Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > BDSM Talk

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 09-27-2016, 06:19 AM   #1
Eyesopen1012
Virgin
 
Eyesopen1012 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: IL
Posts: 15
Boyfriend has been mind blowing lover and his long history BDSM just entered

I'm in a relationship with a man that I am very fond of and completely wish to continue getting to know him. I've been confident in bedroom abilities until recently.

I'm very open to pleasing a lover in the way that they like to be pleased or in this case, add some pain to heighten orgasm. (Or at least how I like to view BDSM)

In our history, sex started slow but became mind blowing as he opened up and revealed incredible skills. In multiple play areas, he is the best of my life with abundant orgasms 3 different ways. AMAZING

It sounds like I am the first LTR relationship that he has opened up BDSM tendencies with. I'm pretty certain he was a part of that community as well as sought out professional services.

We had our first play session in BDSM where I was going to try to be dominant as well as add some stinging spanking. I spent hours planning it and thought it would be a blast. He was cooperative in act for myself being dominant but not in spirit. He assures me that he loves being submissive which I think means in act and attitude.

It kinda frustrated me and he brought out the concept of "SAM" where someone intentionally irritates the other so spanking will be more severe. It did kinda work as concern for not overdoing did fade.

When adding paddling and taking him to orgasm, it was his longest most powerful orgasm to date. This is what hooks me to continue exploring.

Here is where I get really confused. I kind of expected enthusiasm and ooo, let's try this next. He's an introvert and cautious about bringing this into our relationship.

Do things look different once being into BDSM for 15+ years? How is it possible to not be enthusiastic in attitude when the sex gets better?
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 07:25 AM   #2
Gianbattista
Unicorn Elle-ite
 
Gianbattista's Avatar
 
Gianbattista is offline
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Fairyland, another planet.
Posts: 13,172
Welcome.


I am not the right person to answer your post really, but I didn't want to leave you feeling unnoticed

Someone will be along. It's a bit quiet on BDSM board last couple of days because of an off board happening.
__________________
Elle and Gianbattista

( but usually Elle. )
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 08:43 AM   #3
MeekMe
Savage
 
MeekMe's Avatar
 
MeekMe is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3,549
Quote:
Here is where I get really confused. I kind of expected enthusiasm and ooo, let's try this next. He's an introvert and cautious about bringing this into our relationship.
Seems like he's happy to introduce things slowly which isn't a bad thing.

Quote:
Do things look different once being into BDSM for 15+ years? How is it possible to not be enthusiastic in attitude when the sex gets better?
Yeah, sometimes things are different years in. Right now, you might be in the "let's do ALL the things" mode where as he's thinking, "let's tryout one thing at a time and slowly integrate new things into our relationship." He might want to do this because it's how he is, or he doesn't want you or him to be overwhelmed, or any number of reasons.

It probably feels like the best thing ever right now for you, so of course you want to jump into everything. A lot of people go through that and in some cases make bad decisions based on how they're going to get their next orgasm. Try to be patient and have a talk with him. You won't know why he wants to take things slowly until you ask him.
__________________
I'm judging you. ( ^_^)/~~~
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 08:52 AM   #4
SpunThings
Literotica Guru
 
SpunThings's Avatar
 
SpunThings is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 637
Everyone is different. Some people go into an excited frenzy at the shiny new thing. Other people are more apprehensive. Some people have to work through years of cultural conditioning.m that what they like is wrong. Some people just aren't risk takers and like to take it slow. How does he express tnthusiasm in other areas of life?
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 10:13 AM   #5
Eyesopen1012
Virgin
 
Eyesopen1012 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: IL
Posts: 15
(Really liked that feature for adding a box on what inspired the comment)

Thank you for the feedback as well as giving the feeling that this isn't a "red flag" of sorts.

I do think my enthusiasm made him a little nervous as well as he wasn't fully relaxed -ie. keeping it safe. He didn't seem to like that I accidentally mildly hurt myself trying a toy on self prior to bring things to first session. (I don't have his level of masochistic tendencies and was shocked at what a nipple clamp could do. It looked harmless enough and do kind of believe trying is the most efficient way to learn stuff....)

He in an ISTJ ("duty fulfiller") and expresses interest by being fully present, keeping me as a priority in his schedule, and being available for personal life challenges. He has a highly calm demeanor under pressure in real life and think this is his escape valve. There is no mistaking being a part of his carefully crafted plans.

I'm an INFJ ("counselor"). We are guilty of beautiful visions that need to be balanced with real life. It is not unlike me to jump in at all. Overall, it has done more good in life than bad....
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 10:20 AM   #6
Eyesopen1012
Virgin
 
Eyesopen1012 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: IL
Posts: 15
I was a little surprised that first BDSM session was on Saturday night. On Sunday morning, it was ultra conservative following his lead.

Monday wasn't marked by approachability though definitely had huge things go down at work. He got some news that will take a lot of time for an introvert to process.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 10:42 AM   #7
Consilience
No social skills
 
Consilience's Avatar
 
Consilience is online now
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Somewhere cold
Posts: 1,394
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyesopen1012 View Post
...
He in an ISTJ ("duty fulfiller") and expresses interest by being fully present, keeping me as a priority in his schedule, and being available for personal life challenges. He has a highly calm demeanor under pressure in real life and think this is his escape valve. There is no mistaking being a part of his carefully crafted plans.

I'm an INFJ ("counselor"). We are guilty of beautiful visions that need to be balanced with real life. It is not unlike me to jump in at all. ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyesopen1012 View Post
...
that will take a lot of time for an introvert to process.
Perhaps a review of his star sign horoscope will provide the insight which you seek.
__________________
_
I never know what to put here.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 11:16 AM   #8
MastersDelight
Literotica Guru
 
MastersDelight's Avatar
 
MastersDelight is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,998
As a submissive myself, I can relate to his caution. You've never done this before, you have no experience, and therefore things could get dangerous for him if you're not careful and attentive. Even a simple nipple clamp can cause permanent damage if used for too long or incorrectly. Take a breath, slow down, read these boards, educate yourself. You don't want to hurt him (in a bad way).

Also know that after a scene there needs to be aftercare. Aftercare is different for everyone. For me immediately after i like a strong embrace, my ear to his chest so i can hear his steady heart, lots of pets and "good girl". Once I've come down a little lots of cuddles water and a sugary snack. (sugar helps with sub drop, which is what aftercare helps prevent or at least lessen the severity.). Talk to him about aftercare and what that means to him.

Sub drop is what happens when the adrenaline and chemicals come down. It's the BDSM hangover, and can be very rough. Doms can get it too since scenes can get them pumping just as much as the sub. Sometimes it can cause feelings of depression, moodiness, doubt, loneliness, etc. Having proper aftercare can prevent this, or at least make it more manageable.

There are threads here somewhere about drop and aftercare that can go into more detail.

Edit:
Thread on drop
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=90456
__________________
It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

Updated 9-8-16
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=2619526

https://fetlife.com/users/6135047

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

She has been through hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.



You have three choices:
You can give up
You can give in
Or you can give it your all

Show me all the things I shouldn't know

Last edited by MastersDelight : 09-27-2016 at 11:19 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 02:07 PM   #9
SpunThings
Literotica Guru
 
SpunThings's Avatar
 
SpunThings is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 637
There doesn't HAVE to be aftercare, as not everyone needs or wants it. However I definitely agree it's a good thing to look into. You're not doing it wrong if neither of you want it though.

Also, drop doesn't happen to everyone. Definitely something to keep an eye out for though.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 02:28 PM   #10
MastersDelight
Literotica Guru
 
MastersDelight's Avatar
 
MastersDelight is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,998
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpunThings View Post
There doesn't HAVE to be aftercare, as not everyone needs or wants it. However I definitely agree it's a good thing to look into. You're not doing it wrong if neither of you want it though.

Also, drop doesn't happen to everyone. Definitely something to keep an eye out for though.
Yup. Everyone is different. Sry, should have been clearer that it's not something EVERYONE needs. But def talk to him about it.
__________________
It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

Updated 9-8-16
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=2619526

https://fetlife.com/users/6135047

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

She has been through hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.



You have three choices:
You can give up
You can give in
Or you can give it your all

Show me all the things I shouldn't know
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 05:11 PM   #11
Primalex
種類の良いです
 
Primalex's Avatar
 
Primalex is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 4,539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gianbattista View Post
I am not the right person to answer your post really, but I didn't want to leave you feeling unnoticed
Seriously, you can't even shut up when you have nothing to say?


Quote:
It's a bit quiet on BDSM board last couple of days because of an off board happening.
Looks like you can compensate without any problems. I didn't even notice any difference.
__________________
If you like water, you already like 65% of me.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 07:28 PM   #12
Collar_N_Cuffs
Clink Kink
 
Collar_N_Cuffs's Avatar
 
Collar_N_Cuffs is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Wandering, wondering...
Posts: 14,313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
Seriously, you can't even shut up when you have nothing to say?
Seriously, you can't forego being a dick even when you have no real reason to be a dick?
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gianbattista View Post
"The collared and cuffed curly bird is a gregarious and engaging bird, most frequently seen in America, but has been spotted in Europe where it makes itself right at home, enchanting Europeans with its dance and whistle. Though an omnivore, it is fastidious about its cuisine, making some effort to eat favoured titbits over easily plentiful supplies of lesser foods. This bird is also known as the Frivol in some localities."
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 08:23 PM   #13
Farawyn
Shieldmaiden Wannabe
 
Farawyn's Avatar
 
Farawyn is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: By the Bay
Posts: 6,149
Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Seriously, you can't forego being a dick even when you have no real reason to be a dick?


Sersly, you can't forego being fucking awesome even when you yadda yadda yadda...?

__________________
“And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien, Return of The King
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 08:34 PM   #14
Primalex
種類の良いです
 
Primalex's Avatar
 
Primalex is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 4,539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Seriously, you can't forego being a dick even when you have no real reason to be a dick?
"no real reason"?

Oh! You mean, I'm supposed to be only a dick to people you don't like?

Sorry, hun, I'm an equal opportunity dick, you should have known this by now.
__________________
If you like water, you already like 65% of me.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-27-2016, 08:58 PM   #15
MastersDelight
Literotica Guru
 
MastersDelight's Avatar
 
MastersDelight is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,998
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
"no real reason"?

Oh! You mean, I'm supposed to be only a dick to people you don't like?

Sorry, hun, I'm an equal opportunity dick, you should have known this by now.
You should sell bumper stickers, or greeting cards....
__________________
It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

Updated 9-8-16
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=2619526

https://fetlife.com/users/6135047

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

She has been through hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.



You have three choices:
You can give up
You can give in
Or you can give it your all

Show me all the things I shouldn't know
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-28-2016, 06:48 AM   #16
Gianbattista
Unicorn Elle-ite
 
Gianbattista's Avatar
 
Gianbattista is offline
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Fairyland, another planet.
Posts: 13,172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawyn View Post
Sersly, you can't forego being fucking awesome even when you yadda yadda yadda...?

She really can't
__________________
Elle and Gianbattista

( but usually Elle. )
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-01-2016, 12:25 PM   #17
Eyesopen1012
Virgin
 
Eyesopen1012 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: IL
Posts: 15
Thank you for the advice and perspective. Round 2 is taking a siesta of sorts with big personal emergencies.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-01-2016, 06:30 PM   #18
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
 
cookiecat's Avatar
 
cookiecat is offline
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,319
When I realized I liked weird kinky things, it took a while to admit it. Especially in a new relationship, I wasn't super open about saying I wanted my partner to pee on me or choke me.

Perhaps he's uncertain about admitting submissive tendencies just because he's a guy and that's a lot to wrap your head around?? I'm taking a stab in the dark.

There's a lot of self image stuff wrapped up in all this kinky activity. What does it say about me that I want someone to hurt me for pleasure?? Add to your mix a guy should be all manly and shit.

Sometimes this should just be way easier. Stop overthinking and just enjoy the ride. I'm not wired this way - I tend to overanalyze every last thing.

Hope the personal emergencies get resolved.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-01-2016, 09:45 PM   #19
Tallcajun
Literotica Guru
 
Tallcajun's Avatar
 
Tallcajun is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Down da bayou near Cocodrie
Posts: 3,147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Seriously, you can't forego being a dick even when you have no real reason to be a dick?
LMAO!
Touche'
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-02-2016, 08:22 AM   #20
Sexstory61
Virgin
 
Sexstory61 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 4
Maybe spank him for not being more enthusiastic or he may think that it might scare you off and is just waiting for you to initiated considering 97% of women do not like to be the domineering person
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:10 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.