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Old 03-29-2013, 02:29 AM   #1
justwondercurio
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Are there any mono-poly people here?

Hi im newly in a poly relationship but have always been mono in the past. Was wondering if there were any other girls going through this or who have gone through this. Would love to chat with you some. My biggest problem so far has been jealousy. Any tips for helping the feeling?
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Old 03-29-2013, 02:50 AM   #2
knot_sweet
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I can't offer much.

I was in a poly relationship, but honestly wasn't very good at it. My rule of "I will share you but not my time with you" didn't mesh well with a couple of the other ladies in the equation.

Perhaps BiBunny or Kurokami or the captains wench will chime in.

But I would ask...why are you jealous? Honestly, and really, where's the jealousy coming from?

It's ok to feel like that, but it helps if you know why.

No-one here is going to think less of you, no matter what the reason.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:01 AM   #3
ecstaticsub
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I have found that I get jealous when I feel that my partner's other partner is getting more than what I am getting. This could be more time, more attention, more love, more D/s ..etc. What I have discovered though is what I feel she is getting is not necessarily what she is really getting. More importantly is what she is or is not getting from him has nothing to do with my own relationship with him.

It has made me realize that what I really need to feel secure and happy is that my needs be met. Their relationship is not my concern. It doesn't matter what she is getting from him or what they are doing. I have to just focus on my own relationship.

Along with this is I have been working on my compersion. I want my partner to be happy. If she is able to make him happy, especially when it is something I am unable to do for him, than I should be happy for him. It takes a little more effort to be happy about her meeting needs he has that I know I can meet also. But that's not my concern. When I was able to genuinely feel happy for them both then my jealousy and envy diminished greatly.

The best advice I could give you for you to remember that you are responsible for your own happiness. Don't let your emotional well-being be dependent on anyone else, including your partner. Do things outside of your relationship that bring you joy.

If you allow the jealousy to rule you then you may become obsessed with it. This negative energy can be poison for your relationship. I know it can be difficult but avoid comparing yourself to your partner's other partner.

Being with a poly partner may not be something you are capable of. There are people who act as if mono people are just selfish and that poly is more evolved. Bullshit. I believe that some people are simply wired for mono and some are wired for poly. Then there are others like myself who are somewhere in between. All are valid.

Good luck to you and if you want to chat privately my pm box is open.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:32 AM   #4
justwondercurio
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Thanks to both of you for the reply! And I cant say that I always feel jealous acctually alot of the time I think im ok it just hits sometimes and hard. It would just really be helpful to make a few friends that have been in this type of situation before I guess who can relate?
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:56 AM   #5
eastern sun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ecstaticsub View Post
I have found that I get jealous when I feel that my partner's other partner is getting more than what I am getting. This could be more time, more attention, more love, more D/s ..etc. What I have discovered though is what I feel she is getting is not necessarily what she is really getting. More importantly is what she is or is not getting from him has nothing to do with my own relationship with him.

It has made me realize that what I really need to feel secure and happy is that my needs be met. Their relationship is not my concern. It doesn't matter what she is getting from him or what they are doing. I have to just focus on my own relationship.

Along with this is I have been working on my compersion. I want my partner to be happy. If she is able to make him happy, especially when it is something I am unable to do for him, than I should be happy for him. It takes a little more effort to be happy about her meeting needs he has that I know I can meet also. But that's not my concern. When I was able to genuinely feel happy for them both then my jealousy and envy diminished greatly.

The best advice I could give you for you to remember that you are responsible for your own happiness. Don't let your emotional well-being be dependent on anyone else, including your partner. Do things outside of your relationship that bring you joy.

If you allow the jealousy to rule you then you may become obsessed with it. This negative energy can be poison for your relationship. I know it can be difficult but avoid comparing yourself to your partner's other partner.

Being with a poly partner may not be something you are capable of. There are people who act as if mono people are just selfish and that poly is more evolved. Bullshit. I believe that some people are simply wired for mono and some are wired for poly. Then there are others like myself who are somewhere in between. All are valid.

Good luck to you and if you want to chat privately my pm box is open.
Quoted for truth. (And really well stated)

It has taken me years to figure out all this, but I couldn't have said it better.
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:36 AM   #6
Novita76
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being poly is hard im currently single, but i do have someone that has potenial. my issue is he is already showing a bit of a jealous streak when i even mention other men. being poly with him will never happen and it does concern me some what.

i hope your having better luck, hugs.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:57 PM   #7
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Novita76 View Post
being poly is hard im currently single, but i do have someone that has potenial. my issue is he is already showing a bit of a jealous streak when i even mention other men. being poly with him will never happen and it does concern me some what.

i hope your having better luck, hugs.
Let me warn you, that if YOU are poly by nature, it will be a constant struggle to suppress that part of yourself-- especially these days when being poly is a known thing. I'm not saying it can't be done, but somebody had better be continually worth the effort.

My Lady Friend is struggling in exactly the way that ecstaticsub has described. And not only with me, but with her other partner too, her boyfriend. I have suggested to her that maybe, poly is not a route she really needs to take. There are plenty of monogamous-natured people out there, after all.
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:20 PM   #8
Novita76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Let me warn you, that if YOU are poly by nature, it will be a constant struggle to suppress that part of yourself-- especially these days when being poly is a known thing. I'm not saying it can't be done, but somebody had better be continually worth the effort.

My Lady Friend is struggling in exactly the way that ecstaticsub has described. And not only with me, but with her other partner too, her boyfriend. I have suggested to her that maybe, poly is not a route she really needs to take. There are plenty of monogamous-natured people out there, after all.
very true stella. thanks.
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Old 03-30-2013, 07:37 AM   #9
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justwondercurio View Post
Hi im newly in a poly relationship but have always been mono in the past. Was wondering if there were any other girls going through this or who have gone through this. Would love to chat with you some. My biggest problem so far has been jealousy. Any tips for helping the feeling?
It's not viable for all poly situations, but I find it's a lot easier to deal if I've had a chance to meet and talk to my partner's partner - not to screen them, just so we can establish some sort of direct relationship. They're usually less scary when you're thinking of them as somebody you know and not "the competition".
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Old 03-30-2013, 07:57 AM   #10
Novita76
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Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
It's not viable for all poly situations, but I find it's a lot easier to deal if I've had a chance to meet and talk to my partner's partner - not to screen them, just so we can establish some sort of direct relationship. They're usually less scary when you're thinking of them as somebody you know and not "the competition".
thats is such a good point. i used to do the same. i only wish that more people would stop thinking its not about the sex and more about the love.

i kinda think im like a mother in a sense, which i as as well. but its like a mom can love all of her kids at the same time. i truly feel i can love 2 people at the same time equally.
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:50 PM   #11
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I am monogamous by nature but in a poly relationship. The way this works best for me is that the sexytimes are separate. We all hang out socially, but sex is separated into pairs.
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