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Old 04-03-2013, 11:32 PM   #1
Huntress2603
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Question LOTS of questions

OK, let me start out by apologizing for both the lengthy post and my lack of knowledge. I'm trying to learn more about BDSM and my only real knowledge of it comes from our culture's popular depiction - i.e., chains, whips, dominatrixes, etc. I'm really not trying to be disrespectful here, I have a genuine curiosity for BDSM and am hoping the experienced members of this community can help me.

First, I want to make it clear that I am bi-sexual and currently living with a woman. At this point, I am interested only in women.

I have always been interested in mild bondage and spanking. Nothing serious, just fun and games. But, lately, I find that I want to learn and experience much more. I work in a demanding job - I'm a Marketing Director and I manage a team of professionals. I'm in charge *all* day. I make decisions *all* day. When I come home, I pretty much run the household. I've got a busy home life with two little boys and I'm active in their extracurricular activities - I'm a PTA officer, little league advisor, etc. So, more decisions and leadership. I feel like I'm in charge and on the spot to make decisions all the time and, while I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything, I sometimes feel exhausted by my role as Chief Decision Maker!

I have been reading some of the lesbian BDSM-themed stories here on Literotica and I really love so much of what's in those stories. I find that I want the sexual relationships described in those stories. And this is where I'm confused...I don't know what I'm looking for or what I *should* be looking for. Should I be going to visit a dominatrix? But is there sex involved in that relationship or is it just BDSM stuff? Should I be looking for that dynamic in a sexual relationship with another woman?

Again, I'm very confused and very un-informed so any help that I can get from the community here would be much, MUCH appreciated. Please feel free to answer here or PM me, if you prefer. Thanks in advance for your help!
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Old 04-04-2013, 06:28 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huntress2603 View Post
I have been reading some of the lesbian BDSM-themed stories here on Literotica and I really love so much of what's in those stories. I find that I want the sexual relationships described in those stories. And this is where I'm confused...I don't know what I'm looking for or what I *should* be looking for. Should I be going to visit a dominatrix? But is there sex involved in that relationship or is it just BDSM stuff? Should I be looking for that dynamic in a sexual relationship with another woman?

Again, I'm very confused and very un-informed so any help that I can get from the community here would be much, MUCH appreciated. Please feel free to answer here or PM me, if you prefer. Thanks in advance for your help!
All-purpose unhelpful answer: "it depends". On you, on your partner, and also on your context. BDSM means different things to different people, and you're going to have to figure out which ones apply to you. But some things to consider:

- BDSM is not always a sexual activity. There are people who enjoy the masochism, or the submission, or whatever, without sexualising it. (Also, for legal reasons some dominatrixes find it safer to represent it as a non-sexual activity even if that's not strictly true. Where I live, sex work is legal and dommes are more relaxed about acknowledging the sexual component.)

But even if you make that distinction between "sex" and "BDSM stuff", understand that many others won't recognise it. In particular, going off to a pro (or an amateur) for BDSM fun is something that your partner might view as cheating, even if nobody's having sex as such.

I would strongly recommend discussing all this with your partner before looking elsewhere, if you feel you can safely do so. If not, be aware that this might undermine your relationship with her.

- You mention children. If there's an ex in the picture you may want to consider custody-type ramifications, especially if you're looking at visiting a professional domme. Some resources on this stuff here.

- "BDSM relationships" cover a whole spectrum from 24-7 master-slave situations to almost-vanilla folk who like to spank one another once in a while. The BDSM stories you'll find on Literotica tend to focus on the heavier sorts of relationships, but it's definitely NOT the only way to do it - if you just want to get lightly spanked once or twice a year, that's okay too! You'll need to figure out for yourself what's going to work for you.

(FWIW, if you're curious, my story "A Stringed Instrument" features a situation where BDSM is present but is only a minor element in the relationship. The story is fictional, but that part of the relationship dynamic is fairly close to some of my real-life experience.)

You're going to need to do a lot of thinking about what sort of BDSM relationship you actually want - other BDSMers here & elsewhere can suggest some possibilities, but you'll have to figure out for yourself which of those might work for you. One size emphatically does NOT fit all. I expect Stella or somebody will post a better reading list, but off the top of my head, the following are worth a look:

Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns
The Loving Dominant
The New Bottoming Book and/or The New Topping Book

Once you've got an idea of what you want... as above, talk to your partner about it if at all possible.

Nonmonogamy is one possible solution - some people are uncomfortable being involved in BDSM themselves but quite OK with their partner getting those needs met elsewhere, whether by a pro or by another partner. (I'm in a nonmonogamous relationship myself, although not for that reason.)

That said, nonmonogamy is complex, it's a lot of work, and some people simply aren't 'wired' for it. If you and your partner can work out something that suits both of you, that's a lot easier and probably less risky.
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:04 AM   #3
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Oh yeah yeah. BDSM is not always a sexual activity... Okay, just imagine something 'bdsm' you did ended up on the front page of a mainstream newspaper and see how long you would get away with THAT particular delusion.

True, some people represent it as not sexual, and true also some people believe and act as though it isn't.

Unless you can be inside the minds of two people at once there is no way anyone is entitled to say it is not sexual. However they do say that and they will continue saying it because that is what people are like. Fucking stupid.

The dynamic of a BDSM component in a sexual relationship with another woman - I think nearly everyone who has experience of it is going to say that ANY relationship is about the relationship... That is, how much you like and get on with that person on all the levels that there are and so on. I mean not a lot is different between relationships between highly experienced people who are highly experienced when it comes to BDSM, and people who are in decent vanilla relationships. The only thing about skilled dominatrices is that they have a lot of technique and knowledge.

Can technique make up for what might be missing in the dynamic tensions of a relationship which started out as not based on a professional specifically BDSM footing? Well, yes, I think in some degree. Yes.

But there is still a lot about chemistry and natural relationship dynamics that is involved in any successful interaction.

I had a long and successful relationship with a woman who was a dominant lesbian (obviously bisexual since I am a male!) which was disrupted more by an unfortunate life circumstance (which I won't describe) than anything to do with the relationship at all - and she claimed and I believe her, that she could go to particular bars and clubs and tell very easily who was a potential submissive female partner. So I think you might want to cultivate the ability to try and intuit what females would fulfil the role you seek of such.

There's no question though that some professionals really are very highly skilled and knowledgeable and can provide dynamics and tension and resolution that would be satisfying. No doubt at all. But they are people too. Which is a good thing, actually.

BDSM is a highly cultivated art form in the hands of those who really know stuff. I do personally see it as a much much higher sex form than so-called vanilla sex. I know I tend to attract a lot of disagreement about this, but it really is an extension of vanilla sex and really only suitable to those who are capable of 'more...' Too many people think they can just 'do it' and that it is accessible to anyone. It isn't. And there are a lot of people who hurt themselves and others indulging in stupidity that passes for 'BDSM.'

Last edited by Desiremakesmeweak : 04-04-2013 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:58 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huntress2603
...I don't know what I'm looking for or what I *should* be looking for.
I was all set for a really snarky answer here, but I'm going to play nice. What you *should* be looking for is information at this point. REAL information. Not bullshit "Fifty Shades" romanticized nonsense. Get involved in your local education and support group. Depending on where you live, there should be one in town, or with an hour or so drive.

READ. Not fiction crap. SM How To books like "The Topping Book", "The Bottoming Book", "SM 101", "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", and many, many others. Read books on D/s dynamics and relationships.

There are online resources as well, but beware the bullshit artists who will fill your head with unrealistic expectations and nonsense.

Quote:
Should I be going to visit a dominatrix? But is there sex involved in that relationship or is it just BDSM stuff? Should I be looking for that dynamic in a sexual relationship with another woman?
In *most* (but not all) situations - a pro Dominatrix will NOT engage in any kind of penetrative sexual activity with a client. At ALL. Because in most jurisdictions if money is paid, and there is penetration, that = sex for money = prostitution.

Understand that "BDSM" is an umbrella term - Bondage & Discipline / Domination/submission / Sadism & Masochism... It covers anything from a little bedroom slap & tickle kinky sex to 24/7 total power exchange Master/slave relationships. Combinations thereof and anything in between. For many, many people "BDSM stuff" _IS_ the sex in the relationship and nothing else. For others, it's the service and submission, and not much for sex. For yet others, it's all about spanking. Or the rope. Or the fetish clothes. Or [_insert_whatever_gets_you_wet_hard_horny_etc].

So what works for me and mine may be utterly inapplicable for you in your situation.


Quote:
Again, I'm very confused and very un-informed so any help that I can get from the community here would be much, MUCH appreciated. Please feel free to answer here or PM me, if you prefer. Thanks in advance for your help!
I don't know that what I offer will be of much help unless you ask very specific questions. General questions are going to get a lot of "It depends on what you and your partner are looking for." If you can't answer that, you need to go back to them and start talking.

Good luck!
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Old 04-04-2013, 12:42 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Desiremakesmeweak View Post
Oh yeah yeah. BDSM is not always a sexual activity... Okay, just imagine something 'bdsm' you did ended up on the front page of a mainstream newspaper and see how long you would get away with THAT particular delusion.

True, some people represent it as not sexual, and true also some people believe and act as though it isn't.

Unless you can be inside the minds of two people at once there is no way anyone is entitled to say it is not sexual. However they do say that and they will continue saying it because that is what people are like. Fucking stupid.
Hi there!

My name's KoPilot, and I'm an ace BDSM practitioner. It looks like you're a bit confused here about what sex is, what it means and looks like, and what asexuality might be and look like, so let me help you out:

1. Here is my fist: if you would kindly run towards it so that I can punch you in the face with minimal effort.

2. Asexuality exists. Nonlibidoists exist. Some of us have sex, some of us don't. Those of us that do can sometimes be considered "sexual", sometimes not. If sex is a language, I speak it very poorly. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of poetry or complex thought, it just means I'm not going to bother writing sonnets in your language.

3. Intimacy =/= sex. A wet vagina or a hard penis =/= sex. Basically the only way your assertion can even begin to make any sort of sense is if you think there's some objective definition of sex. Protip: there fucking isn't.

4. You know what BDSM is about? BDSM! Power exchange! Pain! Service! Subjugation! Not so sure what's so inherently sexual about those themes? Do you not believe in things like relaxation, comfort, or fun? Or do they only exist while one is thinking about how hot penises in vaginas are or somesuch?

5. Look, I know that you feel like you have to justify being sex-obsessed in a sex-negative culture by insisting that everyone is just like you, but thinking stuff like that isn't going to get you far in life, I'm afraid. Also it makes you look really, really stupid. So stop it.
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:01 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by KoPilot View Post
Hi there!

My name's KoPilot, and I'm an ace BDSM practitioner. It looks like you're a bit confused here about what sex is, what it means and looks like, and what asexuality might be and look like, so let me help you out:

1. Here is my fist: if you would kindly run towards it so that I can punch you in the face with minimal effort.

2. Asexuality exists. Nonlibidoists exist. Some of us have sex, some of us don't. Those of us that do can sometimes be considered "sexual", sometimes not. If sex is a language, I speak it very poorly. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of poetry or complex thought, it just means I'm not going to bother writing sonnets in your language.

3. Intimacy =/= sex. A wet vagina or a hard penis =/= sex. Basically the only way your assertion can even begin to make any sort of sense is if you think there's some objective definition of sex. Protip: there fucking isn't.

4. You know what BDSM is about? BDSM! Power exchange! Pain! Service! Subjugation! Not so sure what's so inherently sexual about those themes? Do you not believe in things like relaxation, comfort, or fun? Or do they only exist while one is thinking about how hot penises in vaginas are or somesuch?

5. Look, I know that you feel like you have to justify being sex-obsessed in a sex-negative culture by insisting that everyone is just like you, but thinking stuff like that isn't going to get you far in life, I'm afraid. Also it makes you look really, really stupid. So stop it.
Thank you. I was going to say something because really BDSM does not have to be sexual.
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Old 04-05-2013, 03:32 PM   #7
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And at the same time, it fucking well CAN be sexual. It depends on the individual. I don't do non-sexual BDSM, myself, except once in a while at a play party with someone who only wants some impact. It is pleasant but not totally satisfying for me, YMMV, but don't let anyone shame you for your own needs.

I didn't actually get an idea of what you yourself are looking for as far as that goes. You have to know that, and you have to let prospective partners know. BDSM is more complicated than vanilla sex both physically and emotionally, and kinked people don't get so much cultural validation or support for our needs and preferences. So we have to take care of a lot of that ourselves.

I'm going to echo Geoff's suggestions;
The new Topping book
The New Bottoming Book (read both please, no matter which side of the fence you feel you might sit)
Screw the roses send me the thorns
BDSM 101

They are among the earliest books published and still the best....

Also, read the essay linked to in my sig. It might ring true for you, maybe not, maybe parts of it.
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:36 PM   #8
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Wow, there's a *lot* of great stuff here. Every response had something thoughtful and informative.

Desiremakesmeweak: What you wrote about BDSM being a higher sex form...that was a huge "A-HA!" moment for me. My view of a BDSM relationship is that it is more intense and more involved. There seems to be, I think, a higher degree of responsibility required from the participants. It's not people spanking each other because they get off on it. But I don't think I really realized that until I read what you wrote, so that helps me to understand what I think I might be looking for.

Without giving you my life's story, I have been struggling with trust issues lately. Strangely, I'm not having issues with my partner...I trust her deeply. She's incredible. But I was hurt by somebody I used to love and I'm realizing that it has affected my life in more ways that I thought. I don't know, I need to dive deeper into this but you have helped to give me some good food for thought, Desire!

Stella: that essay was awesome. It provided an important knowledge foundation that was missing before I read it. It should be required information for anybody looking to get involved in BDSM. It has complicated my search for greater understanding of what I want from BDSM but that's not a bad thing. I know myself a little bit better, thanks to those definitions.

Here's one thing I neglected to mention earlier: my girlfriend was actually a practicing Dom at one point in her life and we have experimented with *very* mild BDSM. So, the obvious question is, why am I not having this discussion with her??? The fact is, I don't know how I want to incorporate that into our relationship. We already struggle with issues related to our roles in the partnership. At this point, it seems like introducing BDSM to a great degree would *really* complicate things. Or maybe it wouldn't. But I just feel that I have to answer some questions about myself before I complicate my relationship.

The other possible reason - and I'm thinking this up off the top of my head, so the theory isn't fully formed yet - goes back to the trust thing. I don't trust a lot of people but I know that I could trust somebody like a dominatrix because, if they're a professional or someone who is really serious about the role, that's something that is inherent in the D/s relationship. So perhaps I'm looking for something that I don't feel I have from other people in my life?

Anyway, you have all provided great information that I will use in my journey and I appreciate it more than I can say. Thanks very much and I look forward to seeing more of you all on the boards here!
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:39 PM   #9
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First, I want to make it clear that I am bi-sexual and currently living with a woman. At this point, I am interested only in women.
Can anyone tell me why it seems that bi-sexuals have the urge to mention it all the time? Do they go to Burger King and order like:"Hey, a double stacker, I'm bi-sexual.", too?
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:51 PM   #10
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Can anyone tell me why it seems that bi-sexuals have the urge to mention it all the time? Do they go to Burger King and order like:"Hey, a double stacker, I'm bi-sexual.", too?
Because you never hear from the ones that don't say anything about it. That's why it seems so.
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:52 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Desiremakesmeweak View Post
Oh yeah yeah. BDSM is not always a sexual activity... Okay, just imagine something 'bdsm' you did ended up on the front page of a mainstream newspaper and see how long you would get away with THAT particular delusion.
Mainstream newspapers print a lot of bullshit.

The perception of BDSM as a 100% sexual activity is certainly a risk that needs to be managed - and I already mentioned that issue, just one paragraph below the bit where I said "BDSM is not always a sexual activity". But the fact that uninformed people believe BDSM is always sexual doesn't make it so.

Pain can trigger an endorphin rush, which is very pleasurable for some people without necessarily being sexualised. Some folk get that rush from physical exercise, some get it from being flogged. Me, I get it from shiatsu massage: after about ten minutes of "OW FUCK THAT HURTS" I'm off in my happy place, and it certainly isn't a sexual experience for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desiremakesmeweak View Post
Unless you can be inside the minds of two people at once there is no way anyone is entitled to say it is not sexual.
People have to be telepathic before they're allowed to say they enjoy pain without being aroused by it? That seems like an unnecessarily high bar. Under that standard it seems like we could hardly talk about personal relationships at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desiremakesmeweak View Post
BDSM is a highly cultivated art form in the hands of those who really know stuff. I do personally see it as a much much higher sex form than so-called vanilla sex.
What precisely do you mean by "higher" here?
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:53 PM   #12
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Can anyone tell me why it seems that bi-sexuals have the urge to mention it all the time? Do they go to Burger King and order like:"Hey, a double stacker, I'm bi-sexual.", too?
Ha! Very good point. I wouldn't normally do that but I thought it was relevant to the post.

And now I feel like this is going to be stuck in my head so that the next time I go to Burger King, I'm going to inadvertently tell the person at the counter that I'm a bi-sexual!
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:56 PM   #13
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Here's one thing I neglected to mention earlier: my girlfriend was actually a practicing Dom at one point in her life and we have experimented with *very* mild BDSM. So, the obvious question is, why am I not having this discussion with her??? The fact is, I don't know how I want to incorporate that into our relationship. We already struggle with issues related to our roles in the partnership. At this point, it seems like introducing BDSM to a great degree would *really* complicate things. Or maybe it wouldn't. But I just feel that I have to answer some questions about myself before I complicate my relationship.
Although we most of us want so desperately to become a 24/7 Owned, Naked, Slave Of Sexx when we first hear about it-- it's not necessarily the way you need to go.

Talk to her. She deserves first crack at you. So to speak.
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:09 PM   #14
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Lots of questions

@Huntress 2603

A couple of points:

First, the kink world (AKA BDSM) is characterized IMHO by two characteristics beyond the obvious:
1) everything is consensual, discussed and negotiated up front and openly. COMMUNICATION
2) the CONNECTION with your partner is valued more strongly than the sex (this doesn't diminish the sex - it actually makes it better).

You've described yourself as in charge all the time and tired of it. That is the profile of a person who is looking for a partner to take charge. "Let me sit back and let someone else drive for a while."

It doesn't have to mean harshness, it doesn't have to mean being tied up, it doesn't have to mean pain or degradation or a lot of other stuff. The only kink need you've really shown is the need for someone to take charge for a while and tell you what to do. How far down that path you choose to go is something you need to decide for yourself - only as you learn what each step means.
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:15 PM   #15
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Although we most of us want so desperately to become a 24/7 Owned, Naked, Slave Of Sexx when we first hear about it-- it's not necessarily the way you need to go.

Well, we're raising my two sons so being a 24/7 Owned, Naked, Slave of Sexx would raise some questions. :-) But I do know what you mean. And, truthfully, my first reaction to that is that I would *never* want it. Not that there's anything wrong with it or with people who *do* want it...it's just not who I am. I could never submit to someone 24/7. I want things MY way. I can be rather demanding. In most of my life, this has served me well. I think that what I'm craving is the opportunity to let go of that sometimes. It gets exhausting to be "in charge".

Talk to her. She deserves first crack at you. So to speak.
;-) You're right. She's incredibly insightful and knows me better than I know myself. She's not afraid to confront me with uncomfortable truths (like how my narcissistic tendencies make her feel at times). I think she could help me on this journey. I don't know why I feel shy or uncomfortable with that, though.
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:19 PM   #16
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My view of a BDSM relationship is that it is more intense and more involved. There seems to be, I think, a higher degree of responsibility required from the participants. It's not people spanking each other because they get off on it.
*sighs*

You can't watch the pottery scene in Ghost and proclaim:"So..THIS is sex. I'm glad that sex is not picking up guys from a bar for a one-night-stand or an assfuck on the kitchen table."



Quote:
Here's one thing I neglected to mention earlier: my girlfriend was actually a practicing Dom at one point in her life and we have experimented with *very* mild BDSM. So, the obvious question is, why am I not having this discussion with her???
Because you are not a job?
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:27 PM   #17
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@Huntress 2603

A couple of points:

First, the kink world (AKA BDSM) is characterized IMHO by two characteristics beyond the obvious:
1) everything is consensual, discussed and negotiated up front and openly. COMMUNICATION
2) the CONNECTION with your partner is valued more strongly than the sex (this doesn't diminish the sex - it actually makes it better).

You've described yourself as in charge all the time and tired of it. That is the profile of a person who is looking for a partner to take charge. "Let me sit back and let someone else drive for a while."

It doesn't have to mean harshness, it doesn't have to mean being tied up, it doesn't have to mean pain or degradation or a lot of other stuff. The only kink need you've really shown is the need for someone to take charge for a while and tell you what to do. How far down that path you choose to go is something you need to decide for yourself - only as you learn what each step means.
I get what you're saying and there was a time in my life where that was probably all that I was looking for. But I'm looking for something deeper, I think. I don't know what but I do know that just letting someone take charge from time to time isn't enough, it's not satisfying my urges.

And I am genuinely turned on by some of the harshness associated with BDSM. I guess I always have been but I always considered it to be "playful". I now realize that I want more force and pain from a partner than what most people would consider to be "normal".
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:38 PM   #18
Stella_Omega
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;-) You're right. She's incredibly insightful and knows me better than I know myself. She's not afraid to confront me with uncomfortable truths (like how my narcissistic tendencies make her feel at times). I think she could help me on this journey. I don't know why I feel shy or uncomfortable with that, though.
I think a lot of us do-- we don't want to rock the boat of our relationship. It's scary! We have it all worked out! It ain't broke, and we don't want to fix it...

In short, I totally know how that feels.
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:20 PM   #19
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Before I go any further, I'd like to state upfront that I've never practiced BDSM intentionally (it's complicated) and that I probably never will either. That said, lets get down to business.

I think it's funny that no one has addressed the physical or emotional demands that are placed upon a good Dom. It's a lot of hard work and requires a fair amount of creativity to set up a believable scenario in which the sub can get lost. It's an act of love and would go a long ways in helping you overcome your trust issues both romantic and otherwise. Why are you even considering bringing someone from the outside into your relationship, especially without talking to your girlfriend first?

Before that can happen though, the sub has to be in an appropriate mental state. Omission of important information from your first and previous posts suggests that there's something fishy going on in your backyard. I'm not sure about anyone else but I smell an imminent break-up on the horizon.

The fact that you're talking about this with complete strangers over the internet instead of your current sexual partner who just happens to be an ex-Dom is a pretty good indicator that your relationship is on the fritz. The first thing you need to do before you explore your urges any further is too talk to your partner. You've got two little boys at risk of growing up in a broken home in addition to your romantic relationship failing completely. Your issues go so far beyond wanting your nipples clamped that you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your life and what you want from it before you bring BDSM into it.

I recommend counseling of some-sort. You clearly need someone to ask you leading questions before you'd willingly open up. You've cleared the first step in admitting that something is missing and that you're looking for something more.

Lastly, the Literotica forums is not the place where you should be asking for advice pertaining to important life decisions. While there are some intelligent and knowledgeable people on here, they are easily and often lost in the sea of people who are thinking to themselves: "I'd really like to smack her ass and put it in her butt; sounds like she'd be agreeable too."
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Old 04-05-2013, 09:23 PM   #20
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I've never practiced BDSM intentionally
And that's all we really need to know.

I would be honestly and sympathetically interested in how you practiced it un-intentionally. But that would be a different thread, I think.
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Old 04-05-2013, 09:52 PM   #21
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Shawn, thanks for your feedback. It's true, our relationship is in a challenging spot right now, but I don't think we're in danger of breaking up. She's in a Master's program and this semester has been brutal. She knew it would be this rough at the start of school and we talked a lot about how the demands would affect our relationship. It's been rough, to be sure, but I'm happy and proud to support her. I know that sounds trite, but this degree means a lot to her so the short term sacrifice is worth it to me. I want to explore BDSM but I can't lay this on her now. We'll explore it together when her workload is eased but it's not possible now and I'm OK with that.

I don't want to pursue someone else. This wouldn't be a "hook up" for me. I had asked about a dominatrix because I thought a professional relationship would help to teach me more about BDSM and help to satisfy some of my needs, which I discussed earlier. And, quite honestly, my g/f hasn't worked as a Dom in quite a while. When we do explore further, it will be a learning experience for her, as well, since she might be a little rusty ;-)

Last edited by Huntress2603 : 04-05-2013 at 10:15 PM.
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:08 PM   #22
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And that's all we really need to know.

I would be honestly and sympathetically interested in how you practiced it un-intentionally. But that would be a different thread, I think.
This right here is an example of the ignorance that proliferates the board (I just accused you of not knowing stuff and then said it was common among the forum users).

You should seek professional help for your emotional trauma before you heap another layer of complexity onto your psyche (I said she should get someone to help her with her problems before she adds more issues to her plate).

BDSM should be the least of your worries; your relationship should come first (I don't need to dumb this down for you too, do I Stella?).

Good advice is good whether or not it comes from someone who has or has not explicitly dealt with the situation being brought up. I suggest you stick to playing sub and advising on the best way to relax your anus rather than speaking at the grown-up table.

dictionary(d0t)com and http://www(d0t)merriam-webster(d0t)com/dictionary if you need help understanding what it is I tried to communicate to you.
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:23 PM   #23
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Shawn, thanks for your feedback. It's true, our relationship is in a challenging spot right now, but I don't think we're in danger of breaking up. She's in a Master's program and this semester has been brutal. She knew it would be this rough at the start of school and we talked a lot about how the demands would affect our relationship. It's been rough, to be sure, but I'm happy and proud to support her. I know that sounds, but this degree means a lot to her so the short term sacrifice is worth it to me. I want to explore BDSM but I can't lay this on her now. We'll explore it together when her workload is eased but it's not possible now and I'm OK with that.

I don't want to pursue someone else. This wouldn't be a "hook up" for me. I had asked about a dominatrix because I thought a professional relationship would help to teach me more about BDSM and help to satisfy some of my needs, which I discussed earlier. And, quite honestly, my g/f hasn't worked as a Dom in quite a while. When we do explore further, it will be a learning experience for her, as well, since she might be a little rusty ;-)
This is what we needed to know. If she expressed interest in BDSM in the past, she may do so now. Bet she finds time for you anyway *cough* study-break *cough*. Have some faith in those you love honey.

I still recommend a couple of sessions with a professional just so you can explore your trust issues and figure out what you need to do to resolve them. We're not, for the most part health-care professionals here on Literotica and we cannot accurately gauge your emotional well-being while attempting to offer sound advice.

I hope you get yourself sorted out and I hope that you and your girlfriend have some fun with whips and chains. Sorry if I came off as abrasive but in my mind, it's easier to be blunt. Not so sorry for the verbal eviscerating I gave Stella though; she needed to come down a peg and join the rest of us mere mortals here on earth.
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:30 PM   #24
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Not so sorry for the verbal eviscerating I gave Stella though; she needed to come down a peg and join the rest of us mere mortals here on earth.

*settles in with comfy chair and popcorn and large frappe*
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:46 PM   #25
Stella_Omega
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*settles in with comfy chair and popcorn and large frappe*
Can I cuddle in with you? Dude's going to have to box his own shadow, there. He can announce how he's given himself a KO and we'll all believe him.

*snitches popcorn*
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