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Old 03-06-2013, 03:52 AM   #1
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CookingDom is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: London, UK
Posts: 119
On Being A True-ass Dominant Man

Originally found here.. http://justsomeguyiguess.wordpress.c...-dominant-man/

...NOT written by me but made me chuckle.


That was the sound of me opening a beer with my balls. I punched a church earlier, DOM as fuck. Bits of chocolate came shooting out of my mouth as I laughed about it, landing in the eyes of homeless children, nearby housewives tutting and sighing while mentally storing the scene for playback during masturbation later that evening. Want to know how to spoil a woman? Buy a caravan with her credit card, and fill it with piss. If she complains, kick her tits off while yelling at her clit.

If you disagree, youíre obviously not MAX DARKCORE enough for this stuff. Not until youíve made a woman stuff a teabag and some popping candy up her vagina, at a funeral. You also need to train your cock to uppercut women into crying. Plus you gotta do sixty backflips a day. And wank using sandbags taped to your elbows. Operate the TV remote with a shovel. Cackle like a war criminal whenever taking a shit. Eat Pot Noodles DRY, or at least ignore the recommended water-fill level. Slap the dishes clean. Dance to Wham!, then do press-ups in the back of the taxi on the way to the local munch, aka Ross Kemp expo, fuck yes.

Iím so dominant, I crap pensive shadows and flattering Photoshop filters. And exploding money. You wanna be this DOM AS FUCK? Then you also gotta be intelligents. I got loads of intelligents. Always got like three or four intelligents on the go at the same time. You want one? Here you go. PSYCHE! Thatís just a sock with a face drawn on.

Having said all that, ĎDomí is just an indicator, not a qualification, yíknow? Dudes can give you pointers, but itís a shared state that you enter with a compatible person. Ha ha, just kidding. Women (i.e. sluts) love a sense of humour. For example:

Why did the Dom cross the road? BECAUSE BITCHES GOTTA LEARN.

Serious, if you wanna be dominant as me, start shaving with a house brick, and if anyone looks you in the eye, ram your spontaneously concrete-hard cock down their throat while grunting The Ride of the Valkyries. And the absolute most important part about being a Dom is introducing gravel to your digestive system, at this point you unlock the special hat, wear it with pride and a cumface from hell.

Making a cup of tea should involve at least three police sirens. By this point you should be able to apply nipple clamps by throwing them from across a football pitch. The only sport you now enjoy is FUCKBALL. Anyone who doesnít have your cock inside them is disabled. From here on in, everything in your life is operated by shouting. You move from place to place by spinning around with your fists outstretched.

Welcome to the club, son. That covers about 50% of what it is to be a pro-spec Alpha Male. The other 50% is a combination of schadenfreude, Nazi memorabilia and disco titties.

Iíd show you more, but I have to go to Tesco pretty soon. Iíll probably drop an ALPHA bomb at the meat counter, before choking a coupla bitches at the checkout, and paying with my biceps. Carrier bags? Ha ha fuck you, Iíll just stare my groceries home, while spanking some 18-year-old PA from Croydon.

Then Iíll watch season 4 of RuPaulís Drag Race.
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:35 AM   #2
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LittleSparks is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 105
HAHA what a hoot! I am crying right now. Can't wait to show this to master.
I just need you here

Last edited by LittleSparks : 03-06-2013 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 03-06-2013, 07:13 PM   #3
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Ahlam is offline
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Location: The damp corner
Posts: 605
Ack! Those water fill lines are there for a reason.
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Old 03-06-2013, 07:56 PM   #4
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DarkLisa is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 138
"I crap pensive shadows" has to be the best four English language words used together that I've seen all day.
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:15 PM   #5
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DeepGreenEyes is offline
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Back alleys. Dark rooftops. Whole Foods.
Posts: 8,000
I thank you for your words of sustenance, brother. I tip my special hat to you.
~ Save second base

~ some poems

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." ~ W. Wonka
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:21 PM   #6
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banyangirl is offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
This is really brilliant, and actually completely echoes my feelings on a certain recent personal ad, lol. Awesome post.
Find some rhythm in the madness.
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