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Old 03-30-2013, 05:42 AM   #1
Susanlk16
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Young and unexperienced. Questions regarding bdsm.

Hello, my name is Susan. I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I have just recently discovered the world of bdsm and have known about my submissive desires for a long time. I am very frightened and confused by everything about me and that fact that I am interested in this. I can't really talk to my parents about it and I'm afraid that my friends at school would be mortified. I also have not had any other relationships and don't have any "normal" experiences to even compare to. It all seems so new and scary yet I feel myself drawn to it. I was just wondering how anyone would suggest that you get started and actually meet others that have these interests. Also, a part of me is scared after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme. I'd love to have more understanding of this and whether it's real and actually done. Is it safe and legal always? I have read Fifty Shades of Grey and that seems to confuse me even more. In the book, the only reason he is interested in bdsm is because he had a traumatic childhood. They make it out to seem like there is something wrong with you if you are like that and I'm wondering if that's true. Just looking for some insight. Also, could you please tell me if you are a dominant or submissive? Just want to know what perspective I'm getting! Thanks for any and all help! I could really use it and it would mean a great deal to me.
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:51 AM   #2
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Hi Susan and welcome to Lit.

Yes, there are a lot of stories on Lit, some of them very far outside what most consider normal. Like 50 Shades of Gray, they are works of erotic fantasy and so vary between some semblance of reality to none at all. 50 Shades tends to be a held in some contempt by most BDSM people, not only for the poor writing quality, but for the fact that all the people in the book who practice BDSM are portrayed as mentally or emotionally unstable in some way. No, most people are not into BDSM as a by product of abuse.

The trick is to find stories that you find work for you, then figure out exactly why they push your buttons. Are you drawn more to bondage? What kind, rope, cuffs? Do you like humiliation stories? Spanking? Nipple clamps or electro play??

Figure out what you are drawn to then do some factual reading to learn more about it. There is an excellent Lit resource with a wide variety of book links to help you get started...I'm sure one of our other BDSM community members will probably link it for you, as I'm hopeless with stuff like that.

All the reading in the world is great, but we understand that doesn't help much compared to actually talking to people. So ask your questions of the people here if you aren't ready to find you local community yet. There are so many flavours of kink here, there will be someone who can answer you, no matter the question.

If you are interested in meeting people in the community, Fetlife is a great resource. There you'll be able to find events, classes and meet-ups in your local area (commonly referred to as a much, usually held in a public place, just a casual way to meet and get to know other kinky people in a neutral way).

Next point and probably the most important. Safety. Always look after yourself first. Submissive does not mean stupid, it does not mean you have no right to say no, it is not the same as abuse, it does not mean you leave common sense at the door at the first sign of a dominant who promises to look after you. All the care and precautions you would normally take when dating still apply, and then double them. You don't do things that make you feel unsure, if you have doubts. Not at the beginning when it's all new. Those games come later, with people you absolutely know you can trust with your life and your health.

As for me, I'm a switch. Someone who is both dominant and submissive.

Anyway, welcome. And enjoy. BDSM is a lifetime of learning, but no-one who plays will tell you it's effort badly spent.
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:55 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Hello, my name is Susan. I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I have just recently discovered the world of bdsm and have known about my submissive desires for a long time. I am very frightened and confused by everything about me and that fact that I am interested in this. I can't really talk to my parents about it and I'm afraid that my friends at school would be mortified. I also have not had any other relationships and don't have any "normal" experiences to even compare to. It all seems so new and scary yet I feel myself drawn to it. I was just wondering how anyone would suggest that you get started and actually meet others that have these interests. Also, a part of me is scared after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme. I'd love to have more understanding of this and whether it's real and actually done. Is it safe and legal always? I have read Fifty Shades of Grey and that seems to confuse me even more. In the book, the only reason he is interested in bdsm is because he had a traumatic childhood. They make it out to seem like there is something wrong with you if you are like that and I'm wondering if that's true. Just looking for some insight. Also, could you please tell me if you are a dominant or submissive? Just want to know what perspective I'm getting! Thanks for any and all help! I could really use it and it would mean a great deal to me.
Hi Susan. I'm a sub like you.

There are many people on this site who will be able to give you a lot of good advice in your situation, but the first thing will be to say that fifty shades is not a good example of a bdsm relationship. As you say, it gives the impression that anyone with dominant or submissive desires is damaged in some way, but that is simply not the case. Please do not think that there is anything remotely 'wrong' about the way you feel. I have had submissive desires since childhood and have been lucky enough to marry a man who fulfils them for me. I have a happy marriage, I've had a good education and I run my own successful business, and I like being completely submissive to my DH in private. I don't think there's anything wrong with me at all! I understand that your desires can be confusing to you - mine were to me. I thought I was the only person in the world who felt like I did, and a couple of unfortunate sexual encounters in my youth where my latent submission was scorned didn't help . You, however, are luckier than me in that you have found this site which will give you support and reassurance that you are not unique.

I'm sure that those who are more experienced than I am will be able to suggest ways that you can read up about the lifestyle before you explore in a real life situation. The Internet can be a very useful tool if you are told where to get the good stuff! Also, I cannot advise how to go about getting a real life experience but I'm sure that others will be able to tell you how to approach this in a way that ensures you keep safe and allows you to explore your sexuality at your own pace. Good luck, enjoy, and hopefully you will be able to let us know how things progress for you
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:24 AM   #4
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Hello Susan. I have been a sub for about 5 years and even I still do not know everything there is to know. Like it was said you can do alot of research online for the specific things you like, but in my own experience it just kind of happened naturally. When I met the man I am with today, who is a dom, before we even did anything I simply asked him what he liked to get the feel for if he would be willing to indulge me in my own fantasies. Of course after him telling me he likes to dominate i screamed thank god in my head haha. You are still very young and you shouldn't rush into anything, start off slow and work your way up as you learn but always to be honest and forthcoming to any man you are with because believe it or not sex is a key element in the success of a relationship and you need to be able to express yourself in the way that makes you happy. If you ever have any questions or just want to talk please feel free to send me a message and I will be glad to help.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:48 AM   #5
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I don't have time for a proper reply at the moment, but I would sincerely suggest ignoring any private or public offers to "train" or "teach" you.

An 18 year old girl, confused but interested in kink/BDSM, tends to bring out the online wolves (horny net geeks; HNG for short) - HNG's rarely have anyone else's best interest at heart.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:49 AM   #6
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Susan,

First of all let me welcome you to Lit. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to learn that a lot of people are here just like you, to learn about themselves. While unfortunately I cannot help you with meeting people locally, I recommend using Lit to meet people with compatable interests and exploring those interests together. I recommend the role play forum for this.

A few things I feel I should point out, even though I myself am rather new to this world, as has been indicated above BDSM does not equal abuse, not does it mean something is wrong with you. I personally believe most people have a plethora of fetishes and BDSM, when done properly, is one of the safest. Also I feel, as a switch, that being sub does not mean being a slut. Along with that one off the things I find most attractive, and I believe I speak for most other men when I say this, is confidence. I get excited just thinking about a confident sub. The flip side of that is that even Tops have insecurities too. But that is the great thing about a healthy BDSM relationship, because I believed the best way to become confident in yourself is to know yourself and your limits. In a healthy BDSM relationship you aught to be able to not only explore those limits but also discuss them in a calm, understanding environment.

Finally I wish you good luck in you self exploration. Be safe (always have a safe word) and don't forget that the whole purpose is enjoyment. If you ever do decide to visit the role play forum, our even if you just want to talk, feel free to drop me a line.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:55 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
I don't have time for a proper reply at the moment, but I would sincerely suggest ignoring any private or public offers to "train" or "teach" you.

An 18 year old girl, confused but interested in kink/BDSM, tends to bring out the online wolves (horny net geeks; HNG for short) - HNG's rarely have anyone else's best interest at heart.
I did not say "teach" or "train" just to point that out. I merely offered to answer any questions she may have. When I first joined this site a few years back under another name I was embarrassed to post some of the questions I had and I had somebody who offered to listen to my questions privately and help me with advice that made me much more comfortable and that person in no way tried to take advantage of that fact. Not everybody is out for themselves as you seem to think. I merely offer the same courtesy that was given to me.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:57 AM   #8
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I'm putting your last paragraph, and my answer to it, first, because that will influence my responses and may influence your reactions to those responses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Also, could you please tell me if you are a dominant or submissive? Just want to know what perspective I'm getting! Thanks for any and all help! I could really use it and it would mean a great deal to me.
Hello, Susan, and welcome to what I feel (IMNSHO) is the absolute best BDSM forum on the 'Net. I've been here for >8 years, after years of searching for a forum to connect with other BDSMers.

As for me, I'm neither Dominant or submissive; I'm a sadist with *some* tendencies toward dominance, but primarily only in the realm of my sexual sadism.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Hello, my name is Susan. I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I have just recently discovered the world of bdsm [but I] have known about my submissive desires for a long time. I am very frightened and confused by everything about me and that fact that I am interested in this. I can't really talk to my parents about it and I'm afraid that my friends at school would be mortified. I also have not had any other relationships and don't have any "normal" experiences to even compare to.
Like you, I was aware of my sadistic desires (and needs) long before I "discovered" the world of BDSM. In fact, I discovered that world before "BDSM" became popular/known as a designator (late 1980s or early 1990s, though the term is believed to have been first used in 1969). When I first began searching for other, more experienced, people like myself, who enjoyed giving - or receiving - pain, the only organized groups I could locate were leather groups, primarily gay men, though some of them were kind enough to steer me toward small, semi-organized hetero or mixed-preference social groups.

I was also lucky to find a few individual girls in my mid- to late-teen and early-20s years who matched my sadistic desires with their own masochistic/submissive desires/needs. (And a few who didn't, but strangely, that worked for me, because a couple of them blabbed to friends who (quietly) had those maso/sub desires, and found ways to hint to me that they were interested in me without being specific as to why. It didn't take me too long to figure out, though, since a quick smack on the bottom was a not-uncommon occurrence for me.

As an ex-teacher, I sadly have to admit to you that seeking guidance from a school counselor is more likely than not to have negative results for you. The vast majority of them are about as hide-bound and conservative as members of the Southern Baptist clergy, and would more likely report your inquiries to your parents or the Department of Children and Families (for suspected child abuse) than actually guide you toward information that could be helpful to you. I presume from your writing ability that you intend to attend college next year...? If so, you will have *many* more opportunities to seek information and guidance in this arena, from campus (or off-campus, but still "affiliated with" your school) BDSM groups to counselors (campus health service) with a more cosmopolitan viewpoint, and perhaps even a next-gen BDSM group. Even if you're not going to college, you're shown as being in the Dallas area; I'm almost positive you can find a next-gen group in that area, and/or a kink-friendly professional counselor who can help you navigate your way into a better understanding of your needs and desires.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
It all seems so new and scary yet I feel myself drawn to it. I was just wondering how anyone would suggest that you get started and actually meet others that have these interests.
See the long-winded paragraph above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Also, a part of me is scared after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme. I'd love to have more understanding of this and whether it's real and actually done. Is it safe and legal always?
99% of the stories in the BDSM genre (not just here - of ALL of them) are pure-dee bullshit fantasies (even mine). They're written primarily to excite, and almost never to educate. Stella or Cutie Mouse or someone will come along shortly and recommend some (non-fiction) books for you to read to learn more about the real world of BDSM. They're available via Amazon and/or other reliable sources.

Safe and legal always? Hell, NO! In most states, much of what I do as a sexual sadist is considered, at the *least,* battery or sexual battery, even though the receiver of my attentions has agreed to, requested, or demanded those attentions. Much of B&D, and some D/s, are also considered illegal in many if not most states, despite prior informed consent from the bottoms. (If you're not familiar with Tops/bottoms, etc., seek out one of Stella Omega's posts and read the essay from her signature.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
I have read Fifty Shades of Grey and that seems to confuse me even more. In the book, the only reason he is interested in bdsm is because he had a traumatic childhood. They make it out to seem like there is something wrong with you if you are like that and I'm wondering if that's true. Just looking for some insight.
Some people never have any facet of BDSM enter their lives, and don't miss or need it at all. Those people are "normal."

Some people experiment with some facets of BDSM because it seems new and exciting to them. Some of them keep those facets in their sex lives because they enjoy them to some extent. Those people are "normal."

Some people are essentially *hard-wired* to need elements of BDSM in their lives - either their sex lives or their lives, period. They're normal, too, just in a different way than the people in the two paragraphs above. My personal attitude is that what is right for you, is natural and needed for you to live your life to the fullest, is normal. As I mentioned in the Sadist's Guilt thread (somewhere on this page), I felt guilt the first time I spanked a girl hard enough to make her cry, and had determined never to do it again. It took her five minutes (or less) to show me that what gave us both pleasure was *good for us,* no matter what conventional morals might state.

Please, do your best not to let other people determine what works for you in *YOUR* life.

Good luck to you!
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:03 AM   #9
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I did not say "teach" or "train" just to point that out. I merely offered to answer any questions she may have. When I first joined this site a few years back under another name I was embarrassed to post some of the questions I had and I had somebody who offered to listen to my questions privately and help me with advice that made me much more comfortable and that person in no way tried to take advantage of that fact. Not everybody is out for themselves as you seem to think. I merely offer the same courtesy that was given to me.
Angeleyes, I'm 99.9999% cetain that CM's response was not "aimed" at yours, merely a rushed response that happened to follow yours before she charges off to work this morning, and a warning to the OP that someone who offers to "teach" or "train" the OP might have only their own selfish interests in mind, and not hers.
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:05 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angeleyes612 View Post
I did not say "teach" or "train" just to point that out. I merely offered to answer any questions she may have. When I first joined this site a few years back under another name I was embarrassed to post some of the questions I had and I had somebody who offered to listen to my questions privately and help me with advice that made me much more comfortable and that person in no way tried to take advantage of that fact. Not everybody is out for themselves as you seem to think. I merely offer the same courtesy that was given to me.
I can't speak for Cutie Mouse, but I don't think she was referring to you. You gave some good advice and she just added her input.

Sadly we have to be careful because the handful of jerks out there make life complicated for those of us who are here with good intentions.
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:26 AM   #11
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Speaking of stories, Culture Shock on literotica is actually pretty good, it describes the journey of a young girl into bdsm: http://www.literotica.com/s/culture-shock

That said, there are a lot of nonfictional literature on bdsm out there that would be very helpful, some common suggestions are SM101, The Ethical Slut, The New Bottoming Book.

Like everyone else before me, I will stress the importance of safety. This is especially important if you want to engage in activities where you will be bound or physically hurt (if you enjoy pain, that is).

What I will also stress is that NEVER let anyone tell you "this is what you are supposed to do if you are a sub" or "this is the right way bdsm is done". Being submissive is a wide spectrum, from being a bit bratty in bed at times to being a slave. Only do what you are comfortable doing with the people you are comfortable with.

And finally, there are local munches you can go to, to chat with bdsm people in a vanilla setting. Alternatively if you are dating and having sex with a partner, hopefully if you are comfortable enough with having sex, you'll be comfortable enough to mention some on your fantasies and see if they would oblige. Though of course you may want to wait until you leave high school, where kids can be quite immature and intolerant.
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Old 03-30-2013, 12:42 PM   #12
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I'm curious how an 18-year old would have a sophisticated enough experience in language and literature to use the word "mortified" correctly and then fail to use "scared" correctly. The makes me wonder about the authenticity of the OP. But then I'm just a crusty old linguist who finds clues in the oddest places.
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:12 PM   #13
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From my experience as a high school English/journalism teacher, I would venture to guess that she is in a higher-level, perhaps even AP English class/program. I had a number of AP and IB (International Baccalaureate, higher level than AP) students in both my print and broadcast journalism programs, and found that while their usage of more sophisticated words/phrases was almost always spot-on, they still tended often to use simpler terms in a manner very similar to that of their age peers despite their more advanced vocabularies. It seemed to me that they *thought* a little more about how they used those more complex words/phrases/ideas than they did about everyday speech.

But that might just be my experience and impressions, now 15+ years and 1500 miles gone...
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:28 PM   #14
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From my experience as a high school English/journalism teacher, I would venture to guess that she is in a higher-level, perhaps even AP English class/program. I had a number of AP and IB (International Baccalaureate, higher level than AP) students in both my print and broadcast journalism programs, and found that while their usage of more sophisticated words/phrases was almost always spot-on, they still tended often to use simpler terms in a manner very similar to that of their age peers despite their more advanced vocabularies. It seemed to me that they *thought* a little more about how they used those more complex words/phrases/ideas than they did about everyday speech.

But that might just be my experience and impressions, now 15+ years and 1500 miles gone...
I had the same experience with very bright students. I'm still skeptical. The whole post is otherwise too neatly drawn for my sense of authenticity.
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:47 PM   #15
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It would be nice to see a response from OP?...
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:56 PM   #16
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I'm curious how an 18-year old would have a sophisticated enough experience in language and literature to use the word "mortified" correctly and then fail to use "scared" correctly. The makes me wonder about the authenticity of the OP. But then I'm just a crusty old linguist who finds clues in the oddest places.
She used "mortified" correctly because it's not a word in common usage. She used "scared" in the way she and her peers use it.

OP, read the essay in my signature, for some insight into one small aspect of this lifestyle-- also, remember that it's not your lifestyle yet, it's a set of activities that you are exploring.

Some books that might help you out;

When someone you love is kinky is a very gentle well-written explanation of SOME-- not all-- of the reasons and ways people practice BDSM. (that "someone you love" might be yourself)

The three books that I recommend most often are;

The new topping book,
The new bottoming book,
Screw the roses, send me the thorns.


I ask people to read the topping and bottoming books both-- no matter which side of things they expect to be.
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Old 03-30-2013, 02:10 PM   #17
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I must ask: "Also, a part of me is scared" -- why is this improper use of the word "scared"?

Scare: to fill, especially suddenly, with fear or terror; frighten; alarm

"Also, a part of me is filled suddenly with fear" seems alright to me...
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Old 03-30-2013, 03:03 PM   #18
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I'm curious how an 18-year old would have a sophisticated enough experience in language and literature to use the word "mortified" correctly and then fail to use "scared" correctly. The makes me wonder about the authenticity of the OP. But then I'm just a crusty old linguist who finds clues in the oddest places.
She used scared in a colloquial totally normal way, and I could have written that par. at 18. If anything I get less and less coherent.

I generally think that people should figure out vanilla sex first in almost all cases. Yes Dom and sub are hard wired and blah and blah, but most people don't know how to be objective about what's good for them when they're full of sex hormones and new to the game. It's totally normal to want to feel sexually swept up and overwhelmed - you may have always wanted to be the caught robber in those little games of the past, but I *strongly* urge you to pretend you're meeting yourself for the first time as often as possible and see where desire takes you. You'll be surprised if you don't edit yourself down pre-emptively completely.

That said, it's wise not to get serious with someone who's grossed out by the whole idea of BDSM, so make that part of your package.

I'm generally dominant and I like doing mean things to eager people, for what that's worth, but I switch off with one person and he with me. As for normalcy, I find the idea completely overrated. So what if you are not? Does the world end? No.

I don't think that there's more or less mental health among the practitioners of kink than the rest of the world - but consider how prevalent problems are period.
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Old 03-30-2013, 03:13 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
I had the same experience with very bright students. I'm still skeptical. The whole post is otherwise too neatly drawn for my sense of authenticity.
I'm with you. Smells like a goof.

I cant name a freshly minted college grad, let alone a high schooler, who's close to literate or articulate.
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Old 03-30-2013, 04:16 PM   #20
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We get literate and illiterate types in here, but more and more I feel that genuine seekers deserve respect for asking. And they deserve answers to their questions -- especially when bad information, or none, can lead to harm.

Sometimes the trick is noticing that someone has asked the wrong question.

Sometimes people really are trolls. But given the culture of the moment, those generally are not pretending to be young women feeling fearful. And they probably wouldn't get the bite they think they're baited for.
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Old 03-30-2013, 04:33 PM   #21
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:00 PM   #22
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Hey guys! Sorry it has taken so long to respond. Thank you so much to everyone for all the advice. It means so much to me and is really helpful. I have to say that my feelings are hurt about the whole language thing and that's one of the reasons I haven't responded sooner. I really just like to write and have been writing for a long time. I also read a lot and I am in AP english. Anyway, just wanted you to know I'm still here! I will post individual responses shortly. Thanks again to everyone!
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:15 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
I'm curious how an 18-year old would have a sophisticated enough experience in language and literature to use the word "mortified" correctly and then fail to use "scared" correctly. The makes me wonder about the authenticity of the OP. But then I'm just a crusty old linguist who finds clues in the oddest places.
Please assist me MWY, for I have not been able to determine just how the OP used the word "scared" incorrectly. It appears Google is not my friend today.

And for what it's worth, I think this post is very genuine. Coulda been me a few years ago (almost was but it took me longer than that to delurk). I just find it interesting, as I'm just-turned-four years older than OP, and I know that while I am very literate I do enjoy bending the rules I have never been called out on that here or been deemed unauthentic.


Anyways, welcome Susan! I suggest you view Fifty Shades as a bad rom-com, coz that's really the most flattering thing I can say about that book. I too started to learn about BDSM through erotica (plus pornography). Problem is that stuff ain't real. Some is realistic, but a good portion is extreme fantasy, without real life concern. That stuff scared a big part of me too, and sometimes still does, but now there's an equally big part that can just sit back and enjoy the pleasure that it gives me (thanks Sir Winston ).

I agree with Netzach in regards to exploring real-life BDSM: get some vanilla experience first. It you haven't already, I highly recommend perusing the library here to get an idea of how real people that do real BDSM feel about what they do. I discovered a lot of gold in those libraries and I think you will too.

Just to confuse you, I'm neither dominant nor submissive (I do enjoy roleplaying both though!) Since I switch I both top and bottom, through primarily bottom. I also second Sir Winston's recommendation of reading Stella's essay; it's required reading for all newbies around here.
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:38 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Hey guys! Sorry it has taken so long to respond. Thank you so much to everyone for all the advice. It means so much to me and is really helpful. I have to say that my feelings are hurt about the whole language thing and that's one of the reasons I haven't responded sooner. I really just like to write and have been writing for a long time. I also read a lot and I am in AP english. Anyway, just wanted you to know I'm still here! I will post individual responses shortly. Thanks again to everyone!
My apologies for it seems you are every bit as real as the Velveteen Rabbit. I wish you well on your journey. Please take the wisest advice here and get to know your sexuality conventionally before you dig deeper into bdsm and kink. There are a lot of moving parts to a mature sex life and it's best to get to know the basics well before one pushes to broaden the menu.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ropebunny View Post
Please assist me MWY, for I have not been able to determine just how the OP used the word "scared" incorrectly. It appears Google is not my friend today.
The word 'scared" is the past tense of the transitive verb "scare." It requires an object. In the OP, "afraid" would have been an appropriate word choice.

Used correctly: Sheldon scared Leonard when he popped up from beneath the couch cushions by surprise.
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:46 PM   #25
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It would be nice to see a response from OP?...
It might be, Lally, that the OP has (1) a life outside of Lit, (2) family from whom she'd like to conceal the fact that she's reading and posting on a porn board, and/or (3) limited time in which to access Lit, perhaps partly due to (1) and/or (2).
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