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Old 10-12-2015, 02:49 PM   #1
bykerhunny83
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Looking to expand my mind

While the topic is not new to me as my hubby is fairly experienced, I have only dabbled here and there with him. Recently he made mention that I am letting him down by not participating in his interests. This may or may not be the right place to look, but I am looking for advice.
I am quite able to open my mind and let my mind go, however, when I act out physically with him, he makes me feel very embarassed... Nothing I say is right, the things I'm doing don't make sense, etc.
I was told by a friend the best way to fully understand is to ask questions, join groups, and seek a mentor.
I have so many questions my hubby is not willing to answer for me...
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Old 10-12-2015, 03:23 PM   #2
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What kind of questions? I'm free to answer anything that I can. If more comfortable feel free to pm me.

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Old 10-12-2015, 03:47 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
I have so many questions my hubby is not willing to answer for me...

My husband and I are finding out feet together, but it cannot imagine not answering each other's questions over things.....so much is personal. In my time here the thing I have learnt is despite any preconceived notions people do things how it works for them. What works for seven out of ten couples might not work and all for the other three out of ten, and all of the couples are going to have some variation.


All that said.....ask here. Very wonderful people have held my hand through things, sometimes not even aware they were, as I read conversations, and contributed and sometimes drew things out a little. Welcome.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:13 PM   #4
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For instance, he likes me being dominant, but I can never get off after I get him off.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:15 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
While the topic is not new to me as my hubby is fairly experienced, I have only dabbled here and there with him. Recently he made mention that I am letting him down by not participating in his interests. This may or may not be the right place to look, but I am looking for advice.
I am quite able to open my mind and let my mind go, however, when I act out physically with him, he makes me feel very embarassed... Nothing I say is right, the things I'm doing don't make sense, etc.
I was told by a friend the best way to fully understand is to ask questions, join groups, and seek a mentor.
I have so many questions my hubby is not willing to answer for me...
You'll find lots of people willing to help answer your questions (and some TOO eager guys willing to jump in and help). It's difficult, however, because some things are a matter of personal taste. It annoys me that your husband isn't willing to help you but yet wants you to already know.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:15 PM   #6
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For instance, he likes me being dominant, but I can never get off after I get him off.
Well......could you tell him to get you off? Then decide whether he has done well enough for you to reward him.......or not?
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:16 PM   #7
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. It annoys me that your husband isn't willing to help you but yet wants you to already know.
There you go, a seasoned expert, saying what I was trying to.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:19 PM   #8
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When we spoke about it, he says he had to learn everything himself and expects me to do the same. Ask questions when they need to be asked but try to get the answers without asking him. He says it's a turnoff. I believe it would be a learning experience for both of us as I am the first he's told his fantasies and wants to. I am on board with going the full extent here. But when i ask him a question about a safe word or can we switch dom/sub roles or do I always have to be the dom, he changes the subject or gets upset with me for asking. That is why I have turned here.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:23 PM   #9
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I'm not even allowed to ask him what he likes. I'm supposed to assume.
I have read several posts and articles and I gathered that there is supposed to be very open communication - safe words, boundaries, what is not allowed.
Am I wrong? Am I completely on the wrong page?
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:29 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
I'm not even allowed to ask him what he likes. I'm supposed to assume.
I have read several posts and articles and I gathered that there is supposed to be very open communication - safe words, boundaries, what is not allowed.
Am I wrong? Am I completely on the wrong page?
I am no expert on any thing but my relationship. But I don't think you are wrong.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:41 PM   #11
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For instance, he likes me being dominant, but I can never get off after I get him off.
Then don't get him off. If he wants you to dominate him, then make it about YOUR pleasure. USE his cock. FORBID him from coming.

Can you get off from oral? Order him to service you through 3-4 orgasms before he's even allowed to take his cock out.

Again, there really is no one true answer. Some submissive guys enjoy having their cock or balls slapped or kicked or even degraded ("It's so cute and tiny!"). Some guys enjoy having their woman strap on a cock and fuck them in the ass.

Really, if he wants you to take a dominant role, then ask yourself what it is that YOU want. What makes you get off? What turns you on?

Unfortunately, it seems that many couples who discover BDSM both want to submit... that can be tricky if you don't want to explore polyamory or switching.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:42 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Gianbattista View Post
Well......could you tell him to get you off? Then decide whether he has done well enough for you to reward him.......or not?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gianbattista View Post
There you go, a seasoned expert, saying what I was trying to.
And it seems that I've repeated your ideas a couple times. Ah well.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:46 PM   #13
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And it seems that I've repeated your ideas a couple times. Ah well.
Well.....you know you are here amoung those I read and learnt from.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:24 PM   #14
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Is it possible that he has some sort of niche kink? That the limited and awkward communications are part of what he enjoys? A sort of, but not quite, humiliation kink? I'm just throwing that out there, because it seems kind of odd that he wants to explore, but doesn't want to talk. I'm with RawHumor on this one. He wants domination? Dominate the fuck out of him Your own way, whatever you like, he is only there for your pleasure.

I am also curious, you say you cannot get off after he does. Can you explain a little more? Is it because of something on your side? Or does he just shut down after he gets off?
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:53 PM   #15
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He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:03 PM   #16
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He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.
Then you are welcome to use my face to get u off,anytime u want to
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:26 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.
Gag him, get a CBT type harness, and tell him (next time you're fucking him) that your little bitch doesn't get to cum at all tonight, and doesn't get to fucking complain or whine.

If he doesn't want to communicate, then he can stop fucking whining and take your cock the way you want to give it to him. I'd also ride his face until his tongue is so numb that he still wouldn't be able to talk the next day.

Granted, I'm a guy... and I've never dominated another guy before... but his lack of communication leads me to be impatient.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:29 PM   #18
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Sounds to me like he only wants you to dominate him on his terms, but he's unwilling to clearly articulate those terms to you. Keep in mind that in a relationship, the partner with the LEAST interest in having sex is the one who has the most power in controlling when and how sex happens. In this case, you're the one who's holding the power because he wants something specific and only you have the power to give it to him.

Tell him you'll give him 30 days to figure out how to tell you what he needs and that there will be no sex of any kind until he gives you that explanation. If he hasn't complied in 30 days, then all bets are off and he might never get it his way. You have the power here, so use it for the greater good of your relationship. By that I mean, make him give up on his insistence that you read his mind and start communicating with you like an adult.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:37 PM   #19
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:38 PM   #20
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I may be way off here, but it sounds like maybe he's found some particular video or story series that he's trying to live out, and doesn't realize that there are other ways for a woman to top a guy.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:51 PM   #21
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I may be way off here, but it sounds like maybe he's found some particular video or story series that he's trying to live out, and doesn't realize that there are other ways for a woman to top a guy.
Tis is probably close to the truth. He may also be completely unwilling to admit how little he knows.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:06 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
I'm not even allowed to ask him what he likes. I'm supposed to assume.
I have read several posts and articles and I gathered that there is supposed to be very open communication - safe words, boundaries, what is not allowed.
Am I wrong? Am I completely on the wrong page?
No, you're not wrong.

It's not uncommon to dream of the mind-reading top who already knows all those things.
Also, he seems to be one of the people who thinks there is one way to do this thing and since he found it, you could too, not realizing you might find something entirely different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.
I'm really sorry to have to say his, but this seems very much like a selfish partner, rather than a BadSM ( that was a typo, but too funny to correct) problem.
Even if you decide to help him with this thing of his, it doesn't turn you in to a walking fetish with no right to needs and wants of your own.

It's quite possible to switch roles if that's what you want.
It doesn't work for everyone, but it seems to me you are trying to participate in this to make him happy.
This is a good thing to do for a partner and it's quite all right to expect their cooperation and to be able to put up some boundaries and to have needs and wants of your own, in my opinion.
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Old 10-13-2015, 02:09 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by bykerhunny83 View Post
He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.
I suppose you could let a flogger or paddle do your talking for you. It could be possible to hold him in enough pain that it distracts him from getting off until you are ready to allow him to? But I agree with others, the real issue is that he seems selfish and ... well, childish. Something along the lines of MidwestYankee's plan to make him communicate might be all that is left for you to try.
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Old 10-13-2015, 10:56 AM   #24
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It sounds like he's wrapped up in the fantasy, and doesn't realize that actually doing it generally a bit different. For example, you actually have to tell your partners what gets you off.

So the whole dominance submission thing is about authority. One person is in charge. Ideally the person who is in charge wants the best experience for both people. If he wants you to be in charge, then you need to want to be in charge too. He also needs to grow up and do what you say, but you need to stand your ground and not play with him if he won't.

However, maybe what he really wants is topping/bottoming. That refers to the actions, rather than someone actually being in charge. In fact, the actions you two are performing could be done with him being the dominant partner, and you the submissive. It would mean he is in charge of what's going on (as it seems is already the case anyways). The thing is, the person who is in charge needs to actually communicate what their partner needs to do.

Also, not helping you get off afterwards has nothing to do with BDSM. It's just selfish.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:36 PM   #25
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Espbdsm?
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