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Old 04-26-2017, 10:31 PM   #1
Mustang Sally
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Question question for the Doms

Let's say you have a new partner. She seems to be pretty vanilla and you are content to have a vanilla sex life with her. After all, you are polyamorous and have other partners who share your kink.

You have shared with her, however, that you are a Dom and a sadist, and she expresses interest in exploring these things with you. She enjoys the bit of roughness you can't do without during sex, but you keep it very restrained, because you feel that she is "too sweet to violate." You admit that she has submissive qualities but feel that it's just "not her thing."

Is it offputting or offensive somehow for her to keep bringing up her interest, to keep pushing you to go a little further every time? Do you wish she would drop it and just enjoy the lovely thing you have going on?
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Old 04-26-2017, 10:47 PM   #2
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Well i think the thing in the situation you describe is COMMUNICATION. Because on the surface it sounds like to me she's interested in exploring the world you opened to her. I mean if she's "too sweet to violate" be open and honest with her about your reluctance. My honest advice have a sit down and talk honestly with each otherwise sh*t is going to get toxic.

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Old 04-26-2017, 10:51 PM   #3
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Let's say you have a new partner. She seems to be pretty vanilla and you are content to have a vanilla sex life with her. After all, you are polyamorous and have other partners who share your kink.

You have shared with her, however, that you are a Dom and a sadist, and she expresses interest in exploring these things with you. She enjoys the bit of roughness you can't do without during sex, but you keep it very restrained, because you feel that she is "too sweet to violate." You admit that she has submissive qualities but feel that it's just "not her thing."

Is it offputting or offensive somehow for her to keep bringing up her interest, to keep pushing you to go a little further every time? Do you wish she would drop it and just enjoy the lovely thing you have going on?
Hmmm, well it sounds as if she is telling you, or at least hinting that maybe it is her thing, despite her sweet disposition, yet you have decided for her that it is not her thing. Now if you have no interest in experimenting in that way with her then don't, but if she is asking for it in her sweet way, and if her sweetness is the only thing holding you back, then don't worry about it and proceed. One thing most of us know is that you cannot judge a book by its cover or even first chapter. I have met girls that I thought were "dirty" who ended up not being so, and I have met "good girls" that ended up not being so good. So give her some slack and slap that ass. Go slow if you are worried about it, but if that good girl wants to go bad.... let her.
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Old 04-26-2017, 10:54 PM   #4
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Oh, I'm the "she" in this story.

There has been so.much.communication, but I am having trouble getting out of this vanilla box he's put me in. The sex is really good, but I'm dying to see those other sides of him. I'm not asking him to go all hardcore on me overnight, but, as I say, I would love to explore it, and I truly do think I would enjoy...
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Old 04-26-2017, 10:58 PM   #5
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Oh, I'm the "she" in this story.

There has been so.much.communication, but I am having trouble getting out of this vanilla box he's put me in. The sex is really good, but I'm dying to see those other sides of him. I'm not asking him to go all hardcore on me overnight, but, as I say, I would love to explore it, and I truly do think I would enjoy...
Oh, interesting, I thought it was the other way around. You should find some videos or photos of the naughty things you desire, and let him know.... "I'd like to try some of this"!
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Old 04-26-2017, 11:27 PM   #6
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From what I'm describing, though, do you feel like there's anything offensive in me pursuing it? He once said he wondered whether my interest was just morbid curiosity. I believe it to be genuine interest, but maybe I should accept that it's not what he wants from me? (But if that's the case, I really wish he would say so.)
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:07 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Mustang Sally View Post
Let's say you have a new partner. She seems to be pretty vanilla and you are content to have a vanilla sex life with her. After all, you are polyamorous and have other partners who share your kink.

You have shared with her, however, that you are a Dom and a sadist, and she expresses interest in exploring these things with you. She enjoys the bit of roughness you can't do without during sex, but you keep it very restrained, because you feel that she is "too sweet to violate." You admit that she has submissive qualities but feel that it's just "not her thing."

Is it offputting or offensive somehow for her to keep bringing up her interest, to keep pushing you to go a little further every time? Do you wish she would drop it and just enjoy the lovely thing you have going on?
The key words that jumps out to me are; "new partner". I think the original advice/suggestions about communication are still the best answers. I wouldn't see how it could be offensive for you to express a growing interest for some of the new things he has made you aware of. If he tells you that is not what he wants with you, then you'll know that too. Then time will tell how the relationship unfolds. (PS: If he's a poor communicator, that could be a red flag.)
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:11 AM   #8
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From what I'm describing, though, do you feel like there's anything offensive in me pursuing it? He once said he wondered whether my interest was just morbid curiosity. I believe it to be genuine interest, but maybe I should accept that it's not what he wants from me? (But if that's the case, I really wish he would say so.)
No, I think you should pursue it. He has inaccurately figured out the kind of girl you are, or at least he thinks he knows what you will like and what is best for you (based on what you are telling us). Now if for some reason he can't bring himself to treat you a certain way, or do these things to you, then that is his deal, but it is your responsibility to let him know you sincerely would like to go in that direction. Let him know you are not just curious, but ready for action. Like I said, find some photos, or better yet videos of what turns your fancy, and let him know, you are interested in that. As a Dom I love it when my sub lets me know what she wants or needs or likes. Granted it is up to me to pursue those things or not, but I always want to know. And since I care about her and want a happy sub, you can bet that she is going to get what she wants, though it is up to me to pick the time and place and exactly how. Go for it! Being a sub does not mean you can't aggressively seek your kinks. Let him know this good girl wants to go bad. Dress super slutty too, if you feel comfortable with that, as that can help let him know you are serious.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:13 AM   #9
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The key words that jumps out to me are; "new partner". I think the original advice/suggestions about communication are still the best answers. I wouldn't see how it could be offensive for you to express a growing interest for some of the new things he has made you aware of. If he tells you that is not what he wants with you, then you'll know that too. Then time will tell how the relationship unfolds. (PS: If he's a poor communicator, that could be a red flag.)
I say new partner I guess because I've only seen him a handful of times due to distance, etc., but we've been involved for a year. (Oh, and we were involved for a year and a half about 15 years ago too...) We communicate heavily by text and email and it *seems* like we are quite open, but this remains unresolved. I think I will outright ask him next time the subject comes up.

Thanks for your insight.

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Old 04-27-2017, 12:20 AM   #10
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No, I think you should pursue it. He has inaccurately figured out the kind of girl you are, or at least he thinks he knows what you will like and what is best for you (based on what you are telling us). Now if for some reason he can't bring himself to treat you a certain way, or do these things to you, then that is his deal, but it is your responsibility to let him know you sincerely would like to go in that direction. Let him know you are not just curious, but ready for action. Like I said, find some photos, or better yet videos of what turns your fancy, and let him know, you are interested in that. As a Dom I love it when my sub lets me know what she wants or needs or likes. Granted it is up to me to pursue those things or not, but I always want to know. And since I care about her and want a happy sub, you can bet that she is going to get what she wants, though it is up to me to pick the time and place and exactly how. Go for it! Being a sub does not mean you can't aggressively seek your kinks. Let him know this good girl wants to go bad. Dress super slutty too, if you feel comfortable with that, as that can help let him know you are serious.
Ah, I like this advice. (Although he doesn't like slutty; he likes sweet - like plain white cotton panties and a feminine dress. And yet "sweet" is apparently the problem. Ha! See, confusing.)
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:34 AM   #11
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I have a hard time identifying with the idea of finding someone "too sweet to violate". That phrase and mindset does not sit well with me, especially if the person in question is sitting there saying "Hey, I'm interested in trying violation, so please violate me!" I believe when people use their words it is respectful to believe them. If a woman tells me she is into being violated, it's awfully presumptuous of me to tell her she's wrong.

However, it's also possible that he's had experiences where women have told him they're totally up for some kinky action and then recoiled in horror when he actually showed them the kinky stuff he likes to do. That could make him gun shy even though you're telling him you're up for it. It's like the classic story of the girl who begs her boyfriend to tell her his fantasies even though he claims they are a little crazy. She reassures him she can handle anything because she's so open-minded, and in her head she's thinking he probably fantasizes about spreading rose petals and candles all around the room and then tying her wrists together and licking her pussy for hours; when in reality his fantasies involve strapping her down and pissing all over her before fucking her sister in front of her, pulling on the leash tied to the collar around her neck and making her moo like a hucow the entire time. Like I said, classic story.

I'm curious to know, in all the communication you've done, have you talked about some of the specific actions he does that he thinks wouldn't be your thing? Or power exchange dynamics that you would like to try with him? Another possibility is he just doesn't feel a D/s spark with you and isn't really sure how to express that to you.

If you haven't sat him down and said the words, "I want to do X, Y, and Z with you," I recommend you do so and see what he says.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:34 AM   #12
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Ah, I like this advice. (Although he doesn't like slutty; he likes sweet - like plain white cotton panties and a feminine dress. And yet "sweet" is apparently the problem. Ha! See, confusing.)
You said that he has other lovers too that he treats differently than you. Apparently they get the full blown bad-girl Dom treatment. Well, who knows, maybe he has a role for a good girl and that is you! Maybe you are just filling that need for him and that is how he wants it to stay. He chose you for a specific role. He has a devil or two over there , and needs an angel over here . Really this is just a theory, but it is an interesting thought to consider.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:39 AM   #13
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You said that he has other lovers too that he treats differently than you. Apparently they get the full blown bad-girl Dom treatment. Well, who knows, maybe he has a role for a good girl and that is you! Maybe you are just filling that need for him and that is how he wants it to stay. He chose you for a specific role. He has a devil or two over there , and needs an angel over here . Really this is just a theory, but it is an interesting thought to consider.
Good point! Lucky me, once a good girl, always a good girl, I suppose.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:47 AM   #14
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Good point! Lucky me, once a good girl, always a good girl, I suppose.
Well, I'll tell you, there is nothing better than "turning" a good girl! Much more satisfying than treating a bad girl as a bad girl. He should realize that corrupting you (with your permission of course) can be quite the delicacy.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:55 AM   #15
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I have a hard time identifying with the idea of finding someone "too sweet to violate". That phrase and mindset does not sit well with me, especially if the person in question is sitting there saying "Hey, I'm interested in trying violation, so please violate me!" I believe when people use their words it is respectful to believe them. If a woman tells me she is into being violated, it's awfully presumptuous of me to tell her she's wrong.

However, it's also possible that he's had experiences where women have told him they're totally up for some kinky action and then recoiled in horror when he actually showed them the kinky stuff he likes to do. That could make him gun shy even though you're telling him you're up for it. It's like the classic story of the girl who begs her boyfriend to tell her his fantasies even though he claims they are a little crazy. She reassures him she can handle anything because she's so open-minded, and in her head she's thinking he probably fantasizes about spreading rose petals and candles all around the room and then tying her wrists together and licking her pussy for hours; when in reality his fantasies involve strapping her down and pissing all over her before fucking her sister in front of her, pulling on the leash tied to the collar around her neck and making her moo like a hucow the entire time. Like I said, classic story.

I'm curious to know, in all the communication you've done, have you talked about some of the specific actions he does that he thinks wouldn't be your thing? Or power exchange dynamics that you would like to try with him? Another possibility is he just doesn't feel a D/s spark with you and isn't really sure how to express that to you.

If you haven't sat him down and said the words, "I want to do X, Y, and Z with you," I recommend you do so and see what he says.
Excellent points, Miles, thanks for your thoughts. I think paragraph 2 might be entirely possible, as he has been evasive when I ask him to tell me what he's like as a Dom.

Our current dynamic is very much about me pleasing and serving him. He has asked me to always wear a dress with him and I do. He has asked me to keep my hair long so I do. He has asked that I touch his cock as much as possible when we're together and I do. He has me cook/serve him food, etc.

I have specifically asked for a few things - verbal commands, less restrained spanking, the rougher blowjob demand he says he usually does (hair-pulling and crude words as opposed to the silent gentle head push I get). To all of these things he has told me I wouldn't be into it (although we have made some progress in the spanking department), which is frustrating...
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Old 04-27-2017, 02:46 AM   #16
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With any kinky partner, no matter how sweet or vanilla-kink they are, what you do is slowly offer them more and more until you find a sweet spot.

She liked spanking? Fine, let's bring in the flogger next time. Liked that? Let's see if she likes some foot torture. Then cane. Then whip. Do it harder. Do it longer.
Every session you bring in something slightly new, slightly harder, more painful, more restrictive, more humiliating.

And then, at some point, your sub tells you that what you are giving is just right. Or you give something more and she says that it's too much for her.
That's where you stop, at least for a while. Let her feel it through, get accustomed to her feelings. Maybe after a few months you can try moving forward again, and it would be fine this time, because she got used to pain (or whatever). Maybe not, maybe she'll forever keep her limits.

Now, back to your question.
What you shouldn't do is make any partner frustrated with you for not giving enough. If she has to bring up her desires over and over again, then clearly you are not doing her justice. You should introduce more, to satisfy her desires.

Remember - the sweetest, most innocent and fragile looking girls may be the hardcore masochists on the inside with insane pain tolerance. Granted, they may not be.
Thing is, you will never know until you discover. You may "feel" that what she wants is rough sex, but you may be mistaking about that.

BDSM practices do not go in bundles. I read posts with that assumption a lot on these forums. It's not a choice between "rough vanilla" and "all-out-sadism". No
BDSM is a million of different things that can be delivered with differing intensity, and each partner requires a different "set" to be carefully hand-picked and adjusted for them.
This is what you need to do.

p.s. sorry, reading the replies I can see that you may be the girl in question? I structured the post adressed towards the dominant male, sorry if I was wrong. I won't re-write it, but my points stand.
Have him read this thread, maybe he'll learn something.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:07 AM   #17
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p.s. sorry, reading the replies I can see that you may be the girl in question? I structured the post adressed towards the dominant male, sorry if I was wrong. I won't re-write it, but my points stand.
Have him read this thread, maybe he'll learn something.
Sorry, my presentation was confusing. But, yeah, a gradual introduction of new elements is what I'm hoping for.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:19 AM   #18
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Oh, I'm the "she" in this story.

There has been so.much.communication, but I am having trouble getting out of this vanilla box he's put me in. The sex is really good, but I'm dying to see those other sides of him. I'm not asking him to go all hardcore on me overnight, but, as I say, I would love to explore it, and I truly do think I would enjoy...
I'm curious as to what causes you to believe that he's as domineering and the sadist that you believe him to be?
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:07 AM   #19
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I'm curious as to what causes you to believe that he's as domineering and the sadist that you believe him to be?

He's told me so. Dom and sadist are his words. He tells me he's holding back, that he doesn't want to scare me off. We've talked about stuff like what he likes his subs to call him. And much more.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:22 AM   #20
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A couple of things stand out for me.

One is that maybe you're questioning his level of involvement and commitment to your needs. The second is that again maybe you're trying to find something in your relationship which isn't there.

You need to talk. The talking doesn't have to be all at once, it can be one or two sentences that lead somewhere positive and continuing. That positive heading is what you're looking for. Not just words, you should be looking for changes and seeing them happen consistently. Once it's out in the open, you shouldn't have to ask any longer. Don't give him guidance, he needs permission. Once he knows he has it, he will run with it if he wants to.

If he blows you off, or you still aren't getting anywhere, you won't get what you want from your relationship. I suspect this is where you will wind up based on several factors in this thread. Personal happiness sometimes requires you to throw in the towel and move on.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:50 AM   #21
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I would run from someone like this.

You are doing what he asks. You are asking for things and he is telling you that you don't want it.
Not, let's talk about it. Not, are you sure?

Red flag.
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:01 AM   #22
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Excellent points, Miles, thanks for your thoughts. I think paragraph 2 might be entirely possible, as he has been evasive when I ask him to tell me what he's like as a Dom.

Our current dynamic is very much about me pleasing and serving him. He has asked me to always wear a dress with him and I do. He has asked me to keep my hair long so I do. He has asked that I touch his cock as much as possible when we're together and I do. He has me cook/serve him food, etc.

I have specifically asked for a few things - verbal commands, less restrained spanking, the rougher blowjob demand he says he usually does (hair-pulling and crude words as opposed to the silent gentle head push I get). To all of these things he has told me I wouldn't be into it (although we have made some progress in the spanking department), which is frustrating...
So you're telling him you want to try these things and he's flat out telling you "you wouldnt be in to it."

You not only have a Dom and a sadist on your hands but a mind reader. He know you better than you?!

There are some good points here. Maybe he's gun shy because of a past experience. Maybe he's putting you in a poly box. But shouldn't he tell you this vs kind of blowing off your feelings?

Youve expressed your feelings. He's not listening. Seems to me he's getting 100% of what he wants out of this relationship but you're getting less than.
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:38 AM   #23
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So you're telling him you want to try these things and he's flat out telling you "you wouldnt be in to it."

You not only have a Dom and a sadist on your hands but a mind reader. He know you better than you?!

There are some good points here. Maybe he's gun shy because of a past experience. Maybe he's putting you in a poly box. But shouldn't he tell you this vs kind of blowing off your feelings?

Youve expressed your feelings. He's not listening. Seems to me he's getting 100% of what he wants out of this relationship but you're getting less than.
Gotta love a good mind reader, right? :roll eyes:

I also find myself wondering if his whole "You wouldn't really be into it," is code for "I just don't want to do those things with you." Like a kinky version of "It's not you, it's me."

Whatever is going through his head it seems like the OP has made it perfectly clear she wants to do things that he has in turn made it clear he's not going to do with her.
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:50 AM   #24
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May I ask?

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He's told me so. Dom and sadist are his words. He tells me he's holding back, that he doesn't want to scare me off. We've talked about stuff like what he likes his subs to call him. And much more.
May I ask how he fucks?

I'd like to think here's very thorough and really puts his hips into you and give you a thorough balling. It seems very likely, he'd give you a good swat on your ass when the mood strikes and I'm thinking it could progress from there

Personally, when everything is going well, I have no issues with pushing limits. I'm curious why he is reluctant to move things towards his sadist practices. Odd . . .
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:43 PM   #25
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May I ask how he fucks?

I'd like to think here's very thorough and really puts his hips into you and give you a thorough balling. It seems very likely, he'd give you a good swat on your ass when the mood strikes and I'm thinking it could progress from there

Personally, when everything is going well, I have no issues with pushing limits. I'm curious why he is reluctant to move things towards his sadist practices. Odd . . .
Yeah, sometimes it's like that. There have been a few good swats. And nipple-pinching and controlling my head with his hands in my hair - all of which I'm loving.

It's so hard to sum up a relationship in a few paragraphs. I think I wouldn't be able to handle him if he were my primary relationship, but I'm married. This is my first and only affair (with hubby's enthusiastic consent) and I'm kind of looking at it as my chance to have a sexual adventure. But things are really good, and I can certainly live with it If he doesn't want to take me any further with the BDSM stuff, as disappointing as that would be.
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