First stab at it!

[DFWBeast]

Posted my first story on this site.

Would like feedback both positive and negative! Always looking to improve.

Story is a cheating wife/revenge story and I feel the BTB revenge is extreme (but not out of character). So please avoid if this type of story offends.

Long Drive Home by DFWBeast (Loving Wives)

http://www.literotica.com/s/long-drive-home-2

[soflabbwlvr]

Let's see, where to start? First of all, I'll state up front that I occasionally read the LW category, and at one time it was one of my favorites. Not so much anymore. I'll also say that revenge stories don't do much for me. Now that my biases are out of the way, let's get to your story.

First of all, you write very well. This may be your first story on this site, but its immediately apparent that you are a practiced writer in some capacity. Your vocabulary, sentence structure, plot development--you earn high marks on all of the writing basics.

I do, however, have two minor issues and one major problem. First, you go overboard with adverbs. This is the type of problem that you might not notice until it is pointed out to you, but once you see it, it sticks out like a sore thumb. The first half of page one is replete with modified verbs to such an extent that it becomes distracting. This is an easy problem to fix. Next time, take more care in choosing your verbs.

The second issue is something that was not a consistent problem, but it showed up often enough to be distracting. You have a tendency to slip into the past perfect tense, making your voice much more passive than is otherwise necessary. This didn't happen a lot, but when it did occur it weakened your narrative.

My biggest issue, however, goes to the thrust of your story. There was nothing erotic about it. In fact, I'd call it a boner killer. I understand that there is a huge segment of the LW crowd that loves these kinds of stories, and this story is red meat marinated in distilled blood for them, but where is the erotic element? Who would get aroused reading this story?

I could spend paragraphs detailing the legal mistakes in Eric's entire revenge scheme, but you kind of sort of minimized those by ***Spoiler alert*** having him flee the country. That being said, warrants will be issued for his arrest for committing at least two felonies, and if he's caught at the airport--or subsequently--he's looking at spending a decade or two in prison. But that's beside the point.

This story is very well written. I just don't understand why it was written.

[BonnevilleFlats]

The story is well written and soflabbwlover has given you a good critique of your prose. I don't know what your goals were with this story. If it was to write a story that would get high marks from readers of the Loving Wives category -- the toughest crowd on the whole site. Most writers won't venture there -- this is almost a home run. The only place you went wrong was making the man a bit too cold hearted because by the end he is no longer a sympathetic character. This is as close to a killing spree as you could get without the guy putting a bullet in his wife's and her lover's head. The lover is going to be whacked by his own wife's family's mafia connections. Either the same thing happens to the wife or she will take her own life.

The secret to the perfect revenge story is for the person getting the revenge to remain sympathetic at the end. His prior military heroism is not enough to sustain the reader's sympathy throughout the story.

[DFWBeast]

soflabbwlvr and BonnevilleFlats thank you for the replies.

soflabbwlvr - appreciate the critique! Very fair and honest. Sorry it was a boner killer! Too answer your question why write it I hope the following will help.

I'm very interested in the Cheating wife/revenge scenario. Mainly in the Exposure/Pain/Revenge aspects. Can the marriage be saved? If so, what level of payback does the husband have to have in our to retain some dignity? If not, how does the husband move on?

I posted this story on an erotic site because most other cheating spouse/revenge sites won't deal with the sexual aspects that are KEY in these types of stories. This particular story is more 'non-erotic' than most that I'm working on.

True I will probably never write anything more erotic than what you might find in a bad romance novel. No doubt none of my stories will ever be considered 'stroke' material but i do hope that most will be considered erotic on some level!


Bonneville Flats - Fully agree that the main character goes overboard and begins losing sympathy from the reader! As a matter of fact, I started a post/poll discussing just that.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=852641

Would love to have additional feedback from you both, either here or via PMs!