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Old 04-08-2013, 12:25 AM   #1
Cowboy1jh
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to resolve a possible issue

I am new to the bdsm life style really i have heard of it and have been curious well recently i have started dating a sub. I have no experience being dom and am trying to learn a few things about it in general.

1. I have a natural hopeless romantic personality. how would i go about transitioning to a dom for the times she needs that type of fulfillment with out losing this side of me?

2. if she already has a dom is there a way i can help her to transition to me from him if i can assume the role she requires.

3. if the first two cannot be accomplished how do i live with the knowledge that at times i will not be enough for her satisfaction.

any help on these questions is appreciated from both sides. any doms feel free to offer advise on things i can try with out being full dom to keep her satisfied.
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:43 AM   #2
njlauren
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There is nothing to stop you from being a hopeless romantic and being a dom.......being a dom means being in control, but it doesn't mean you cannot love your sub in your heart or express that love. One thing you have to learn is that the image of dominants as these cold, controlling people, who spend their time being harsh with their sub, etc, is just that, an image. I am sure there are dominants like that, but there are also a lot of married Dom/sub pairs,and I would assume a lot of them are married or in a full relationship.

Yes, there can be a dilemma, if your gal wants you to be harsh with her, likes harsh play, likes being a deep sub, or whatever, and it can be hard to reconcile doing something that appears nasty or hurtful to someone you love...yet the answer to that is, it is something (hopefully) that works between you, you aren't out to hurt her, you are out to give her what you and she need. Obviously, at this point, you don't even know if you can get into the dom role or if you are even interested, but the fact that you get into loving someone isn't the issue.

If it turns out you cannot give her what she needs, there are alternatives. Obviously , you could break up with her. The other option, that I have heard of, would be if she had a D/s with someone outside your relationship, that would fulfill her needs with that. Obviously, you would have to be part of that, in that you would have to negotiate with her (and with the D) with what you could feel comfortable with. If she could do without the D/s stuff that would be an alternative, but many cannot IME.

One place to start your journey I recommend is Greenery Press, the topping book is a good one; there are also a lot of good books about the scene, Different Loving is pretty decent if it has been out a while (the author is a trained sexuality psychologist and also is a scene person; she has a website, www.gloriabraeme.com that might be of help...).

One of the nice things is she may help you develop, there is nothing wrong with an experienced sub (if she is) working with a partner to see if they can find themselves in that path...can be a lot of fun and pretty hot, if my experience holds. Key thing? Talk to her about it, ask her what she needs, and explore with her, see if it does anything for you. There is no magic key to this, you might find it doesn't do anything for you, and in that case my comments above are what I see as the options
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Old 04-08-2013, 01:01 AM   #3
ornitorinko
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^ Seconding this answer.
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Old 04-08-2013, 01:03 AM   #4
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Because of the way that people currently use the language, the words "Dom" and "sub" don't signify much-- They have specific meanings, but newcomers rarely use them that way.

There are a thousand-eleventy ways to be kinked, and you and she need to work out what of those ways apply to you and satisfy you. You can start by reading the essay in my sig, and see if it applies to you or not-- it might not, necessarily, but yes or no is a good place to start.

And you can make the demand on her, that she train you in your calling. She might be able to rise to that.
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Old 04-08-2013, 07:46 AM   #5
LallyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njlauren View Post
There is nothing to stop you from being a hopeless romantic and being a dom.......being a dom means being in control, but it doesn't mean you cannot love your sub in your heart or express that love. One thing you have to learn is that the image of dominants as these cold, controlling people, who spend their time being harsh with their sub, etc, is just that, an image. I am sure there are dominants like that, but there are also a lot of married Dom/sub pairs,and I would assume a lot of them are married or in a full relationship.
I am married, and have been for many years, to a quiet, gentle, considerate, loving man. However, as a submissive, I wanted him to be dominant, and he has worked on developing that part of his nature, initially for my benefit solely, but it has grown into something he takes great pleasure in himself.

In private, he is now full-on dominant in every respect, but that has not harmed or changed our relationship, and neither has it changed his inherent nature. He loves me, cares for me, looks after me - if anything, he shows it even more than he did before.

Everyone on this board will stress the need for communication between you both, and I will echo that. Talk to her about what she needs from you, research on here and elsewhere, and take the advice from the experienced posters on this board. All best wishes.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:24 PM   #6
Netzach
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The only thing that "Dominant" really implies or has to imply is that this is the person with the veto power, the driving seat position, and the ultimate responsibility for what happens. (sexually, extra-sexually, for a day, for the rest of your life, however you want to shape that)

That person can be a screaming harpy, a gentle and reserved soul who fawns over kittens, a drill instructor, a pedantic pain in the ass, a man a woman a cosplay kitty cat, a drag queen, Joe Six Pack, Josette Wine Glass or any kind of person you can dream up.

Sometimes they have their power because it's obvious that they could kick ass and take it, sometimes they have their power purely because like Tinkerbelle someone claps their hands and BELIEVES.

Find areas of compatibility and work with those. Don't change yourself around into some character you think you're supposed to play, tap the actual power and control in you right now.
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Old 04-08-2013, 11:44 PM   #7
Cowboy1jh
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i thank you all for the advise and help i have thought of another question. as being a more traditional person i think of intimacy as between two people and anything out of that is considered an affair. would i be wrong to ask her or even tell her to deny her current master as she calls him and tell him that it is over.
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Old 04-09-2013, 12:33 AM   #8
KoPilot
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If non-monogamy doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you. It's not about being traditional or edgy, it's just how some of us are happiest and and function our best in our intimate relationships. It is definitely not an unreasonable thing to ask of any partner. And if they say such a thing is a dealbreaker, then it could very well spare you some heartache down the road. (D-types are allowed to feel heartache )
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:47 AM   #9
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cowboy1jh View Post
i thank you all for the advise and help i have thought of another question. as being a more traditional person i think of intimacy as between two people and anything out of that is considered an affair. would i be wrong to ask her or even tell her to deny her current master as she calls him and tell him that it is over.
You can ask her to think about it and make a decision. And you can then make your own decision depending on what her answer is.
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:00 AM   #10
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If she already has a Dom and is dating, they may have already discussed it and set parameters. I would ask her what they discussed/decided.
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