most people do. i'd be worried that she has fantasies that she can't tell you about.

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Oh... I'd love to tease those out of her. I doubt very much that I'd be shocked. Perhaps I could then help her to fulfil some of them. I'd be prepared to put a lot of effort into that.

KoPilot said:

Gonna go out on a limb here: is your wife enthusiastic about the sex that you do have? Does she tell you when she thinks you're hot, does she find you sexually attractive? In other words, your wife might be ace and not know it.

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My wife does seem enthusiastic about our vanilla sex. I don't think she'd ask for it as often as she does otherwise. Also, she regularly experiences intense orgasms (or, more accurately, has learned over the years how to do so). She does compliment me on my attractiveness to her, and that does sound genuine.

KoPilot said:

Not saying to have -that- discussion with her, and even if it never does happen it might help you to know that there are people who engage in sex with this quite different perspective and there just isn't anything to be done about it.

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Understood -- thanks! I don't think that's the underlying reason here, but it's useful for me to grasp this different perspective.
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Touch_72 said:

Mindfondler said:

I've just had another thought. I wonder whether the issue for my wife is the loss of control. As I've said before, I'm sure that she trusts me, but she's mentioned before that she doesn't like the thought of losing control during orgasm and doing noisy/crazy/embarrassing things. Of course, from my point of view, that's exactly what I want to see, but I'm wary about telling her that!

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You totally might be onto something there. Trouble letting go of self-conscious things can kinda stand in the way of full enjoyment, but you might be right... maybe it's not lack of trust in you, but lack of trust in the situation as far as embarrassment in the way she fears it.

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Please can anyone suggest how we might tackle this embarrassment and/or fear, if it's the issue? Presumably the first step would be to persuade my wife that there's a benefit to her in tackling it. I'd imagine that the flip-side is that it can be intoxicating excitement, like a rollercoaster ride, to be unable to control where the delicious stimulation is taking you.

(Now that I come to think of it, my wife doesn't much like rollercoaster rides either...)
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Mindfondler said:

I'm sure that she trusts me, but she's mentioned before that she doesn't like the thought of losing control during orgasm and doing noisy/crazy/embarrassing thing

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hmmm... maybe she is repressing something?

i feel like i have been in her shoes so i'll offer a little perspective on where i've been and maybe it will be close to what she is feeling. i am curious about her upbringing and her general feelings about sex and how she talks about it. once upon a time, i was very vanilla. i probably would have reacted the same as her or possibly worse if hubby was trying to get me to try something new. now i am the one suggesting more adventurous stuff. lol. i wish i could tell you in a nutshell how i arrived here. i had to get over worrying about what anyone would think of me and get past what i was taught about sex. these things are not that easy to do but are definitely possible. her reaction to your suggestion leads me to believe that maybe there are some fantasies lurking in her mind but she doesn't feel comfortable saying it. i can't imagine her not having any fantasies at all. it sounds more like some nervousness about discussing it. i got more interested in trying new things when i started to read more erotica and also made some new friendships with women that were very open about their sexuality. the combo of those things pushed me to want to try new stuff so i started sharing a lot more of my fantasies with my hubby. i would suggest that you keep talking to her and asking what she likes and wants more of in bed. if she start sharing more in that regard, then maybe try to ask about fantasies. maybe ask if she'll read a story on here with you and let her pick a category. i would not give up. i would try to work on baby steps and be as supportive as possible without being pushy. it was well worth the battle for me because sex is fun and liberating now rather than worrying about whether i am staying in the boundaries of what a lady should be like in bed. best of luck!

I suspect luvnmyboys post is probably hitting close to home. When you (the OP) say you feel at times like your kinky desires are selfish, etc, you might be mirroring what she feels about sex. I don't know your wife's upbringing, but there are still a lot of negative stigmas about sex out there, despite the sexual revolution and the things that have changed, a lot of things are still steeped in the culture of generations past, which in turn were based on religious/moral teachings and quite frankly, ignorance.

There is still this strain out there that sex between a man and a woman has to remain based in some sort of framework where it is 'love', that if it is about 'lust' or sex to have fun, it is wrong, even if it is a married couple. It sounds like your wife enjoys sex, but as you said, it seems to be bound in the realm of 'traditional' sex, of penetrative vaginal sex. She enjoys oral sex it sounds like, but doesn't want you to do it on her, probably because she deep down feels it is wrong I would guess. Rather than all of it being an expression of love between two married people, it is like anything but the old missionary romp is outside the bounds of that (which is asinine, but it is still the basis of what religion teaches about sex, and strains of that have become put into popular culture). A woman giving a male oral sex is 'dirty, a man going down on a woman is 'dirty', sex from behind is 'animalistic', anal sex is disgusting, you name it. She also could be willing to give you sex, sadly, because of notions that still haven't died out that somehow sex is a woman's duty to give to her husband, the old "do it for England' nonsense...it isn't as common as it once was, thankfully, but it is still out there......she could feel like focusing on her desires is wrong, selfish, etc...again, I don't know her background, but what I am talking about is still out there.

My wife had a comment about that, about the (5x10) book Stella wants to nuke the author's house for writing (okay, I was joking, she would settle for plastic explosives), that people miss the point, that the reason so many middle aged housewifes seem to be getting off on it isn't the BD/SM aspects or anything close to it, that it was also about it hitting them that they have the right to have pleasure for themselves,that the book kind of nudged them (and I don't think she is wrong, she is on Goodreads and other sites, and many of the women are outright saying these things), that it is okay to go outside the bounds and seek your pleasure, in the end it is what the young woman does in the book, or what she is attracted to (and please, I don't want bashing the book here, I am not saying it is a great book, just using it as an example). E-books are flourishing with all kinds of adult romances far removed from the Harlequin crap, because they feature women's sexuality with a focus on it......if we had a society where women already felt they had that freedom, those books wouldn't sell......not to mention, of course, that sexual incompatibility remains a major breaking point for relationships.

Unfortunately, there is no way to know unless she is willing to talk about it, which may be part of the problem. She may tell you "I am not into that, pure and simple", but the fact that she has trouble with you doing even non kink things, like oral on her, tells me it may be more than that........and underlying what she may very well be saying is "I can't go there, I am a wife and mother, I can't do that".

When my spouse and I got into this, she was not only vanilla, she also had serious sex hangups (caused by abuse as a child we later figured out), and when I sort of introduced it into the relationship (I am sub), it wasn't gentle (I don't recommend doing it the way it happened to us), it clicked with her, maybe because as our therapist suggested, it broke through some of the stuff holding her back...in any event, we started playing, becoming more active, going to group meetings, etc, it morphed into a Ds.....but my sweetie would express reservations, about how it was so wonderful, but then look and say "but I am a mom of a young child, how can I do this"....so even when it does hit home, it can be hard.It could be your wife while you were reading that erotica, was doing everything she could not to react, she was doing it to please you, but was fighting it...

There also could be the reality she isn't into it, of course, but I think that like others, there are other things in the way before you can even determine that. I think it is telling that she won't even try, that she gets mad or irritated, when you suggest trying something, if she just wasn't interested in it, she wouldn't get irritated like that, and it isn't like you are suggesting tying up and whipping her, and I wonder if maybe she is afraid that if she does it and likes it, it will lead to a slippery slope or something.

It sounds like you guys already have a good relationship, could I suggest something? If this is an issue that is between you, could I suggest couples counseling with someone trained in sexuality? It could be your wife needs someone to talk to about it, to hear it is okay, and more importantly, to allow you guys at least to discuss it.

It could be your wife in the end simply isn't wired for play, but to be honest, on the scale of things, you aren't exactly asking for stuff all that kinky, this isn't a Ds, this isn't hardcore kink, this is on the level of what many adult fantasy books are written with these days, it isn't unusual, and maybe hearing that this isn't wrong or forbidden would help.

I wish you luck, I hope it works out.

She doesn't like being helpless, which is something different than not having control.

My advice would be to increase the control play, without turning her into a helpless victim. Basically you already did - she did listen to you, she masturbated the way you wanted. That you didn't shout orders like a staff sergeant doesn't matter.

I think easiest from here on will be subtle orgasm control. Right now, in both of your minds, it's merely consensual sex when you say something and she does it. She has to associate the orgasm with you being in control.

Once she got used to light orgasm control and denial, make her get used to being restricted in her possible actions. For example, when she is all hot and bothered, tell her that she needs to grip the headboard (or whatever is reasonable) for you to continue. When she does, continue, when she does not or stops, tease her, but don't continue either. Keep it playful - better to give up for the moment than being too strict (sometimes, it's just the wrong mood of the people, not that they wouldn't enjoy it).

Come back next year when you've reached this stage.

Does she read the stories?

Let her read some of the stories and pick out her favorites.

Maybe you will get a better understanding of what gets her attention.

SimplyJosie said:

Let her read some of the stories and pick out her favorites.

Maybe you will get a better understanding of what gets her attention.

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How does it help him if he knows that she likes to dress up as a cat and get fucked in the ass?